To be sick of people having a go at me for not helping with mothers care ?

[Inaglassbowl]

My mother was abusive to me , I’m NC and have been for years.

On the past few months I’ve had my siblings constantly asking me to help with her care. They are ‘burnt out’ and as I live nearest I should be helping apparently. Multiple other reasons why they think I should.

Bumped into a family friend and a neighbour of my mothers recently and they both asked why am I not helping that my siblings have voiced to anyone who will listen that they need my help and I’m refusing.

Ive made it very clear not to ask me anymore, that I won’t be changing my mind. I don’t care. I don’t want any part of it. They keep asking, begging. I’ve made my reasons clear as well? AIBU to think they need to back off ?

A mentally competent person can't be made to go into a home, even if they're really too frail physically to cope well.

If they’re burnt out it has to come between you and them because they need help and you can offer it (not saying if you should or not). I’d probably feel the same but get why you can’t help

Very occasional emotional abuse , I had constant emotional and physical abuse. I answered back and fought back against the emotional abuse and that’s why I had physical abuse too.

I'm very sorry to hear that. She sounds dreadful. Please don't feel guilty about refusing to provide any care for her.

It is your siblings' choice to help her. They could say no too and then your mum would have to accept help from outside agencies. They have no right to put pressure on you and try and make you feel guilty. Stick to your guns.

They did but I know they would have been scared and unable to do anything at that point I don’t blame them at all

I wasn't suggesting they should have done anything, rather did/do they have any understanding of what you went through.

Not that it matters, you have no obligation to do anything to help.

I won’t be doing my mums care and she knows this . She was a terrible mother and I’m going to return the favour .

I don't blame you at all OP.

As several other posters have said caring for a frail parent is difficult, even with the best of relationships. You don't have to hang about on the Elderly parents board for long to see people completely burnt out from high care requirements by a parent who refuses to accept anyone else but family as carers.

So I'll tell you what people in these cases get told and you can pass this on to your siblings. You can only give so much before there is nothing left. You have a family, a job and life outside of your parents care needs. Request a carer's assessment by the local social services - this is assessing the carer, not the caree, and therefore doesn't involve them, but it will help bring into clarity how much the carer is doing, how much care the caree needs and what is available to assist the carer. Often just speaking about their commitment to someone outside the family can be an eye-opening experience and can motivate them to tell the caree just how much they can offer, with the difference being made up in other ways. You can guarantee the caree won't like it. But it often comes down to this is what I can offer - it's this or nothing as I'm driving myself into the ground.

This is rarely a happy time, even with the best relationships, but bring in a past abusive relationship and all bets are off.

Tell those who criticise you - You have no idea what I went through at the hands of my mother. I could have my revenge now she's frail and elderly, but I choose to be the bigger person and stay clear.

You can sign post your siblings to social services and other organisation who can help. Give them permission to step away if they want to.

Someone drew my attention to this on reddit recently. Not sure if you can relate. I can!

*Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.*

If your siblings want to martyr themselves, it’s up to them.

Random neighbours should be told that it’s none of their concern.

Just tell people that your mother was abusive to you as a child and this is why you won't help. It should shut them up, you don't need to give details.

Tell your siblings they need to contact adult social services and cite carer burnout and request an urgent assessment. They will destroy themselves otherwise, with or without you. Stepping back will be their best option, not dragging you down too.