Should I tell his fiance he cheated

[Hopelessnaive]

I met a guy at work a little over 18 months ago. We became friends straight away, within 2 months it turned to more than friendship. We talked all day everyday, spent every minute we could with each other. I really fell for him. He always said he wasn't looking for anything serious at the moment and didn't want anyone at work to find out as it would make things awkward for both of us. I never pushed him, but I hoped that one day he would change his mind. I knew he was the one I wanted to be with.

Only it turns out I was a complete idiot. Not only does he have a long term girlfriend (around 10 year relationship) but they've also recently got engaged. No wonder he wasn't looking for anything serious.

I am absolutely devastated. Ive barely stopped crying since I found out. He's now ghosting me as he knows I know. Im not even worthy of an apology or an explanation. I obviously never meant anything to him.

He doesn't use any kind of social media, or I'm sure I'd have found out sooner. But I've found out who his fiance is through other colleagues, and after a little searching I've found her on Instagram, so I could send her a message. I just don't know what to do. Do I send her a message and tell her he's been cheating on her for over a year, or do I just let it go and say nothing and try to forget him?
Part of me is angry and wants to spoil his relationship to hurt him. Part of me thinks she deserves to know, especially before marrying him, and part of me thinks I'd just get turned into the bad guy and maybe she'd forgive him.

YABU- don't message her.
YANBU- message her and tell her everything

Op, you have to be selfish and put your own interests first rather than the fiancée
Your career and possibly your safety is at risk.
Honestly, I wouldn’t say a word .

I wish someone had told me so I could have decided whether to tie myself financially and legally to someone with the full facts.

Stop with the personal attacks. You know absolutely nothing about me.

I'm allowed an opinion that differs to yours. I never invited you to comment on my personal character based on one opinion in one post.

“Iceandfire92 · Today 10:27

I would personally start looking for alternative employment. Although none of this is your fault and you shouldn't have to move, you are now stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you stay in your job and stay quiet, having to work alongside him after what has happened between you will be unbearable. Being heartbroken and being forced to see him every day along with hearing news about his upcoming wedding sounds horrific.
Objectively telling the partner being cheated on is the right thing to do and in most circumstances I would be advising this. However; this could have disastrous implications on your career and working environment. It isn't worth sabotaging your peace at your place of work where you spend a great proportion of your time.
There is a high likelihood that he will retaliate and seek revenge from you telling his partner; he could also frame you as a psycho trying to sabotage his relationship to other colleagues. You don't want your colleagues viewing you as a Baby Reindeer type character or maliciously trying to destroy a happy couple. It isn't worth risking your well-being, peace and reputation in this circumstance for the sake of seeking justice for a woman you have never met. Put yourself first, there almost certainly will be other women and she will find out about his true nature eventually.”

This with bells on.

If you have evidence then tell her. She deserves to know, then she can decide what she does with that info

@Hopelessnaivei think you should tell her, but while I understand why you’d want to wait until you find another job, I think the sooner the better.

Do not fear the work back lash - he will go out of his way to hide this from work when she finds out as why would he tell work colleagues he’s a cheat and with a colleague he also lied to and was mentoring?! It will ruin HIS work reputation, not yours and it’s so immoral that you’ll find people turn against him, not you if it came public. If he can manipulate and lie to two women, he can hide the fact they both know from work, trust me!

You need to message her. Think about how upset you were then square it - they share a home, a dog and a decade together. They will probably soon book their wedding if they’ve been together 10 years, so you do need to move quickly. She won’t blame you if he’s been lying to you and you’re devastated. I’d reach out and say how sorry you are, but you recently found out that a guy you’ve been seeing for over a year is in fact with her and recently got engaged. Send (or offer to send) the evidence to her and just say you can’t believe he’s put you in this position. It only stopped when you found out from work colleagues and he found out you know and just stopped talking to you. He’s a coward. If she stays with him, it’s her own doing but you’ve done the right thing.

I’m so sorry you’ve been put in the horrible position 💗

I wouldn’t let the fact he has been there longer affect you telling people. He’s probably done the same thing a few times and abused his position.

