To think that ghosting a friend just alienates them and causes unnecessary hurt?

[ByHonestDog]

I’ve seen this happen a lot - people who, instead of addressing an issue directly, just stop talking to their friends and go completely silent. No explanation, no proper conversation, just radio silence. It feels like such an immature way to handle conflict and all it really does is leave the other person confused, hurt, and unsure of what even happened.

If you’ve ever ghosted a friend, what did it actually achieve? Did it make you feel better? Did it solve the issue? Or did it just push someone away who might have cared about you?

AIBU to think that this kind of avoidance only leads to more damage in friendships?

No, people don’t ghost out of nowhere. There will be a lead up or a reason or a need. I don’t have to sit someone down and announce I am going to ghost them and give the reasons why. Listing the reasons of why I want them gone only antagonises the situation. Not everyone has the ears to listen.
By the end I don’t even care enough anyway. I just want them gone.

I’m currently ghosting a “friend”. She’s someone I met last year through a hobby. She is way too dramatic and needy for me. Some things I’ve noticed:

started dating the ex of one of her other friends and wondered why other friend and mutual friends blocked her and refuse to speak to her

always has some kind of illness that she needs help with

extremely dependent and has unrealistic expectations of what a friend should do for her ie taking a day off work last minute to drive her to the airport because she doesn’t know where the train station is (15 minutes from her house and a direct airport train)

messages on a Thursday to see if I want to go for dinner on Friday, when I tell her I’ve already got something booked in and she’s welcome to come along, she says no she wants to do the thing she wants to do instead and doesn’t understand why I can’t cancel what I’m doing

I also suspect that she is being managed out of her job because she clashes with everyone she works with, and I know she is in serious debt, I don’t want to get dragged into that either.

She is 50 and has a child who won’t speak to her (adult child in 20s). Given her age, do you think I should have a conversation with her? I’m not interested in maintaining the friendship because of her unrealistic expectations around how much help she expects with her self created dramas.

Yes I have, it was a final straw, and yes I honestly feel so much better without her in my life, it wasn't actually intentional I was just really pissed (not about anything massive she has done the straw that broke the camels back thing before several times), and time went on and it just became really easy (probably because I'd moved to another country during covid) and I realised one day how much better I felt. It was only when she reached out after months, not weeks that I realised what a relief not having her in my life had been.

I do miss the fun things we did and the shared interests of which we had many. But the amount of time I wasted feeling bad and not doing things say like enjoying time with my children because she'd done something to make me feel shit still makes me feel immensely bitter if I let it. But freeing up the mental real estate her behaviour often occupied has been so freeing.

In so many ways she treat me (and others) like absolute shit she has in my opinion some deep seated issues and could benefit from some intensive counseling, she is fiercely intelligent as well so there is absolutely no way she wouldn't be unaware of the hurt she causes and that how she often behaves is unkind. She knows and she gets a kick out of it. To her friends are chess pieces to be maneuvered and manipulated.

I did swither about writing her a long email telling her how she makes me feel with some good examples, but, honestly I actually wasn't sure how it would go. The friendship would never recover that's for sure - she is never wrong and never apologies. And can become quite nasty if she feels backed into a corner. So didn't know what they point would, also for all her bluster I do (have no proof but) worry about her mental state. You might want to know but even though the email I planned to write would be about how it made me feel I think to her ot would feel like a character assassination which whilst totally factual I didn't want to be responsible for the damage that might cause. Does anyone really want that.

But there’s always a significant number of posts on threads like this, including this one, where posters say they ghosted a friend for things like talking about themselves too much, not asking about them, not making an effort. And someone on here who ghosted someone for being weird in a group chat. All of those things are subjective, and open to misinterpretation and miscommunication.

I just remembered I "ghosted" someone who had been a friend, to her face. I could not make my body talk to her. She'd behaved very, very badly not just to me but to others. Walked away with no backwards glance.
I don't know why we are being asked to consider the feelings of the ghostee. Most of the time people do it because the ghostee is beyond awful.

