Should I tell his fiance he cheated

[Hopelessnaive]

I met a guy at work a little over 18 months ago. We became friends straight away, within 2 months it turned to more than friendship. We talked all day everyday, spent every minute we could with each other. I really fell for him. He always said he wasn't looking for anything serious at the moment and didn't want anyone at work to find out as it would make things awkward for both of us. I never pushed him, but I hoped that one day he would change his mind. I knew he was the one I wanted to be with.

Only it turns out I was a complete idiot. Not only does he have a long term girlfriend (around 10 year relationship) but they've also recently got engaged. No wonder he wasn't looking for anything serious.

I am absolutely devastated. Ive barely stopped crying since I found out. He's now ghosting me as he knows I know. Im not even worthy of an apology or an explanation. I obviously never meant anything to him.

He doesn't use any kind of social media, or I'm sure I'd have found out sooner. But I've found out who his fiance is through other colleagues, and after a little searching I've found her on Instagram, so I could send her a message. I just don't know what to do. Do I send her a message and tell her he's been cheating on her for over a year, or do I just let it go and say nothing and try to forget him?
Part of me is angry and wants to spoil his relationship to hurt him. Part of me thinks she deserves to know, especially before marrying him, and part of me thinks I'd just get turned into the bad guy and maybe she'd forgive him.

YABU- don't message her.
YANBU- message her and tell her everything

I would tell her and give her the evidence. It’s up to her what she does with it. I was in her position - although I was already married to him - I always wished someone had told me what the cheating scumbag was up to. Then at least you have the facts.

I found out my fiancé had been cheating and cancelled the wedding. Please tell her.

Can you find a new job first? Morally I think you should tell her, but there’s a risk it could cause problems for you at work so I’d get out first if possible. Long term there will always be the risk it will cause problems at work.

Is email her in a nice way

Hi, I’m sorry to drop this in your lap, and I wanted to say I had absolutely no idea you existed, it has become quite shocking news to discover the man I have been dating is your long term partner. I would never have got involved had I known you existed. I have wasted 16 months of my life on someone who was never available in the first place: I don’t wish you any harm, however I do feel you need to know prior to marrying this man. Obviously what you do with this information is up to you - I am done, I will not waste a further second on him, bit wish you luck going forward.

If you have the evidence definitely tell her. I

Think only of yourself there. Schedule some interrupted time with yourself this weekend. Take out paper and pen.

First imagine you don't tell and you move on with your life. Write down every detail of how that would be, would you stay working where you are, living, things you might plan etc.

Then write out three different scenarios; one where you tell her and she believes you and one where she doesn't and one where she ignores you. Details these too.

Be honest and non judgemental. Then reread it all tomorrow and you'll know instinctively which route is for you.

If you do decide to tell her (I know I would but there is no right way, only what's right for you) then I'd send her an email from a new address or Facebook profile. I'd write

I'm so sorry to be bringing hurt and upset to your door. I deliberated for ages whether I should do this or not but finally decided in your shoes i would want to know.

Your fiance has been cheating on you with me. I had no idea that he was in a relationship.

I have proof of you want it. Reply and let me know. Otherwise you may prefer to ignore this entirely which is fine too. I am not looking for any trouble or judgment, I thought he was a single man.

Be very careful. A friend of mine told a woman that her husband had been sleeping with her. My friend was attacked and severely beaten up the woman!

My ex of 15 years cheated. Too long a story for all the details.
I told her he was seeing 3 of us simultaneously ( he was) they got married and still together. Don't expect them to split doesn't always happen. They're good liars and great at acting contrite.

Sorry, doesn't ring true for me.

You knew full well he wasn't single didn't you ? You fell for him- he dumped you after some months of fun.

It stings, it hurts and now you want 'revenge' by telling his fiancé out of spite. That's not on.

Forgive yourself. Think no more of him. Get a new job. And move on. Let this be a lesson. These types are very rarely 'falling In love ' they're looking for a new thrill for a short period. Don't be the victim of it.

Leave his fiancée alone. Keep her out of it. If he's done this to you, he has form for it. You won't come out of this well and you're not telling her for the right reasons. She'll find out for herself, she probably already knows.

Move on. Get a new job. No more unavailable men.

Inform her with as much evidence as you can to back it up but do it in a dispassionate and straightforward way rather than hot headedly.

He will make you out to be a liar and a bunny boiler so cool and to the point with everything to offset that is the way to go.

She will know when he was with her and when he wasn't and can link it all together if she wishes. Stay emotionless but she needs to know as you won't be the first and you won't be the last.

I have been in her position and I wish someone had told me. I might have been pissed off at them in the first instance but I would have come to appreciate it.

I’m normally in team tell her. As a wife I would absolutely want to know.

However the fact that you work together, he is senior to you at work etc I would advise the opposite.

Especially since you want to punish him, not because you think his fiancé deserves to know. (No judgement, I would want revenge too!)

There is a possible scenario where this blows up in your face. You could find yourself managed out of your job, unable to get a reference, he could get you blacklisted by other companies in the same field….. if he has lots of friends in the industry. At the same time his fiance could turn a blind eye and still marry him.

In your case it’s not worth the risk.

I know many people choose not to have social media simply because it's not for them, however, I also know than many people choose not to have it to hide, because they are cheats. Or he could have SM and have blocked you, again to hide his life. It's my bet that you're not the only woman he's cheated on his partner with.
His partner deserves to know and to have a choice on whether she stays with him or not. She could end up with an STI!!

omg so many willing to let a poor woman marry a cheating arsehole.

