Unexpected inheritance..do I tell my partner?

[jellytiptop]

Hello, I’ve been on mn for years but have name changed for this post. I have recently discovered that my grandmother has left me some money in her will, all her grandchildren received £60000 and this was distributed to us this week. I haven’t told my partner of 8 years.

For context, we own a house together as tenants in common with both of us putting down equal deposits and splitting the mortgage and bills 50/50. DP is 37 and earns £65k pa, he has two teen children from his previous marriage who we have EOW and half the holidays, he pays maintenance, uniforms, allowance etc. I am 31 earning £52k pa with no children. We have a joint account where all household expenses are paid from and we both transfer the same amount each month, but get paid into our separate accounts. He has approximately £40k personal savings and also some shares/ crypto but I don’t know the value of these. I only had £20k until now as the deposit for the house are most of my savings.

Our relationship has been very difficult the past couple of years with my partners depression and impulsive behaviour making me feel that we aren’t in a stable partnership. He has always been very insistent on everything being 50/50 financially even when I was earning far less than I am now. I’ve just accepted it because I didn’t want to viewed as a freeloader and I could look after myself. Now I’m wondering if it’s really sneaky of me to not tell him I have this money. I would like to put some of it on the mortgage but then he would ask where it came from etc. Just wanting to know if it’s ok to have a secret bank account or what I should do with the money, we aren’t married.

Two options. No, it is yours and not to share. Keep quiet and carry on as you are and think carefully about the type of relationship you have.

Fantastic that you have this unexpected inheritance. I'd say it's none of his business. He's set out the financial terms of your relationship. No need to change them because you've come into some money. Can you stick £20k in an ISA before and after the new tax year as a first step? I think in your shoes, I would treat this as a sign that you should step back and think about the life you want for yourself. How lovely of your late grandmother to give you more options. Don't, under any circumstances, pay off anything joint.

@jellytiptop

Do NOT tell him. You need to stash this money away and consider it your safety net. It's the 'rock' you will have to lean on if when you decide to end the relationship. And besides who knows what the future may bring or what housing costs will be down the road if you should split. Even with the equity from your current home you may need 'a little extra' to buy a new home.

You don't need to feel guilty. Since you aren't married, I'm positive that Gran meant this money for YOU alone.

Just out of interest, is there anything stopping you both from marrying?

Is it the fact that your finances would be merged and shared on divorce.?

On the other hand, if you stay unmarried, keep the money separate. Would he tell you if he got a similar windfall? You don't know how much he has in investments do you? What do you think he would like to do with the money if you shared it or if you told him about it.

If my relationship was secure (unmarried), I think I'd make a gift to the SDs and a similar amount to him and bank the rest. Say 2.5k each or something.

If the relationship was rocky, I'd say nothing and stash it away.

If this was a post saying “found out my DP has inherited £60k and he has hid it from me” you guys would be like dump his ass! The double standards on here are unreal! 🤨

If you were to tell him - what do you think his reaction would be?
He has not or appears not to have any problems in ensuring that you pay your way at 50/50 on the mortgage and bills even though you are helping him to support his children when they stay with you.
He has had savings and earned more than you but still didn't increase his portion towards bills for his children when you earned less..
Your inheritance pretty much puts you on a equal par regarding savings so bank it until you know what you want to do with it. He may make the suggestion (if he knew) that you both pay an equal share off the mortgage from individual savings still keeping the capital ownership straightforward- this could benefit both of you especially as you could shorten the mortgage length and save money - freeing more money to save. There's any number of scenarios that could be visited here.
But you could point out that you have paid costs for the benefit of his children so what will he do for you going forward? Probably nothing!! So either way whether he knows or not - that inheritance is personally yours and will stay that way.

Keep it to yourself, it's a gift for you

Put it in your pension and premium bonds as 5his is your money from your grandmother not his. There is no need to share an inheritance especially when you're not married.

