To want £500 spending money from DH monthly?

DonutEnvy · 2025-03-27T14:08:33+00:00

We have 2 young kids (under 2.5 years old) and right now I am a SAHM. I didn’t really enjoy my healthcare job, but I am looking to go back part time soon as financially it will help us with extra treats and saving abit more. DH works hard full time and we have a joint acc for everything, but I am always budgeting and “penny counting” everything I spend (I’m type A personality he’s 100% type B). DH doesn’t want me to go back to work because he knows I didn’t enjoy it, and wants me to be with the kids but I said until I can have around £500/ month guilt free spending (to make plans/ treat myself and kids etc) I will work part time. He is slowly working his way up at work but isn’t at that position yet. Kids will be in nursery mainly funded 2 days a week. AIBU to still go back to work part time so I can have extra income and spending money?

greenlorryblue · 27/03/2025 14:09

YANBU of course. £500 isn’t a lot for the month if it includes things for the children too. Why is he in charge of the finances though? If you’re married and have DC together, all money should be shared.

NuffSaidSam · 27/03/2025 14:10

You don't want £500 from DH, you want to go to work and earn it, which is entirely reasonable.

Bogfrog · 27/03/2025 14:10

The way we do it is have separate accounts and we each have half the overall income in our private accounts. All kid/family costs are split equally. Then neither of us have to explain our spending, we can budget for our own treats etc.

CurlsLDN · 27/03/2025 14:11

Look at all the money coming in each month in each scenario

from those 2 totals take out the bills, food, petrol, childcare, any other required spending and saving

if there is enough left in either column for BOTH of you to have £500 leisure money EACH then your plan is workable

Sirzy · 27/03/2025 14:13

Do you have enough for £1000 a month guilt free spending? Because he should get the same surely?

but it sounds like you going back to work is the best option but can you look to change to a job you enjoy more?

Redpeach · 27/03/2025 14:15

You should both have equal access to all the money, you're looking after his kids

Scrapper142 · 27/03/2025 14:16

It should be £500 plus pension

Moonnstars · 27/03/2025 14:22

I have voted YABU. You want to go back to work to fund your own personal treat money rather than contribute to the household. Does your DH get £500 a month to himself? It sounds like you are quite selfish in wanting extra money for this reason yet currently expect DH to pay for everything.

Original poster

DonutEnvy · 27/03/2025 14:22

Hi all

Sorry we do have a joint account which pools everything in there, and I’m in charge of what goes out for the bills, but at the end of it if we want to save abit there isn’t enough disposable income for me to live as I want to ideally.
He doesn’t mind his spending budget as he’s not a big spender but if it was £500 for me of course I would budget the same out for him too.

He doesn’t want me going back to work or the kids in nursery 2 days- but he knows he can’t sustain the finances as they are right now

OP posts:

Milly16 · 27/03/2025 14:24

Go back to work. It will be better for everyone in the long term

Whycanineverthinkofone · 27/03/2025 14:26

Does that include contributions to a pension while you’re not working?

he can say he doesn’t want you working, but he needs to find a way to make sure he compensates you for lack of employers’ pension.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 27/03/2025 14:28

Very few of us have the disposable income to 'live the way we want to live'.
Find a job you like, contribute to a pension, fund the lifestyle you want.

Coconutter24 · 27/03/2025 14:28

Yes go back to work. You want to be able to buy treats so go earn some money. Whether you’re working or not you should still both have the same treat money. If you earn a part time wage and keep that for yourself then he needs to be able to have the same, if he can’t then you put some in the household pot to balance it out so it’s fair. Even if he’s not a big spender he should still have it he could always save it

EuclidianGeometryFan · 27/03/2025 14:36

The answer is to have personal current accounts each, as well as the joint account. All income goes into the joint, then monthly you transfer to each of your personal accounts an agreed amount of 'fun' money, so you both have the same for spending or personal saving as you choose.

Also have a joint savings account.

Trips out with the children should come from the joint account, as all costs relating to the children are joint costs.

Cucy · 27/03/2025 14:56

I don’t really understand your dilemma.

If you want to go back to work, then go back to work.

If you want to go back but only part time, then just go back part time.

If you want to go back to work but don’t like your job, then look for another one.

If you want to remain at SAHP, then remain a SAHP but know that it means having a tighter budget.

I’m not sure what advice you want tbh.

Cucy · 27/03/2025 14:57

EuclidianGeometryFan · 27/03/2025 14:36

The answer is to have personal current accounts each, as well as the joint account. All income goes into the joint, then monthly you transfer to each of your personal accounts an agreed amount of 'fun' money, so you both have the same for spending or personal saving as you choose.

