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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Boyfriend’s female friend?

48 replies

EmmiSky · 26/03/2025 20:42

My boyfriend had two friends before we met who were both close to (in our 30s-40s). It’s not his female friend as such - it’s our friends as a couple. I used to get on with her really really well. However, over time, I’ve started to become insecure of the girl and we’ve become more distant somehow. My boyfriend however has got closer to them both whereas I now hardly see them/get invited round. When I do see them, it seems fine but it’s not the same as it was. I now feel like a jealous, controlling, immature person who feels pretty ugly. Please can you tell me if IABU?

The comments my boyfriend has made:

How long her eyelashes are - he said this to me randomly one day.

(This made me go and get my eyelashes dyed and curled, as mine aren’t long - insecurity kicked in.)

How cute her hairstyle looked one time when plaited - he mentioned it to me on the phone randomly.

How he likes long hair on girls - hers is longer than mine and I’ve tried to grow it more.

He said she is a pretty girl and was worried one of our single new friends was going to take advantage. She spent a late night at the other guy’s jamming music. I was there too but left early. Boyfriend seemed really concerned she was staying so late.

She turned up once at the house for dinner with her boyfriend - and my boyfriend seemed taken a back and said “wow you look rather trendy today!” But don’t compliment his male friend.

The same eve. When she mentioned she was bullied at school, he said “that’s because you were better looking than them”. Afterwards, he said he said it because she seemed sad and he wanted to cheer her up.

She goes to his a lot to use his WiFi as she and her partner live off grid. The builders asked who was my boyfriend’s girlfriend - me or her. He joked that his female friend was his “mistress”

He’d say her name randomly at night when we were lying in bed together, or when we were randomly out walking. She does have an unusual name but it just felt a bit random and why was she on his mind?

We made a meal together last night and he said “this could be vegan couldn’t it?”. She’s just turned vegan so he’s thinking about the meal for her too.

She wanted to pick up a surprise cat for her boyfriend and texted my boyfriend instead of me to take her (a 40 min trip). My boyfriend said he wanted to spend some alone time with me, as I was busy with my friend the next eve - so he said he’d take her the next eve instead. Makes sense, but then they were spending alone time together.

I used to be really close to her but we’ve drifted. She tends to message him more than me now. Earlier on in the friendship, she would turn up almost every weekend to hang out with us and it’d feel a bit of an awkward third wheel. She said she came to see me though so maybe I’ve misread it?

I raised my insecurities and my partner just got annoyed and defensive. He said it’s all in my head and she’s done nothing wrong. He said he just wants to be friends and I’m making something out of nothing. This has just made me feel worse. If it is all on me then I need to somehow work on my self-esteem.

AIBU? If so, what can I do to stop being so jealous and insecure about this? I really don’t like feeling this way. We’re going round next week for dinner now, and I expressed I felt a bit awkward still as we had an unfinished argument about it. But I want to try. Now I’m going but feeling super anxious as I feel like it’s all on me and it’s my fault. He said she has done nothing wrong and it’s all in my head to sort.

Thank you for any honest advice.

OP posts:
MissHollysDolly · 26/03/2025 21:04

Where’s her boyfriend in all of this? This doesn’t sound like it’s “all in your head”

2024onwardsandup · 26/03/2025 21:07

I strongly believe that men and women can have good platonic friendships…but yeah I’d be a bit eyebrow raising about this

whats the origin of their friendship? How old are you all?

maxandru · 26/03/2025 21:10

Sounds like he hasn’t done anything with her, but they both want it to happen. Sorry.

Have you discussed it with her boyfriend ? I think you should.

I had a situation like this with a (long term) boyfriend a few years ago. They’re married with a child now Confused

SmurfKingdom · 26/03/2025 21:11

Well he clearly fancies her.

Original poster
EmmiSky · 26/03/2025 21:14

I said this to him and he said he can think someone is attractive and not fancy them. He said “some people are more objectively attractive than other people”. He then said our male friend is also “objectively good looking”.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 26/03/2025 21:14

I don't think she has done anything wrong. I could be wrong here because it's just based on your post and there could be more or less to it but I think he could be playing mind games. It's very odd to me that he would call another woman's hair style cute and say this to you as well as saying she is pretty. Saying her name at night is very weird. It all just seems a lot and is clearly impacting your self-worth as you are trying to be more like her. Him getting defensive and saying it is your self-esteem sounds like he could potentially be gasslighting you. Any other signs of abuse? Subtle put downs, controlling behaviour?

ZenNudist · 26/03/2025 21:14

Ugh he fancies her. Sorry. Why are they not together? Is she stringing him along?

ImmortalSnowman · 26/03/2025 21:18

Either he's interested in/potentially cheating with her, she's aware you are jealous and it makes her uncomfortable because she isn't doing anything wrong or your unfounded insecurities are going to cause more conflict.

