To not like my nephew

[HobnobsChoice]

I have a nephew who is the same age as my own son. They are at the same school in fact. I also have an older child with autism. I have ADHD as does my nephew. Nephew is my sister in law's child. And I'm afraid I just don't like him very much. He obviously really struggles due to his ADHD and I do have empathy as it is hard work. However his mother has never ever put a boundary in place of any sort. At his diagnosis appointment he was screaming and throwing things and the psychiatric said when my SiL gave nephew her phone and he stopped that nephew has learned how to use negative behaviour to get what he wants and that she has to stop rewarding the negative behaviour. That same week he smashed up his own tablet and then sister in law's phone by throwing them on frustration. She then bought herself a new phone and bought him one.

My son is scared of his cousin, not all the time but when he holds his fist in his face because he is angry my lad gets very anxious and no longer wants to play. My nephew then screams more and his mum doesn't say no or tell him he has frightened his cousin. Nephew has recently bitten my husband, punched me, hurt the cleaner by making a trap for her to walk into (and she is pregnant) and thrown things ranging from his tablet to pens to Lego to a small chair when he is angry.
I'm finding it hard to know where the ADHD stops and where not being ever told no starts. Nephew tried to push his mum down the stairs recently and has taken to shaking his fist on her face and saying "I will smack you if you don't do x' which to my mind is manipulation not impulsive but she still doesn't draw a line.

My husband feels stuck in the middle as we have somehow ended up picking up nephew from school as he has been asked to leave the wrap around provision. I feel on edge the whole time he is here. Our own kids find the screaming and throwing on their home quite hard to manage but are quite tolerant until the threats start.

I just don't like him any more. If he was any other kid he wouldn't come in our house after hitting me but it's hard as he is a relative and his mum is a single parent (she also has ADHD). My husband says he can't say no to his sister and I feel that she's just making it someone else's problem. Nephew is due to start medication soon but that will largely depend on if he will even take it and it's not a magic bullet

I'm so fed up and it's starting to damage our marriage. Am I being unreasonable to not want him to be in our house for hours after school twice a week

Too bad the cleaner didn't press charges. He's assaulted you and harmed a pregnant woman. Your kids don't have a safe place even in their home. WTF.

Time for you to set a boundary of no more nephew in your home and your husband can leave if he doesn't like it.

OP - I've PMed you. But just to say I know that other posters really want to be helpful, but the ties of family and the complex relationships make it difficult.

I do think that you need boundaries. And it's okay if your nephew doesn't particularl like you. I am the "strict" one. Interestingly, we get on better these days. I think he's learning that I am stricter, but fair and also that I will 100% give him the praise and support he needs when it's appropriate. One of the downsides of SIL is that she's so ground down by all of this that if he's "behaving" she is too exhausted to even acknowledge that. So me and Dh make a big effort to really praise him for his efforts and when things do go well. And I actively look for opportunities to reward or priase him, even if it's just for "silly" things.

At home, we've told him that he can't go into our DC's bedrooms if they say no. and that at his house, the same rule would apply. It's not perfect, but it is working.

When he goes on and on about something, or turns the volume up on his ipad. I try to see that he's looking for attention. So instead of losing it, I'll go in and tell him to stop. Firmly if necessary. But I always make a point of thanking him for doing it, in the moment and again a bit later. Basically, on some small level, we're trying to show him the benefits of positive behavoiur because he's never ever been taught this.

OP and her children shouldn't have to leave their own house because of the violent nephew. OPs DH should take the child to his sister's house and mind him there until his sister gets home.

If my nephew punched me, he wouldn't set foot in my house again.

How bloody spineless are you??

Great that your DH will take nephew home to his house.

You and your DH should also voice your opinion when your sister-in-law refuses to admonish her son when he is violent to you. You both need to help her have the balls to insist he has his phone taken, needs to apologise and goes to his room to calm down. (or whatever course of action is best)

Long term, it is better that your SIL has a strategy for when her son is violent; better for all your children too.

Hope the medication works wonders and nephew is allowed back into child care.

temporarily if possible DH can pick his nephew up and you can pick your son up separately . DH can take the boy to the park or his sisters house while you go home.

It must be very difficult for your SIL and its likely she’s having to pick and choose her battles to avoid constant negativity. More importantly you and DH both need to advocate for your son. Tell sil you son is frightened and childcare is not workable, can they get childminder?

the medication can really help once the dose is correct.

often adhd is comorbid with other diagnosis, so there might be a fuller diagnosis yet to come.

Your nephew sounds vile and his mother useless.

Well done for putting your foot down.

putting in boundaries might look different to what you expect, there will be recommended strategies for ADHD and it’s best your SIL has professional input.

SiL won't say no to her child, your DH won't say no to his sister and you won't say no to your husband. Start modelling the behaviour you want to see!

Sounds like they both have issues saying no - perhaps worth encouraging SIL to get some therapy for herself to explore why she feels unable to say no. DH may be kind in supporting her but he is also enabling her poor parenting - if she didn't have him she'd have to sort herself out so he could go back to some form of wraparound care.

