To think my mum is going to ridiculous lengths to avoid visiting family?

[YtterbicSkunk]

So, bit of background my mum has always been a bit flaky when it comes to family visits. She’ll come up with all sorts of excuses, but lately, it’s reached new levels.

My sibling and I (both adults) live a few hours away from her, and while we make the effort to visit her, getting her to come to us or even visit other family members is like pulling teeth. Classic examples:

•	We invited her for Christmas. She said she “wasn’t sure about the weather” (this was back in October). Ended up spending the day at home on her own.

• My DC had a big school event, invited her months in advance. She agreed, then suddenly had a “terrible cold” the night before. Miraculously fine the next day.

• My cousin (who she actually likes!) invited her to a family gathering. She initially said yes, but then claimed she “couldn’t find a dog sitter.” She has a neighbour who’s literally offered to look after the dog whenever.

It’s just so obvious that she can’t be arsed. I wouldn’t mind so much if she was just honest and said, “I don’t really fancy it,” but the constant flimsy excuses are driving me up the wall. Meanwhile, she gets huffy if we don’t go visit her.

AIBU to think she just doesn’t care enough to make the effort? Or is this a thing mums start doing at a certain age? Feeling a bit fed up tbh.

How old is she? Any health concerns? Does she drive?

She might have developed anxiety. It sounds like it.

Stop inviting her to events! 'DD has a big event at school to which you are invited. But we know you won't come, so we're not getting a ticket for you'.
'Me and sis are meeting for lunch in town, we know you won't come so we are booking the table for two'.

She’s mid-60s, no major health issues that I know of bit of arthritis but nothing that stops her doing stuff she wants to do. She still drives, although she’ll use “not feeling up to a long drive” as an excuse sometimes (but then will happily drive just as far for something else). It’s just so selective!

I have a similarly flakey MIL who magics up all kinds of ailments when it suits her. DH has learned over the years to take a step back.

She doesn't care enough. As you say, it's selective. She'll make the effort when she wants to so anxiety or other issues are highly unlikely to be the problem.
Tell her that you've observed that she continuous cancels last minute on family invitations having committed to go. That she is perfectly capable of getting out to do things that she wants to and makes her priority. That you are not going to have your children continuously disappointed by her and you are no longer going to invite her.

It's weirdly like having a flakey ex husband. Never tell the kids they are coming and there are no expectations dashed.

So she gets huffy. So what? After three weeks NC it's dawned on us this week [mothers day invite] that MIL is pissed with us about something and is giving us the cold shoulder. No idea why but amusingly its clearly been going on for weeks and we've been so busy we haven't noticed that neither of us have seen her as she pops by regularly but often while one of us is at work. [convenient driveway for local shops] . DH has just shrugged. He's utterly fed up of the passive aggressiveness. I'm wondering if she's possibly dead in her home but 99% sure given previous experience that it's far more likely we've displeased her in some way, so feck it.

I have a LOT of sympathy for you becuase my MIL is a lot like this. We no longer invite her to things related to DD because she has let DD down so often.

It drives me absolutely batty.

BUT.. even though it annoys me intensely, I have also come to realise that in MIL's case this is about anxiety. It's been there for years, but as she's got older, it's got worse and worse. She's uncomfortable in new situations and environments. She's getting more frail so she's contantly scared of falling/being uncomfortable. She has some minor toilet issues (not sure - she's, understandably, private about it) so I think that has been a big shift more recently in that going anywhere she doesn't know is very scary for her as she doesn't know if she'll need the bathroom.

Is it possible any of this is going on with your mum and she's not telling you about it?

Just stop inviting her so nobody is disappointed when she doesn’t turn up. I suspect she’d rather not be invited to stuff but can’t say no

It’s lovely for her to feel included even if she has issues that are limiting her participation.

I really appreciate this perspective, and honestly, you might be onto something. She’s never been the most confident person in new situations, and I do think she worries about being uncomfortable. She’s definitely become more of a homebody as she’s got older.

That being said, she still goes out for things she wants to do she’ll drive to see certain friends, go shopping, do stuff for herself. It’s just family stuff she seems to dodge, which is what gets to me. If she was struggling with anxiety or something, I feel like she’d be the type to just say outright, “I don’t feel comfortable doing that,” rather than coming up with these random excuses? But maybe I’m being unfair.

Don't take it so personally. She may have developed anxiety of driving, of finding a public toilet, of the expense of fuel, of catching Covid or just fear of large gatherings.
Perhaps treat her to a shared journey sometimes - you drive and make all arrangements if you want her to attend an important event.

Like some posters above, I suspect that anxiety is the problem.

Just because she can cope with some journeys but not others doesn't mean that she is pretending - the seemingly 'selective' nature of it can be lots of factors that might make a difference, such as time of day (busier v quieter times / daylight v dark), the weather, the type of roads and junctions involved etc.

This sort of anxiety can come on quickly or build up slowly over a long period, and makes you feel absolutely sick to the stomach, and it is also quite an embarrassing thing to openly admit to.

i hope that no one suggests that if that is the case she just needs to pull herself together and do it anyway, because that would be just as unhelpful /damaging as giving that advice to someone who is suicidal.

If it is anxiety - a gentle, carefully-broached chat about it with her might give you the answer to that - encourage her to seek help for it, as it could be impacting other aspects of her life too, but try to be understanding and don't expect a miracle cure regarding her willingness to drive.

