Lonely - friendship group lost - will this ever be better?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

I will keep this brief.

I used to have a friendship group for many years. The group broke down because of something one person did. Most of us (not all) still meet individually, but not as a whole group. So my friendship group is not really a group anymore.

We have a baby. On my partner’s side, we don’t see his family much, as out of the country. On my side, we don’t see my family much as they also live quite far away.

I feel alone often. I try to do mum/ baby groups, but without the friendship group I quite often feel ‘up the creek without a paddle.’ I won’t say my exact age, but I am 35+.

My question is, do you think this will ever be resolved.. will I always have this lonely/loss feeling and this is it? Or can I meet or create another group of close friends?

YABU - you will likely always feel lonely now.

YANBU - you can/ will meet new people and have close friends/ a group again and feel true wellbeing again.

Please go gently on me, thank you.

And what is more important

Trying to bring a friendship group back together, where people have behaved badly and won’t apologise.. even though it doesn’t feel right, but so the group exists again.

Or being true to myself, and taking the risk that I may not have a friendship group again, and the loneliness that comes with that?..

I could take the approach that for the next 10 years, I’ll try to create a new friendship group with people aligned with me.. but I’m not sure if it will work.

And how long the period of loneliness will last whilst I try..

I think you need to count your blessings and focus on what you do have, rather than what is lost. You have friends who you meet with and you have a partner and a child. You have this strong base from which to find opportunities to meet new people which may lead to new friends.

You are in a much better place than many, many people. Focus on what you have now, and seek the opportunities you want.

That is my advice.

Thank you @Treesindeserts 🙏

I think it's often mid 30s when people start to realise that they have less and less in common with friends they've been close to for a long time - just a natural growing apart.
Maybe the disagreement has highlighted this for some in the group, while others will continue individual friendships that have grown from it.

This was me when I was around 36/37. I decided I was going to have a 40th birthday party with lots of friends that I didn’t actually have at the time.
So I went on a friend dating frenzy. I joined stuff, started chatting to more people, asked women out for coffee, lunch or over to my house. Some didn’t work out, some became almost friends but I also made some really good friends who are now my best friends 20 years later.
Now there is Meet-up so you could start a group or see what’s going on. I always meet friends at the nice gyms I’ve joined over the years. I accept out of 10 or 20 people I chat to I will probably click with one at the most so it’s a numbers game.
I did have my 40th birthday party with lots of friends, most of whom also went to my 50th.
Now my DC are grown up and I’m so glad I really went for it and made friends, they are now a really important part of my life.
Could you concentrate on seeing some of the old group one to one and also get a plan to try and make new friends?

Thanks so much @ChinaChina this is really encouraging. I’ve also thought I’d love to have a birthday party with friends I haven’t met yet. And I’d love to deepen those friendships and for them to be there at my 50th.

Also v helpful to hear your experience of it being a numbers game. Strange question, but something I’ve found difficult to navigate. If you meet up with lots of people but only connect with some, what do you do if you don’t think you’rw potential friends? With dating it’s easier, you politely tell them.. but with friends? Or maybe you don’t really message much and the friendships you want to cultivate naturally continue?

I think you both either feel it or don’t, I didn’t find things awkward at all if you don’t become friends, it’s not different from dating really.
Also you may join something and not become good friends with the other participants but still feel you are benefitting from doing something socially.

I don't know any people in the late 30s with a friendship group. Groups usually drift as people are too busy with careers/children/partners to be all getting together at the same time. I'm late 30s and I meet up with friends individually, the last time I was with more than 2 friends at once was a wedding and I think the few times before that were weddings or hen does.
I think you need to make peace with not being part of a group and recognise that is normal for this life stage.

That’s helpful to know @JLou08 thank you. Tbh I did wonder sometimes. I guess it was just that way for so long. Even some holidays together.

I also think that tv and social media has a lot to answer for in terms of expectations of friendships

What do you think is realistic in real life?

I think it’s rare to have a ‘group’ like you have in your early/mid 20s once you pass 30/35. I know almost no one who has that. I see friends individually and even then I really have to put the work into getting together with friends. I’ve been meaning to text my very dear friend who I absolutely love back for two days and have literally just thought of it again now (I will wait till a more reasonable hour!). Life just happens that way.

People move away for jobs or relationships, have kids, career commitments, aging parents, free time gets more precious and I think you’ve been in an unusual position. I’m sorry you’re sad about it, though.

@NurtureGrow Is it important to you that your friends also have individual relationships with your other friends?

In the case of the party scenario, at my 40th I invited all my favorite people but they didn’t particularly know each other; they only know one another superficially via me. It was still a brilliant time and everyone got along great during the occasion.

I think that you need to grieve the loss of this group because this is a loss for you. It's ok to prefer to have a group of friends, we're all different with different preferences here.

As to the future it's hard to say. I think that the ideal is to do things that you can enjoy, with or without friends, that put you around other people. You do have to accept that it doesn't guarantee anything. Some people find this process harder than others.

I hope that the right people come into your life for you to connect with.

I found DD being at primary school was one of the most sociable periods of my life with a group of friends while the kids were young and we all hung out together. Some groups I see around me have retained that closeness, mine didn’t various reasons, but it could be a good opportunity for you to build those relationships.

I think friendships change throughout our lives depending on common interests with people, when the kids are young, it’s easy to take them around to different places, but once they start secondary school they then start forming their own relationships and those groups disperse. Then, as you have more time again you can start pursuing your own interest, whether that’s volunteering, sport, culture, through work, whatever, and may form another group around another interest. I found I’ve collected individual friends that have come from these periods of my life and stuck even though the group has disbanded

Having said that, I do have an old friendship group that I meet very very occasionally, And it’s really nice to see them because they hold a sense of history that newer friends don’t.