Absolutely yes, tell her. Even if it's out of "revenge". I would start looking for another job as well.

Yes. Tell her. People shouldn't get to treat others the way he's treated both of you and get away with it!

So he was your mentor when the affair started. Abuse of power. No wonder he didn't want anyone at work knowing.

If I were the fiance I would want to know. However, you need to provide her with concrete evidence of the affair. Back up any messages before he can delete his messages to you. Be prepared to lose your job over this if he is high up and influential. Although depending on the type of company it is you may be able to argue constructive dismissal and abuse of power and get some sort of pay off to go quietly.

Weigh up whether it's worth losing your job although I wouldn't be able to continue working there anymore.

Some men are pure sleaze bags and chances are, he tries it on with every new young member of staff so you won’t be his last work conquest. When you work for a large company, you see this all the time and the men always get away with it.

You definitely can’t stay working there though. He’s ruined any chances for you of promotion as he can’t risk you becoming senior to him at a later date. Start looking for a new job outside this company and then when you’ve left, you can decide whether to tell his fiancé or HR at your old company, or put it all behind you.

My advice would be not to do anything hastily. You're going through a lot of emotions right now and probably not thinking like normal. Leave it a few days, maybe even a few weeks. Then make a rational decision.
My other concern would be for your work. How will your working environment be impacted by the decision you make?
Good luck.

Is it possible to talk to someone at work who you trust? Someone who understands how HR roll in your organisation, what the culture is like.

I know this might impact any promotion going forward however I wouldn't be so sure that a big company like that will see him in a good light. Aside from that, it could spell trouble for them and they won't want that. I actually wouldn't worry about work so much but that's something only you can assess.

I personally would tell his girlfriend, with evidence if possible.

To those saying that she should say nothing. Why shouldn't she stand up for herself. He's behaved appallingly. Staying quite means he will do it again. F**k that, OP has every right to do what's right for her.

I’d also be tempted to mention this to HR - you went into a relationship with someone at work who you thought was single and it turns out he lied and isn’t and is now creating a difficult environment for you as it’s not a normal break up - he lied to you…. however he is senior and I’d want it on record in case he could be an arse to you. He’s likely to tell his buddies at work.. He’s proven himself to be a liar and a cheat and also cruel so these are not features of a decent manager. Then I’d message his fiancé anonymously to tell them factually that he’s been having an affair with someone at work. Protect yourself first. You had no idea he was lying to you and tbh you won’t be the first he’s done this to.. you’ve done nothing wrong apart from being naive. Yeah his fiancé will get hurt but that’s his doing. Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. Write it as if you are a colleague of his. Don’t put yourself in the firing line. Then if he accuses you, you can go to hr and tell them he’s harassing you. But they will have the background info in advance. You cannot get sacked or into trouble for this. He’s played a game of fuck around and find out.. literally!!!

She is a complete stranger to you. I would leave well alone. This man tricked you. Your beef is with him, not her. Also, are you sure that he wasn't on a break with her when he hooked up with you? If this is his MO then he will be found out soon. Concentrate on trying to repair the damage he's done to you. Try to take care of yourself.

I never went to his place. There were a couple of excuses early on about his house being a mess or having some work done, but also he has a dog and I don't like dogs, so it was better to just go to mine. I was never bothered really as I like my own place. The hotels weren't that often it was just when we'd been to a concert or a night out somewhere not local so it made sense to stay over.
Christmas/birthdays etc, the first Christmas Id only known him a month so wouldn't have expected to see him on the day. Same for his birthday which was a couple of weeks after Christmas. Christmas just gone he said he was spending the day at his parents and I spent the day with my family. His birthday this year he was working during the day and then went out with his friends. I had one birthday since I've known him and he said he had plans that day so couldn't see me. Valentine's day he said was a commercial money making holiday that he's never celebrated.
We didn't meet each others friends or family. I didn't think it strange as I never considered us to be in an official relationship. We were just seeing each other. He didn't want anything serious, which I put down to him not wanting to jeopardise his job or maybe fear of commitment.
I know I was more invested in things than he was. He'd tell me he really cared about me and that he'd never met anyone like me, but he never said he loved me or talked about the future.
Looking back now there were red flags and I should have realised something, but I didn't see it. Or maybe I just didn't want to see it.
I think if I do tell her, I will definitely wait until after I've lined up another job. Maybe by that time I'll be less angry and will decide to just let it go. I don't know

He was your mentor? That’s inappropriate that he took advantage and HR would definitely want to know. They wouldn’t be interested if it was a normal colleague relationship that ended normally but this is abuse of his seniority and the fact he was making you stay quiet whilst he lied is something that I wouldn’t want in my company.. your career isn’t at risk if you do this properly. Tell HR and say you want it on record but no action - it’s just in case you face any issues.. then sleazy Joe might think it was someone in HR!

@Hopelessnaive so you’ve never been to his place and you’re concerned she’ll just forgive him. And maybe you just didn’t want to see it. I have to agree with @SquashedMallow, to be honest.

I would still tell her though because she deserves to know, if she doesn’t already. It’s too serious. Whether they work on it or not it’s their issue to sort.

Yeah I agree, marriage is a big financial commitment. If she's got assets he may be marrying her for them, I've seen it happen within my partner's family. The cheating did stop once they were married, but I doubt she would have settled down with him if she knew he'd been shagging around.

Although if you know your ex is well off, and she isn't, maybe wait until they are married so she can take half his shit 😁