Sibling visit and expectations

[MissIonX]

Might be long so as not to drip feed and give background. Who is being unreasonable?

Background:

Andrea and Brendan and brother and sister. Andrea is married to Colin, and Brendan is married to Diane. Andrea and Colin have two children 10 and 13; Brendan and Diane have two children aged 5 and 6 (6 year old has additional needs).

Andrea and Colin moved away from area where family stay for Colins work 10+ years ago and are to visit only 1 or 2 times per year (journey is 6-8 hours depending on traffic). They try to see all family during this time. Brendan and Diane have offered to host all family at their home so visiting can be done together, but Andrea and Colin prefer not to as it's too impersonal, and always turns into a party. Easiest way has been to work out who they are going to visit during the trip, then text family to let them know suggested meeting times, adjusting if necessary (they've only ever had to adjust for Brendan and Diane as others usually move their schedule to accommodate).

Brendan and Diane stay local to the rest of the extended family, but also have a holiday home 90 minutes away. Diane has a job that has her travelling regularly, long haul flights involved. Brendan and Colin are friendly enough but somewhat more distant after a falling out during a weekend away several years ago, as Colin had strong views on Brendan going NC with one of his and Andrea's parents.

The who IBU...

Andrea and Colin intend to travel with their children to visit over Easter time. They've text all family including Brendan and Diane to let them know of when they propose they meet up. Brendan has advised that Diane returns from a lengthy worktrip (2 weeks away from family) and will be tired from the travel. The next day doesn't suit either as Brendan and Diane have planned a family day with the kids after her trip and the day after they are heading to their holiday home for Easter holiday as Diane is off work.

Brendan and Diane have suggested they join them at their holiday home and they can host there or they would join them for the day when Colin visits his brother who lives approx 1 hour away from their holiday home (opposite direction from their home). Andrea and Colin don't want this as conversation with brother will be more stilted with Brendan and Diane and their kids there.

Andrea and Colin want Brendan and Diane to come back to their home to meet or delay going to the holiday home. Who is being unreasonable?

Voting:

Andrea and Colin unreasonable YABU
Brendan and Diane unreasonable YANBU

Neither really. Though A and C seem to want it all their way. At least Brendan has tried to provide a decent alternative.

And is Colin still being steamed up over a disagreement 3 yrs ago about B and B's issues with his own parents? Is Colin too involved?

Nobody’s being unreasonable, it’s just not going to work out this time. Do the soothing platitudes thing, ‘ah what a shame ,we’ll see you another time’ and quietly acknowledge you all don’t like each other enough to change your plans, which is fine.

What @Velvetbee said

Yeah, next time. If you all actually wanted to see each other you'd make it happen

Agree.
No need to get overly worked up over it . Everyone is busy and everyone has their own schedule / needs / wants.

Also the 6 year old with SEN is likely to need extra settling as mum returns from the work trip so it just won’t work this time.

There’s no way I’d be changing my plans for Easter with a couple of weeks notice just because my sibling has decided to grace everyone with their presence and expected everyone to meet their requirements for individual visits and particular dates. My time and plans are no less important than my sibling’s just because sibling moved away.

Andrea and Colin should’ve consulted with people they want to see about when would be convenient, not just announced they were coming and expected the entire rest of the family to accommodate them. Andrea and Colin need to accept that this time their preferences can’t be met and they’ll just have to see them another time.

Brendan has some concerns about Colin being somewhat controlling with Andrea but this is just a suspicion. Colin felt that by Brendan going NC and never introducing their kids to that parent that Brendan was judging Colin and Andrea's decision to maintain the relationship between the grandparent and their children following the serious wrongdoing incident.

Part of a wider problem I feel and basically niether of you prioritise seeing each other hence why you aren't prepared to be flexible to each other's needs etc.

It's just not suitable on this occasion and it doesn't need to much of a fuss made. "Sorry we won't manage to catch up this time, hopefully next time things aren't as hectic" and leave it at that.

Iv massively pulled away from being the person who enables and facilitates others people's needs and wants often at my own peril so now if it doesn't work for me, it doesn't happen and it sounds like a similar situation

Brendan and Diane are being asked by family to change their plans as Brendan and Diane are letting down their nephews/nieces by not doing so.

That's what Brendan and Diane have said. Also as Diane is due to leave imminently they can't change the plan and get child used to the new plan, though Andrea and Colin have queried if the 2 weeks really wouldn't be long enough to get them used to the later departure to holiday home.

Andrea, Colin and the rest of the family should accept that it won’t work this time and leave them alone.

I would tell Andrea and Colin to stop acting like they're entitled to other people's time, and the rest of the family, to mind their own business. Are Andrea and Colin royalty or something, that everyone else has to bow to their desires?

Brendan and Diane are not letting their nieces and nephews down.
(At 10 and 13 do they even really care?)
Andrea and Colin seem pretty inflexible to be honest.

I don't think either couple are unreasonable; but I'd say people are probably suggesting they see each other "because they're family" rather than because they actually get on. If someone isn't available they should say they can't make it work that time and be clear to the visiting couple it doesn't work. It's a good idea to just be firm "Sorry it doesn't work this time, maybe next time". Rinse and repeat and stop discussing what you are doing instead (because then they come back with other options and suggestions).

This quote is so telling. B&D aren’t letting down their nieces and nephews. why do you think they are and why should they top trump their own children?

it’s not going to work this time. Accept it, enjoy your trip, see them next time.

OP is Diane I reckon.

It all sounds a bit intense. Maybe they're just can't meet up this time.

B and D should stick to their plans. If A and C can't be arsed to go to the holiday home, that's their choice.

A & C are unreasonable.

I say this as the one who moved away too. I don't expect everyone to change their plans to suit me every time, sometimes timings just don't work.

Agree. Reading it that way makes it easier to read. And agree they should stick to the original plan.

Yes dh and I are Brendan and Diane. I just wanted some impartial views as it has been suggested we are being unreasonable by family for not agreeing to the schedule set by Colin and Andrea.

The blame for "upsetting the children" I feel particularly peeved about.

A&C are very unreasonable. Letting people know you will be around and would love to see them is good, but expecting people to change their own plans is just selfish.

Either delay going to holiday home by a day or just can’t do it this time. Seems simple enough.

We can't delay. One of our children is autistic, part of him coping with my travel for work is having a "now and next" board to help him plan for our routine. We have it at home for longer periods when I travel. We have been working on mummy being away and he knows once I'm back we go there after x sleeps. It's too late to try and adjust the plan now (I'm currently at the airport) and get him used to the new plan without severely impacting him and how he copes with my travel more broadly (all very well managed with this system OT suggested).

We have offered alternatives to meeting at the holiday home, us travelling to Colins brothers house, meeting for lunch midway, nothing other than being at our home when suggested or delaying is agreeable to Andrea and Colin.