To not like my nephew

[HobnobsChoice]

I have a nephew who is the same age as my own son. They are at the same school in fact. I also have an older child with autism. I have ADHD as does my nephew. Nephew is my sister in law's child. And I'm afraid I just don't like him very much. He obviously really struggles due to his ADHD and I do have empathy as it is hard work. However his mother has never ever put a boundary in place of any sort. At his diagnosis appointment he was screaming and throwing things and the psychiatric said when my SiL gave nephew her phone and he stopped that nephew has learned how to use negative behaviour to get what he wants and that she has to stop rewarding the negative behaviour. That same week he smashed up his own tablet and then sister in law's phone by throwing them on frustration. She then bought herself a new phone and bought him one.

My son is scared of his cousin, not all the time but when he holds his fist in his face because he is angry my lad gets very anxious and no longer wants to play. My nephew then screams more and his mum doesn't say no or tell him he has frightened his cousin. Nephew has recently bitten my husband, punched me, hurt the cleaner by making a trap for her to walk into (and she is pregnant) and thrown things ranging from his tablet to pens to Lego to a small chair when he is angry.
I'm finding it hard to know where the ADHD stops and where not being ever told no starts. Nephew tried to push his mum down the stairs recently and has taken to shaking his fist on her face and saying "I will smack you if you don't do x' which to my mind is manipulation not impulsive but she still doesn't draw a line.

My husband feels stuck in the middle as we have somehow ended up picking up nephew from school as he has been asked to leave the wrap around provision. I feel on edge the whole time he is here. Our own kids find the screaming and throwing on their home quite hard to manage but are quite tolerant until the threats start.

I just don't like him any more. If he was any other kid he wouldn't come in our house after hitting me but it's hard as he is a relative and his mum is a single parent (she also has ADHD). My husband says he can't say no to his sister and I feel that she's just making it someone else's problem. Nephew is due to start medication soon but that will largely depend on if he will even take it and it's not a magic bullet

I'm so fed up and it's starting to damage our marriage. Am I being unreasonable to not want him to be in our house for hours after school twice a week

Is your husband picking him up or is it all on you? I would leave the house and let your husband deal with him, if he's so set on helping his sister.

How old is DN? Is it you or your DH that is picking him up and looking after him? If it's your DH can he not take DN to his own house to be minded until SIL finishes work, that way you and DCs don't have to deal with it.

you need to put your child first, and so does your husband. If he can’t put the needs and safety of his child first he’s not worth having as a husband

If he is agressive and violent to members of your household you need to tell your husband that he is not allowed in your home.
If your husband wants to provide child care it needs to be provided in the childs home.

My nephew and son are both 7.
I work from home and technically my husband is meant to be working (freelance writer) when he is collecting nephew. Our son can be trusted to just watch TV and have a snack the one day he is here when we are both working and it's for an hour. When the boys are together it sounds like war is breaking out if nephew can't get his own way. Our daughter then gets involved and screams/gets upset (autistic) so even though husband is technically looking after him I find it impossible to do anything. My son prefers me if he is upset so will come to me.

We use childcare all the other days or my mum has our son one day a week. So we are paying for childcare and then have nephew here!
Sister in law says she can't find anyone else to have him, I'm not convinced she'd looked to be honest. Husband feels he can't say no and this has been going on since the start of Spring term. I think I'm going to have to say if this carries on it needs to be at nephew/sister in law house and hope my husband sees sense.

That makes a lot of sense, for dh to bring dn to ds's house. I think you're right, it's unsustainable.

You need to insist your husband collects his nephew from school and take nephew straight to his own house, where your husband can entertain him there until your SIL gets home.

I guarantee your husband will find a backbone after a few days of this, and put an end to the arrangement.

I’d let your husband take his nephew to his own house, on the basis he’s clearly not comfortable at yours.
you collect and care for your own children as they are your priority. Your husband keeping his nephew away from your children is also him putting your joint children first, whilst still helping his sister ans family who are very clearly in need

You’re both failing your own children by having your nephew anywhere near them. Of course she hasn’t looked at other options, she’s got you doing it for free. And if no one else will take him maybe she’ll realise it’s time to start saying no to horrible, dangerous behaviour.

Come on, put your foot down hard, if DH wants to be a mug he can do it away from you, your kids, your home. His ADHD and her being single aren’t excuses for this shit show to carry on another day.

Yes, your DH does need to take his nephew to his sister's house and look after him there.

Your autistic DD is probably masking her autism all day at school and needs to relax at home. If she is being upset to the point of screaming almost every day she is under a lot of stress. You really don't want her suffering an autistic burnout, it can have horrible effects.

Your nephew can't help his ADHD but you shouldn't have to sacrifice your DD's long term health to care for him after school.

Your husband is being unreasonable. It's understandable to want to support his sister, but she's not helping herself by allowing her son to run wild. Ultimately, the well-being of his own children and wife must come first. There must be other options, and your DH taking DN to his own home after school is a good place to start.

He needs to be banned from your house for the time being for safety of your own son. He has the right to feel safe in his own home. There is no good reason why your husband can’t take your nephew to his sister’s. I’m sure your husband would be much less willing to help if he was the one suffering the majority of the consequences. In turn he might then withdraw support and his sister might finally have motivation to start parenting her son properly, as advised by the psychiatrist. I’d also be telling your husband that while him and his sister might feel they are supporting your nephew they are absolutely setting him up for failure by ignoring expert advice, as he will never be able to engage properly with relationships, work, education etc, until he can manage his behaviour better.