Whichever it is, doesn't sound like this relationship should continue. You shouldn't be trying to be this woman.

Catsbreakfast · 26/03/2025 21:20

EmmiSky · 26/03/2025 20:42

My boyfriend had two friends before we met who were both close to (in our 30s-40s). It’s not his female friend as such - it’s our friends as a couple. I used to get on with her really really well. However, over time, I’ve started to become insecure of the girl and we’ve become more distant somehow. My boyfriend however has got closer to them both whereas I now hardly see them/get invited round. When I do see them, it seems fine but it’s not the same as it was. I now feel like a jealous, controlling, immature person who feels pretty ugly. Please can you tell me if IABU?

The comments my boyfriend has made:

How long her eyelashes are - he said this to me randomly one day.

(This made me go and get my eyelashes dyed and curled, as mine aren’t long - insecurity kicked in.)

How cute her hairstyle looked one time when plaited - he mentioned it to me on the phone randomly.

How he likes long hair on girls - hers is longer than mine and I’ve tried to grow it more.

He said she is a pretty girl and was worried one of our single new friends was going to take advantage. She spent a late night at the other guy’s jamming music. I was there too but left early. Boyfriend seemed really concerned she was staying so late.

She turned up once at the house for dinner with her boyfriend - and my boyfriend seemed taken a back and said “wow you look rather trendy today!” But don’t compliment his male friend.

The same eve. When she mentioned she was bullied at school, he said “that’s because you were better looking than them”. Afterwards, he said he said it because she seemed sad and he wanted to cheer her up.

She goes to his a lot to use his WiFi as she and her partner live off grid. The builders asked who was my boyfriend’s girlfriend - me or her. He joked that his female friend was his “mistress”

He’d say her name randomly at night when we were lying in bed together, or when we were randomly out walking. She does have an unusual name but it just felt a bit random and why was she on his mind?

We made a meal together last night and he said “this could be vegan couldn’t it?”. She’s just turned vegan so he’s thinking about the meal for her too.

She wanted to pick up a surprise cat for her boyfriend and texted my boyfriend instead of me to take her (a 40 min trip). My boyfriend said he wanted to spend some alone time with me, as I was busy with my friend the next eve - so he said he’d take her the next eve instead. Makes sense, but then they were spending alone time together.

I used to be really close to her but we’ve drifted. She tends to message him more than me now. Earlier on in the friendship, she would turn up almost every weekend to hang out with us and it’d feel a bit of an awkward third wheel. She said she came to see me though so maybe I’ve misread it?

I raised my insecurities and my partner just got annoyed and defensive. He said it’s all in my head and she’s done nothing wrong. He said he just wants to be friends and I’m making something out of nothing. This has just made me feel worse. If it is all on me then I need to somehow work on my self-esteem.

AIBU? If so, what can I do to stop being so jealous and insecure about this? I really don’t like feeling this way. We’re going round next week for dinner now, and I expressed I felt a bit awkward still as we had an unfinished argument about it. But I want to try. Now I’m going but feeling super anxious as I feel like it’s all on me and it’s my fault. He said she has done nothing wrong and it’s all in my head to sort.

Thank you for any honest advice.

He likes her and is lying in waiting for her to ditch the bf and see the light. It’s not her, it’s him.

Itsoneofthose · 26/03/2025 21:22

I got half way through and thought ‘hell no, f*ck that’. That was my honest reaction. I’m sorry, I couldn’t stand for that. I’d rather just leave it.

Endofyear · 26/03/2025 21:32

Trust your gut instinct OP. It sounds like he fancies her.

nessiesnotreal · 26/03/2025 21:51

So they were friends before you met? You were once good friends with her but now not so much?

He has made the odd comments about her that you don't like and don't think are appropriate.

To me it sounds like you have low self esteem and are measuring yourself against this woman and she makes you feel insecure about yourself hence getting your lashes done because your BF mentioned she had long lashes.

Men and woman can be friends and nothing else although MN will tell you otherwise.

Someone absolutely CAN find someone attractive and not fancy them. I have male friends that I can recognise are good looking guys but I absolutely have no sexual attraction towards.

MN will obviously tell you he fancies her, is cheating, wants more, is gaslighting you etc etc

So you have one of two choices, trust that they are just friends and he does not fancy her like that and work on your own self esteem and let it go, or finish the relationship.

Original poster
EmmiSky · 26/03/2025 21:54

JLou08 · 26/03/2025 21:14

I don't think she has done anything wrong. I could be wrong here because it's just based on your post and there could be more or less to it but I think he could be playing mind games. It's very odd to me that he would call another woman's hair style cute and say this to you as well as saying she is pretty. Saying her name at night is very weird. It all just seems a lot and is clearly impacting your self-worth as you are trying to be more like her. Him getting defensive and saying it is your self-esteem sounds like he could potentially be gasslighting you. Any other signs of abuse? Subtle put downs, controlling behaviour?