I think DH should be having a serious word and telling her that her permissive approach is damaging her child and will affect his life opportunities in future if she can't get a grip and set boundaries. Obviously worth thinking through in advance how to address this sensitively, but the poor boy moving between what sounds like two very different parenting approaches from mum and dad must be struggling just from that.

This

Oh gosh OP.

My best friend and her son (similar to your DN) moved in with us after a nasty breakup. He is the same age as my son, I think they were 13 at the time.

We had known them since the kids were 2 years old.

Her son started to threaten mine and becoming violent and aggressive. He was physically much bigger. We only realised how bad it was when my son was constantly at other friends' houses to avoid him.

I put my foot down and told my friend to move out. I said that my son deserves to feel safe in his own house and this was not on. She had lived with us for 9 months by then. Tbh, the friendship never really recovered and I'm not sad about it.

BUT, the point of my story is, we accidently did untold damage to my son. This was another thing we did, helping other people, and not realising we were not there for out son. He feels let down by us and rightly so. We were meant to keep him safe and we didn't.

We learned an incredibly difficult, awful lesson and are still dealing with the repercussions. Trying to undo these things with your kids later is a long hard struggle. Don't be me. You have no idea what damage this does to your children and this will only manifest later as it has done with my son now.

He‘s 7! Below the age of criminal responsibility in the UK!

Well done OP.
He should not be allowed enter your home again.
He is violent.
Your SIL has opted out of parenting and that is not on your children to bear the brunt of.

Your children will come back in later years to you about their resentment of your inaction if you do not protect them.

Keep reminding yourself of that because it is the truth.

He's 7 for pity's sake. His mother is not doing a good job of managing his ADHD and he's probably extremely confused. That doesn't excuse the behaviour at all, but let's just dial it back a bit.

Ditto saying the cleaner should have gone to the police. Bloody hell people.

Family dynamics are complicated. I'm sure OP's dh wants to support his sister and his nephew.

Some additional boundaries are not a bad thing, and certainly I've often found that I am the one saying "No" firmly to DN while SIL just sort of stands there ignoring the poor behaviour. But kicking a 7 year out forever? come on.

"My husband says he can't say no to his sister"
The sister who can't say no to her son? Bit of a family trait going on there! A trait I'd be pointing out to your husband - 'your sister has damaged her son by CHOOSING not to say no to him, you are damaging your marriage and your relationship with your own children by CHOOSING not to say no to your sister'.

"Husband has agreed to take nephew to his own house to wait there until sil is back from.work. Now just have to hope our kids understand that their dad is doing this to help out his sister and not rejecting them on those days"
That at least contains the physical problem of your nephew's behaviour and restores your home to a safe haven for your children, but as you rightly point out, it introduces the new problem of your children seeing their father prioritise their aggressive cousin over them. Their cousin's aggression could be seen by your children as being rewarded with their dad's attention. This risks them trying out aggression as a way to recover their father's attention. Can your husband really not see that?

"My husband says he can't say no to his sister and I feel that she's just making it someone else's problem. "
My opinion only, but I think your SIL needs to hit rock bottom, in the way an alcoholic needs to, before she will take steps to actually meet her son's needs. For as long as she is able to make her son someone else's problem, she seems able to sweep it all under a mental carpet. In truth, your husband is NOT helping his sister; his aid is merely facilitating her behaviour. As such, his not saying no is actively harming his nephew and his sister. All your husband is doing is prolonging the agony. Do you think he'd be receptive to that point? That by not saying no to her, he is causing her and his nephew actual harm?

Thanks for the replies especially those who understand how tricky family dynamics are and also that 7 year olds cannot be charged with assault (🙄).
DH is going to have a big serious talk with his sister and tell her she needs to get on a parenting course and actually do what is suggested. Several of their family members have commented on the lack of discipline and bounds. It's not just me being harsh to her.
Im not massively hopeful she will be receptive to it but something might sink in. As a person I do like her but she is setting up her son and her self for so much more trouble in the future. Through my job I see the outcomes for boys with ADHD and no real rules and it's very scary. She's risking him seriously hurting her or someone else or getting involved in criminal activity. It's really hard to get through to her that you can say no and that a kid with ADHD needs boundaries and clear rules to live by as his own judgement of what is suitable is skewed. Hell I'm an adult with ADHD and find it hard to know what to do sometimes unless it's spelled out for me. It's tough being a single parent (I was raised by one) and tough when there's neuro issues going on but you can't just nope out on the tricky parts.

Kindly OP, I would also point out that things are likely to get a lot worse as he grows.

There is likely to be a lot of drama to come.
Do you want to be in the midst of it?
You and your children in the middle of this?
Your children growing up with stress and drama on a loop in their lives?

Step away now with them.
Your husband can decide his own boundaries.
But you can tell him you are now stepping away completely and are putting your children, their safety, peace and childhood first.

I can guarantee you, that into the near future you will be so grateful you did.

There is no way your sister in law is going to step up.
This is going to be a story of a child failed by lazy selfish parenting.

Your responsibility is to keep uours safe and protective.