Partner refuses to sign daughter’s certificate *Content warning: baby loss- added by MNHQ*

[EmilieB91]

The long and short is I wanted to acknowledge our daughter’s existence and record this with a baby death certificate. I didn’t think it a big deal. My now ex partner refuses to put his name on there. This was the final straw for me in a long list of things. I heard every excuse from she’ll live in my heart, we agreed to scatter her ashes somewhere in nature, they didn’t have birth certificates a 1000 years ago and I don’t believe in them….I am sure he didn’t quibble re his other child 🤷‍♀️ Then I was told I didn’t give birth. She just passed through me. He’s blocked. I did it mid phone call. I’m so angry at what a disgusting human being he is. Clearly, he is ashamed and wants to hide the facts. It left me reeling. I suppose it is the price I pay for not walking much sooner.
It is easy. I haven’t seen him for a while as we live some distance away- thank goodness, and I’ve blocked his sorry ass. The time apart helped me heal and realise no contact is always the best option.

Does he have to sign it? When You say he did it for his other child did he have two children who passed away?

I’m so sorry, what an awful thing to go through.

He may not want to register her birth and feel differently to you, not need it or see it as important/processing grief etc. All very valid but no reason to be nasty. He could have discussed it like an adult.

You don’t need his name do you? He sounds horrible in other ways, but I don’t think he’s being horrible in not wanting to put his name on a certificate. Having a stillborn must have been awful, I can’t even comprehend. I have had multiple miscarriages, but I personally wouldn’t want a certificate for them if that was available (mine were all 10-14weeks so I didn’t give birth or see much of anything). Saying you didn’t give birth when you had a stillborn is a horrible thing to say, I’m glad you’ve blocked him.

No, not at all. She can have her father as not recorded.

His other child - he is on the birth certificate without issue.

It’s his decision and sure we grieve in our own ways. It’s just the final crappy thing he’s done to show how little he cares and knows it’ll hurt me- already was dealing with PND

He’s allowed to feel differently to you about his experience of child loss, even if he is an arse.

Cab you get the certificate without his name on it, or is that not the point for you?

I’m sorry for your loss.

Has a certificate been issued and signed by a registrar? If so, do you really need his signature?

Apologies, I don't know what you mean by “I didn’t give birth. She just passed through me”. Is he suggesting that your baby was “merely” a miscarriage, and therefore this wasn’t the passing of a living being? That a certificate wouldn’t be necessary?

I’m not entirely sure what you’re seeking from him, and whether it’s necessary. It’s clear you’re dealing with a great deal of grief. It sounds like you feel you need something from him to help you deal with this grief. Given that’s not forthcoming, I would suggest blocking him and moving on to deal with this privately would be your best option at this point.

Again, I’m sorry for your experience.

@SometimesCalmPerson it is more about why would you not wish to. Leave her fatherless? Is it just our child or because she didn’t live? Seems selfish to me. In isolation with expressed reasons and a conversation, I could get to it. There’s a whole history of unpleasant behaviour and indifference. Icing on the cake stuff.

I'm not sure I fully understand. Was this a premature stillbirth as as such a birth certificate wouldn't routinely be issued? Therefore she also wouldn't normally have a death certificate?

It must be impossibly hard for you but also, he can't be forced to deal with it the way you want to. Perhaps he prefers to cope by thinking of baby as something that never was?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, OP I hope you don't mind but we've just added a content warning to the thread title, as if you're not expecting it, it can be difficult for some people to read threads about child loss.

@ClaraMumsnet yes- I am so sorry. Please accept my apologies. I really would not want to upset anyone.

❤️

I'm also a newly bereaved mum, op, my twins died 16 months ago, one born sleeping and his brother at 5 days old in the NICU. I hope you don't let him destroy your healing process already. Its a very hard road to be on and one that many dint comprehend unless going through it. Just wanted to support and offer my condolences. Also he may just need time, the grief process is so different for everyone

I think this is the certificate OP is talking about? It's for pregnancies lost before 24 weeks and is a relatively new scheme.

https://www.gov.uk/request-baby-loss-certificate

He's allowed to feel differently to you, we all process loss in our own way and we all have different ways of wanting to commemorate (or to not commemorate at all) and that's fine.

