To not to invite MIL to everything we do?

[Aceofspadess]

We recently returned to the part of the UK that DH grew up in after spending some time away for work. During this time away we had DD who is nearly 1 so only saw MIL every month or so. She can be quite overbearing (DH also says this) and I’ve found she can take over. For example watching my change nappies and making comments, buying DD loads of clothes etc to have at ‘her house’ that she changes her into when she sees her.

She expects that we now involve her for every celebration and event but I’m finding it a lot.
Some examples she came to stay for 6 nights over Christmas. It’s Mother’s Day tomorrow and we’re going out for lunch with her plus she wants to meet at 9am to go shopping with DH and DD. She wants us to come for lunch most weekend days and gets offended when we say no.

DDs first birthday is coming up. We have invited MIL for a small party at our house the day before, just grandparents and great-grandparents. As DDs birthday falls on a weekend DH and I planned to take her on a nice day out just the three of us for her actual birthday but MIL has heard about this now and got offended that we didn’t ask her.

I work full time and would really like to spend time with DD alone or with DH. When MIL is here she is very full on with DD for example will pick her up and take her away if we’re playing together, she will take DD out of the pushchair when my back is turned to carry her. I just want to spend some time alone with DD as when MIL is around it feels like a power struggle.

DH tries to understand my point of view but ultimately it’s his family so I feel he’s never going to quite understand it.

But I’ve not been in the situation before of having family around as my own family don’t live close by. So I’m not sure if IABU?

You and dd are dh's family first. Your feelings matter more than mil's...

Your child, your rules. And hubby should back you up, not be pandering to his mum every time

Sort this sooner than later as it will just become a more tiresome burden the older your daughter gets.

I am a grandma and would never behave like this

Sounds like you include her plenty. It’s lovely that she clearly adores your daughter and wants to be involved in her life, but she’s overstepping.
Just a cheery “Sorry MIL, just us two and DD for this trip! Can’t wait to see you all at her party though!” And change the subject. Don’t take her on.

This will only get worse. You’ve made a mistake moving back close to her. You need to move further away again. You can move now, or you can endure this for several years before you come to your senses.

Agree with this!

You (or rather your DH) need to have a lot firmer boundaries with her. She doesn’t need to be included in everything either eg your DH should have said no to shopping trip request and stated that he wanted your DC to spend a lazy Mother’s Day morning with their own mum then see her later in day (if you want that). She’s taking over and it needs nipped in the bud.

ps - does she really change your DC’s clothes if you visit? If so why do you and your DH allow this?! How odd. If she wants to buy a few outfits to keep at hers for “spare” in case needed I wouldn’t let that bother me but if I was visiting a relative and they stripped DC’s clothes off and put on a fresh set they bought themselves … well yeah that wouldn’t happen as it’s bloody strange behaviour and I wouldn’t put up with it.

You need to draw some boundaries with your Mil. Do it every time she does something you don't like: "Why are you picking my daughter up and walking away? Did you not notice we were playing ? Please put her back immediately." "Thank you Mil but I know how to change diapers. If I ever need some advice I'll make sure to ask you." "Sorry Mil but we have decided to see you for lunch and then spend some time just the three of us."

If you tell her gently but firmly how you want it you will not feel resentful when she crosses your boundaries. Boundaries she seems to need having spelled out since she doesn't seem to know what's acceptable social behaviour in general.

How on earth have you tolerated this.
You need to move away again or put your foot down.
Those examples of her behaviour should never have been tolerated.

She doesn't get to control your family life.
You have chosen very poorly in your husband if he cannot understand that.
Working full-time it is important and healthy that you get to spend time together as a family unit.

Do not consider having another child while this issue persists.

So we moved back here as we own a house here already. When we moved out of it the dynamic was really different as we didn’t have DD.

Honestly I've been in this position but worse, I actually made a thread about it when DD was a few months(now 2) and looking back my mil has most definitely give me post natal depression witb her possessive behaviour. My honest advice as someone who has come out the other end is don't say it DH alot, you're right, ultimately thats his mum and the way you feel about your dd and dd feels about you is his and his mums relationship so he will help but he also might feel in the middle.. HOWEVER just smile and do what you want with DD. If mil takes her out the pram just casually take her back and hold her too. If mil walks off, casually walk after them and make an excuse to get DD back but don't ask, just gently take her from mils arms. I felt triggered reading your post and it bought back awful memories of DDs first year. I have another DD now and I took control during the power struggle lol and it worked.

Oh and the birthday thing!! We had the same issue but I made DH say we want to do something as a 3 because we don't get alot of time with DD due to work but wr can't wait for the party. Mil was annoyed but had to deal with it and we did it again this year. She called to see our plans but we stood strong on the, see you at the party this year.

So what if she gets offended? Why is it okay for her to offend you? Why does your Dh not see that?

You need to set boundaries now and the first one is not to get her changed into clothes specifically kept at your MIL's house. She is not a doll to dress up. Think about what you can say, keep it light but you need to stand firm with her. Don;t be afraid to just keep repeating the same sentence. You don't owe her an explanation.