Also have a joint savings account.

Trips out with the children should come from the joint account, as all costs relating to the children are joint costs.

They don’t have the spare money to put into their separate accounts.

Shitmonger · 27/03/2025 14:59

Your title doesn’t really match your post. It implies that you’re trying to convince him to give you £500 per month but it sounds like he doesn’t earn enough to have that, so you want to go back to work part time. I’m guessing that’s why people are voting that you’re unreasonable.

But no, of course you’re not unreasonable. Your husband can’t have it all ways. He doesn’t earn enough to have much disposable income for activities and outings, so he can’t insist that you stay home when you want to work to provide it. Get your part time job and put the kids in nursery for those days. If he gets a raise/promotion/new job and can suddenly afford more then you can always quit. Until then, he can get used to it!

EuclidianGeometryFan · 27/03/2025 15:16

Cucy · 27/03/2025 14:57

They don’t have the spare money to put into their separate accounts.

Show quote history

There should always be some fun money, even if the family is on Universal Credit, even if it is only £20 or £10 a month each.
It is the principle of the thing.
Everyone should have a tiny bit of guilt-free financial freedom and privacy, which you just don't get if there is only one joint account.

Rewis · 27/03/2025 15:17

Sounds like you're trying to prove your husband that he can't afford to have you be a sahp?

MidnightPatrol · 27/03/2025 15:24

How much is the £500 of your current income after tax?

I imagine after housing, bills… quite significant?

I think it makes sense to go back to work when you can access funded hours, even if just for that extra money for ‘treats’ and to keep your CV up to date.

And - you can always look for a new job, if you didn’t enjoy your old one.

Whycanineverthinkofone · 27/03/2025 15:37

I would also be asking why he doesn’t want you to go back to work. Yes you didn’t enjoy your last job, but there are other jobs…

it’s not because he likes having a support human to do his washing/cleaning/cooking/childcare is it?

does he pull his weight around the house? Or does it fall to you because you’re “at home all day”?

also start thinking long term about your earning potential. everybody likes to thing they won’t be in the 50% of couples that will split, but no harm in planning for the worst and hoping for the best. You need to be in a position where should you need to support yourself, you can.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 27/03/2025 15:47

I think all money should be pooled, bills, kids stuff, holidays etc go out and whatever is left gets split 50/50.

you also need to ensure that out of the joint pot comes a pension for you as well!

Cucy · 27/03/2025 15:48

EuclidianGeometryFan · 27/03/2025 15:16

There should always be some fun money, even if the family is on Universal Credit, even if it is only £20 or £10 a month each.
It is the principle of the thing.
Everyone should have a tiny bit of guilt-free financial freedom and privacy, which you just don't get if there is only one joint account.

Show quote history

But it sounds like they can’t spare £10 a month because their income has reduced.

A lot of households do not have fun money left after the bills.

If OP wants fun money then she has no choice but to return to work.

DaisyChain505 · 27/03/2025 15:50

DonutEnvy · 27/03/2025 14:22

Hi all

Sorry we do have a joint account which pools everything in there, and I’m in charge of what goes out for the bills, but at the end of it if we want to save abit there isn’t enough disposable income for me to live as I want to ideally.
He doesn’t mind his spending budget as he’s not a big spender but if it was £500 for me of course I would budget the same out for him too.

He doesn’t want me going back to work or the kids in nursery 2 days- but he knows he can’t sustain the finances as they are right now

The issue is that you’re saying there isn’t enough disposable income to live as you want ideally. When you decide to not have a job you don’t get to live as if you’re a household on two incomes. You have to lower your standards and live within your means.

I completely agree with separate pocket money being sent to each individuals account so there aren’t any questions about how much each person is spending on what etc but it needs to be an amount that works within your husbands salary budget and also leaves some left over for saving.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/03/2025 15:55

To me, it sounds like you're saying you'd like to be a SAHM but you've worked out that to be able to do so, you'll need (want?) around £500 to do things with the kids, for yourself, etc, which isn't possible on one income?

The issue I see with it, rather than saying you want £500 of DHs money (which, if he wants you to be at home isn't an unreasonable request, like a salary for the work you do as a SAHP), you are phrasing it as if you'd have that money from working. Which maybe you would, but won't there then be childcare costs to consider?

Plus no time to actually spend the money.

It's two different lifestyles, either one where you stay home or one where both parents work. That's what you're choosing between. Not whether you can have a certain amount of "fun" money.

And, I think most "average" families don't have £500 guilt free per person every month. So you're maybe looking for something that most don't get.