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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GF wanted to meet my kids. I said 'no'

63 replies

myname1sbetter · 26/03/2025 12:50

Having difficulty processing if I am in the wrong here. 7 months into a very nice relationship, girlfriend turns nasty and breaks things off because I would not introduce her to my kids.

My ex-wife and I had agreed during our separation to not introduce new partners for 12 months. Despite this my girlfriend pushed for me to try and reverse this agreement. I spoke to my ex to try and see if I could introducer them sooner but she wanted to stick to our 12 month arrangement.

My GF did not take this well, turned very aggressive and made accusations that I was blindly following my ex and has swiftly broke things off. I'm sort of bewildered how quickly things unravelled. She has her own daughter from a previous relationship who I have met but the father is pretty hands off, so I don't think she appreciates the compromises that have to be made when co-parenting.

I know she loved the idea of a blended family and it was a big deal to her, but I don't understand why she was not willing to wait another 5 months. Could I have done anything differently, am I wrong to think she is being a bit unreasonable? I'm so sad, as I thought what we had was very nice, and we got on so well in almost all other areas.

OP posts:
Careertimenow · 26/03/2025 13:23

I know it hurts but honestly you're well rid of bad rubbish. I wonder how many men her child has met since she spilt with her father?

WeeOrcadian · 26/03/2025 13:23

I made it this far: "Having difficulty processing if I am in the wrong here. 7 months into a very nice relationship, girlfriend turns nasty and breaks things off because I would not introduce her to my kids."

You've dodged a walking red flag OP

MsNevermore · 26/03/2025 13:30

I’m with you and ExW.
Sounds like you’ve dodged a bullet.

DH and I had been dating 6 months. My ExH asked if he could meet him before the kids - which I thought was perfectly reasonable. He has every right to know who is around his DCs. He gave me the same courtesy before he introduced his gf to the DCs.
And when I say “introduced”, the first time my DCs met DH, it was maybe 15 mins. I’d made a cake for one of his colleagues’ birthday and he was coming to collect it. I introduced him to the DC’s as a friend of mine who I enjoy spending time with. And it was a slow burn from there. I followed the DC’s lead a lot at first. Then one weekend they were with me I’d planned a day at a petting farm and they asked if DH could come too. Introducing new partners is such a big deal for DC’s, it’s not something that should ever be rushed.

Chunkilumptious · 26/03/2025 13:30

You've done the right thing. We're you clear from the beginning and all along about your 12 month boundary though?

My only thing is if you've given the impression that you'll speak to your ex and are in favour of moving the date forward, it's not your rule it's your ex's... then you've got her hopes up around introducing her daughter.

Seems a bit of a people pleasing move potentially when you could have been clear and let her make a decision re her child accordingly.

Not saying it was ok to get aggressive but I can understand her feeling a bit messed about.

Be clear and firm next time. Also own the decision as joint, not just your ex's.

ThDanielDay · 26/03/2025 13:31

Bin the abusive cunt.

She's proven why the rule is a good idea.

Penguinmouse · 26/03/2025 13:34

You’ve not been unreasonable at all - so many people introduce partners to their children way too soon and it sounds like you’ve dodged a bullet by her reaction.

Hufdl · 26/03/2025 13:37

A complete blessing to you and your children that she showed you who she is.

BornInBradford · 26/03/2025 13:51

I’ll give the other perspective here that may help you understand, though I don’t know if there are parallels with my own experience. I tried dating a single dad, who had main custody of his one son. I never put any pressure on him to meet his son, but it was very difficult to date someone who was constantly changing plans and cancelling, and never around at weekends, because of his son. I very much took second place. While it’s essential that your kids come first, if she’s introduced her child to you her expectations of how to combine single parenting and dating are clearly different to yours. And depending on how you manage to juggle dating and childcare, she may be tired of having to flex to your availability rather than meet halfway. I’m only speculating of course, but I certainly found dating a single parent challenging as I’d never done it before and it was very difficult to get excited about being with someone who (very) often cancelled, and spent so much of his time talking about his son and his ex wife. You wouldn’t want to date me! But it’s made me very cautious about single parents, especially people not long separated, it is a lot to take on and it may be she has taken on more of your baggage than you have of hers.

krustykittens · 26/03/2025 13:54

If she is so keen on a blended family, then she needs to realise that parent's decisions need to be respected. You dodged a bullet, but next time stand firm on the boundaries that you and your ex have agreed for your children.