What's not fine is that he was a dick about it. Is this the first time you've spoken about it with him or the first contact you've had in a while? I can sort of see why he'd be so perturbed if you've gotten in touch out of the blue to ask for his details for the certificate (again, no excuse for him to be nasty though).

You don't need his name on there or his validation, just put your own.

This is such a difficult thing. If this was indeed a stillborn baby, and he has older living children, in a contrary-feeling way he may think that acknowledging the death of this baby is a betrayal or invalidation of his living children. He may also not want to acknowledge th death of this baby, because it’ll force him to look at his other children differently, in a way no parent ever wants to think about their children.

Do you think there might be some element of this?

@Ella31 So sorry for you loss of your babies :( It means a lot that you reached out to me. Thanks.
I feel so alone in it all. He got to slot back into his life without issue. I was left to deal with it all. I gave birth alone, dealt with her remains…the lot. He wasn’t especially nice to me during the pregnancy. I just naïvely assumed that we are from similar backgrounds and hold similar views…he’d not deny her existence or leave a blank for father which isn’t great. I know and get we deal with things differently. I think this has shown me what I refused to see for so long. He treated me like dirt and abandoned me and then said some heartless words. I have PND too,
so I expect I’m not in my usual headspace. There’s said, I am healing and feeling better each day. More so now I’ve not seen him for a while. Forward is forward.
This stung me. It hit hard. I’m stronger than I was and I’ll be ok. x

So sorry about your loss. Was it very early in the pregnancy that he didn’t view the pregnancy as a baby do you think?

@Onlyonekenobe
no idea tbh. Never thought about it like that.
I can’t trust him and that line of thinking seems over complicated

Of course you feel unbelievably hurt and don't forget your grief. Its such a weight. All I will say to you is don't let his behaviour shadow your recovery because it's a life long recovery losing a child. And if he had shown you this disregard, he is unlikely to change now. You love your late daughter and always will. That's all that matters. Being their mum is so important. I go to my boys grave and lot and I remember their little faces the day they were born, holding them. And my second little ones last moments with me. Treasure that connection and put him out of your mind. He's not worth it.

I am so sorry for your loss and I don’t want to be dismissive but we all grieve differently. I’ve had 6 pregnancies end with loss. 7 babies altogether. And I honestly cannot think of anything worse than having a birth certificate for a child that died before they were born. It’s not saying you are wrong. At all. It’s just not something I could do. Grief hits us all differently and ultimately as he’s your ex this isn’t something you can do together. This is for you. Not him.

@Ella31 I have my big sister who is brilliant and also parents nearby. Gonna be ok eventually

Perhaps he doesn’t feel the same was as you do - how many weeks were you when the miscarriage happened? Do you actually legally need his name on the certificate?

I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️

Thanks for all comments and advice. Means a lot. Think I need to try & process

I don’t think he’s ashamed.

His baby died and he doesn’t want to sign a certificate.
Your baby died and you do want to sign a certificate.
Neither of you are wrong.

Aside from this he sounds like an arse and you’re better off just cutting him out of your life completely.

I’m sorry for your loss 💐

I have one of these certificates (assuming you mean the baby loss ones). I think a lot of people do not understand the reality of second trimester loss. I gave birth to my baby; we held her, had hand and footprints etc; we had her in the cold cot for a while. Then you have to leave the hospital without your baby and make decisions about funerals etc. Because even though your baby isn’t officially a person you still have to complete lots of paperwork.

So yes, I wanted the certificate. And I would have been upset if my partner hadn’t wanted to be listed as the father on it too (and it is not an arduous process). I am very sorry for your loss OP. Fwiw I would go ahead and do it without him included. He is clearly dealing with it differently and perhaps it is better to look elsewhere for help with your grief.