AIBU? Boyfriend’s female friend?

[EmmiSky]

My boyfriend had two friends before we met who were both close to (in our 30s-40s). It’s not his female friend as such - it’s our friends as a couple. I used to get on with her really really well. However, over time, I’ve started to become insecure of the girl and we’ve become more distant somehow. My boyfriend however has got closer to them both whereas I now hardly see them/get invited round. When I do see them, it seems fine but it’s not the same as it was. I now feel like a jealous, controlling, immature person who feels pretty ugly. Please can you tell me if IABU?

The comments my boyfriend has made:

How long her eyelashes are - he said this to me randomly one day.

(This made me go and get my eyelashes dyed and curled, as mine aren’t long - insecurity kicked in.)

How cute her hairstyle looked one time when plaited - he mentioned it to me on the phone randomly.

How he likes long hair on girls - hers is longer than mine and I’ve tried to grow it more.

He said she is a pretty girl and was worried one of our single new friends was going to take advantage. She spent a late night at the other guy’s jamming music. I was there too but left early. Boyfriend seemed really concerned she was staying so late.

She turned up once at the house for dinner with her boyfriend - and my boyfriend seemed taken a back and said “wow you look rather trendy today!” But don’t compliment his male friend.

The same eve. When she mentioned she was bullied at school, he said “that’s because you were better looking than them”. Afterwards, he said he said it because she seemed sad and he wanted to cheer her up.

She goes to his a lot to use his WiFi as she and her partner live off grid. The builders asked who was my boyfriend’s girlfriend - me or her. He joked that his female friend was his “mistress”

He’d say her name randomly at night when we were lying in bed together, or when we were randomly out walking. She does have an unusual name but it just felt a bit random and why was she on his mind?

We made a meal together last night and he said “this could be vegan couldn’t it?”. She’s just turned vegan so he’s thinking about the meal for her too.

She wanted to pick up a surprise cat for her boyfriend and texted my boyfriend instead of me to take her (a 40 min trip). My boyfriend said he wanted to spend some alone time with me, as I was busy with my friend the next eve - so he said he’d take her the next eve instead. Makes sense, but then they were spending alone time together.

I used to be really close to her but we’ve drifted. She tends to message him more than me now. Earlier on in the friendship, she would turn up almost every weekend to hang out with us and it’d feel a bit of an awkward third wheel. She said she came to see me though so maybe I’ve misread it?

I raised my insecurities and my partner just got annoyed and defensive. He said it’s all in my head and she’s done nothing wrong. He said he just wants to be friends and I’m making something out of nothing. This has just made me feel worse. If it is all on me then I need to somehow work on my self-esteem.

AIBU? If so, what can I do to stop being so jealous and insecure about this? I really don’t like feeling this way. We’re going round next week for dinner now, and I expressed I felt a bit awkward still as we had an unfinished argument about it. But I want to try. Now I’m going but feeling super anxious as I feel like it’s all on me and it’s my fault. He said she has done nothing wrong and it’s all in my head to sort.

Thank you for any honest advice.

Ditch him. You deserve a relationship where you are not make to feel insecure and you are the only one being called cute FfS what a dick he is.

Why on earth are you with someone who makes you feel this way?

Ew, he's racist about your looks. That, for me, would be the deal breaker. I don't date racists.

You had cosmetic dentistry because he made a racist remark about your teeth?

It almost sounds like he's using this woman to troll you. Randomly saying her name at night when in bed with you, come on now. That's really weird and problematic.

This is toxic.

I agree with both of @nessiesnotreal 's posts.

Of course people can notice that someone's hair / eyelashes / clothes look nice, without fancying them. Don't any of you ever compliment your friends ?

‘Hi Sophie. Thank you so much for inviting us for dinner on Wednesday. Unfortunately, I’m not going to make it. Without sounding harsh, John has been really hard work for me lately and frankly, I don’t feel he’s good enough for me. Without sounding patronising, I’ve grown out of him sadly. I’m planning on splitting from him this week but I’d recommend keeping the meal booked in for you both as I think he’ll really need a friend.’

