DP’s crazy ex - does it ever get better?

[Letmeloose]

DP warned me about his crazy ex when we first got together, but years later I had no idea how bad it would actually be. I dismissed his ‘crazy ex’, thinking it was probably something my DP was exaggerating or perhaps he had cheated on her etc.

We share a child and he has one with his ex. Every time something significant happens in our lives, she does something crazy. Bogus police reports, abusive emails that are pages long, opening fraudulent maintenance claims, starting and then dropping court proceedings,
constant threats, alienating their child and telling them they aren’t welcome back in the house unless they side with her. She has not targeted any abusive at me directly, it has all been at my DP or their child. She hated my partners ex and was abusive towards her. We’ve tried to report her for some of these things and are told they are civil disputes and the police won’t get involved.

DP is now going through courts for stable access and they’ve just sent the report over which details her history. It shows a long history of her being abusive to her partners, her exes, exes of her partners. There’s a report of her being verbally abusive to and criminal damage of her current partner’s former wives car. It shows she has made numerous police reports about allegations of abuse, rape, violence, against all of her past partner and current partner, this includes my DP. All of her police reports have been closed with no further action. Lots of social services reports against her, suicide attempts, self harm.

I am just tired of it all, the constant ‘drama’ and fear of what is coming next. I’m scared for my own reputation and if she starts to make allegations against me, or comes to my house, or somehow manages to access my child. I’ve suggested to my DP we report her for her more serious things to the police or demand someone to take us seriously or report to social services, but he’s terrified to because of the potential impact on his child.

I love my DP and want to be with him and support him but I feel constantly anxious. I just can’t see how it will get any better, she seems genuinely mentally unwell.

Has anyone experienced this? Does it get any better?

It certainly doesn’t sound like it’ll improve. Is staying with him worth it? Decades more drama?

If she’s that bad why hasn’t he become or at least tried to be the resident parent? She sounds highly unstable.

He is trying, but it doesn’t look like that will happen. It says in the report that because there aren’t any current concerns (her last big ‘crazy’ thing that is documented is a year ago) they don’t see any reason why they can’t co parent together. It’s unbelievable.

I experienced similar. Threats, abuse, allegations etc. It was as though I was the evil other woman when in fact they were going through divorce proceedings when I met DP.

However a strongly worded letter from my solicitor put an end to it.

Has he ever taken out a non molestation order.

They're very powerful, and if it's breached, the person will be automatically arrested.

She does sound unhinged. I feel sorry for her child, it must be a nightmare having a mum like that. People like that are so toxic to be around so just try to have as little to do with her as possible and tell your dh to be calm and Grey rock.

She certainly does sound mentally unwell and with such a long history of unhinged behaviour, it's highly unlikely that she will change anytime soon. Unfortunately, she is someone your DP chose to have a child with, thus tying himself to her until the child is at least 18. He is going to have to deal with all the drama and nightmares and so is their poor child. You have a choice whether to stay with him or not. I'm not sure I could live with it.

How old is their joint DC? Is there a chance that they could decide to live with you? Presumably all the drama is effecting them. I hope they aren't being twisted by the ex.

I think you need to find away of guttering her off from your lives. Contact only in writing via parenting app, non mol order, court ordered access. Otherwise block and ignore her as much as possible. It sounds like the police have her down a a nutter at least.

If there are things you need to report, it needs to happen. If she looks on paper as "done nothing crazy in the last year" or something like that, but it is actually the case just that nothing crazy has been reported, you have a problem. And if she is really that bad, the impact on your stepchild from their mum being reported to social services and your partner becoming the resident parent is probably less than staying in a very volatile environment.

Just basing this on what you've said at least

How old is the child that they share? My DH's ex was like this, even after DSD came to live with us the shit was ongoing for years. It only died down when DSD grew up TBH. I haven't seen the ex for years now, DSD doesn't speak to her mum anymore. If he's a good partner and dad it'll be worth the aggro in the longterm. If he's not then consider getting out, life is too short.

