Im so Incredibly lonely

[Dabsaa]

I need to vent somewhere. 26yo married to the first man I've ever been with seriously and met at 19. We have 3yo and 1.5yo.

He has suspected adhd. In the process of diagnosing and tbh with all due respect it can be hard to deal with sometimes. If I don't deal with things how he wishes he is moody he has emotional outbursts and I really struggle. I feel like hes fell out of love with me and I have with him a bit.

I don't have close friends. Small family who I don't want to burden. My social interaction is my kids but obviously I can't relay my thoughts onto them aha!

Part of me thinks stay until they're older and more independent as hes useless with them. He goes on about being a dad but has never done a night feed. Doesnt change our youngest babies nappies and didn't help potty train eldest just for an insight. My kids ask for me when they wake in the night. My job requires the odd event away in a different city in the UK which I've never done yet as I can't leave my kids. I should be able to with their own bloody dad.

But this ties into my loneliness. I can't leave them so can't get hobbies or join groups where I could make friends and maybe even meet a man who'd say something really lovely to.me I don't know.

When I'm at shops (food or clothes) or nursery i chat and i stop myself as I know it's me being lonely chatting. I love the kids nursery and have great relationships with the staff there but part of the reason I chat longer is because I'm lonely

Just needed to vent as again. I have no one to vent to. I look back and I would never regret getting with the father of my children as the only happiness in my life is my kids. But I look at 19yo me and wonder why I ignored so many red flags

You need to leave him with the kids, why can't you?

Ltb girl

Having adhd is difficult but its not an excuse to be a poor partner

I've found that a lot of men, but not mums, get to use adhd as an excuse for their behaviour

Talk to your family and leave him xx

He'd get shared custody and sometimes hes so erratic I have a fear he'd take them and ignore me so essentially kidnap them

I've looked into it and the only people who get sole custody are people who have abusive partners and hes verbally abusive to me but that wont slide in court

I haven't left yet as my kids are so young and want me all the time which they can have now. He'd get half custody if we split and I feel sick about how upset they'd be staying over and me not being there in the night etc they ask for mammy/mama when they wake

What happens if you ask him to change a nappy? It would really annoy me if he keeps banging on about being a dad when he is really really shit at it.

Have you thought about leaving him? You wouldn't miss him as he doesn't do anything to help and he isn't nice to you.

What is your financial situation like? Could you afford to split up?

Would he want shared custody, though? Because it doesn’t sound like it. Surely he’d be happy being a Saturday afternoon dad considering he does fuck all with them at the moment.

Would he want 50/50 because he loves his kids or because he wants to punish you? It's farcical that a man that can't even change a nappy would want 50/50. Keep records of his erratic behaviour. He sounds quite dangerous so I understand your reluctance to do anything that could end up hurting your children.

He won't want them though we always think they will and they may threaten it. But the reality is, it wears off and we're left holding the babies.

ADHD is the top NT thing I wouldn't get in a relationship with. Not a chance. It's hard enough trying to be friends with it or having a kid with it.

You're missing open doors while you stay in this relationship and your kids are young enough where it won't affect them much long term.

So we are married. My name is on the mortgage so I am entitled to our home or funds if we split. Fortunately have a greatjob and I am part time but if he paid child support he is the higher earner which'd help.

However it is more the care. I feel he'd try for shared to spite me and obviously he'd get it as he isn't physically abusive. So do I just bide my time until my kids are older

I feel physically sick at the thought of them being upset and wanting me and me not being there :(

And obviously it can be said he wouldn't want shared custody etc but its a risk I don't want to take. I don't want to think that then go through everything and be gets the kids too

OP, sending you a big hug. I suggest you take legal advice if you’re thinking about separation. Lots of solicitors offer a thirty minute session at no cost. Make sure you choose a good family law specialist. What you say about “half custody” isn’t accurate. In my experience the courts want young children of this age to spend the majority of their time (ie more than 50%, and sometimes as much as 80/85%ish) with one primary carer. Usually, the parent best able to meet the children’s needs is their primary carer. The term “custody” doesn’t exist any more. I’m a family law solicitor. X

I would stay until the youngest was at least 4. I couldn’t leave babies with a man like that.

Thanks for the big hug @ThePoliteLion I am scared to take the chance. I may meet with someone

And thanks everyone who's commented. He is lazy and selfish but I just need to vent I am so lonely and biding my time until my kids are older and wouldn't feel scared without me overnight etc

Regarding loneliness, can you join a toddler group or church type thing where people may be more open to chatting and making friends?

If it's making you unhappy then leave, it's better to be happy single than unhappy and lonely with an arse for a husband.

As for the loneliness, I wouldn't worry about striking up conversations when out shopping. You never know what people are going through. Your random conversation may be the only one they have that day.

Can he look after the kids whilst they sleep. Could you then do something once a week, yoga, night class, gym, swimming, book club ... anything?
Or could your mum have them?
If not take the kids to tge park, swimming, meet other mums

The only thing stopping me leaving is the potential of shared custody

You’re so young, you have so much opportunity ahead. That doesn’t help right now but it will.

I second this.

This relationship isn’t working but I would focus on getting some friends and a support network in place.

This will help you feel less lonely but also when the time comes to leave, you will have people to help you move, babysit or just offer emotional support etc.

I would get your ducks in a row as MNers say, financially and emotionally.
Make a plan on how you can leave with as little impact as possible.

By 30 you want to be on your own home, celebrating with your kids and new friends, with an excitement for the future.

It does. Im hoping I can leave when my kids are older enough and hopefully find true love. If not I'd be happy enough with my kids in my life but itd be nice to find true love as I say this was my first ever boyfriend

Im sad that I'm nearly 27 with 2 kids and realising so many issue the start with him were there.

I ignored them but if I met a man like him now. I'd end it early on and not get with him. I was. So young and had a warped idea of love.

Ah, OP. Just wanted to send you a hug.

You say you don't want to burden your family - most family members would want to know if their child was unhappy, don't you think?

You seem perceptive, sensible, and a caring mother. You know what you need to do. It makes sense to consider the timing, so long as you are safe? But guard your heart, it's depressing to feel stuck in a situation you don't want to be in.

In the meantime, there are things you can do to help improve the situation, whether or not you leave your husband. Loneliness can be addressed. Start small. Be brave. Keep trying.

Toddlers groups are a great idea. Do chat to people in shops! That kind of small interaction matters. Chat on here. Clubs at work?

Lots of things will get easier as the kids get bigger. Take heart.

Crying again while I sit in bed alone. I am safe when I say emotional outbursts he just flips his lid now and then and I ignore him now which is the best method but it used to upset me

Worst comes to worse my mum and dad live 5 min drive away. I have people I just don't want to tell them now as I say I feel like I've already set my mind on biding my time until they're old enough for me to leave him.

Will look into mum groups/Toddler groups for my NWD.

Where are you based op? If you ever want someone to talk to you can always inbox me

Huge hug.
Tell someone in your family. Will someone from your family babysit for you so you can get an hour out doing a hobby?

If your parents are loving and only down the road, please talk to them.

I’d hate to think of my daughter suffering like this without me knowing.

You sound like a lovely woman and a great mum who deserves support. I very much doubt your family would see it as ‘burdening’ them. Would you if it was one of your children?

Sending huge hugs xx

No advice but just wanted to wish you well. I know the feeling.