Exactly this. I have no family or friend network but took the decision to ghost my only friend. I did this because for over 20 years I have been a good friend to her in terms of being at her beck and call throughout her various relationship issues with her husband and even helping out at her kids parties as a helper rather than a guest. I enjoyed providing the support as I thought we were close and she would reciprocate. Being quite isolated myself I always would suggest days out or some such but was told she didn’t want to do that. Fine. I accepted it and she would just come to mine for evenings in. Long story short, as the years went by I realised that she was having quite an active social life with other friends despite having known them barely any time at all! On one occasion she cancelled an evening out and asked if we could meet in the morning instead. She gave no reason and as it was a nice hot day I agreed. However whilst we were out she answered her phone and I heard her confirming an evening time for that same day with a new friend who and I couldn’t believe me ears as I heard her say she was looking forward to going over the itenary to Italy with her! At the end of the call my friend sheepishly looked at me and ‘promised’ we’d do something similar too also. A couple months later, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and I was one of the few friends she told. I supported her fully with practical and emotional support despite going through a break up and was overjoyed when eventually she got an all clear. At this point almost a year had gone by and we settled back into her preferred routine of coming to mine in the evening. Well one of those days she called at 8.30pm and I was really quite tired and was on the verge of going to bed but again accommodated her preferences. She started on her usual subjects and was talking about her DH to which I as usual listened and gave her empathy and advice. Then I stated reminiscing something similar about my ex and she interrupted me and literally started berating me for saying she only had a few minutes of her evening left before her DH was collecting her and needed to discuss more about her own issue. Now I knew deep down I was essentially just a friend who she kept to ‘trauma dump’ on but her outrageously obvious behaviour here just made something snap in me. I disguised it and fell into line as it were and after she left I felt really upset. I had to face what has been my reality with her for over 20 years and that she only ever visited me not to be a friend to me but because she needed me to always only be a friend to her for the sole purpose of listening to her troubles. Next time she wanted to come around I told her I had a cold and could we leave it a few days (as I just needed a break from her). Her response was quite cold and for the remainder of the year she made no more contact. Not even at Xmas or NYE did she reach out so I thought great as there’s virtually nothing fir me in this ‘friendship’. But then mid Jan this year she reached out not with a ‘how are you’ sort of message but a WhatsApp of a video with instructions to view as it was funny. Anyhow, I disregarded and carried on with my day. Thereafter I received a series of messages asking if I was ok and I messaged I was ‘going through something’. She started messaging again asking how I was repeatedly and I just found it mentally too impossible to reply. I live alone with no support whatsoever and just decided to prioritise my own mental health. I know from experience if I were to tell her the issue, she’d give me a few minutes of dedicated time but then the next few months and years would just revert to her dominating conversations about herself always and wanting advice always. I was no longer so naive that I couldn’t see that she was simply using me as a free counsellor. And when a friend earmarks you against your will solely only for that and nothing else - not even an evening meal at a restaurant- especially when they know you are their only friend, well it really destroys you. And as someone said, for some people it’s the only option they feel they have. People I think sometimes think people who ghost are lazy or selfish - but I can assure you it’s very frequently not for some very hurt people.

Ive ghosted one friend. They cancelled coming to my hen do and then my wedding, each cancellation being on the day. In fact, for my hen it was midway through that she eventually decided she wouldn't be showing up. I just didnt want to reply to her message on the morning of my wedding, asking for my address so she could send a card. Honestly, I had better things to do than admin! She didn't contact me again to ask how the wedding went and eventually I just deleted her contact info as I was upset about how she'd behaved.

Her reason for missing both events was work. From what a wonderful mutual friend accidentally let slip, I'm pretty sure my mate who skipped the wedding had known for +1 month that she wouldn't be attending. Rather than the medical excuse she gave on the day... I'd consider that shoddy behaviour for drinks down the pub, let alone a wedding.

Since then, I've been at an event she attended. I was having a great time and didn't go over to her. I would have spoken to her but didn't really have the energy for any drama, and she didn't come over to me. I guess that's that!