Thanks for this insight. I think that’s what bothers me the most is that he’s saying it’s all in my head, rather than trying to help us work through it together as a couple. He doesn’t really compliment me or say I’m pretty but I’m naturally an insecure, apologetic person - I try to think I shouldn’t need validation or reassurance from someone else when it’s innate in me. He makes jokes about me looking “Asian” (I do have Asian looks so I’m used to being told that, so I can handle it) but he also points out the “African” gap in my teeth which is something I am conscious of. I felt insecure about it when he kept bringing it up so I paid £800 recently to get my teeth re-straightened with retainers. He then started joking about me looking goofy having the retainers in so I snapped one eve and said I have them because he keeps mentioning my gap. I think it’s just his humour and we’re ill-matched there. He then said that’s not on him and that he thinks it’s endearing to have a gap. I’m not sure if that adds anything? I just feel too serious and sensitive.

OP posts:
KhakiOrca · 26/03/2025 21:55

Another one here saying he fancies her. Not only that but from all the mentioning of her name ,how she looks, to meals, to picking up a cat?
I would assume they like alone time together. The pair of them sound like they're cheating. Especially since you say your friendship with her has drifted apart.

Sorry OP but, even the defensiveness and him saying it's in your head. That's classic cheat behaviour.

maxandru · 26/03/2025 21:56

EmmiSky · 26/03/2025 21:54

Thanks for this insight. I think that’s what bothers me the most is that he’s saying it’s all in my head, rather than trying to help us work through it together as a couple. He doesn’t really compliment me or say I’m pretty but I’m naturally an insecure, apologetic person - I try to think I shouldn’t need validation or reassurance from someone else when it’s innate in me. He makes jokes about me looking “Asian” (I do have Asian looks so I’m used to being told that, so I can handle it) but he also points out the “African” gap in my teeth which is something I am conscious of. I felt insecure about it when he kept bringing it up so I paid £800 recently to get my teeth re-straightened with retainers. He then started joking about me looking goofy having the retainers in so I snapped one eve and said I have them because he keeps mentioning my gap. I think it’s just his humour and we’re ill-matched there. He then said that’s not on him and that he thinks it’s endearing to have a gap. I’m not sure if that adds anything? I just feel too serious and sensitive.

Show quote history

So he’s gaslighting you AND he’s racist. Sounds like a keeper…

JHound · 26/03/2025 21:57

I firmly believe men and women can be friends and one of my closest friends on the planet is a man.

Everything you have described would be unacceptable to me and I completely get you feeling uncomfortable.

Original poster
EmmiSky · 26/03/2025 21:57

nessiesnotreal · 26/03/2025 21:51

So they were friends before you met? You were once good friends with her but now not so much?

He has made the odd comments about her that you don't like and don't think are appropriate.

To me it sounds like you have low self esteem and are measuring yourself against this woman and she makes you feel insecure about yourself hence getting your lashes done because your BF mentioned she had long lashes.

Men and woman can be friends and nothing else although MN will tell you otherwise.

Someone absolutely CAN find someone attractive and not fancy them. I have male friends that I can recognise are good looking guys but I absolutely have no sexual attraction towards.

MN will obviously tell you he fancies her, is cheating, wants more, is gaslighting you etc etc

So you have one of two choices, trust that they are just friends and he does not fancy her like that and work on your own self esteem and let it go, or finish the relationship.

Thank you for an alternative insight. I think this is what I’m trying my best to reason with. Was I right to raise that the comments felt inappropriate still? Or should I just try to bat them off in the future? I’ve never been one to compliment other people in front of a partner, especially on attributes they can’t change easily. But I’ve never been a confident person.

OP posts:
JHound · 26/03/2025 21:58

EmmiSky · 26/03/2025 21:54

Thanks for this insight. I think that’s what bothers me the most is that he’s saying it’s all in my head, rather than trying to help us work through it together as a couple. He doesn’t really compliment me or say I’m pretty but I’m naturally an insecure, apologetic person - I try to think I shouldn’t need validation or reassurance from someone else when it’s innate in me. He makes jokes about me looking “Asian” (I do have Asian looks so I’m used to being told that, so I can handle it) but he also points out the “African” gap in my teeth which is something I am conscious of. I felt insecure about it when he kept bringing it up so I paid £800 recently to get my teeth re-straightened with retainers. He then started joking about me looking goofy having the retainers in so I snapped one eve and said I have them because he keeps mentioning my gap. I think it’s just his humour and we’re ill-matched there. He then said that’s not on him and that he thinks it’s endearing to have a gap. I’m not sure if that adds anything? I just feel too serious and sensitive.

