Cut sister out of my life

[Maxi77]

Looking for some advice. I used to be very close to my sister when we were young but we have drifted apart as adults, and due to her behaviour, she really isn't someone I want to be around. She has a temper and we have all born the brunt of it over the years (for example her screaming at me and refusing to leave my house) but as it's family we have forgiven and got on with it. However on top of that she has become very controlling of our parents (is constantly around them) and is very self centred. For example, last year she asked me over for a mother's day afternoon tea but didn't tell me that she was actually taking my parents out to lunch before hand. Second example, when I announced that i was pregnant her first reaction was to cry because she wanted to try for a baby soon. Third example, we hosted Christmas this year as we had our newborn and it was easier than transporting the baby. While sister did bring food for the meal, she debated me about the time for lunch as she wanted it later as she was tired from working! Meanwhile i was up with baby every few hours during the night. Has maybe asked how me and the baby are twice in 4 months.

I'm at the point that I don't want to see her at all but only do occasionally to placate my parents who have rose tinted glasses on about her. AIBU to feel this way? Any suggestions for how I could convey the message to our parents?

Can you quietly phase her out so that you only see her at Christmas? Might mean you will see your parents less but if they're switched on enough they will clock it for themselves. I'd massively move on with your life without a fuss and hope that she gets busier with hers. I say this, recently I cut my brother and his wife off for their bullying behaviour towards family members. But I had to wait until they majorly messed up so that it would be hard for them to blame me or everyone's just let's it go. So now that they are pretty much frozen out by most of the family and petience has worn thin, I've heard my brother is feeling not so powerful anymore. So I'd day unless she's bullying you, make it big issue. But otherwise it sounds like if you have a dog, she needs to have a tiger. Just have a year where you are busy with your life and your family of origin have to take a back seat. That might reset expectations but leaves you an open window to enter again if you wish.

She sounds a pain but going nc sounds extreme and could backfire. Limit contact and keep your guard up and keep contact on your terms wherever possible.

in your shoes I’d see her when she’s nice and quietly give her space when she’s horrid. She will quickly learn that when ever she’s awful she won’t see you for a month.

Those instances, while not nice, are fairly trivial in the grand scheme of life.
You don't live with sister.
You don't have to see her day to day.
You only have to see her and be civil to one another at Christmas and when together with your parents.

Don't cut her out. Just set your own boundaries for what you will or won't do etc. Give her some space after she behaves inappropriately. Does she have a personality disorder?

Make a lovely bunch of friends to compensate your lack of sister support.

I've seen far worse examples of toxic behaviour tbh. Your sister sounds unpleasant, but arguing about the timing of Christmas dinner, for instance, sounds like fairly ordinary family shit. If that's one of your top examples I think you might be unreasonable.

For example, last year she asked me over for a mother's day afternoon tea but didn't tell me that she was actually taking my parents out to lunch before hand

What's wrong with that?

As another poster has said, the examples you've given just seem like normal sibling trivialities and not anything I'd go no contact over

Another that thinks going nc is extreme, your examples show she’s possibly high maintenance but controlling seems a bit too much of a reach. Going nc definitely impact your relationship with your parents, and end up in a tug of war

None of that sounds sufficient for anything beyond LC and that’s for the reported temper, not the incidents. Either the earlier stuff was forgiven and everyone moved on or it’s still affecting judgement of her.

Don’t be surprised if your parents effectively end up standing by your sister and not you. Irritatingly, It’s the dysfunction of everyday families.

Do you need to tell your parents anything? Why not just quietly keep your distance from your sister? You don't need to have a relationship with her independent of them. Try and find some more joyful people to spend time with (new Mum friends?) and don't give your sister too much headspace.

I disagree with most comments.

You can go NC for an reasons you want, if other trivialise them, it doesn't matter, what matters is WHAT YOU THINK.

Put in place your boundaries and go for it. See if your life is better, if it is, carry on. If it isn't, reassess.

It’s not about boundaries. When you normalise going NC over trivial matters, it’s verges on enabling toxic behaviour and demands, in this case the OP over minor issues. It’s not the sister who comes across as the difficult one over the issues OP raised, it’s the OP.

You can go NC gor any reason, but don't expect others not to think you're barking mad if you do. None of the recent examples are even slightly deserving of cutting off a sibling in my opinion. Discussing what time to have Christmas dinner seems like a perfectly normal conversation to gave with someone. I cant see the issue at all with the afternoon tea one. The OP can cut off family if she wants, but she might have to prepare for none of the rest of the family understanding why and thinking that she's the unreasonable one.

3 fairly trivial issues, not sure they are worth the drama.

