To be sick of people having a go at me for not helping with mothers care ?

[Inaglassbowl]

My mother was abusive to me , I’m NC and have been for years.

On the past few months I’ve had my siblings constantly asking me to help with her care. They are ‘burnt out’ and as I live nearest I should be helping apparently. Multiple other reasons why they think I should.

Bumped into a family friend and a neighbour of my mothers recently and they both asked why am I not helping that my siblings have voiced to anyone who will listen that they need my help and I’m refusing.

Ive made it very clear not to ask me anymore, that I won’t be changing my mind. I don’t care. I don’t want any part of it. They keep asking, begging. I’ve made my reasons clear as well? AIBU to think they need to back off ?

You can't make them back off. You can accept that they won't, or you can go low/no contact with them.

Probably will have to do that. Ive made it really clear and they keep asking. I know they are burnt out but they need to arrange professional care.

It annoys me as she already took so much and now she’s ruining my relationships with others .

Would you feel able to say I'm no contact for a reason. I owe the woman who abused me nothing

I have said this. Nobody (except my siblings) believe it as she comes across as ‘nice’ but even my siblings keep telling me I need to put it aside and help and if I can’t do it for her do it for them . I just can’t.

I dread the day it comes to this with my mum as no doubt I’ll be vilified as well. I take the same stance as you, why would I help someone who had been detrimental to me all of my days? She’s never done anything to help me in my times of struggle, if anything made them worse. I won’t even start on her abusive side the woman’s vile.

I think saying something along the lines of ‘I have not been in contact with her for a long time due to personal reasons and I’m giving her the same care she gave me’ might help. Or you could tell the neighbours if they’re so concerned they can step up as you won’t be.

There's no reason you should.
The fact she needs help now doesn't erase what she did.
You could say to your sisters that you don't care what she needs now and if they mention her again, and dont stop bitching about you to other people then you will have to stop all contact with them too.

You could try saying I won’t be able to give her the level of care she needs due to feelings towards her? It’s in everyone’s best interests that I don’t force myself to care for my abuser.

You’re not unreasonable at all. I’m glad you’ve posted on here, because it’ll do you good to hear people saying that you’re not unreasonable. You won’t be able to change the minds of those who think you should be doing something. You just have to ignore them.

What is upsetting me is that it’s coming between me and my siblings. It’s like the last thing she’s going to ruin and it’s making me angry .

She’s really really hard work and I know they will be feeling immense pressure, apparently she said she will refuse carers that aren’t her children but I’ve told them they need to tell her there’s no choice .

Sounds like she’s very controlling with your siblings as well. They need to put the foot down and say well it’s carers or you go without any help until we’re available. They need to stop enabling her behaviour as well.

It's a tough one.

My DSis is NC with DM who's beginning to need care now. There are four siblings so we can manage without her, but she's offered to help financially or indirectly with the paperwork. Anything outside of the house.

OP is there nothing you feel able to do? For us we're certainly in it together despite all having our issues with DM. I don't expect my sister to compromise her boundaries at all, but is mucking in with all she's able to.

I would be inclined to say that they are minimising what she did to you at best, gaslighting you at worst.

If they want to support you, they don’t have to care for her either, she can go into a home.

Sounds like you mum has done a number on them as well, but that’s up to them to deal with.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a poll that’s 100% one way, btw, which tells you all you need to know.

Best of luck, OP.

I sympathise OP and know how difficult someone like this can be. Its also heartbreaking when it breaks up siblings. Even more frustrating when the person in question refuses to let anyone other than family into the house. I don't know your circumstances, but some thoughts.

Why are your siblings burnt out? Has your mum has a social services review? Is she getting all professional help available? Is she refusing help other than from your siblings? Does your mum actually have capacity to refuse additional support? Is home the best setting for her? You may not know the answers, but they are ones to ask your siblings.

This is what I was thinking OP. Is there any way you can help your siblings without having contact with your Mum, or doing anything directly for her? That would at least help maintain your sibling relationships.

Tell her she’ll go into a home as its best all round.

I don’t blame you OP for not wanting to do it. I cared for my mum and it was very hard, mentally and physically, and she wasn’t even abusive, so god knows it would be too difficult for someone you hate.

You are doing the right thing. She abused you as a child and no-one should expect you to step up and provide elderly care to her now.

Did she abuse your siblings as well?

Of course you don't need to put it aside. Abusers have to live with the consequences of their actions

Can you offer support to your siblings in any way?

Caring is difficult so maybe offering to do things for them could ease their burden a bit. Cleaning/cooking/dog walks etc. If you want to and have the ability that is.

Do your siblings know the type and extent of her abuse? Did they witness it, did they experience the same? If they did, tell them to fuck off. If they didn't, tell them to fuck off.

If they know and understand the abuse you experienced and yet still expect you to put yourself out for her then i suggest they aren't the best people to have relationships with.

If you think they don't understand then make them.

Do you feel you can help them help her? Or is the principal too much?

I get it OP. None of us should feel obliged to care for parents imo.

You are under no obligation to help her and anyone who thinks you should can F off.
IF you want to help your siblings though perhaps you could do some admin tasks that don't involve contact with your mother?
If you don't want to do that though its entirely your choice

You are not being unreasonable at all. Clealy she is still abusing your siblings. I don't think walking their dogs so your mother can continue to drain all of you would help anyone.

Do you have the kind of relationship where you can say to your sibs "you know I am refusing to offer care because she was so abusive to me. I am sad to see she is now abusing you and bullying you into doing too much. I wish you would protect yourselves by setting better boundaries and insisting she has professional care. I think it would be so much better for you."

I know they are burnt out but they need to arrange professional care

You're right, they do
"D"M may well try to refuse it initially, but if they step right back until she comes around that should help (and cries of "Ooooo we couldn't do that" would be their choice to make)

Under the circumstances you're not unreasonable at all to stay no contact, but if you wanted to support the siblings is there anything like documentation you could help with - in other words something that would take some of the weight off them but not involve seeing her?

Typo