Breastfeeding, AIBU to think I just can't do it

[ThatNavyFish]

Looking for some advice, support or even just a show of solidarity.

7 weeks postpartum and still struggling to get breastfeeding established. Anyone able to offer any kind words?

Summary: baby latched very badly right at the start, caused some damage to nipples (which healed in a day or two) but had never truly latched properly. Was advised to try shields by HV so started using Medela ones which allowed me to exclusively BF on demand but come week 2 weigh in baby had lost weight. A few days later baby had lost even more, cue a triple feeding plan being put in place. I've been triple feeding since and managing to express between 800-950 MLS over a 24hr period. Baby never seems satisfied after most breastfeeds so usually has a top up via bottle of around 60ml (then I express). Baby has surpassed birth weight again and is thriving.

Assessed as having mild tongue tie but probably not enough to cause issues with draining the breast but still a possibility. I'm unsure about making him go through a procedure if there's no guarantee it will work?

Recently was advised to pull back on the top up bottles and expressing and just feed (with shields) on demand but baby is regularly restless and breasts feeling engorged and sore so back to pumping. If I just stop expressing after doing it 8 times a day for weeks and he isn't feeding efficiently then won't this affect my supply?

I try to latch without shields but cannot do it, he just bobs about and gets angry and I become flustered. Where do we go from here?.aibu to think I just can't do it? I feel like I'm letting him down.

For clarity, all top ups are expressed breast milk. I don't want this to be a debate about bf/formula either, I don't think that would help me right now.

I used nipple shields for 3months. I actually quite liked them because I could whip them off when I'd had enough and he couldn't latch on again..and then at 3months the baby who could not figure out how to latch, despite countless lactation advisers helping and trying every trick and nursing position in the book, latched on. I don't know if he's mouth got bigger, he got stronger, more determined or what. But he just suddenly got it. The same happened with my neighbour at around 3months. She said her baby got latched for the first time when she was nursing lying down with her, so maybe that could be worth trying in time.
I'd perserve if you can. Sounds like you're doing an amazing job.

Your experience seems similar to mine with my oldest. He couldn’t latch at all so I started using nipple shields. I was told by a volunteer in a breastfeeding support clinic that he might have tong tie. At the end he got it cut at 5 weeks, but he couldn’t latch without nipple shields still. He managed to finally latch without nipple shields at 11 weeks. Until 11 weeks I breastfed him with the nipple shields and then I expressed milk and gave it to him in a bottle. It was super hard. My three kids have had the tong tie cut; it is a simple and quick procedure. I read the milk transfer with nipple shields is more difficult. Once he manages to latch without nipple shields it will be easier. I stopped expressing soon after he managed to latch without nipple shields. I would get a second opinion about the tong tie. With my three kids, I have been told that they did not have a tong tie by the midwives; the three times I have hired a lactation consultant who confirmed the tong tie. I

Firstly, you're doing great. Breastfeeding is hard work for the first few months. It's also really difficult to get the right advice and support.

Pumping can increase your supply and make your breasts engorged. Which is then a vicious cycle as baby struggles with a fast let down and you pump to relieve, but then your body thinks "quick make more milk!"

I would get proper advice from a qualified Breastfeeding Lactation Consultant, especially one who is trained to diagnose tongue tie. Unfortunately midwives and Health Visitors are not obliged to gain any qualifications in breastfeeding or tongue tie. Even though they're the ones who promote breastfeeding and give advice ...

On Instagram Olivia Lactation Consultant has great advice. There's the National Breastfeeding Helpline. There should hopefully be a peer support service in your area too.

It is honestly not worth losing sleep over. If you want to keep going, invest in a lactation consultant as soon as possible, and they can guide you on how to optimise. If you don’t want to, either pump and bottle feed, or move to formula. At 3 weeks, my daughter stopped latching on the right hand side, and exclusively feeds from the left now, and she’s 1. I look back and wish I had just moved to formula as there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You’ve done so well, it’s so hard! It is honestly not worth killing yourself over though, do what makes you happy and keeps your baby satisfied!

edited to add: most midwives are useless at helping, as they aren’t properly trained. La Leche League/national breastfeeding helpline are AMAZING!

