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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it really irritating when people ask how I’m coping with two?

32 replies

NotWantingToBeRude · 30/03/2025 11:00

I know people are just making conversation and looking for something relevant they can ask about. My sleep deprived brain is no doubt blowing things out of proportion too. Yet I find this question really irritating after a new baby.

It sometimes feels like they’re expecting me to say:

’It’s sheer hell!!! What on earth was thinking? I’ve made a big mistake.’

‘Coping?!! I’m not coping at all. We’ve got the health visitor coming round daily and have been discussing giving #2 up for adoption.’

’It’s just hideous!!! Someone please tell me it gets better soon or I might just go and stick my head in the gas oven now.’

Alternatively:

’It’s an utter breeze! I’m thinking about #3 and #4 already.’

’I’m just loving every minute! #2 is such a joy!’

These sorts of comments seem likely to poss the questioner off too.

There’s something about the word ‘coping.’ Even just, ‘How are you finding it with two?’ would be a bit gentler.

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 30/03/2025 11:01

I think you're over thinking it

BabyRuthless · 30/03/2025 11:03

I have asked that before but only because I'm (hoping) to transition from one to two soon. Sadly we were but have miscarried what would have been our second child this year.
I think you are definitely overthinking people's intentions..

DysmalRadius · 30/03/2025 11:04

People are just asking how you're doing with reference to your recent change in circumstances. It's not a criticism or an expectation that you will be struggling, just an acknowledgement that it can be tough and providing an opportunity to open up.

StScholastica · 30/03/2025 11:07

Oh for goodness sake.
They are just trying to make conversation.
Not everyone has excellent social skills.
Maybe just show your true feelings and scowl at them then they can see the sort of person you are and avoid in future.

DuckieDodgyHedgyPiggy · 30/03/2025 11:07

Well, YANBU you're absolutely right with your assessment, I think. Except that it's just polite chit chat, noting that you've had a big change in your life. I don't know what I'd say - would depend on the visitor and my tolerance levels at that moment. I had twins, so had this every bloody time!

Didimum · 30/03/2025 11:09

It’s just chat. Try to breeze past it.

PipFab · 30/03/2025 11:09

They are just making conversation, and yes you are probably blowing this out of proportion due to being sleep-deprived. On the scale of annoying comments, this is pretty low down.

BrokenLine · 30/03/2025 11:09

It’s just inane chitchat.

Original poster
NotWantingToBeRude · 30/03/2025 11:12

The irritating small talk never stops.

Even when you’re still at uni it’s:

’Do you have a job lined-up for after graduation?’
’Oh, you haven’t got your whole life mapped out yet?’
’Are you seeing anyone? How old are you now? 21? Your mother was married by your age you know.’

Progressing as soon as you do meet someone to:

’When are you moving in together?’
’When are you getting engaged?’
’When‘s the wedding?’
’Will you start trying for children right away once you’re married?’

Once you satisfy everyone with a timely pregnancy:

’Is it a boy or a girl? Do you have a preference?’
(Yeah I really, really want a boy. I’m going to be devastated if it’s a girl. Don’t think I’ll be able to love it).

As soon as the baby is born:

’Do you think you’ll have another one?’

When you have another girl:

’Will you try again for a boy?’

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 30/03/2025 11:14

The irritating small talk never stops.

Maybe you've just missed your calling? Eg, the Carmelite nuns. Grin

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 30/03/2025 11:16

I think it’s actually asked from a position of empathy. So many of us have struggled in a similar position to the one you are in right now. Asking how your coping is a way of telling you they know it’s hard and you have their sympathy, and they’re willing to listen if you want a chance to off load about it. It’s just an experience so many of us have shared so asking about it is an acknowledgement of your situation and an expression of solidarity. Totally understandable to be a bit sensitive about it when you’re massively sleep deprived though. I went slightly insane when mine were small.

DoYouReally · 30/03/2025 15:00

People ask because they know it's far more difficult that one.

They are being empathic and trying to ne friendly.

They'll soon stop asking given your attitude so you won't have to worry about it much longer.

TwoLeggedGrooveMachine · 30/03/2025 15:05

People are just asking how things are in your current situation, it’s not that deep. Maybe avoid everyone from now on then you can start complaining that you don’t have a village.

HeddaGarbled · 30/03/2025 15:12

I’m surprised anyone dares open their mouths at all anymore 🤷‍♂️

FanofLeaves · 30/03/2025 15:17

I don’t know where you’re going to get these types of questions 🤣

Our elderly neighbour was saying just yesterday how she’s ‘sad’ I’ve not had another baby and that now it’s springtime it’s the perfect time to try 😅 I just laughed it off, what else can you do! She’s only wanting a chat.

Also I nanny toddler twins and if I had a pound for every time some random comments ‘you’ve got your hands full!’ well I wouldn’t be half as worried about money as I am. I just chuckle and say ‘yeah you could say that!’ it’s just a social exchange, no harm done.

You’re tired. People say things. Smile and move on.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 30/03/2025 15:20

I am beginning to think that there really is fuck all that doesn't in some way shape or form trigger posters on here

myhouseisfullofeastereggs · 30/03/2025 15:21

I think you’re vastly overestimating how interested people are in your life OP. People’s reasons for asking these questions are to do with them, not you.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 30/03/2025 15:22

And I bet if no one spoke to you you'd be whining how isolated you are and that nobody cares about your bubz

Howsitnearlyxmas · 30/03/2025 15:24

I've been there when I had three under five, people would stop me to point out I've got my hands full. Dependent on which day/mood they caught me in I either took it as nice to have the acknowledgement that it's bloody hard work or an unwanted reminder of how many young kids I had to look after!
Either way, it always seemed to come from a kind place, and when I see a parent in a similar place these days I tend to give them a little knowing smile.

Fancycheese · 30/03/2025 15:26

Dear me. I’m sure if nobody had checked in you wouldn’t be happy! I am guilty of asking this question of my friend who has not long had her third. I didn’t consider for a minute that it would be offensive. I’ll have to ask her. And it was a genuine question from my end! I was asking if she was coping and was ok. God knows post partum isn’t easy.

pinkdelight · 30/03/2025 15:28

You just sound really irritable and determined to get riled by very minor things.

OhMaria2 · 30/03/2025 15:31

If they've got a very difficult sleeper or a lunatic toddler then it's normal to wonder. I've asked friends because I wanted to know how they were doing it because I was absolutely dying with just one. It's a compliment so maybe don't all bitter and weird about a bit of small talk?

Screamingabdabz · 30/03/2025 15:39

People ask questions about common things in life…

Maybe your frothing over nothing looks like you’re not coping?

Shubbypubby · 30/03/2025 15:39

It’s just social niceties/norms. Are you ND?

CremeEggThief · 30/03/2025 15:42

Grow up. Prople are just being polite and trying to make conversation. They don't give a fuck really!