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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit shocked at RSVP time frame?

51 replies

Ohioatdawn · 29/03/2025 21:51

I'm a bit taken aback.
DS is in year 8.
He has made a new friend at school recently who he really likes.
Yesterday at school, the new friend invited him to his birthday party which is in 2 months' time.
DS told his friend it sounds good and that he'd ask me and then let the friend know.
I was at work when DS got home from school yesterday and I worked all evening, didn't get home till after DS had gone to bed. I then went to work again first thing this morning and left before DS had woken up.
I got home this afternoon.
So DS couldn't ask me about it until this afternoon when I got back.
DS was really excited and said "Guess what, yesterday at school Michael invited me to his birthday party, it's in 2 months, it sounds really cool, he's going to x y z and it's on X date, he's invited me, Christopher and Josh. Can I go? I said I'd text him after I'd asked you".
Christopher and Josh are 2 of DS's best friends. The new boy has made friends with DS and his 2 friends.
DS wanted to check with me first, as he'd remembered that we had something already arranged for that particular weekend as it's a BH weekend, but he couldn't remember which day.
I checked the date then said yes, of course you can go.
DS texted the friend straight away to tell him yes he can come.
24 hours after being invited.
His friend texted back and said "You can't come now, my mum said you took too long to reply, she's booked it now and didn't book a place for you because you hadn't got back to me in time".
But he only asked DS yesterday.
And DS texted him to say yes at 3pm today.
Is this normal to expect an immediate reply? Within less than 24 hours?
DS is completely gutted. He was so happy to receive this invite!

OP posts:

LadyIce2 · 31/03/2025 16:39

TruJay · 31/03/2025 16:18

Hmm, this may just be me because I’ve had some nasty shit done to me by my ‘friends’ as a kid and I’d be thinking he’s trying to take my friends away from me. Think people call it ‘being Wendy’d’ on here. But I am coming from a cynical position on this.

Hearing that they're 12 years old, unfortunately I think it's nothing to do with the mother giving an unreasonable timeframe.

My suspicion is that he only wanted Christopher and Josh there but knowing they are friends with OP's son, he invited that son so it wouldn't come across to Josh and Christopher that he was leaving the son out. The text message sounds far too flippant to be from someone who is genuinely sorry that his mum has poor planning skills; sounds more like a lie so he can let Josh and Christopher know it wasn't his fault that OP's son couldn't come.

Derbee · 31/03/2025 16:40

I think somethings got lost in translation amongst 12 year olds.

Maybe tickets were selling out etc, or she was booking with another friend etc, and needed to book yesterday so needed an answer immediately. Her son didn’t get across the urgency, or your son misunderstood how urgent it was.

For future, if he can text his friend, presumably he can also text you to ask if he can go to things?

WonderingWanda · 31/03/2025 16:40

Ask ds to ask the friend for his Mum's number and ring her. Be very nice and say you assume something has been lost in translation and it can't have been right that you were expecting a response in less than 24 hrs and now your ds is really upset he can't come....let her squirm over her totally unreasonable behaviour. Then ask if you can ring up and add him to the booking? If she says no then at least you know what a cow she is.

Derbee · 31/03/2025 16:43

Also, I disagree with PPs that it’s most likely that her son is trying to force your son out of the friendship group etc etc, so I certainly wouldn’t plant that idea with him.

I think it was just obviously required to do a quick booking (for any number of reasons!) and two 12 year old boys have miscommunicated things.

LadyIce2 · 31/03/2025 16:45

I agree, the text message just doesn't ring true. The only way you will get the truth is by calling the mum but I would brace yourself for hearing that he never asked or he already knew the deadline.

Loginode · 31/03/2025 16:58

Yep - bonkers.

Sad for your son but if mum is that rigid/odd then it may well turn out to be a blessing that you won't need to trust her with your son.

However, as has already been pointed out your son/her son may not have communicated/understood as expected.

Delphiniumandlupins · 31/03/2025 17:03

If possible I would contact the mother. Don't challenge her bonkers RSVP time frame but explain that your long working hours meant your DS couldn't speak to you until today. Say you are sorry if she was inconvenienced and your DS is very sad to miss out on his friend's birthday party. Would you be able/willing to pay for your DS to go if he could be added to the booking? Although you may want to keep your distance unless something has got lost in the messages between the boys!

Gelatibon · 31/03/2025 17:08

I'd guess the boy either invited more than mum said he could or was late inviting your DS.

Doingmybestbut · 31/03/2025 17:13

I would hazard a guess that the boy was looking for an excuse and is trying to push your son out of the friendship group?

Bigcat25 · 31/03/2025 17:17

Completely wild on many levels. I had only one reply within 24 hrs for my kid's party.

LadyIce2 · 31/03/2025 17:17

Derbee · 31/03/2025 16:43

Also, I disagree with PPs that it’s most likely that her son is trying to force your son out of the friendship group etc etc, so I certainly wouldn’t plant that idea with him.