The time to bf and pump is just so much and so much admin, plus find extra feeds is too much! I would feel frazzled.

personally I’d get the tongue tie sorted and then wean to just bf without top ups and make a decision when you’re less exhausted. At least then you have no regrets. Taking a bottle after a feed doesn’t necessarily mean they are still hungry- once the teat is in the position it triggers baby’s suckling reaction. As they get older they feed less so it becomes easier generally.

personally I found many HV and midwives to be really poorly educated on the science of bf, perpetuating myths the same as friends and family eg they wake in the night coz you’re not producing enough milk etc. then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy as you top up with formula more. Then baby can be unsettled as feeling full, so seen as fussy, so you think they need more formula etc etc.

its really hard because all you want is to make sure your baby isn’t hungry!

i think combi feeding can be really successful but only to pump then get sleep so next time they wake someone else can give a bottle. Feeding and pumping is so exhausting. Or decide you’re replacing a feed and always give a bottle then.

youve done so well to get this far. It is really hard. I also know numerous people who had tongue tie babies that were misdiagnosed multiple times but once it got sorted they fed no problem.

Also second La Leche league or the NCT breastfeeding helpline (free). They can support you, la Leche run feeding groups too.

Do you have any breastfeeding support groups local to you? You need some real, in person support if you want to continue breastfeeding. It’s so tough isn’t it! But also, like others have said, whatever you need to do for you is the best thing for the baby.

I used nipple shields for ages. Then had the minor tongue tie snipped (a short cry, then she was fine less than a minute later) meant I could slowly wean off the shields. I think it's worth trying the tongue tie snip personally.

I really struggled with my first dc. Main issues were not latching properly and baby usually just stopping too soon or baby falling asleep while nursing. I breast fed a few times a day regardless, but it was so unsatisfying. I only felt anxiety over it. I bottle fed formula 90% as pumping yielded little. I pumped every 2-3 hours regardless. Did all of this for 11 months. Switched baby to 100% formula for a couple months then whole milk.
It is like night and day with my 2nd dc. Good latching and breast fed 90% of the time, no pumping, formula given when I was doing errands etc and leave baby at home. I still couldn't get much yield when pumping, so I didn't.
Looking back, I wonder if I had just stuck with putting my first baby to breast every time if it would've been different. Would it have worked out? Part of me feels baby was cheated.
What I can say is that no matter what, you have to do the best you can at the time how ever you can.
Do what you need to in order to survive the days.
There is no right or wrong. Yes, breast milk is ideal, but, feeding your child and loving your child, being present emotionally for your child count, too. You can always comfort nurse if you're open to it, and both of you will benefit from it.

It's probably the tongue tie causing problems. All mine had it, my 4th child is 2 weeks old and has it. The procedure cured my older kids and breastfeeding was fine afterwards

"Assessed as having mild tongue tie but probably not enough to cause issues with draining the breast but still a possibility. I'm unsure about making him go through a procedure if there's no guarantee it will work"

We had this issue op and I persevered because I was so worried about putting ds under an unnecessary procedure until his weight loss got so bad it was unmanageable. The infant feeding coordinator at the hospital had said it wasn't worth doing which really put me off getting it cut before then.

When his weight started to suddenly drop (and at the point i was nursing every 30 minutes at 4 months old) I got it cut privately and it resolved our issues almost immediately. The entire thing was 5 minutes from door to door, ds was so distracted by the dentist who did it that he didn't so much as wince and fed straight after. I felt really guilty that I had put it off for so long but it was because I didn't realise how easy a job it was. If its causing so much grief I would just get it cut at the very least to rule it out. Its really hard op, but in this instance do what is right for you. You are amazing.

It sounds so hard. I struggled every feed from getting a latch to the hold. And just when I thought can tuck the boob away the baby was hungry all over again. I preserved for 8 months. I don’t think there is anything wrong with finding it hard - it still remains as one of the hardest things I ever tried. I never enjoyed it like some flowery natural mother experience.