I’ve never done it, although I’ve done very slow drifts

A friend did cut ties once - but as posters say above we’d already gone from being close to just not having a connection anymore, and actively irritating each each other (also I was flaky) so while I’ve have let it go slowly, I don’t think there was anything wrong with her choosing not to.

So no, I think it’s a symptom not a cause

Same. I was just a free counselling service and therapist. After 15 years I doubt she could have told you my maiden name or the names of my parents; in fact I know she couldn’t. It was smothering, suffocating, self-centred and boring. Good riddance. It was a long time coming. So self absorbed couldn’t even see I was trying to set boundaries.

It’s meant to damage a friendship, that’s kind of the point?

I’ve ghosted someone. She was a complete drama llama. Having a conversation about why the friendship was over would have been far worse for everyone than just phasing her out.

As someone who has experience both of ghosting and being ghosted, I’m sceptical about this honestly. It wasn’t the case in any of the situations I’ve been involved in that there was a real attempt to air things out prior to the ghosting happening. Mumsnet is full of posts by people who clearly can’t bear the idea of any direct confrontation or communication about things that are bothering them, and I think a lot of women in particular do struggle with it. In the case of the person who ghosted me, I had specifically asked her prior if something I’d done had upset her, and she denied it. My guess is that that’s common.

For this reason I’m also somewhat sceptical of the people on these threads who always claim they know that ghosting was their only option and the person they’d ghosted wouldn’t have listened to a direct conversation if they’d tried to have it, and that ghosting was the easiest way. If you haven’t ever tried to have a conversation about something that’s bothering you then you don’t, in fact, know that. If you can’t bear confrontation then fine, but be realistic that ghosting was a choice you made that says something about you as well as the person you ghosted, and that you did, in fact, have other options. (And I admit this myself as someone who has ghosted people).

I’ve ghosted a friend recently. Even if I did lay it all out there as to why, she wouldn’t listen and turn everything around on me. So why do I want to waste my energy doing that? She’s actively picking fights with everyone around her and even left her lovely dh. Not before destroying the family home.
I get the odd emoji through but it’s like a narcissists fishing rod, she’s hoping I’ll bit but I’m not entertaining her behaviour anymore. I don’t think my ghosting behaviour is mean, it’s me setting a boundary.

Mumsnet is obsessed with ghosting

That's really awful. I'm sorry you're going through this. Your friend's response also isn't what you need in your life right now.

@Allthatshines1992 Pointless bump of an old thread. Utterly pointless. There are a million other ghosting threads and probably several in the last week alone.

The thing is when people say why they're ghosting they get spoken badly about to all the mutual friends "so-and-so said this to me, they're bad, I'm good" and people don't want to say anything so as to avoid being slagged off.

If you use and discard people then ghosting them is bad. If you’ve reached the end of your tether with someone, conversations are one sided then ghosting is hard but necessary.

I’ve definitely ghosted a so called “friend”. I had a friend who I thought was a very close and good friend. Unfortunately after 5 years of always supporting her and being there for her, my rose tinted glasses came off and I realised that she only bothers with me when I can benefit her in some way. She rarely even read my messages let alone responded to them, never suggested meeting up, never showed an interest in my life and was generally just very selfish. Every meet up revolved around her and I realised I knew everything about her and she knew very little about me. She’d also spend the whole time she was in my company focused on her phone and ignoring me and would always be late. I have very low confidence and self-esteem and always told myself that I didn’t matter as much as other people and that I should put myself second to everyone else. I eventually got sick of this and realised that I am worthwhile and didn’t deserve to be treated like I’m nothing so I ghosted her as I wanted to see if she would reach out and make an effort. Surprised surprise, she didn’t. I wanted a clean break so deleted her from my social media (I don’t believe in having anyone on my friends list that I wouldn’t associate with in real life so have a very small social media following) and it was only then that she got in touch, literally TWO minutes after I deleted her she messaged me and called me out on it. This was the final straw as she was clearly so overly focused on her social media to notice that quickly that I’d removed her and it confirmed that she didn’t care about the friendship. She retaliated by blocking me on everything and didn’t ask to discuss any issues which again confirmed she is just shallow and childish. Sometimes ghosting is the only way.