Do you not want children full stop, or is it that you can’t imagine having children with him?
Do you really love him or are you on the bounds of feeling sorry for him? Did your granny know about the issues you have been having? Are you close with your siblings? Is he likely to overhear chit chat about the money and their plans? If not I would stick it in a high interest account, say nothing for now and take it as Granny’s cue for you to play the long game and think deeply about your future.

I would takes some financial advice on where to invest it for growth/long term.
If it were me perhaps I'd look to pop £20k in a stocks and shares ISA before 5th April to take care of this year's allowance. Then perhaps £20k in another on the 6th. As to the other 20k I'd look at what you might want to invest in. Or put extra into your pension.
And I'd insist you both spend some money doing your pensions!

If you haven't already, stick 20k in an ISA, you've just got enough time before the tax year end. Then 6th April, stick another £20k in. That will ensure any interest you get won't be taxed. If you have a SIPP, stick the balance in there.

Absolutely not.
As it is he has gotten a lot out of you for years.
Why have you settled for so little in your life?
Only 31 but step parenting and paying for the children of a mean depressed man.

Lord but your family must be so upset to see you settle for so little.

Put that money away and NEVER mention it ever.

It will be a lefe saver for you when you eventually wake up to just how much you have thrown away on a mean man who has used you to pay half the housing and holidays etc for HIS children.
Thank goodness you haven't had children with him.
You deserve so much better.

Spend a bit on therapy to get to the root of your poor self esteem.

Another vote for keeping the money to yourself.

Put £20k into an ISA before the end of the tax year and then another £20k into an ISA as soon as the next tax year starts on 6th April, and the rest in a high interest savings account.

If you want to make the problem go away, you could in theory dump it all in your pension. Or do it in 2 lots. One this week, this tax year. One next week, next tax year. That’d be £30k per tax year & you’d get tax relief on top. So would be worth about £75k in total. If you’re unmarried he’ll be unlikely to get his hands on it unless you die and leave it to him. But you can have your expression of wish form to state whoever you want. Pensions aren’t included in wills.
This is intended as inspiration, not advice.

She pays more towards the kids than he does, despite earning less.

Isn't it your savings? Unless, of course, he's giving you half his savings and crypto!

I'd keep schtum.

I recently met a guy who'd worked for premium bonds as the person who came to tell you in person if you'd won a large amount. He said when the winner wasn't married they were told they had to speak to them alone - and the number who didn't want their partner to know was much larger than you'd think!!

There is absolutely no way in hell that I would tell him. Open a new account, privately, and invest it for your own future security. Vanguard is a reputable and low cost firm.

Well, you don't know much he has in his bank account, why should he know how much is in yours?

With him expecting 50/50 even when you earned less, I definitely see no reason to tell him.

Kindly meant OP, but should anything happen to him his children would rightly get his share and you would be in the position of your house being sold.

You sound spectacularly naive for 31.
Buying with him absolutely suited him.
You are housing his children.
No surprise that he is mean.
He has rightly screwed you over and you have happily let him.

If you have an ounce of sense you will push for the sale of the house and buy your own house.

You have stupidly lost out on first time buyer status for this mean man.

Don't dishonour your grandmother by continuing to be naive with her wonderful gift.

You need to wake up and learn to be financially savvy as at the moment you are being used.

It’s excellent advice, though.

this x10000.

Is he likely to find out through general family chit chat? If yes, I would tell him about it but say I'm keeping it for a rainy day.

You now have a fuck-off fund op. Congratulations.

It sounds like you need to really consider your future. Things haven't been great for some time - you now have the perfect opportunity to be able to freely consider your options free from the financial constraints leaving a relationship often brings.

You could leave in your own time and then wait for the joint house to sell - you have the funds to rent on your own for a while.

Time to focus on yourself x

why on earth do you feel guilty??????

Even when people are married, inheritance is not automatically marital property. Look up the law.

You are being taken seriously advantage of by this “man.” I would strongly suggest the Freedom Programme, a chat with women’s aid and a talk with a solicitor.