Men and women can be friends but he sounds obsessed so it's more to it.

He either fancies her or he’s deliberately complimenting her in front of you whilst “negging” your looks to make you feel bad about yourself and crush your self-esteem so you feel “lucky” to be his girlfriend and don’t leave him. Gross behaviour either way.

please please don’t get cosmetic treatments to please a man, OP. You’re gorgeous just as you are and the right man will appreciate you and make you feel special. This guy isn’t the one. Just throw him back, honestly.

i know it feels scary when you’re the one in the relationship but I promise you from my older age, my increased confidence and experience and my distance from this situation; it’s clear as day to me that this guy isn’t good enough for you and that your confidence will soar once you move on and get over him.

Genuine best wishes to you, OP. You can do this.

Using 'insecurities' is a way of saying i have decided i am right and you have to do what I say, but taking that aside what are you actually going to do do you think he will stop seeing them and everything will be fine?

Your instinct may be telling you something is not right but you can't control another person so it would be easier to break up, I can't see any other way this will work

He’d say her name randomly at night when we were lying in bed together, or when we were randomly out walking. She does have an unusual name but it just felt a bit random and why was she on his mind?

For this alone I would dump him, it’s massively disrespectful.

He’s thinking about her all the time even when cooking simple meals, making comments about her appearance and even saying her name in his sleep. He also puts you down and seems to put a torch under your insecurities on purpose to fire them up. He sounds like an asshole OP and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who made me feel like this and then gaslit me into thinking I was crazy.

Oh come on, that’s bollocks. Have you even read the thread? He’s clearly infatuated with the “friend”. He even says her name randomly in bed ffs.

He completely fancies the arse off her and thinks about her all the time.

I would not date a man in love with someone else.

Even the builder is trying to get you to see this.

Life is too short to live in an insecure relationship. Of course there are some people who could ignore actual infidelity and still be happy and confident, but most want to feel special in a relationship (isn’t that the point?).

I would tell him that his infatuation with her (at least) has made the dynamic toxic, and he has to choose between this ‘friendship’ and your relationship.

And I am someone who thoroughly believes men and women can be great platonic friends. They aren’t, though.

Your boyfriend has a huge crush on her and she’s using his infatuation to take advantage of him and use his friendship for her own selfish purposes whilst just giving him enough attention to keep him sweet.

I doubt anything will actually happen between them but he’s emotionally involved with her even if she isn’t (it sounds very one sided).

In this situation you need to weigh up if you want to remain in this relationship because although it’s not actual physical cheater his mind/attention/feelings are centred on another woman.

Well if OP wants to embarrass herself and have them laughing at her, she could send this, I guess.

See I wouldn’t do the pick me dance. Even if he picked OP, she’d know it was only because the woman he really wanted, didn’t want him.

It's called triangulation. Your boyfriend is using his friend to make you insecure and is probably stringing her along too.

Just ditch him, OP. He's a dick, and you'll get a huge and lasting confidence boost from choosing yourself and putting yourself first.

DH had loads of female friends when we first started dating, and some very attractive and strong women. I was also quite insecure about myself.

Not once has he ever talked about any of his female friends like this, commented on their attractiveness etc.

I think there’s definitely something up here.

For me the most damning comment is the one about the meal being vegan. That really shows that whatever he’s doing, he’s thinking about her…literally when he’s doing an activity with his gf!

I would’ve called him out on it straight away. ‘Why are you thinking about Kate right now when we’re literally making a meal for the 2 of us?’ If it continues you definitely need to dump him

I think it’s a bit OTT to get your lashes done, change your hair etc because of his comments about her. I really recommend you get therapy to talk through your general insecurity.

It doesn’t mean he’s innocently bringing her up but if you were more resilient and less inwardly thinking, it would be easier to differentiate between truth and insecurity.

And, no. She’s doing nothing wrong.

Call this a generalisation if you will but I’ve never known any man ever comment on a woman’s eyelashes. My husband has never even commented on mine, never mind another woman’s or “friends”.

why oh why quote the op?

Why oh why be a twat?