Basically, all is not lost, but I know what you mean about missing a group, I don’t have much of a family either and I often feel a bit adrift.

I had a very similar situation with a fall out of a close friendship group, as someone else had pointed out it was childhood and shared history that kept the group together. Looking back I see it was a bit toxic and non of us had anything in common anymore. Now I'm happy it's gone.

I had a week old baby at the time so I've build up a good network of friends with neighbours, mums from school and activities the children attend. I also smile and say hello to everybody that looks my way and conversations just start - you'll find a tribe.

My neighbour is part of a friendship group that has lasted 40 years, they all met at school and are five married couples, all still married. That I think is highly unusual, all of it though nice. They all go away together on holiday still. Those people have never left the small town they live in, I have relocated a few times for work.

I have some very long standing friendships. I have made no effort to mix all these friends. Plus they are scattered all over the UK and overseas. So longest is 40 years from primary school and then many are at the 25 to 30 year mark. I don’t really drink alcohol, I have a real intolerance to it, look up Asian blush if you haven’t heard of it. I belong to a hiking group, great bunch of women. They go away on holiday together and nights out but it’s alcohol dominated and as I just can't drink I dodge them. I meet up with one of them on a very regular basis for lunch.

When it comes to big groups, I’m one of six children and learned early on mini factions develop in actual groups so overall I prefer meeting a single friend or going out with DH and other couples.

I went to this talk once about different life stages. The speaker said that during your teens and 20s you're very much geared up to be sociable and be out there living life to the full, meeting lots of people. It's like some hormonal, biological drive to get out there and meet your mate, meet your people, your "tribe".
This drive calms down in your 30s and 40s and people become less sociable, have already established their social network, found a mate etc.
I think there's truth in this. Looking back I made most of friendships in my teens and 20s when I was very driven to be sociable. Making new friendships slowed down massively in my 30s.
We've moved to a new city in my 30s and I found it incredibly difficult to make new friends. I went to baby and toddler groups but everyone was their with friends and didn't seem interested in making more friends. I was lonely for years. I eventually made a couple of friends through the kid's school and work but it took years and I really only made two or three friends - whereas in my 20s I seemed to make friends so easily.
I disagree with others that it's unusual to have a friendship group in your 30s. I'm 50 now and still have several friendships groups that started in my youth. The problem is I've moved a lot so they all live far away, but we meet up frequently and are always in touch.
I think you can make friends doing classes etc. Just go in with low expectations. I did two duff evening classes. Made no friends at one class but made a very good friend at a language class.

Thank you all so much. All your comments are v helpful and you’ve given me hope all is not lost 🙏

An example.. I went to a class earlier this week with our baby. One woman in the class said the cake was really good in the cafe. I asked her if she’d like to get some after and she looked really alarmed and said she had some before the class 😅 another woman I spoke to most in the class (seemed friendly) walked straight past us after and sat with another group. It wasn’t a success.

But the next day I went to a class (with someone I have met in our neighbourhood) and after I asked some other women if they’d like to have tea. 5 of us did and it was really nice! I’ve been messaging with 2 since and they live very nearby 🤞

I think it was hard as I’ve had so many experiences like the first example in recent years… but I need to keep trying… I understand what you mean about a numbers game @ChinaChina

Also good to know many people don’t have a group of friends now. I’ve felt awful about the collapse of how the group was. @Moopsie friends don’t all need to know each other. I’ve just always liked having a group to organise things with, trips, a few breaks quite long ago, meeting up on a weekend etc.

Its very helpful to hear everyone’s experience of individual friends. I think I placed too much (?) emphasis on this group.. we live in a city, it took years to meet partners. We shared a lot over these years. But I guess things are different now.

@WhatNoRaisins it does seem I need to grieve the loss of these friends in this way. It feels like posting this and shifts this week, I may finally be doing that..

@KnutsfordCityLimits thank you for saying all is not lost. I’m sorry you feel a bit adrift sometimes not having much of a family either. I hope it can get better 🙏 x

@MrsPerfect12 I think mine was probably a bit toxic too.. and I love this ‘I also smile and say hello to everybody that looks my way and conversations just start - you'll find a tribe.’ 🙏

@SallyWD low expectations seem to be really key, thank you.

I think in recent years friendship has felt kind of complicated to me. Why I didn’t meet new friends in this city after I moved here. I’ve tried lots of things. So stayed with the same group mainly. I have done EQ tests, wondering if there is something up with me. There doesn’t seem to be! I think I’ve possibly been over complicating it. Not knowing who to spend time with (not knowing if we’ll be friends) and not knowing what to do if it doesn’t feel right. Probably just need a much more straight forward approach as @ChinaChina suggested.

I feel a bit liberated from sharing and your comments, so THANK YOU! xx

I was just thinking the same thing tonight, I’m a bit older than you, in my late 40s. I feel I have very few friends now. When my DC were little I was part of quite a large friendship group through the DC, we met through baby/toddler groups and we regularly went out for dinner then weekends away etc. over the years some moved away, some just cut the group off. The numbers dwindled over the years until a core group remained. A few years ago a close friend really showed her true colours and I haven’t seen her since. Now I only really see one person.

I have one school friend my best friend who I speak to every week and see every few months (we live 2 hours away) but that’s it. Almost 50 years on the planet and 2 friends is quite sad.

I would say I felt very like you when I had babies. However when they started playgroup I met lots of other mums. Eventually I was invited to coffee etc (and invited them). This was hard as in those days I was one of the few working (part time but therefore not always available unlike many others). I am now retired and have a really lovely group of female friends - we meet up at last once a month. And they are all those mums from playgroup. Mostly we are grannies these days!