I now have the 'ick' for my DH of nearly 50 years

[MagicMushroomOmelette]

I love him dearly. We have three adult daughters and four grandchildren. So far, so good. I met him when I was 18 and a half and we married when I was 20 and he was 24. I am 69 and he is 73.

We met in the early/mid seventies. He had other girlfriends before me, as I had several boyfriends. All quite normal. Before I came along, he had split up with his steady girlfriend about a eight or nine months ago. The relationship had just fizzled out, as he put it. His family were very upset as they really liked her...they never took to me.

We never talked much about past relationships or the past in general, instead focussing on the present and our future. But a week ago, we were just chilling on the sofa with a nice bottle of wine, and we were talking about age differences in relationships. It was then that he told me that when he first started going out with his 'steady' girlfriend, she had just turned 14, still at school, and he was 19.

I have been sleeping in the guest room since then, with the excuse of coming down with something, which is true. I have noro.

Am I overeacting here? Or were things really that diiferent then?

Did he actually say he slept with an under age girl?.. If not you are a tad ott...

At 15 my boyfriend was 21, we were together nearly a decade. Most of my peer group had older boyfriends. Some of them even married them and are still together.

That was 20 years ago.

You are over reacting.

I think it was a very different time with different expectations if I'm honest. In my eyes you were virtually a child bride yourself!

Did he explain what the relationship involved? Sex for example?

Is there anything else beyond this that makes you feel uncomfortable with him. Or is it this one declaration.

…if this is a true post …

If anyone can answer that question, you can, as you were alive then.

Yes it was different, rights and wrongs apart

Seems an odd thing to get upset about 50 years on - unless you think he’s been a closet paedophile all that time.

Yes. The relationship became sexual within a few weeks

Never been acceptable in my opinion, but it was accepted back then. It’s half a century ago, you might be overreacting a bit.

Well, maybe it’s neither here nor there but my parents met at around that time at those same ages, married when mum turned 18 and were married for 25 years, so it’s not unheard of. It wouldn’t fly these days though. And afaik, my dad never had a relationship with anyone younger than him apart from that.

It was normal back then. I remember the kudos of girls being picked up after school by boyfriends in posh cars.

l think you are overreacting.

I'm a few years younger than you - but at 15-16 my and peers' boyfriends were generally early 20s.
They had cars and were less childish.

A few dated teachers in 6th year - one left 6th year and married the geography teacher.

I wasn't around in the 70s but that doesn't sound unusual for the times. I had older boyfriends from 3- 6 years and interest from much, much older in my teens that was in the early to mid 2000s.

How does his behaviour sound apart from the age gap and how was it towards you when you met?

I would judge him from the time you've known him rather than the fact his girlfriend was younger as a teenager in and of itself. I know it doesn't sound great but it was a very long time ago and teeagers had age gaps. He can't change that now.

If he mentioned anything particularly unsavoury that may be a point but I would try and see it in balance. How have things been otherwise?

I was 14 in 1983 I had a 19 year old boyfriend although we didn't have full sex, I didn't really think much about it till my own Dds reached 14 and thought about her having a 19 year old bf !

I honestly think it was a different time and girls thought they wanted older boyfriends and I think the teen boys didn't match up to their expectations, and the older boys maybe didn't realise how "icky," it was. I don't know how you should handle it with your husband but I do think it was the "norm".

I am your age and think it was much more normal then. I met my first serious boyfriend at 15, he was 17 - not a big age gap but I was a schoolgirl and he had been working for 2 years, so a huge gulf in life experience. I met my first DH when I was 17 and still at school and he was 21 and had been working for 5 years. They both had widowed/single mothers so used to being "the man of the house".
Noone ever suggested the age gap was inappropriate, although my family were strict.

Ew. Never acceptable in my eyes. That’s an adult and a child.

I could not get this hung up over something that happened 50 years ago and before I met my husband!

My first proper serious boyfriend when I was 17 was 21,

I think it was more acceptable back then. I was at school in the 80s and remember several 14 year old girls having boyfriends in their 20s. It didn't seem surprising at the time.

It was half a century ago. It was illegal, even then, for a 19 year old to have sex with somebody under 16. As the adult in the relationship he should have not allowed it to go that far. But he did. It is done. Were there any repercussions? Were they in love? Was it supposed to be forever? Are you saying he groomed her? What is his view upon it now, with the benefit of hindsight? Does he acknowledge that what he did was wrong?

My first boyfriend was 17 and I was 14. Lost my virginity to him. We fizzled out after a few years but he was and still is a lovely person. If anyone was a victim in that relationship I’d say it was him! (Not physical or sexual victim obviously, I would just consider him the nicer person out of the two of us at the time.)

I think 14 year old girls and late teen boys are probably in a similar place maturity wise. You’re being harsh to your husband.

I think your reaction is unfair. In future many of your actions will be judged by people in the future because attitudes have changed. They were in the same age bracket for dating in the times they were in.

Although my friend left school at 16 and married her 25 year old boyfriend we did try and talk her out of as we thought he was far too old.

I'm in Scotland and she didn't need permission

14 is very young to be going out with an adult man.
It may have been different then, but it's exploitative nonetheless.

It wasn't that unusual then I think. Try too e on from this if your marriage is otherwise happy .

Agree. I think you're overreacting.

I see nothing wrong with a teen girl having a relationship, but I'm surprised they slept together so soon. However they were together for many years so that is very relevant. Whatever the circumstances I think you are over reacting, you met him when you were technically a teen and he was 4 years older than you so there isn't a huge difference. You didn't see anything wrong with it then. I think it's more likely he was a bit immature for his age and was drawn to younger people. If he still has a thing for teens then that's absolutely a different story. Fwiw I think getting married at 20 is madness but I'm not going to judge you for it as it was a different time. Maybe you should take the same approach.