I know what you mean, but, for example, MIL will go shopping... but she point blank refuses to go with anyone except very occassionally DH (who will 100% do whatever she likes, whenever she likes and gives her a lot of moral support). I couldn't work it out for a long time but I've realised that ironically, when she's alone or in what she perceives to be in control, shes fine. But she's terrified of a situation where she wants to do something or needs something and me or SIL or DD or whoever can't/won't give it to her immediately and she's not comfortable saying, for example, "I need to get up right now and go to the toilet". And to be fair to her, I think that's probably because my instinct would probalby be to say, "let me just get the bill" or whatever. And actally, she can't.

So she, ironically, is worse about family than strangers or even friends because she doesn't care so much if they think she's weird or whatever.

This is actually really interesting, and I hadn’t really thought about it like that. I do think my mum likes to feel in control of situations she’s always been quite particular about things being on her terms. I guess if she’s on her own or doing something she’s comfortable with, she doesn’t have to worry about anyone else’s expectations or waiting on other people.

I’d never want to make her feel pressured or dismiss her feelings, but it’s just hard when it feels like she can manage perfectly fine when she wants to. I suppose I need to work out if it is anxiety or if she’s just prioritising what she actually cares about because right now, it feels like family isn’t high on that list, which stings a bit.

As an additional side bar, I'm convinced that MIL has quite severe ADHD that she's always had to simply manage herself. And that as she's got older, those control and management techniques have become a bit more pronounced.

If you have the kind of relationship with your mother where you can properly talk to her, I'd sit her down and ask her. "does coming to family events make you uncomfortable for some reason? what can we do to make it easier?"

Sometimes though, people her age, would prefer doing other things with friends etc.

They just don't want to attend these family events. 🤷‍♀️

That’s actually really interesting ADHD isn’t something I’d ever considered, but now you mention it, she has always been quite easily overwhelmed by too many plans or changes to routine. She’s very set in her ways, and if something disrupts that, she just seems to shut down and avoid it altogether.

I think I could have that conversation with her, but I’m not sure I’d get a straight answer. She’s not the most self-reflective person and can get quite defensive if she thinks she’s being criticised. But maybe if I frame it as “I’ve noticed you find these things difficult how can we make it easier?” rather than “why do you never bother with family?” it might go better. Worth a try anyway!

How was she pre-Covid?

Completely changed my mum. She told me she didn’t need to see us any more, that we could stay in touch by phone or e-mail. Turned out to be the beginnings of dementia.

My stepdad is very keen on family but has to go to any events alone.

I wouldn't blame anyone for not liking long drives, especially given the unfit drivers and badly planned/badly timed roadworks there are.

However, it seems coming to you is the issue. Is it possible that there is something about where you live that upsets her, or brings some painful memory, that she has hidden?

Def sounds like an anxiety/MH thing to me.
From my family- undiagnosed ADD in the older generation feels very likely, and personally. It is easy to make plans as you think it'll be fine, then the closer it comes to actually leaving the less you want to go.
Also my mum, on top of the above issues, can't drive far without discomfort due to arthritis, and can't go far from a toilet so new places are very stressful. She would also not tell anyone this freely so easy to think she just cba, I realise now that the issues that are clear now that they have got worse have been behind a lot of her behaviour for years, I just didn't realise.

I think you're being unfair. Your whole psyche can change in your 60's. Yes, outwardly you probably don't look like an old lady and you're still pretty fit but believe me, things do change. I've developed minor ailments that affect decision making (such as how far will I be from a loo, can I really go that long without food, will I be too cold or hot, how comfortable are the chairs). Yes I know! I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be thinking like that. I've always loved driving and been a confident driver for decades but I now no longer drive at night if I can possibly avoid it and I prefer to stick to familiar roads. Confidence in general has also slipped and a greater sense of vulnerability crept in. I too will lie if needs be to get out of certain situations because it's usually easier than trying to explain the reality to someone younger.

You do change as you get older. I'm around your mum's age and whilst I'm out and about a lot there are times when I think oh I just want to be at home. Is there an option to go to her rather than she travel to you? That may be easier for her.

Pre-Covid she was definitely better still a bit flaky but not to this extent. She’d come to things, maybe not every time, but she wouldn’t flat-out avoid it like she does now. I do think lockdown made her even more of a homebody, and she’s never really snapped out of it.

Dementia is something that’s crossed my mind, but I don’t think it’s that she’s still sharp in conversation, no real memory issues that I’ve noticed. It’s more like she’s just… retreated into her own little world and can’t be bothered to step out of it unless it’s for something she really wants to do. That must be so tough with your mum though.

I expect, like most of us that age, we've spent our lives looking after other people and/or going out to work as well. We're basically knackered and with much less time ahead of us than behind us, we actually want to do what we want to do.

Mine is the same, not anxiety just can’t be arsed and is amazingly self centred. She will put herself out for things she wants to do, usually where other people will give her oh you are marvellous for your age feedback but nothing else.

So I asked for a voucher for my birthday a few years ago ( she asked me what I wanted). She’d have to have driven oh at least ten minutes to get it, no couldn’t be arsed , put money in a card. But then the week after drove 40 mins to get to an event at something she volunteers at where she gets smoke blown up her preverbial. Promised to come to a child’s show then didn’t, promised child a special Easter egg, then not only didn’t get the special egg just didn’t get any egg. These are all things she offers by the way unprompted. Then tells us about the party she’s organising for this thing she volunteers at and how everyone was so pleased.

I should be used to it but it still hurts.

This.

It's likely there is something going on that you don't know about, and I say this as a flaky person. I rarely accept invites and don't visit people often. I'm sure they are telling themselves that it's a personal failing and I just can't be bothered. The truth of the matter is that I've got severe endometriosis in my bowel, I have problems with toileting which are very unpredictable, I have to be careful with food, and because all of it is embarrassing, I generally don't talk about it.