Tell them at work. He’s the deceitful one who took advantage of you, why cover for him?
xx

Because, while in a perfect world OP would emerge unscathed, his fiancée would leave him and he would face the full professional repercussions of his actions, we nor OP live in a perfect world. He’s established, popular, and will likely have connections not just in this particular job, but across the career field as a whole. OP could very easily find that it’s her that’s blackballed, while he’s protected.

It’s not ‘covering for him’, it’s protecting her own ass.

How is that a risk to the OP? Why does it matter to her if she’s believed, or if he talks his way out of it or if he’s forgiven?” If the purpose of telling the fiance is to let her know and decide then job done. Or is the purpose solely revenge on him (and possibly the innocent fiancé too)?

God get a grip it just means if she doesn’t have evidence the girl might not believe her so telling her would be pointless as the point is to make her aware of what an asshole she’s engaged to.

This - the sexual harassment laws also cover abuse of power and he’s guilty of this. He shouldn’t be in a position to be a mentor to anyone at all. So long as you have proof, HR should be protecting the business which means disciplining him.

They need to protect others that were in your position.

@Shining526”get a grip” is a weird response. I have a grip. As evidenced by my post. If you don’t like people replying to your comments maybe a forum isn’t for you?

I don’t understand why people are bickering.

He is clearly manipulative and even if you send her the evidence, she believes you, she doesn’t blame you and she tries to leave him - he could weasel his way back in over a “stupid mistake due to wedding jitters” and she stays with him. If she does this won’t be the first or last time, but I would feel my conscious was clear by telling her and she can then make her own decisions. (Whether they’re sensible or not!)

Honestly, as a few of us have said, (and you’ll get this once you’re in your 30s+ and have worked in corporate dynamics for longer!) that you will not get back lash. Even if he’s liked, people will be shocked by this OR more stories will come out the woodwork about how he treats people but others haven’t said anything due to his weirdly positive reputation. I hate to say it, but you’ll probably find he’s targeted and failed at getting with one of his wards before you…in my experience in law firms and in business (I’m now in company 3 of in-house) there is always someone who tries this. There will be women at work who will rally for you 💗 If you worked with me, I’d want to corner him and tell him what a pig he is on both your behalf’s, then get him fired for misconduct and tell the entire sector at networking events that he preyed on someone at the office 🥰😂 (Do not underestimate corporate women - you are stronger than you think!!)

There will be women at work who will rally for you

No there won’t. Nobody’s going to risk their career for something like this.

I agree. When I split with my bf over cheating and we worked together, most people professed up and down how shocked they were, unforgivable, etc (he did quit upon request though) but then all proceeded to add him on social media once he’d left lol. He was very well liked.

I would imagine it’s even worse if it’s a person in a more significant position.

In my situation everyone who was in a couple sided eith the newly formed couple...it wouldn't then affect their social life. I was sidelined remarkably easily.

This is incredibly naive, to the point where I’m surprised, if not skeptical, that your experience is as you claim.

Am also in my 30s with corporate national and international experience in the legal field, and this is far from the case. The vast majority of people really won’t care beyond it being gossip, and they certainly won’t be sticking their necks out for OP. As far as he goes - It’s one thing if someone is unpopular and this would be a good opportunity to get rid of them, but this doesn’t appear to be the case here at all. She runs significant risk of being seen as the troublemaker, and this can end up with her ruining her career in the long term. She’s relatively new and unestablished, and this is the last thing she wants attached to her name and defining her reputation.

I wholeheartedly agree.

Cheating is devastating within the confines of a relationship. But it's a moral wrong, not a legal one. It's also in the realms (unfortunately) of "normal" behaviour - people do it on a wide scale.

Therefore, anyone outside the two (or 3 people) that are involved, sadly won't actually really care (not properly anyway) they'll make all the right noises to your face, but at the end of the day , they're not personally affected. So it'll be "Matthews been caught with his trousers down! Tee hee." Where businesses are concerned, they'll hang on to their most important people that are 'worth' more. Unfortunate fact of life. They'll see the one 'creating problems' to be the one to sack off.

As you say, it's a little naive to think there's an army of 'sisters ' who are so agog at someone's extra marital relations they're willing to risk their own necks. Family , maybe. Friends, perhaps. But not work colleagues.