I got help from a nurse a few times at the start. I also looked up resource after resource and got DH to help me with it. We got there in the end. All the best, you got this 💐

You are doing BRILL! And only 7 days in too. Hour milk will only have started coming in around day 3 or 4 so just relax it will work for you and you will be so so glad your persevered. Keep going with the nipple shields for the time being you will be able to get off then but no rush! If you have a lactation support group near you join that and go along. I know it seems like a nightmare and you are worrying but your experience is totally normal and it's very very early days for you. Keep at it 🩷

1. The 'flipple' technique or 'exaggerated latch' really helped me to get a deeper latch - my son also would just bob his head around without opening his mouth much at all. This video demonstrates it well:
2. As others have said, it could be worth seeing a specialised tongue tie practitioner.
3. If you see a lactation consultant, find an IBCLC certified one as they have the highest level of qualification and most up to date training. We paid for two at home visits from and IBCLC and it saved me when I was ready to give up - best money we've ever spent. Lucy Webber IBCLC has a brilliant Instagram account with free advice. She also does video appointments (I personally found it very difficult to leave the house still at week 7).

Wishing you all the best. I couldn't believe how hard physically and mentally the early weeks of breastfeeding were but it got so much better. You sound pretty determined and with the correct skilled help there is usually a solution for everything. You've got this xxx

You’re doing really well OP. Go easy on yourself. I went through absolute hell breastfeeding DD, I was exhausted and miserable and breast obsessed. I was stubborn and persevered and fed successfully - but in hindsight I should have just relaxed and given up, those months would have been much more pleasant and now I’ll never get them back.

Do whatever you have to do that makes you happy. What your baby consumes in the first months is but a tiny minuscule amount compared to the 90 years they live for. It’s way more important that you’re relaxed and happy. Your baby will be fine as long as she’s fed.

Good luck!

Keep trying without the shields. I know of babies latching without shields at 3 months etc. Reduce the top ups and see how he gets on. Private lactation consultant to help. Get along to local bf group (are you in Scotland?). Good luck.
Join some bf support pages on Facebook if you have it

Get the tongue tie cut and you’ll notice the difference x

Gosh. Please don’t stress. Baby will be fine however fed

Absolutely this! Have you tried the different holds? Rugby, cross body, lying down …..It also helps with moving the baby around the breast so if you are sore then you can try a new hold.

A lactation expert could help or can your HV recommend someone or is there a drop in clinic at the hospital?

It’s brilliant you are breastfeeding and want advice - maybe try some of these first?

OP get the tongue tie sorted. You won’t regret it. Both my boys had to have it sorted. Immediately relief for both mum and baby.

Same experience here.

This was me with my first DC. I was on my knees with anxiety about it and the baby never seemed happy. Also losing weight in the first few weeks. And I was broken through lack of sleep because she woke hungry all night. Saw the GP, the midwife, the health visitor, went to breastfeeding drop-in places multiple times, had her tongue tie cut (that helped slightly but not much), took some revolting herbal tablets which made me smell weird but supposedly increased milk production… I persevered, topping up with formula but it was utterly miserable until she started weaning and needing less milk. I wish now I’d just given up and given her bottles, it would have been so much better for my mental health.

Then had DC2 - and he breastfed with no problems whatsoever. It was easy. I still don’t know what the issue was with DC1 but she just didn’t get on with it.

Do what’s best for your sanity. You won’t get these early months back so make them as happy and stress-free as you can x

Do what you need to do to keep you and baby healthy and sane.

I mixed fed due to incredibly sore nipples so they could recover. Apparently, according to HV, this would make kiddo stop breastfeeding. I suppose she was right but had to wait 2.5 years to find out!

This !! As long as baby is fed and you are ok ,then you are doing what is best for you and the baby.

Just a thought. You say your engorged and can express - so it’s not a supply problem.

The only confirmed issue seems to be that baby is restless after feeding on the breast.

That does to me sound like a latching problem. But not necessarily that he’s feeding inefficiently. He may just be drinking a lot of air.

They can’t really tell the difference between hunger and tummy pain. They just kick off, making feeding cues and cry. But you will start to tell the difference in the cry if you focus on it. And kicking/ scrunching of the legs is a give away.

If you are sure they are fed on both breasts then this is when infacol, a dummy, and effective winding really comes into its own. Winding is an art form really! I just can’t do it properly and I’m on child 2 after ebf first for a year. DP is a master at it.

You could try to cut the express bottles tapered, ride through the restlessness and keep a close eye on weight, counting nappies and checking the freaky brain bit.

If it is wind it gets better as babe grows and the organs get bigger and better functioning.