Going NC is your choice, it will put your parents in a difficult position, and will effect that relationship as well.

Yeah that's a consequence, all actions have consequences, staying in contact, going NC, OP needs to decide what's best for them after considering the consequence of both options.

OP could choose to talk to sister or parents, or that thought could fill them with dread, only they can decide what is their best option, regardless of what a load of strangers say on the Internet.

If those are your best 3 examples (and if they’re not then why choose them over better examples?) then she’s a pain in the neck but worthy of and eye roll and the occasional push back on things she does or says but not cutting her off completely! Come on.

You're the only one who can decide whether her behaviour justifies NC

It's an extreme step, but may be perfectly justified (especially as you have a little one to consider now) - only you can tell

FWIW I've cut people out of my life before - abhorrent behaviour, but having DC now myself it made me even more determined to go NC so that they weren't exposed to it

You don't need to say anything about this to your parents! That would be trying to make them choose a side, which they couldn't.

Just stay LC with the sister. Look up Grey Rock technique.

I'm another who thinks that you can go NC for whatever reason you want. Having a young family is exhausting, who has time for others' shit? That jealousy crying would have pissed me right off, too. Your sister sounds completely selfish and self-centred.

She just sounds a bit of a pain in the arse.

Of course as someone contributing to the meal she argued for a dinner at a time that worked for her, and you, as the host, argued successfully for the time that suited you. So what?

Why was it wrong she’d taken your parents out for lunch and then invited you for afternoon tea for Mother’s Day?

I don’t think you need to declare it. If you do, you’re just inviting her and your parents to try and change your mind. That’s easily dealt with if it’s one big terrible thing she’s done, but as she’s done a million tiny little things, no example you give for why you’ve gone nc is going to sound serious enough. Their rose tinted response is going to be that you’re over reacting and they know she can be a bit difficult sometimes but she’s never done anything really bad. You’ll be the one left feeling like you’re a terrible person.

I really think you need to play this very close to your chest and be quite subtle about it. Have a pile of excuses ready from seeing friends to baby is sick.

You don't get along, so it makes sense for her to not message you and take your parents out separately. If she has more time, then she would be around your parents more. Hopefully that will continue as they age. I see my sister about four times a year, two are my birthday and a Christmas panto, with wider family. That's how it is with family who you haven't got a lot in common with. You seem to want to punish her for not being your best friend.

Yes, agreed. So many Mners don’t seem able to live with minor irritations in their family or friendship circles.

Honestly we have similar with sister in law. We haven’t cut her out of our lives but we just don’t put up with her rubbish behaviour anymore. DH just tells her that she is behaving “x” way and we are not trying to fix that for her nor put up with it.

She absolutely hates us for not just putting up with her rubbish and will likely cut us off but we don’t care to be honest. It is her problem to fix.

Going NC seems an overreaction to some of those things!!

Perhaps she's got conception issues and if she doesn't have a baby yet, doesn't really understand the no sleep thing? Why can't she make a request that lunch is later if she's tired, no harm in asking?

She kindly invited you over for afternoon tea but wanted some time with them on her own beforehand? I don't get the issue!!

Ok so you're on different pages and she niggles you, but to go no contact is very very extreme

Of course you can go NC for any reason. But the problem is, it never ends there. No one ever says “I’ve cut person X out of my life” and gets “Okay, fair enough; your choice” in response. If it’s someone unquestionably toxic, you could well be told “Well done! You’re well rid of them” - but if there’s any area of ambiguity, you will get lots of “Awwh no, that’s awful! Can’t you sort things out?” And this gets way more extreme if you’re talking family. I can just hear the cries of “But she’s your sister!!” now.

Of course it’s the OP’s decision. But if you think she’ll be left to make it alone, think again. Her parents will be up in arms. There will be tears, pleading; claims they are “being torn apart”. And if there are aunties and uncles, cousins, family friends etc., they will ALL chime in. “Think about what you’re doing - your poor mum!!” And if, as the OP claims, the sister is a manipulative type, this will be like manna from heaven for her. She’ll get to play the wounded angel, looking all hurt and bewildered, saying she doesn’t understand what she’s done that’s so wrong, why didn’t OP just talk to her… It plays straight into her hands.

I’m not saying no one should ever cut a family member out of their lives. Many people absolutely should. But be prepared for the pushback; the fact that it’s a major commitment. If the OP’s sister is just generally difficult, OP would be better off just quietly withdrawing from spending time with her alone; if possible, see her parents on her own more often, but keep them as a buffer if she has to see her sister. Quiet quitting, as I believe it’s known in the employment world. A big declaration of “going NC” has massive potential to backfire.