@PeriPeriMam The reason my DP tries not to report her or rock the apple cart, is because when he has taken action she will say things to their child like ‘Your dad abused me and now he’s trying to continue to abuse me, I might as well just kill my self’. This is obviously highly distressing for the child. The child is a teenager so there’s already some noise in court about how an order shouldn’t be made as they can decide for themselves apparently.

So because the ex is totally batty the OP and her partner have to let her get away with it, seems that some women never have to suffer the consequences of their behaviour.

If the child is already a teen then she’s been in your life an awfully long time already but when the child reaches adult age you will no longer need to have any contact with her at all.

In my experience this type of behaviour never stopped. It wasn’t constant, and depended upon what else was going on in her life.
It continued long after their DC became adults, and parents themselves. In fact it only stopped when the ex wife took her own life.

The reports span back 20 years so I can’t imagine this will ever change. @LumpyandBumps

She has no friends or family except her mum and current partner, they all cut her off years ago. Unfortunately DP and their child had to have contact.

We had all this

Dp left her for another woman,the ex caused so much trouble they broke up and he then met me

She would phone at all hours to scream abuse,tried to tell me he was still shagging her (the dates she gave me where when I was with dp),she got In touch with my friends (who ignored her) to stir the pot,she ganged up with my family (who are narcissistic and I'm nc with them) to cause crap for me,has called me a sex worker,made endless police/ss reports,got in touch with my work to say ive been prosecuted for child abuse (lie)and that i was involved in an armed robbery (!!)years before i started working there,lied endlessly to the kids and tried to turn them against him-it goes on and on

We went to court,she got the kids to say they wanted to stay with her and didn't want to see dp and the courts listened as they where old enough to make their own minds up

I've had almost 10 years of her crap-the professionals can see what's happening but can't do anything as the kids are almost adults now (and where useless when they where younger)

Oddly,she's very vocal online/the phone but the one time we saw her in the street,she ran away (and then blew up dps phone afterwards,to scream abuse at us for daring to walk down the street)

How have you coped?

Not suggesting they 'let her get away with it' just being realistic that she is likely to continue being difficult going forward and things are unlikely to change.

By having a sense of humour

She can't break us up (she's tried) but she's also a coward who runs away when she saw us

I once had her screaming at me down the phone at me so I came onto her

Cue a ton of screaming that 'your a dirty fucking lesbian!' (And got angry when I pointed out there's no such thing)

I'm childish (and I know I shouldn't have done it) but I started laughing which made her scream louder

Another time she was screaming that I'd posted a meme on sm (something to do with 'welcome to my page,obey or go away!'it was meant as a joke)

I left it there (I'm damned if I was changing it because of her) which wound her up even more

I find that laughing at her makes it better-plus I know dp has my back and she's just a lonely,bitter woman who stays in bed all day and has no life (because 'I'm disabled!don't you know I have a disability?'only thing wrong with her is a lack of a work ethic and a big gob)

She'll never have another boyfriend/husband,she doesn't go anywhere and soon she'll lose both her adult kids as they now know the truth and they will be off

I always said I'd play the long game

What did he see in her?

She got pregnant a month into the relationship and that was that.

What does the child think of their mum? Would they want to live with you permanently?

So she had no help getting pregnant, and he didn't want to wear a condom? It was all her fault, she got pregnant. There was no help in that?

She claimed she was on contraception and it was an ‘accident’. Which it may well have been, but with her history it would not surprise me. Yes we can debate my DPs idiocy of not wearing a condom.

My point was more that it was hardly a functional relationship, they didn’t know each other, in response to a poster asking what he saw in her.

They love their mum, but admit they are scared of her, she’s unpredictable, she’s an ‘idiot’ (teenager language). I think they feel a sense of responsibility towards her, to keep her calm and centred when she threatens to harm herself.

Part of the problem is her unpredictability. She can be lovely - perhaps manic - booking holidays, buying lavish gifts, showering them with love. Being a stereotypical good mum. Then the next minute, shouting, throwing things, saying awful things. She’s not consistent in how she treats them.