Tell DH he can’t bring DN back to yours. Where he chooses to take him isn’t your problem.

I bet he soon manages to say no to his sister once he’s on his own dealing with the behaviour.

I would split up if he won’t agree. You have to protect your poor son.

Oh. My. Word.

It is a little bit frightening to me how similar your situation is to mine. I've always been hesitant to post because I thought it would be outing. Apparently not.

I am going to PM you becuase truthfully, some of it IS outing. But I will say this: one huge thing we have done is put proper barriers in place to protect our own children. Slightly younger than where you are now, we left a family event after he hurt our DD. The rest of the family thought we were being very precious. But we felt that we were teaching our DD that she had to put up with poor behaviour if it was "family" or "he couldn't help it" or whatever. He has never physically hurt her again..... Behaviour of that sort is simply not tolerated at our house and he is removed if its attempted.

We have a few additional boundaries in place now as well. And some things we do to make ourselves feel better.

Your priority is your children, not your nephew. And sorry if your sil can’t find care then she/her partner look to change hours or jobs to suit what they need. They should not be relying on you

If you husband wants to help his sister then he does so at her house, not yours

it is simply not fair on your children

I imagine she will have found it hard to find childcare if he behaves like this and the after school wrap around care won't take him either.
Where is his dad in all of this?

I agree with the suggestions that DH needs to take nephew to his house and explain why to SIL. It is not ok for him to disrupt your household and if he cannot listen to boundaries as these haven't been set, then he cannot come to yours.

If it were me i would be ending the marriage. Also if he only puts a stop to it once HE is the only one affected by it it would speak volumes. That hes only bothered when it only affects him. Not sure i would be able to come back from that

Out of interest, have you tried coming down like a tonne of bricks on your nephew when he's badly behaved?

If I had to have a child who wasn't behaving and who was being violent and screaming in my house, I'd be marching him out of the house into the car and delivering him to his mother at her work as soon as he kicked off.

I feel desperately sorry for your children.
Your husband has decided his nephew is more important than his own children in their own, home and you are going along with it.

This will 100% impact your children and their childhood memories negatively

If you are happy to allow that well and good.
I would be telling your husband he is on his own and the boy is no longer welcome after school as it is negatively affecting your children.

Say no more looking after him. Your husband needs to put his own family first.

It can't carry on really can it. Nephew can't be at your house. Husband needs to sort it out.

Ex Brother in law lives a good couple of hours away. He has been very resistant to accepting the ADHD diagnosis and says it's all due to him not being told no . He doesn't believe in ADHD etc and nephew does not especially like spending time with his dad (usual EoW and half school holidays). I do feel sorry for my nephew that his dad is so resistant to accepting his son's diagnosis and also wonder if he will accept the need for medication. But he also states that their son doesn't behave the same way which could be masking or could be because he doesn't get away with the same shit. Or a bit of both.

My kids care about their nephew but it's because of the impact on them that I am so fed up with this.
@CrispieCake
Nephew isn't a fan of me because of this. I have dealt with him when he was absolutely playing havoc because he didn't want to sit down and eat dinner. Which I said was fine but he couldn't then go and mess around in bedrooms. He could sit downstairs on the sofa and wait for his mum or wait on the stairs for her. I offered it as choices as I'm aware of PDA and not making demands due to our daughter (she isn't PDA but has tendancies) He didn't want that and screamed at me and punched me. His mum was there and didn't intervene. He will literally climb all over her as she's trying to eat and she doesn't say a word or will try and cajole him into sitting down. The time he bit my husband was when my husband picked him up to remove him from the room after he tried to throw food at my mum during a birthday meal. Our daughter was really upset and this changed her opinion on her cousin a lot.

I feel sorry for my nephew and my sister in law but I'm feeling a bit like she's opting out of doing the hard bit of parenting. Nobody expects kids with additional needs and sometimes it's really shit. But you also can't just throw up your hands and not deal with the issues that are there. I'm glad she paid for him to be diagnosed rather than wait forever for CAMHS but that can't be the end of it and she can't not put boundaries in because of his ADHD because in the long term it's not helping him or her. I am very worried he is going to seriously hurt someone and it won't be my kids.

Husband has agreed to take nephew to his own house to wait there until sil is back from.work. Now just have to hope our kids understand that their dad is doing this to help out his sister and not rejecting them on those days

I've been against it from the off and it's caused an argument during the day when kids at school. Husband feels very guilty as his sister is a single parent and is struggling and finds it hard to say no.

Why are you even making this an issue for yourself. He sounds violent and dangerous, it doesn’t matter that he has adhd. Stop giving both of them a free pass to endanger all of you. Find your voice and use it. Your SIL needs to find some solution and that isn’t your problem to burden yourself with. Are you really putting your own child at risk, to people please your SIL and husband? This is ridiculous.

So your husband puts this child before his own children and you still want to tip toe around the situation? . He punched you! Fgs both you and your husband are failing your own kids by allowing this child to rule your house.
Make this your husband’s problem completely and tell your SIL why. Let’s see how long he chooses to stay in the middle when it’s him solely having to deal with this behaviour. And if he chooses that then how do you stand by accepting that he’s spending time doing childcare elsewhere not for his own children?