Daughter and stepdaughter

[Tinogirl]

My daughter has become increasingly jealous of my stepdaughter because of her confidence and how she is so articulate, and being at ease with adults. I just don’t know how to help her with her confidence because all she can do is compare herself with my stepdaughter.

My daughter really, really wanted a relationship with my husband’s daughter. There is just under a year and a half between them but my stepdaughter has absolutely no interest in me or my daughter. She is always polite though, there has never been an issue with behaviour.

My daughter will be going to a state secondary school in September while my stepdaughter has always been privately educated.

SD’s mother is in a better financial position to us and crucially SD is central to her Dad as it should be and to Dh’s family whereas
daughter’s dad is indifferent to her and sees her about 2 or 3 times a year.

We are going, just the two of us, to Boston at Easter to see my cousin. I am hoping to use this as an opportunity to talk to her but I don’t know what to say. I worry she won’t reach her potential because she compares herself unfavourably to Dh’s daughter.

A really silly example but last night Stepdaughter spoke directly to waiter, asked for her meal to be modified but my daughter was almost struck dumb and I had to order her meal.

The first thing to be clear about is this is no fault whatsoever of your SD’s.

Heading to secondary V having been there for almost 2years is quite a while developmentally.

There are plenty of full siblings where the older one is confident and self assured and doesn't want much to do with the younger one. Take her out and get her to practice asking for things and paying for things in shops. And then asking people for directions. And build it up gradually.

Dd is comparing herself, but so are you. Using the 'crucial' information that DS has more access to money, private education, and extended family is you making unfair comparisons.

Dd is much younger in terms of adolescence, and even if they were actual siblings they might be chalk and cheese still.

Does your DD do any clubs or sports. Meeting different people rather than at school help. S

My DC swim, first step was paying to go into the pool themselves. If was familiar and safe. Then going into shop to pay for something. Gradually build up to ordering an ice cream.

These are life skills you need to teach. The age difference is vast between primary and high school.

There is such a lot of difference at those ages anyway in confidence levels. At 12 mine wouldn't order food, go into a shop etc but by 14 where well away and much more confident.

Get your DD into something that will improve resilience and confidence - a sport, a club, volunteering etc.

If you do mention your SDs confidence do it in a somewhat relaxed jokey way, and maybe compare her to your self rather than DD

Your daughter needs to be given more opportunities, praise and encouragement to be her own person in the world never mind SD. This should happen anyway, it’s nothing to do with SD. Surely it’s part of the job to make sure kids can enjoy themselves in any situation, which means helping them know what to do which results in them feeling at ease, look the world in the eye and get on with life. Does she volunteer? Have apart time job? Hobbies? If not help her find them. Why on earth did you order your daughter’s meal? Have you not expected her to do these things before?
You sound envious of the other family. Get the chip off your own shoulder and focus on helping your daughter shine.

There's a big difference maturity to a kid in high school to one on primary. Even more so if dss mum family perhaps eat out more etc.

This has to come from you. We always encouraged our kids to speak directly to waiters in a restaurant and encouraged our children to greet visitors when they arrived. Making sure they said thank you after being invited and looking people in the eyes. While you are ordering in a restaurant for her she is able to hide behind you.

You were pregnant when your husband had a 9 month old baby with another woman? Suspect there is much more to this than meets the eye.

OP's daughter doesn't share a dad with her stepdaughter.

You've left their ages out of your OP?

@redphonecase

We have only been married for 7 years.

READ THE POST! Ffs they have different dads!!

@TeapotTitties

11 and 13

@Tinogirl what ages are they? My two are so different dd11 would rather I ordered for her my ds9 is adamant that he wants to order for himself.

First off there is an awful lot of growing up that happens in the first two years of secondary school.

in terms of confidence I had this with DD she had therapy (relating not just to this) but the therapist made her start to do these things herself - walk alone, go into a shop and buy things, order something at a counter and put her own order in for meals. She had to do it and I wasn’t allowed to step in and help

My daughter dances, goes to Greek School and is perfectly capable of ordering etc but when SD is around she reverts into her shell.

I am not blaming SD at all.

You are also comparing you dd to sd which is unfair as dd is younger and might not be a similar personality to sd anyway.

The more dd goes out of her comfort zone and does stuff like talk to waiters, the better she’ll get. Encourage dd to avoid self service and apps so she gets the practice in - even if it’s just replying to questions like whether she found everything that she was looking for today. With self service machines etc being the norm, I think that a lot of kids are like your dd with the tongue tied behaviour tbh- our generation spoke on phones rather than texted so we had to learn stuff like asking the parent if friend was in so that you could talk to them on the phone.

Chill out, she's 11.

Most kids mature hugely when they start senior school.

There's no hurry.

But the advice still stands don’t step in

the other thing is is she worried about high school and not being grown up enough

Ah she’s the same age as my dd, I always just reassure her that we are all different and we all have our strengths ( try and get her to find hers) and them at by this time next year ordering in a restaurant will probably not be a big deal at all. All in good time ❤️

Step siblings so different dad.

Nice try, though.

oh I see, sorry.

Has your daughter actually said she is jealous and compares herself to SD? It's common for a younger child to idolise a slightly older one and want to be like her and be liked by her. Could you have a chat with your SD and let her know how much your daughter looks up to her and see if she could take her under her wing a little bit? Your daughter is probably feeling a bit sad that SD is so indifferent to her.