Best friend says IABU over comments her new BF made

[NavyDream]

This happened on Saturday but has carried into the week and I am now beginning to question whether I have over-reacted.

Background - best friend and I had a night out with our respective other half’s; my long term DP and her boyfriend of a few months - I had met him before, my DP hadn’t.

All going fine - DP has quite a long beard, and my friends BF was asking him about this. Long story short - he asked whether he ever considered getting rid of it - he said he likes it for now and also that I am quite fond of it. A perfectly reasonable answer.

My friends BF basically said - ‘it’s not her choice, if you want to trim it, then that’s up to you’. Followed by ‘it’s a slippery slope, that’s how it starts. They’ll tell you how to dress and look and next thing you know, she’ll be wearing a dildo in the bedroom’.

This insinuated I am controlling, which I’m absolutely not. It got no real reaction and the conversation moved on.

I text my friend on Sunday to say I felt it was unnecessarily rude and I was a bit put out, and she basically said it was banter between the lads and not meant to offend.

I didn’t reply, and she messaged me again yesterday to say I need to lighten up and what’s happened to my sense of humour.

I feel a bit silly reading it back, as doesn’t sound a massive deal written down, but I thought it was really rude for a first meeting.

He sounds like a right knob. Let’s hope your friend is someone with the odd opinion and has the sense to ditch him. I wouldn’t fall out with her over it though.

What did your bf think? What was said could change meaning depending on the person saying it and how it was said.

Yeah, what did your man say? It was on him to shut it down?

If you argue with your friend about it, but your man doesn't have an issue, I think you'll look silly and he'll make out that you're controlling

He’s a knob.

and I would be telling my ‘friend’ that she doesn’t own my feelings I do, and the comment was unnecessary and upsetting, and if she can’t see that that’s her problem

to those saying what did the partner think, what does that matter? He was giving digs to her not the partner

i also would not be meeting with him again I prefer to spend my time with decent people

Wasn't there a post a few weeks ago where a new boyfriend made a very similar comment to the poster's best friend and they had a massive falling out over it? I wonder if it's the same bloke...

They are quite ‘different’ in personality types but got on well enough on the night. He says he didn’t take any offence but then I felt it was aimed at me rather than him.

It was pretty offensive to both of you. He sounds like a knob but he's your friend's boyfriend not yours. I'd drop it now and just try to avoid seeing him. I'd say your friend is a little embarrassed and defensive. I wouldn't bring it up with her again.

I was just thinking there was a thread about a very similar comment recently.

If he just came out with that and '[you're] quite fond of it' didn't have a jokey subtext then I'd say he overstepped the mark and she is probably embarrassed.

I think you didn't overreact if that was the context but let it go. You were offended by what he said, that doesn't need your boyfriend's confirmation. Hopefully it won't last between them. Don't make a big deal and make her defend him.

YANBU. There was a similar thread recently about a man making that sort of gross comment, the woman on the receiving end left the event. I don’t think you are being silly at all. Sexualised “banter” isn’t for everyone and sometimes you need to “read the room” he’s only a boyfriend of a few months, it suggests that he’s used to more coarse company and lacks social graces maybe?

Would you reach the same way if this was gender reversed for example if your friend had said to you that it's not up to your boyfriend if you choose to cut your hair for example. In some ways I agree with him. Whilst it may be meant in a jokey way and I'm sure it was there is truth in it. Had it been you saying it to your friend about him telling her not to do something everyone would be freaking out saying the boyfriend is controlling. Not saying for a moment that you are but it's worth asking yourself how you would of reacted if it was role reversed.

Id leave it. Your man should be the one defending you, if he's not on your side, you'll look silly

Just say it was a bit offensive but understand it was just lads banter

He is denigrating you under the guise of banter and your friend would prefer to piss you off than challenge him.

I would not go out with them again.

But it’s not lad’s banter. Why should men be appeased like this? Gross.

I’d think he was a knob and would be a red flag for me - but you texting about it is actually worse I think!
I presume alcohol was involved?
Agree you need to lighten up and not care what random people say, don’t take offence so easily.
Also - what did you actually expect from texting? What outcome? Why text? You basically just caused a massive wedge now, and I doubt you 4 will ever be able to hang out again, ruining your friendship with her all the time she’s dating him anyway.

I don't think they should

But realistically I don't see what's gonna happen

Maybe the op could say that she didn't find it funny. I'd be pissed at my man as well as this 'lad'

There was

Your friend is the one who should be concerned here. It was a public statement about how he expects her to behave - and expects to be able to behave towards her.

Well done for taking note and speaking up. She can’t say nobody noticed or told her what he’s like.

Won’t be long before she’s upset at his behaviour on a stag do - but won’t be ‘allowed’ to ‘complain’.

So your mistake is in thinking this was about you. It’s about her. You could have used that insight to find common cause and express sympathy - as lightly and ‘jokingly’ as you like.

…and obviously twats like that are keen to separate their girlfriends from any friends who might see through him. So you’re doing his work for him unfortunately.

I’ve got a feeling here that this guy is obviously awful (no question about that, that’s a horrible disrespectful thing to say friend is on another planet) but shouldn’t your partner have said hang on a minute that’s totally inappropriate. Decent people shouldn’t allow abuse and degrading comments towards their partners.

I've noticed this with some guys in recent years, that even though they haven't experienced it, they have some kind of preconception that as soon as they're in a committed relationship they're going to be controlled. I work with loads of men in their early 20's-30's and often get surprised with even the single ones making comments about women controlling them.

i.e.
"I got a new 56" inch TV, thought I better get a decent one before I get a missus and she tells me I can't"

"don't keep texting her back too quick (commenting on another guys new relationship), cos she'll get all clingy and you'll end up under the thumb".

"get all the gaming in hours that you can now mate and enjoy it cos once you meet someone that'll be over".

It's weird to me they're almost expecting a bad relationship or have the expectation that all women tell you what to do / what to own.

Sorry I went off on one there a bit. Your mates new BF sounds like a knob. If I was your mate and you messaged me after that exchange I'd likely agree with you that he was rude ad he was a bit of a knob.

You are not the unreasonable one here. The BF sounds misogynist. I wouldn't want to be hanging out with him. It's quite an extreme thing for him to be "bantering" given he doesn't know your DP. Has your friend indicated that she finds this sort of thing acceptable? It's not only the concept , it's the expression of it. Grim. It sounds like he's pushing boundaries to see how far he can go.

Oh God I had something similar with my best friend and her boyfriend I had never met. As we live far apart and covid got in the wag too.They came over for food and were discussing baby names - my friend was pregnant and her bf turned to my partner and said 'if you've got a name in mind, lock it in now with the missus, we know what they can be like?' Like excuse me!

He also proceeded to drink alcohol from our cupboard, talk over me all night and tell really inappropriate stories. Unfortunately they're still together and she just says 'oh that's just him'

Tell her her boyfriend is a pathetically coarse specimen, that you think the worse of her for her poor judgement, and that you’ll be there to support her once she realises.