I think it was just obviously required to do a quick booking (for any number of reasons!) and two 12 year old boys have miscommunicated things.

But why does the text sound so unapologetic? I wouldn't say anything to the son before you've had a conversation with the mum 'I appreciate you've had to make the booking rather quickly but I wouldn't want your son to be disappointed and miss out. Is there anything I can do so that my son can come along (e.g. pay for an extra place)?' Then if she says no, say something like 'I understand it's out of your hands- would your son like to come around our house to hang out with my son and he can give him his present then?'

If the boy genuinely did ask his mum and sounded very disappointed, the mum would take you up on one of those offers.

Butchyrestingface · 31/03/2025 17:50

His friend texted back and said "You can't come now, my mum said you took too long to reply, she's booked it now and didn't book a place for you because you hadn't got back to me in time".

So weird that I suspect there's been some kind of miscommunication/wires crossed somewhere.

waitingquietly · 31/03/2025 17:58

my gut is that there is more to it . Maybe there was a limit on places and the other kid tried to convince his mum to book one more . Maybe there is purposeful excluding going on . Or maybe the mum just has different standards and didn’t expect the other parents to be consulted . I would keep an eye on this friendship though just in case .

SummerInSun · 31/03/2025 18:00

I had similar, but it was more my fault. DS just started high school, first birthday party invite from a new friend, the mum what’s app’ed me Saturday morning, I replied Sunday night saying yes, and she said sorry it’s too late we already booked without you. If something is urgent, tell me it’s urgent!!!

inappropriateraspberry · 31/03/2025 18:03

That’s ridiculous! Surely the point of inviting 2 months ahead is so there is plenty of time to confirm and book!

inappropriateraspberry · 31/03/2025 18:04

Can you get in touch with the mum and explain? Seems very odd.

Shamwish · 31/03/2025 18:07

Chances are this wasn't a 24 hour deadline. Maybe the birthday boy only mentioned it to some others after being told it looked like there were spaces.

And probably more were invited than the mum wanted to pay for, so she's just capped it there, first come first served.

leye1 · 31/03/2025 19:48

Hopefully I’m completely wrong, but are we sure the boy isn’t being a bit of a prick and picking on your Son?

Just sounds a bit weird that the Mum would put a deadline on RSVP’s 2 months before.

I’d be more inclined to think the boy was playing a horrible joke. But again, I hope it’s not that.

Original poster

Ohioatdawn · 31/03/2025 21:03

Birthday boy has now said to DS that he called him twice on Friday evening (the same day he'd invited him) to tell DS that his mum was booking the party and needed to know there and then.
DS completely missed his calls. But we've checked this evening on his phone, and sure enough there are 2 missed calls from birthday boy on Friday evening (the same day he'd invited him earlier on at school). DS didn't realise he'd called, didn't see any missed call logged.
So this makes me think the boy isn't deliberately trying to exclude DS.
TBH wouldn't he have just not invited him in the first place if he didn't want him there?
I can't text the mum as I have no idea who she is. I don't even know the boy. It's secondary school. They live in a different area to us and the boy gets a bus in to school by himself. There's no school run at secondary school, no exposure to other parents, no way of knowing who other mums are! DS and this boy only became friends in September when they met at school.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/03/2025 22:14

I get DS missed his phone ringing but surely he would have seen missed call on screen when looked at phone

i can’t see the rush in booking it in a day unless a major cheap price

I would ask friend if he could pass your number to his mum or you have hers and you have a chat to see if can add ds on to booking. (At your cost)

Antonania · 31/03/2025 22:28

Don't know, maybe he was only meant to be inviting 2 friends in the first place.

Maybe encourage DS to shrug, think that was a bit odd and move on. Don't let him get bogged down in overanalyzing and don't assume you have the whole story.

Tagyoureit · 01/04/2025 07:45

After your most recent update, it's time to leave it now.
The boy tried to call your ds twice so this isn't a deliberate thing, shit happens. They can always do something else, cinema or something to celebrate if they're that fussed but as your ds in secondary school now, I think it would make him look a bit silly and childish to have mummy dearest trying to sort this out for him.

LadyQuackBeth · 01/04/2025 08:15

This is a weird age for making plans as there's too many cooks - parents are still in charge and giving permission but the actual logistics are left to the kids. So many things get lost in translation and kids often expect immediate answers to texts etc. It's a learning curve in itself.

It's not, however, the personal insult it would have been in primary and the mum isn't necessarily weird or controlling, they are just moving from mum organising to kids organising.

Neodymium · 01/04/2025 08:32

Is it a limited thing like a concert or something you need to have booked for a certain date?

Lindy2 · 01/04/2025 08:52

Perhaps the birthday boy was late telling his friends about it and that's why it was a rush. The mum might have already been waiting a week to hear back.

If the activity is something like Harry Potter World or a music concert you need to be pretty speedy in booking. Another 24 hours and it might have been sold out.

If it's a much more general activity then it's a bit rubbish to have been bumped off the list.

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