This is your child and you need to start doing things how you want. That starts with enjoying your DD's 1st birthday just the 3 of you. You are already having a party for the family. She sees your DD plenty especially because you both work full time so your weekends are precious. It may help to set a schedule so that she knows when you are available.

This is your first Mother's Day and she has already put her wants above yours. She is overbearing and it isn't healthy. She is literally excluding you from the shopping trip. That is weird.

Yes but why? Is this move permanent or a stop gap?

Anyway ultimately you've got a DH problem, as well as a MIL problem. You both sound very passive and are not putting on a united front. I think you need to have a serious series of chats with your DH after this weekend (because let's face it, the damage is done).

• How much contact/involvement you're both comfortable with.
• Discussing plans as a couple before committing to anything with MIL.
• What you'd rather MIL didn't do to/with DD.
• His view on the situation - does he just agree to everything because he wants to keep the peace or does he actually want to see his mum all the time and think that YOU'RE being unreasonable? Very important to establish this imo.
• Your long term plans wrt where you live, because as she gets older and more entitled this will definitely get worse, especially if you have another baby while living so close by.

My mother is also very needy and possessive and I have discussed this with my DP. Neither of us like it, I'm more triggered by her behaviour than her is, but we think it's important to maintain relationships with your family. So. We agree on boundaries beforehand. We discuss how long we'll be at events. We present a united front. We are the parents so have the final say. Yes my mum has flounced and thrown tantrums and cried because we won't let her take off on her own with DS etc but tough shit. The alternative is to not see her at all, and she obviously doesn't like that.

It’s time to start creating some boundaries. You’ve already said you want it to just be the three of you on DD’s birthday and rightly so. It’s going to feel uncomfortable but stick with it. You are not being unfair. You graciously gave MIL her special time with DD the day before.
Slowly start reducing contact so that it is less frequent, and call it out when she takes DD from the pram behind your back. There will be a lot of uncomfortable conversations but she needs to know that this is your family, your DD, and you are the priority, not her. Of course you will happily have her a part of your lives, but not controlling them. Set the precedent now or it will only get worse. She won’t like it, but this is life. Her son is now married and has his own family needs to put first.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Be clear with dh that you are unhappy and unwilling to carry on playing along with MIL. He needs to step up and have a word with her and intervene when she's too much. He's probably just not noticing things for a quiet life but you need to remind him he has an unhappy wife...
With MIal, be more assertive with her yourself and firm in your language and body language. Don't give in to keep the peace and don't be afraid to upset her. Let her be disappointed a few times and start to distance yourselves away from her and her controlling ways.

I feel for you, OP.

In a similar situation this advice helped me - using more assertive but still polite language, ie replacing the words 'sorry' or 'please' with 'thanks'. If you have not done anything wrong, you do not have to say 'sorry' and 'please' implies there's a choice, whereas 'thanks' underlines that the decision has already been made.

Stop explaining your decisions or giving options when you don't want to - watch out for 'but' or we 'wanted to' or ' could' or 'should', instead try ' we are' or ' we will' or ' is' statements.

For example:

' Hi! DC is spending her birthday with her Mummy and Daddy, thanks so much for thinking of her. Looking forward to seeing you Friday at the special Grandparents' party.'

As for MIL repeatedly telling you how to do things, I found pleasantly saying to my MIL 'oh, yes, thanks, I remember you telling me that' stopped that fairly quickly once it became my consistent response.

The clothing changes and taking her off you is ridiculous. DH needs to step up. Hopefully baby will start to resist soon, too.

It’s okay if she gets offended. How she reacts to you creating boundaries is up to her.

You need to stay strong and be consistent, otherwise it will get worse.

If she takes your DD while your back is turned, I would walk to your DD and take her back.
Your DH needs to understand that you also need time alone as family of 3 and he needs to be also the one communicating it to your MIL

Priority needs for your DH to find himself a spine op

Is she excluding you from the planned Mother's Day shopping trip on what is your first as a mother? This is unacceptable and would certainly raise a red flag with me. When she suggested the shopping trip, your husband should have made it very clear to her that was not happening.
What is their relationship like? Time for some very firm boundaries from both of you but especially your husband. Start today. Let him go shopping with his mother but make it clear your daughter stays home with you, her mother. Give him some clear choices. I would think about cancelling lunch today but possibly a step too far at this present time. However it would be a definite NO to the birthday plans.

Wow she sounds bossy and overbearing. Time to decide how much time you want to spend with her and stick to it. Get your dp on board so that you can create a United front with you. Why on earth did she stay with you so long at Christmas if she’s local?

Let her be offended.

do what you like with your weekends

@Aceofspadess if she lives so close that she can come for sunday lunch then why the hell are you allowing her to stay for 6 nights over christmas??? I would not have that. you need to tell her if your dh wont. she cannot come to everything with you. you and your family and not there to fill her social calendar!

She's a grown woman, let her sulk.