Good morning @Panickyperson1
Can I just start by gently reminding you that you are a woman, not a person with superpowers. You have a very heavy load to carry:Kids, undoubtedly much /a majority of the mental load, a full-on job, a household, food to organise and cook and clean up afterwards. Beds to make, washing to do, shopping to do, school stuff to organise, relationships and a sex life to maintain, and all the while your body is in constant flux with hormones. It's a lot.
We all look at 'everyone else' and see them coping with the same and can feel a failure when we don't match up to our own unrealistic expectations of doing it all with no impact or consequence.
It's easy to see why you are feeling overwhelmed - and panic is your body's way of signalling to you that something needs to change. Listen to it. Having been through similar (my kids are adult now) I can really relate and hopefully share some wisdom to help.
Think about acupuncture. I was a cynic but it really helped to slow me down and bring my stress reaction down a few notches. Panic reactions take a LOT of energy and are exhausting.
Make sure you are eating well. If that means temporary use of food /recipe delivery boxes for example, do that.
Make sure that you and DH sit down and really work out how the household is working. Make sure there is an equitable, workable split between you all - kids included.
Use the 54321 anti-panic technique. It's simple and brilliant and you can train your DH friends and kids in it.
When a panic attack sets in
- look for 5 things you can see around you, and name each in turn out loud
- then look for 4 things you can touch, and name each in turn,
- then look for 3 things you can hear, and name each
- then look for 2 things you can smell and name each
Then take 1 big slow breath in.
The process of doing this refocuses your mind on the here and now and calms everything down. It really works - even in acute attacks (I used to sit behind my DD holding her tight with my legs wrapped around her doing this when she had big anxiety meltdowns in her teens.)
The emergency stop technique is also useful if you are out and about on your own, she panic starts to rise , note the feeling, say to yourself 'mmm I can see that panic seems to be setting in '. Observe that as though you are standing outside of yourself. Take one big breath in. Hold. Let it out. Either out loud (if on your own or you done mi d looking a bit nuts 😂), say sharply 'STOP!' And put your hand out in front of yourself (like directing traffic). Breathe in and out again slowly 5 times. Then reassess how you are now feeling. If anxiety has subsided, note that and give yourself a pat on the back for taking control. If necessary, repeat.
Once you know these work it gives you confidence to go out because you know that you are able to fend off any and all pesky panics that may arise. You are back in control and that is very empowering.
Re the family dinner I'd be tempted to be really honest with my family ahead of time
"Family, just to let you know that I'm struggling at the moment, really exhausted and overwhelmed and feeling quite anxious even about lovely things like dad's bday dinner. So please bear with me if I'm a bit quiet or need to step out, it's nothing g you've done or said, just something I'm dealing with right now, I'm really looking forward to seeing. You all ".
Final thing is to let go of perfection. No one can do it all perfectly. Be good enough. It's all that's needed. Seriously it really is. Sod what anyone else thinks. It's the best gift you can give yourself
Good luck. X