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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL dilemma

46 replies

Miquandry · 29/03/2025 16:21

My MIL has lived with us for about 5 years. She is retired and only has a small pesion and some support from her ex. We don't charge her rent or ask for contributions to bills. She buys her own food.

Her ex is saying he shouldn't have to pay her allowance any more as she is our responsibility now. However I'm the only person earning money and am already supporting my own family. Legally do I need to support her too? Is there a precedent from her living with us for so long.

She was running a car but can't afford to wothout the spousal support but she does need one as she does a lot of errands for her other adult DCs. Part of me feels guilty that I've not offered to get a car on finance in my name that she can then use. I have a car but bought it outright and use it myself for getting to work.
We have a lot of expense at the moment so I'm trying to save as much as I can each month to put towards those costs that I know are coming- garden improvements, new furniture etc.

I'm starting to feel resentful that I'm the only person earning and carrying the responsibility for everyone else. I also wish we didn't have to live together but circumstances meant there wasn't really an alternative after her divorce. It's frustrating as I feel judged by her despite everything I have sacrificed such as a normal adult relationship without my MIL in my home. I'd rather just live with DH and our kids like most other people can.

Am I completely selfish and unreasonable for feeling like this? None of her DC earn what I do and they have their own homes to run so it falls on me to provide a house for her.

OP posts:
Anoisagusaris · 29/03/2025 16:23

Why isn’t your DH working?

Andylion · 29/03/2025 16:25

**
She was running a car but can't afford to wothout the spousal support but she does need one as she does a lot of errands for her other adult DCs

Is she being supported at all by these other adult DC?

Buttonknot · 29/03/2025 16:27

Is the income from her ex part of a court ordered divorce settlement?

Runningoutofthyme · 29/03/2025 16:27

Where is your dh in all this?

OneWittySquid · 29/03/2025 16:28

What are with all these threads with adults been supported by their offspring or siblings it's not normal.

GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2025 16:32

she does need one as she does a lot of errands for her other adult DCs

Then her other adult dc will have to buy her one. It's not your responsibility morally or legally to do so.

Why doesnt she pay towards bills ?

Kitchensinktoday · 29/03/2025 16:33

Anoisagusaris · 29/03/2025 16:23

Why isn’t your DH working?

Irrespective of why he isn’t working, I can’t work out why the MIL has lived with them for the past 5 years?

thepariscrimefiles · 29/03/2025 16:34

What is she like to live with? Does she help with your children, cooking, cleaning etc?

It isn't normal for you to have to completely support her. Why can't her other children help? Certainly don't buy her a car so she can run errands for the children that make no contribution. Why on earth do you feel guilty about it?

You are not being unreasonable to just want to live with your own family without your MIL. Why doesn't your DH work?

Winter2020 · 29/03/2025 16:51

How old is MIL?
Surely she should be on universal credit or have a pension?
Can she get a job?

Noshowlomo · 29/03/2025 16:54

What’s your DH doing in all this?

Flossflower · 29/03/2025 16:59

Another one asking why your MIL is not paying towards bills.
I can’t get over all these threads today about children supporting parents. I would live on the streets rather than ask my children for money. In the UK at least money goes down the generations, not the other way round.
Why isn’t your husband working?
If your MIL is running errands for her other children, they need to help with the car, not you.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/03/2025 17:09

You are not financially responsible for your mother in law, she needs to go somewhere else.

arcticpandas · 29/03/2025 17:13

Ofcourse you're not unreasonable not wanting to support your Mil financially and live with her. You have been more than generous having had her living with you for 5 years! You have many people moaning about having to put up with their Mil for one week.

Some additional info is needed: is there a court agreement for the spousal support? What does your DH have to say? How come he isn't working (mutual agreement/illness or has he decided not to work?) . What was the agreement when she moved in? Can she get UC/ benefits?

BakelikeBertha · 29/03/2025 17:17

How old is your MIL? If she's capable of running errands for her family, then couldn't she get herself a job?

Like everyone else, I'd like to know what your DH is doing with respect to financing his Mum.

