MIL dilemma

[Miquandry]

My MIL has lived with us for about 5 years. She is retired and only has a small pesion and some support from her ex. We don't charge her rent or ask for contributions to bills. She buys her own food.

Her ex is saying he shouldn't have to pay her allowance any more as she is our responsibility now. However I'm the only person earning money and am already supporting my own family. Legally do I need to support her too? Is there a precedent from her living with us for so long.

She was running a car but can't afford to wothout the spousal support but she does need one as she does a lot of errands for her other adult DCs. Part of me feels guilty that I've not offered to get a car on finance in my name that she can then use. I have a car but bought it outright and use it myself for getting to work.
We have a lot of expense at the moment so I'm trying to save as much as I can each month to put towards those costs that I know are coming- garden improvements, new furniture etc.

I'm starting to feel resentful that I'm the only person earning and carrying the responsibility for everyone else. I also wish we didn't have to live together but circumstances meant there wasn't really an alternative after her divorce. It's frustrating as I feel judged by her despite everything I have sacrificed such as a normal adult relationship without my MIL in my home. I'd rather just live with DH and our kids like most other people can.

Am I completely selfish and unreasonable for feeling like this? None of her DC earn what I do and they have their own homes to run so it falls on me to provide a house for her.

She's really taking the piss out of you

OK, so her other children got money when she sold her house, you gave her a home, you pay all her living expenses but she doesn't provide childcare for your children as she does this for her other grandchildren?

It may be normal in your culture but it looks as though she is taking massive advantage of you where you do all the giving and she does all the taking. I would be filled with resentment, particularly about the child care. That seems so cheeky to me.

So you are being expected to subsidise your MIL so that she can do errands and childcare for her other DC.

Don't do it, the whole family is just using you. Put your foot down now or you'll spend your whole life looking after them, and not your own family.

Your MIL is in her 70s, what if this goes on for another 20 years.

Think.properly about it, and stop now.

So she gave the equity to her other children and provides childcare for them while she is dependent on you? That's outrageous. You aren't supporting her, you're supporting your DH's whole family! If she's living in your house then you should get at least the larger share of the equity AND the childcare that would allow your DH to work full time from September, and ideally at least part time from now.

Basically you're paying for your DH siblings to have a house deposit and childcare. Plus whatever the errands are that she does so much of.

That's what it boils down to.

Tell her to shape up or ship out, she's royally taking the piss. She either needs to contribute meaningfully to the household she is living in, or she needs to move to one of the households she is contributing to.

This is utter madness.

And if you buy her a car I'm going to climb through the bloody screen and slap you!

It's definitely expected in our culture to care for older relatives and my DH is the oldest son so it falls to him but as I'm the breadwinner it becomes me.

Is it expected that one woman directly or indirectly supports an entire family without anyone even asking her if she minds or showing the slightest smidge of appreciation?

She gave equity from sale to her other DC to use as deposits on their homes.

Then contributes NOTHING to your household - neither financially nor childcare which would allow your dh to work ?

This is outrageous.

Why on earth would anyone agree to an arrangement in the first place ?

Honestly I've nearly started this thread so many times over the years but I'm so glad I did today.
You've all confirmed what I knew in my heart.
DH did work until 2021 so initially she was helping with childcare but once he stopped working she started helping everyone else and now it's almost too entrenched to see a way back.
We'll likely use wraparound care once DH goes back to work and he'll work shorter days to do pick up and drop off. I work out of the home in a job with long hours and travel which I love and pays me very well so it's right for our family that DH is in a job that fits around the DC.
I actually have told DH that if this continues it will be the end of us. This thread has been the wake up call I know I needed but was procrastinating making.

Absolute bunch of piss takers.

Well if your Mil hadn't given all her equity to her other children she would have enough to buy herself a car. Not a smart move on her part and I would point this out to her. Did she keep any of it? Did she not think at any point I need to keep this money for any future needs. Do not feel quilty about the money. She had money but it was her choice to give it away.

I think she kept about £50k but have no idea if that's been reduced over the years just by day to day spending, Christmas presents etc.
There wasn't enough equity to buy an alternative house outright.

Id have an honest chat with mil that you need her other help with childcare so dh can go back to work asap

Given the circumstances the very least she can do is child care for your children so that your DH can return to work to help support your household. It’s utter madness that you house her and pay for everything and yet she provides childcare for other family members who are not opening their home to her free of charge.

I get the cultural expectations, but she should whilst able provide you with the childcare as some form of compensation for her living arrangements.

This.

Agree with pp you are indirectly supporting all your husband’s siblings and their families too, it’s not ok. Tell MIL that she needs to provide childcare for your family so that your husband can go back to work as it’s too much pressure on you to be supporting everyone single-handed. And don’t you dare finance a car for her!

(As far as her ex is concerned, maybe you could work out a way to charge her a “rent” on paper to live with you so that he doesn’t have a case to change the court order?)

OMG they are taking the complete piss!!

She's divorced, she provides no childcare, your husband doesn't work.

You support everyone financially (to some extent).

What culture is this? Sounds like a very selective version of expectations.

This. When she needs someone to provide physical care all day every day, will that "fall" to you, do you think? Funny how things fall sometimes. Almost as if someone else was actually controlling their movements, really quite skilfully.

Get her out of the house before your DH resumes working - when he's earning, it'll be easier for him to argue. The sibling who has had a house deposit out of her and is now getting free childcare can figure out where she'll sleep. And if they won't, she can apply for council housing. And go to court and get the payment from her ex back.

Lots of people suggesting she provides childcare. Seriously? Mid-70s with poor health. I wouldn’t have entrusted my kids to such a grandparent.

Have you spoken to social services, OP?

My initial thought when reading this thread was that it was a baiting wind up post. Your DH and MIL seem cut from the same cloth.

Let me get this right…. Your husbands siblings all got given money from your MIL when she sold her house yet you got nothing AND have to now house her and pay her way?!

You’ve been totally taken advantage of by everyone in this situation. Tell your husband to get back to work asap, tell your MIL that she has to pull her weight more around the house and with the children if she’s going to continue living with you and tell her other children to step up and take some of the financial burden of her if there is absolutely no way for her to work/pay her way.

Or better yet tell her to go to her local council office and sort housing. She is not your responsibility and you shouldn’t have to be burdened with her until she essentially dies and leaves!

She does it for the others