Mother’s Day & gifts…

[PalmTreeAngel]

I have quite a good relationship with my mum and fairly close. I have invited her over on Mother’s Day for a Sunday roast and got her some gifts and a card.

Meanwhile, I just know that my now husband won’t bother with buying his mum anything, and I have suggested on multiple occasions he get her a card but I can tell, he’ll forget.

I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to encourage him anymore, and I feel bad on behalf of my now MIL… AIBU?

We got married 2 weeks ago - how does everyone else handle this?

ive been with my husband for over 20 years, he’s never got his mother a card or present for Mother’s Day. I get presents for my mum & step mum and we usually go out for a meal. He knows when Mother’s Day is so I think it’s his problem if he doesn’t get anything for her 🤷‍♀️

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

His relationship with his mum is his business, and if she has any issues she can discuss it with him. He remains a competent adult after marriage despite what others may have you believe.

Don't set precedents for this stuff.

He is a grown adult, who is perfectly capable of looking at a calendar or reading one of the many reminders that are everywhere and doing something for his mum.

If he chooses not to, that's his lookout.

That's also why I'm reminding my sons (who are children, to be clear) that they need to think about doing something for mothers day, because my ex was the thoughtless type who forgot my birthday as often as he remembered, and I'm damned if I'm going to raise sons as inconsiderate as him.

Not your pig, not your pig farm.

Your MIL is not your mother.

Do not set a precedent for this so early in your marriage.

Thanks, I appreciate this advice to be fair!

As it is your first mother's day as her daughter in law, maybe you could get a card that says "mother in law" on it and suggest that you put both cards in the same envelope. If he can't get his mum a card on mother's day, that is really sad. Is he aware that your mum is coming over? Does he want his mum there too?

I bought all the cards and presents for DHs parents and for our children. He used to manage to buy me presents for Valentines Day, Anniversary and birthday but based on my experience so far this year he’s given up. I had a present for him on Vs Day but didn’t give it to him.

It’s up to him, not you. I’ve never been involved in anything my husband does for his family.

It's fine for you to remind him but definitely don't buy anything on his behalf. He's a grown adult. Presumably his mum hasn't received a card or present from him for the last however many years before you were married so she'll be used to it.

See this is interesting… as I have seen MiL card in the shops… I don’t want to be made to feel that just because it’s my first year of being married that I’m expected to do this… then I wonder will that set the precedent as it’ll be weird if she never gets anything from me again in the future lol?

What had he done previous years before you were married?

Now that she is your MIL I would be inclined to buy one and put it under his nose, and say "sign this because I'm going past the post box in a minute". I know you shouldn't have to, but you obviously feel bad about her not getting a card. Unless he has his own reasons for not wanting her to have one from him? But you say he forgets... Remind him as he's going to the supermarket? Put it on the list? No, you shouldn't have to. But a happy MIL is worth it!

Don't do this, it's madness. Cards for MIL on Mothering Sunday are bonkers. And his card or not for his mum is none of your business. Same as DH has already organised a lunch with his mum and I still have a couple of days to remember to buy a card for mine. If I am useless enough to forget and get one in the post by Thursday that's on me and not him.

I always buy MIL a little something but it's from the kids, not from DP (who hasn't got her anything in the 18 years we've been together!). He does however take the kids out and let them pick me a gift.

Edited to add my mum is sadly no longer here but i'd always buy her a few bits and pieces.

If your MIL is nice when you are standing in the shop buying your own mother a card just pick one up for her. That’s what I do. My husband does things for me I do things for him. Please don’t let the poor woman not get a card on Mother’s Day. I have just got my husband to write it and as I am going to post office anyway I will post it. I wouldn’t be like she ain’t my mother I am not posting that.

Don't buy a MIL card - you will set expectations! Your husband will never take responsibility for buying his mother cards or gifts on any occasion and it will be left to you. The rule in this house was always that I was responsible for organising my parents and he is for his. Works perfectly.

While i understand that its not your mother so not really your responsibility to get a card i do think its a touch petty and spiteful to deliberately not bother to make a point! If she is a good mil to you then just get one while impressing upon her son that he should be doing it and should have more respect for his own mother.

Why doesn't he bother? Do they have a bad relationship? Otherwise it's a bit pathetic.

I think a grown man should be able to buy a card and I'd tell him this. Remember he might be treating you like this in years to come. Will he be remembering to buy you a card and present when/if you have young children?

Are you sure they celebrate Mother's Day, OP?

I hate it, my mother did too, never, ever celebrated it with my children, ( but graciously accepted cards they'd made at school). They are 22, 25 and 28 now, and all I see is angst and upset, guilt and a feeling of duty when I read some of these threads.
We are all of us happy to not have any part in it. There is a feeling of great freedom that I have and I know they do.

I know I'm lucky though, as they all show love to me in little ways, the year round, as I do to them.

Your H and his mum may not see it as a "thing"?

I think you may have hit the nail on the head here. She doesn’t really celebrate it and neither does he. Whereas in my family, it’s v different and we are quite traditional, always either go out or stay in for a nice lunch, gifts, flowers, cards kinda thing. That’s just how I’ve been socialised to it.

In previous years before we got married, I simply reminded or encouraged him. In recent years, I have tended to order bits online especially cards as I like personalised ones from Etsy. I don’t post as I always see my mum on Mother’s Day.

it’s just not as big a deal to them… His mum is a bit strange in that she’s not very maternal or lovey dovey, she’s quite cold. I do think it’s affected their relationship but I’m stuck between not wanting to pry too much but also be a nice person! X

By the way, he’s completely different with me. He always gets me lovely cards and presents for birthdays and Christmas and goes to so much effort 🤍

Maybe because I do actually appreciate them, and it’s his way of showing love and appreciation towards me. I have always felt for him with his mum because she’s just not bothered by all of the above - it’s a real shame I’ve thought.

Ah, maybe that it, then. He may think it's a bit odd to start now?
But sad that it's come from a place of not being v close, rather than sanguinity but still within the realms of love.

Don't do this.

You are newly married, DO NOT start doing "wife work" at this stage.
Your dh needs to decide on his own relationship with his mother.

(Not sure which way to vote)
YANBU to insist he sorts his own family's cards / presents out
YABU to feel guilty if he doesn't.

Thanks @CarpetKnees and all else that are offering these pearls of wisdom. I agree, I’m not gonna be responsible for it. Happy to remind, and encourage but it’s not my place!

I am not going to feel guilty x

Don't start what you don't mean to carry on. I used to arrange card, gifts and flowers etc even before we were married. She turned on me, so naturally I stopped. DH didn't bother - obvs my fault 😂 not that her son can't be bothered lol