Are you caring for her because of family ethnicity OP, or is there some other reason why you, as an in-law, are working your butt off to finance her. There's no way I'd be doing this, especially when you say that you feel judged by her despite everything you have sacrificed to give her a roof over her head. If you no longer wish to support her OP, then you need to make her homeless, and send her to the Council to find her a place to live, and benefits to live on.

krustykittens · 29/03/2025 17:37

If she needs the car to run errands for her other adult DC and they think this is a vital service, they can pay for the car. If she is able to run around after her other children, she can get a part time job and start contributing. Her ex doesn't have to keep paying for her if it is not part of a legal settlement but you have no obligations. If she is living rent free in your home to avpid homelesses then she needs to start makign the effort to be as easy to live with as possible.

mnahmnah · 29/03/2025 17:42

How old is she?
Why is she living with you?
Can she not work herself?
Are her other DC paying anything towards her upkeep? Why is she running around doing errands for them?
Why is your DH not working?

Do not buy her a car. You are already massively financially supporting her by not charging rent or bills!

Shinyandnew1 · 29/03/2025 18:20

Part of me feels guilty that I've not offered to get a car on finance in my name that she can then use.

Why would you think that?! What a bizarre thing to think!

Why does she live with you?
Why did her ex pay for her but suddenly says he'll stop when she's lived with you for 5 years?
Why doesn't your husband work?
Why does she do chores for her kids but they don't support her?

Elsvieta · 29/03/2025 18:47

Of course you're not legally obliged to support another adult who isn't your spouse / former spouse. You don't even have an obligation to house your dc or give them a penny, from the day they're 18.

Whether her ex has to pay her anything is a matter for the court - you don't come into it, and neither do his views on what he "should" or shouldn't be doing. If he tries to talk to you about it, remind him of that. If he doesn't, it's between him and her.

Give her a timeline for moving out and stick to it. If she can't afford her own place she'll be eligible for council housing. Or if you can afford it and you think it's worth it to have her gone, offer to help her out with a rental deposit / moving costs / buying furniture or whatever. After that, time to close the bank of DIL, permanently.

Original poster
Miquandry · 29/03/2025 19:33

Buttonknot · 29/03/2025 16:27

Is the income from her ex part of a court ordered divorce settlement?

Yes that's right but he is claiming a change in circumstances and that as she now lives with us she doesn't need it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miquandry · 29/03/2025 19:34

Anoisagusaris · 29/03/2025 16:23

Why isn’t your DH working?

He is the primary caregiver to our children. He is looking to start working again in September when both will be in school.

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 29/03/2025 19:38

Miquandry · 29/03/2025 19:34

He is the primary caregiver to our children. He is looking to start working again in September when both will be in school.

Show quote history

Can't your freeloading MIL provide childcare to enable your DH to return to work sooner?

Original poster
Miquandry · 29/03/2025 19:47

I started replying to individual quotes but probably easier to share more info.

She hasn't worked for 20 years due to early retirement for ill health and is now mid 70s.

She had to sell family home following divorce and not enough equity to buy somewhere. We had room so she came to us. She gave equity from sale to her other DC to use as deposits on their homes.

Other DC don't have the disposable income we do so can't afford to support her. My DH doesn't think I should get her a car either and tbh I know I shouldn't but my guilty conscience kicks in as technically I could afford it.

DH will be going back to work once our kids are both in school but will be a p/t admin role around school hours.

We never charged her for living with us because we have more money so it didn't feel right to.

It's definitely expected in our culture to care for older relatives and my DH is the oldest son so it falls to him but as I'm the breadwinner it becomes me.

Appreciate the comment re. spousal support - her has just stopped paying it as says he should have been told when house was sold and got more money as the value had increased since the divorce was finalised.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miquandry · 29/03/2025 19:48

Ilikewinter · 29/03/2025 19:38

Can't your freeloading MIL provide childcare to enable your DH to return to work sooner?

Show quote history

You'd think but she's never around as she provides childcare to her other son's children.

OP posts:
BakelikeBertha · 29/03/2025 19:54

From your latest update OP, I think I'd be having firm words with MIL and telling her that if she wants to continue to live with you, then she stops caring for her other sons children, and starts caring for yours, so that HER son, can get a full time job and actually support her, rather than expecting YOU to do it when YOU actually don't have any responsibility for her. If she fights it, then I'd tell her to go and live with her other son, as she's enabling them, and taking the piss out of you.

Dearg · 29/03/2025 20:05

BakelikeBertha · 29/03/2025 19:54

From your latest update OP, I think I'd be having firm words with MIL and telling her that if she wants to continue to live with you, then she stops caring for her other sons children, and starts caring for yours, so that HER son, can get a full time job and actually support her, rather than expecting YOU to do it when YOU actually don't have any responsibility for her. If she fights it, then I'd tell her to go and live with her other son, as she's enabling them, and taking the piss out of you.

Completely agree with this. Your DH’s entire family are using you. Don’t put up with this any longer .

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