Bananalanacake · 26/03/2025 13:55

Why, what was her motive, did she want to move in too quickly to save money on housing, very bad for the DC involved.

BestDIL · 26/03/2025 14:00

You've dodged a bullet here. You are well rid!

Ellie1015 · 26/03/2025 14:10

I would be glad to see this side now rather than later.

Normal for her to be interested in meeting your kids. Not normal to split over you respecting previous agreement with coparent.

Huge red flag if she uses breaking up to control you.

kuromipal · 26/03/2025 14:14

Sounds like she is testing you to see if you are willing to break boundaries with your ex for her sake! Good on you for not doing so. This new GF is being V unreasonable and has no place in yours and your children's lives.

Soontobe60 · 26/03/2025 14:15

It’s up to you to decide when you want your DC to meet a future girlfriend. Presumably when you and your ex agreed to a 12 month timescale, you meant it? You should not have gone cap in hand to your ex to ask her permission to change this agreement, but if you felt you actually wanted to change it, you would be being considerate to inform your ex.
Make your own decisions and stand by them!

ThinWomansBrain · 26/03/2025 14:17

Got aggressive because she didn't get her own way, then threw a strop and ended the relationship?
Over something you want, and have previously agreed regarding your children?

Surely the point of waiting for a decent interval before introducing new partners is exactly to evaluate whether their are any aspects to their character that mean it's not likely to work long term, not to decide whether or not they're a good shag.

Sounds like a lucky escape.

sprigatito · 26/03/2025 14:18

You were unreasonable (and a bit cowardly) to say you’d ask your ex about varying the arrangement. It’s something perfectly sensible you’d agreed for the benefit of your child; you should have calmly stuck to it yourself, rather than making it a matter of “she won’t let me”.

PenneyFouryourthoughts · 26/03/2025 14:19

You shouldn't have met her child so early either.

But yes, I agree, bullet dodged.

Snorlaxo · 26/03/2025 14:20

The others are right that you and your kids had a lucky escape and it’s good that your kids never met her.

JHound · 26/03/2025 14:32

You are better off rid of her.

Spring025 · 26/03/2025 14:34

Your mistake was trying to renegotiate with your ex wife. You should have been clear that it was important to YOU to wait 12 months, not make it sound like it was something your wife had forced on you that you had to try to get out of.

JHound · 26/03/2025 14:36

And to be clear - people who become aggressive when you assert a boundary are always to be avoided.

BillyBoe46 · 26/03/2025 14:42

And that's why you wait 12 months to introduce your kids to a partner. She demonstrated the reason perfectly. And while her kid needs to recover from meeting/ building a relationship with and lossing another uncle your kids don't need to.

WoodyOwl · 26/03/2025 14:44

baileys6904 · 26/03/2025 12:53

I voted yanbu, however only in that she should not be pushing so hard, with such ultimatum, to meet your kids.

HOWEVER yabu going back to your wife asking to renegotiate the agreement and putting it on her. If your ex had been OK, would you then have introduced the girlfriend??

Agree with this. No need to make your ex into the bad guy, this will only make any future coparenting relationships/arrangement more difficult if you set the stage by making your ex take the blame for a decision you made together. Before your new gf meets your kids or ex, she will start off thinking how difficult the ex must be to work with and then play tit for tat if your ex ever asks for anything.

Just stand by the decision you jointly made - "sorry, this is something I feel strongly about, I hope you understand. No, it's not something I want to renegotiate with my ex because if roles were reversed I would hope she would wait before introducing the kids to her new partner too."

Endofyear · 26/03/2025 16:14

Think of it as a lucky escape! If this is the way she reacts when she doesn't get her own way, you're better off out of the relationship! Thank goodness you found out before things went further.

Inmydreams88 · 26/03/2025 16:21

It appears to me that she asked you if she could meet your kids, you said yeah okay let me check with ex, ex said no and you told her no. So I’m guessing the problem is she feels that you are under the thumb of the ex and isn’t going to put up with that. She’s set her boundaries and that’s that.

I think it’s probably for the best that this relationship needed. I wouldn’t be introducing my kids to someone after 7 months.

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