To not to invite MIL to everything we do?

[Aceofspadess]

We recently returned to the part of the UK that DH grew up in after spending some time away for work. During this time away we had DD who is nearly 1 so only saw MIL every month or so. She can be quite overbearing (DH also says this) and I’ve found she can take over. For example watching my change nappies and making comments, buying DD loads of clothes etc to have at ‘her house’ that she changes her into when she sees her.

She expects that we now involve her for every celebration and event but I’m finding it a lot.
Some examples she came to stay for 6 nights over Christmas. It’s Mother’s Day tomorrow and we’re going out for lunch with her plus she wants to meet at 9am to go shopping with DH and DD. She wants us to come for lunch most weekend days and gets offended when we say no.

DDs first birthday is coming up. We have invited MIL for a small party at our house the day before, just grandparents and great-grandparents. As DDs birthday falls on a weekend DH and I planned to take her on a nice day out just the three of us for her actual birthday but MIL has heard about this now and got offended that we didn’t ask her.

I work full time and would really like to spend time with DD alone or with DH. When MIL is here she is very full on with DD for example will pick her up and take her away if we’re playing together, she will take DD out of the pushchair when my back is turned to carry her. I just want to spend some time alone with DD as when MIL is around it feels like a power struggle.

DH tries to understand my point of view but ultimately it’s his family so I feel he’s never going to quite understand it.

But I’ve not been in the situation before of having family around as my own family don’t live close by. So I’m not sure if IABU?

She sounds like a complete pain in the arse. You can massively cut back on the time that you see her without being mean. You have invited her to a party for your DD's birthday. She is being completely unreasonable to make a fuss because she isn't invited to your day out as well.

Why on earth does she change your DD into different clothes at her house. That is such a passive aggressive thing to do as though the outfit that you have chosen isn't good enough.

Is your DH and only child? Is there a FIL? You will need to put your foot down if your DH finds it difficult to manage his mum's ridiculous expectations of her role in your lives.

Tell your DH he needs to back you up or move house.

You need to be crystal clear to dh

If your mum comes it will literally ruin my day with my daughter because of your mums behaviour.
Is that acceptable? Do you want me to enjoy my own daughters bday or have it ruined.

Secondly if your mil doesn't realise this is upsetting everyone how can she change it.

Either dh or you need to gently tell her or just ignore it op.

I've got little patience for these mils who do this now because mine did it and my dd is older teen and I look back at how fleeting those days where

Yes! Stick to your lovely plans of a family celebration and then a family day out, just the three if you. Make sure your husband keeps to this as well. If mil is having a huff, try to laugh it off (with tinkly laugh) saying she’s having more toddler tantrums than your child… Don’t cave.

What else does MIL do with her time? As well as taking the excellent advice above how about dropping in suggestions for hobbies , volunteering etc to help shift her focus? You really need to smile and do as you like here. Be very strong with DH about putting himself in your shoes. Why your dh thinks it’s ok to go out shopping at 9am leaving you alone on your first Mother’s Day is crazy. I hope you’re having a cup of tea in bed and cuddles with your little one instead. 💐

Agree with both of these.
OP learn to ignore her complaints. Invite her when it works for your family and accept no more bullying from her.
Ask her to move away when you're doing nappies etc.

Why on earth does she stay with you for a week at Christmas when she lives nearby?

I'm 45 minutes from my kids and grandkids and there's never a reason for me to need to stay.

As for her insisting on taking your kids out on mother's Day morning...nope.

Your DH needs to recognise that you three are a separate entity. It's lovely to involve grandparents (I'm appreciative of every moment that my DDs involve me in their family life) but he's acting as though he still lives with her.

Oh dear, it sounds like she's doing a Mummy Rerun. She likes to pretend that your DD is her baby.

You need to be firm. 'This trip is just for us, MIL, we want to spend some time together.' On repeat. If she's offended, that's on her and everyone will think she's batshit to get upset about her DS and his wife and baby wanting to do things together.

Oh, and move. A couple of hours away is the best distance, I've found.

I’d say ‘dd is my daughter and I treasure time with her, it’s limited since lm working. When your mum is around she basically takes her away from me, and I can’t handle it any more. I am going to spend much more time with dd on weekends that does not include your mum, who doesn’t make any allowances
for the fact that I am dds mum. You can do what you want, but I’m sad for you if you choose to substantially miss out on weekends with your child who is growing up so fast. We aren’t going shopping tomorrow morning, dd & I will go for a walk. Your mum is not invited, nor is she invited out for DDs birthday.

Your husband's family is you and your daughter, and it's this family that comes first. Not his Mum! You have included her in a lot of your plans but you are entitled to do things as a family without her. For your MIL to expect you to include her on every outing and you all to come to lunch every weekend, is too much. You need to nip this in the bud now, as if it continues you will grow resentful of her. Your husband needs to say no, and stand his ground. Including her sometimes is fine, but not all the time, and she needs to understand that. I am assuming there's no FIL or they're divorced? Does your husband have siblings?

From the way you write about him it sounds like he is still in child mode around his mother and expecting you to be like a sibling albeit the naughty one who is not doing as she’s told.
Have a conversation with your husband, establish that you are both adults now and work out from all the previous excellent advice how you are going to move forward.

Why did she stay for six nights at Christmas if she is nearby? Is she on her own?
That sounds pretty excessive.

This is really reassuring. I found the post quite triggering too as I completely resonate. I'm probably somewhere in the middle of OP and you, where I'm in the process of trying to deal with it. My MIL definitely triggered my PPA and my husband only recognised it after I hit a wall and had a bit of a breakdown (not using that word lightly). I've had therapy and it forced me to be honest with my husband which has been helpful because I don't think he recognised it before and he has been supportive, to an extent. The main outcome though is that I'm really working on myself because I'll never change her but it's difficult to be assertive in these scenarios when it doesn't come naturally and it's not something I've ever encountered before DS was born.

My MIL cried when we said we were spending son's first birthday as a family (party arranged for the following day). The birthday plans are one of the easiest first boundaries to set because it's being discussed in advance and your husband is involved in planning - she already knows so just stick with it, you can say it's a "we" decision (so you're not carrying all the responsibility) and reassure her the party with everyone there will be lovely. We're approaching my son's second birthday and (touch wood), there haven't been any questions yet but we're doing the same this year - family day out on his birthday and visiting family in the days after. Hoping the short term awkwardness first time round has set the benchmark for this and subsequent years.

Having become somewhat of a people pleaser to my own detriment after my son was born, you should do something that you and DH will enjoy so you have a lovely memory of the day.

This is crazy, I have no idea how you haven't lost it before now. Does your husband actively want his mother around this much or is he afraid to establish boundaries with her? Neither are good but you can work on the latter at least. Stop telling her your plans, stop leaving any windows open for her, see her (possibly)more than you would like but a lot less than she would like and stop alloying her to dictate terms. Clearly this woman has no common sense or empathy so I'm afraid it's up to you guys to put in place and maintain good boundaries because she never saw one she wouldn't trample over.

Your dh needs to grow up and realise that you and dd are first level family and come first.
His dm is now relegated to level 2. Just ignore her and do your family stuff without her. Dmil can huff and puff but she essentially needs to learn to entertain herself now

Learn to not care if she's "offended". That's it really. "We're going to be having some family time on Wednesday but we'll see you on Saturday!". Cheery, factual. And pretend not to notice the sulk.

You have to be firm with your boundaries to protect yourself and your family.