mother of my child & partner

[anonymous0001]

I dont know if im being unreasonable or if i have my expectations set to high, but i find myself getting very frustrated with my partner with the way she handles our son. The case of just letting him get her breasts out for a feed at his own choice, letting him sleep in our bed when he wakes in a night, and just letting him do things she should say no to, such as climbing over the sofa to get to the window sill. It is tough as he wont take a bottle so i cannot really help too much when he wakes on a night, however the case seems to be feeding him instantly then him coming into our bed, am i wrong in believing he should use his own bedroom and learn to sleep in there. i understand it is tough for women, however i am just looking for a little advice.I just feel like everything is done the easy way, making it harder long term.

If you can't do the feeding, you can't critique the way your partner does it.

Unless of course your son is 18?

How old is your child?

He has just turned one, hence me mentioning me potentially having high expectations, we are a young couple and this is out first child. I am more looking for some advice on how to maybe help my partner with it or even so if i am being a little irrational with it. It came to mind due to her wanting him to stay over night at her mums house, however i cannot see how it would work.

more than understandable

You can tell him no to climbing over the couch to the windowsill. And anything else you see dangerous - your the dad and allowed to discipline too
But it is unreasonable to police how she breastfeeds him

You need to communicate with your partner? She probably finds it easier to let him sleep with her in the bed if she's breastfeeding at night, it means she is able to get some sleep instead of being up and down in the night with him. You are both parents and should be able to discuss how you manage things like the baby climbing over the sofa to get to the windowsill - is he standing on the windowsill? Are you worried about him falling and hurting himself? Talk to your partner, not in a critical way but just 'I'm worried about this, do you think it's safe' etc

He is one. She is (I imagine) severely sleep deprived, essentially a milking cow at the moment. She will be on edge 24/7 as she is solely responsible for keeping a small human alive. The pressure and responsibility of that is insane, you can never switch off. To me she sounds exhaiusted and like she's doing what she can to get through each day/night.

In terms of sleepovers at her mums, if he's exclusively breastfed and needs feeding in the night, that is unrealistic. You would both need to make attempts to wean him to a bottle or cup if that's a goal.

Things like climbing over the sofa, you can set your own boundaries with. You can tell him (and indirectly her) that it is dangerous to climb there.

Have conversations with her to see where you can support her with the things that 'bother' you. She may feel the same but be overwhelmed with knowing how to deal with it.

When it comes to night feeds the easier the better. I found by co-sleeping and feeding in demand I got more rest. It was never an issue long term, they all weaned and they all went to their beds. They have happily had sleepovers, they knew when the boob was there or not and coped just fine without it if they were being looked after by someone else (I worked night shifts so wasn't there all the time).

You don’t want your son to feed when he’s hungry “at his own choice”??

Your partner is keeping your son alive, you sound jealous. He’s only one, maybe if he was 5 I’d agree with you. He’s still a baby.

This.

Your baby is 1. Your expectations are totally unreasonable. The fact that she's breastfeeding at a year is amazing. You should be so proud of her. Its bloody hard work. It's physically and emotionally draining. You really should be praising her and appreciating her rather than criticising. The feeding on demand and feeding in bed you are being unreasonable about.

However, i think you are right. You both need to follow through when you said to climbing on the sofa or window sill. That's dangerous. I think pick and your battles and focus on safety rather than other behaviour.

Having a 1 year old and breastfeeding is tough. How much support are you giving her? How much housework and parenting are you doing? FYI, the more parenting and household stuff you do the less tired your wife will be.

I feel really sorry for your partner.

She has clearly made a choice to feed her child in a way that:

1. Is in line with the most current research and NHS guidelines.
2. Means that the burden solely lies with her.
3. Is ultimately physically and emotionally exhausting.

Yet instead of being grateful for the fact that she is behaving in a loving and selfless way towards your child, you criticise and judge.

She is probably at the most vulnerable stage of life that she will ever be in so maybe she could do with a champion rather than a critic.

Since when was breastfeeding exhausting? Certainly wasn’t my experience and I’ve never ever heard it be described as such before? Far easier than prepping, cleaning & sterilising bottles.
If it’s exhausting then there’s probably a deficiency of some sort. Iron I expect.

My kids always came in my bed in the night. I put them to sleep in their own beds and they would migrate as soon as they woke up. I think we are evolutionarily programmed to not want to be on our own in the dark at 1, so your partner is doing the right thing if your child feels safe and you can all get some sleep. Your child will grow out of it in time.

You absolutely can be the person to tell a 1 year old not to climb on the sofa or windowsill!

But anyone can prep and clean bottles - breastfeeding all falls on one person which is exhausting if your baby wakes at night for feeds that nobody can help with.