Show quote history

Oh he’s racist too?

That would be enough for me to bin him. Nevermind how he is about this female friend and the gaslighting.

JHound · 26/03/2025 22:00

I put YABU for wanting to work things through with this man.

BobbyBiscuits · 26/03/2025 22:01

Nobody makes those remarks about a woman unless they fancy them. He's not even trying to be subtle.
And as for someone who lives 'off grid' needing to use the WiFi on a daily basis? It's like someone claiming to be vegan because the only meat they eat is free?!

SmurfKingdom · 26/03/2025 22:03

nessiesnotreal · 26/03/2025 21:51

So they were friends before you met? You were once good friends with her but now not so much?

He has made the odd comments about her that you don't like and don't think are appropriate.

To me it sounds like you have low self esteem and are measuring yourself against this woman and she makes you feel insecure about yourself hence getting your lashes done because your BF mentioned she had long lashes.

Men and woman can be friends and nothing else although MN will tell you otherwise.

Someone absolutely CAN find someone attractive and not fancy them. I have male friends that I can recognise are good looking guys but I absolutely have no sexual attraction towards.

MN will obviously tell you he fancies her, is cheating, wants more, is gaslighting you etc etc

So you have one of two choices, trust that they are just friends and he does not fancy her like that and work on your own self esteem and let it go, or finish the relationship.

Of course men and women can just be friends, but when he starts dropping her into every conversation and talks about how nice her eyelashes are… that’s not normal. All the examples the op has given are not just a man talking about a friend.

nessiesnotreal · 26/03/2025 22:05

EmmiSky · 26/03/2025 21:57

Thank you for an alternative insight. I think this is what I’m trying my best to reason with. Was I right to raise that the comments felt inappropriate still? Or should I just try to bat them off in the future? I’ve never been one to compliment other people in front of a partner, especially on attributes they can’t change easily. But I’ve never been a confident person.

Show quote history

My DH and I will often compliment other people of the opposite sex in front of one another without either of us feeling insecure and threatened. But that is because we both know we can. My DH best friend is gorgeous looking and has aged very well (52) and I will mention that in front of my DH but my DH absolutely knows that I DO NOT fancy him like that. One of my best friends is lovely looking and my DH has often said that she is really attractive, likes her new hair, thinks she looks nice when we meet up, etc etc but I know for a fact he doesn't fancy her. I have male friends who I meet for lunch and DH has female colleagues he goes for a drink with after work. Not everyone is a cheat and a liar and 'wants something to happen'.

So it is possible. You just need to try and work out if your BF is being genuine in what he says and how he feels and without actually knowing him its impossible for anyone else to say that but you.

Panterusblackish · 26/03/2025 22:06

nessiesnotreal · 26/03/2025 21:51

So they were friends before you met? You were once good friends with her but now not so much?

He has made the odd comments about her that you don't like and don't think are appropriate.

To me it sounds like you have low self esteem and are measuring yourself against this woman and she makes you feel insecure about yourself hence getting your lashes done because your BF mentioned she had long lashes.

Men and woman can be friends and nothing else although MN will tell you otherwise.

Someone absolutely CAN find someone attractive and not fancy them. I have male friends that I can recognise are good looking guys but I absolutely have no sexual attraction towards.

MN will obviously tell you he fancies her, is cheating, wants more, is gaslighting you etc etc

So you have one of two choices, trust that they are just friends and he does not fancy her like that and work on your own self esteem and let it go, or finish the relationship.

Ffs mumsnet isn't a hive mind.

Yes of course men and women can be platonic friends

However in this instance he very clearly does fancy her, the saying her name randomly is a massive giveaway. She's at the front of his mind.

Also African gap. Wtaf?

DisappearingGirl · 26/03/2025 22:07

How long her eyelashes are - he said this to me randomly one day.

WTF

How cute her hairstyle looked one time when plaited - he mentioned it to me on the phone randomly.

WTF

He’d say her name randomly at night when we were lying in bed together, or when we were randomly out walking.

WTF

He makes jokes about me looking “Asian” ... he also points out the “African” gap in my teeth which is something I am conscious of.

WTF

I don't like any of the above OP. Also I don't think you should be going getting cosmetic treatments just because your boyfriend has said something twatty.

Original poster
EmmiSky · 26/03/2025 22:09

Thanks everyone. He’s stopped saying her name randomly since we had the argument about how I felt.

He said tonight that he won’t compliment her anymore as he knows I don’t like it/he’ll get a lot of hassle if he does. I just feel nervous for the meal next week and feeling hyper-vigilant about it all.

OP posts:
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