It's also exhausting as they get older and are heavier and more inclined to wriggle around - one of mine needed to be vigorously contained and he was strong and heavy which was a different kind of exhausting.

I'm really surprised you've never heard of breastfeeding mothers being exhausted before - I think most parents that do night feeds/wakings are tired for the first few years aren't they?

This is a really tough time of parenting where your partner in particular is probably exhausted. I get that you want a bit of space but you need to trust her to make decisions in the best interest of your child. He's a very lucky baby to still be breastfeeding and when you are breastfeeding and doing all the night wake ups you get to say what sleeping arrangements works best for you. It won't last forever. Please tell her how proud you are of her for breastfeeding and doing so much for your child. It's a massive commitment and yes it is exhausting!! If you see him doing something you think he shouldn't for his own safety why would you wait for her to say something?

Oh boo hoo - is your partner not giving you enough attention? She is feeding your son and sleeping when she can. I exclusively breastfed until 18 months for all 3 as none took a bottle - even though I tried. I didn’t sleep in same room as my husband for a year with our second - he looked after the oldest one. Man up and support your wife - don’t criticise her. Feel free to stop the baby climbing over the sofa.

Is she wanting to cut down the night feeds? Ours were a bit older than your son, more like 18 months. When she feels ready then it is probably much easier for you to get him used to not feeding at night because whenever he smells her he thinks milk. We taught them to self soothe first www.snoozeshade.com/pages/elizabeth-pantly-gentle-removal?srsltid=AfmBOoqDNTOBhiXashYdsdwDnD8FnSsxOyBdFbFu1P0qnkCP1QzaYC3J and then dh took a week off work and settled them in the evening and then throughout the night whenever they woke up. He didn't get much sleep though. It will be tough for you, less so for your partner because she will get to sleep through the night. Talk to your partner and be prepared to step up when she is ready.

In terms of climbing is she around with him all day? She might just have a more accurate sense of his abilities. Although obviously you don't want him to be seriously hurt, children do need to have the freedom to explore and experiment a little and sometimes they will get a bump but that is how they learn to have confidence in their own abilities.

It kind of sounds a little like you’re jealous of the time and attention he has the monopoly on. I’m assuming she’s a first time mum too and learning as she goes as well. She’s likely settled into a routine/ rhythm that works for her and your son and to be honest, you probably don’t come onto the radar very much. This stage is just that, a stage. You’ll get your time together back eventually, but right now it sounds like mama just wants to be there for her baby whilst he’s so little and needs her so much.

If there are elements of parenting you feel strongly about, i.e. sleeping in own bed etc. then do some proper research into those areas and chat to her about what methods/ ideas you’ve discovered. Saying “I want him in his own room” is not helpful. It would be much more helpful to say “I’d like to start getting him used to sleeping his own bedroom as I feel it is developmentally appropriate at his age, I have read x/y/z books and articles on the matter, a/b/c research suggests the following benefits etc. etc. etc.”
That doesn’t mean she’ll agree with you, she may not be ready for change, mama’s find it very hard to let go of the mir babies as they grow, but at least if you’ve given it serious thought and show you’re trying to take some initiative, it won’t fall in deaf ears.

Why is it you think you're in control of her body?

Fgs. Gross.

One?

So it's his main source of nutrition.

You'd hate me as dc 6 does this.

Sounds like parenting isn't for you.

Your child is 6 and you allow them to "get your breasts out" whenever they please? Or have I read your comment wrong?

It sounds like your partner is feeding on demand, rather than giving into your child as your post suggests. Presumably, they've started on solids too? Your partner will continue to breast feed as long as she's able/wants to - and that's entirely up to her. She has nurtured your child and is simply being a mum.
I don't quite understand how a one year old is already clambering over furniture to get to windowsills etc., but if they are that's for you both to manage and ensure your child comes to no harm. As for co-sleeping, sometimes this is just what happens. My nearly 7 year old still gets in my bed at about 3 in the morning - and that's ok! If he needs his mum, he needs his mum. He's highly unlikely to be doing it at 18,

I don't know if this is a jealousy issue, but it sounds very similar to a friend of mine whose husband started sulking when their baby was 6 months as he felt her boobs should be his and not his child's etc. Utterly pathetic. I'm sorry if this isn't the case, but thought I'd mention it.

As parents, you have to do what's best for your child and your own well being. If that means breast feeding and co sleeping, so be it. If you both want to go away a night, your partner needs to either express and you get your child comfortable with taking a bottle or you wait a while. I waited with all of mine, but fully support others that don't - we all need time to just be ourselves and reconnect a bit.

Just turned one he should still be feeding on demand and will want to duffle in the night things will calm once he's over 18m

Don't let him climb in dangeours places