To think that people who are obsessed with “toxic positivity” are just incapable of dealing with real emotions?

[ThisPeppyRoseBiscuit]

Life isn’t always about “good vibes only.” Sometimes it’s about sitting in the mess and learning to deal with it.

Yep. Toxic positivity is still an avoidant attachment.

Yes, I know a psychotherapist who is like this. I'm not a patient, but he does help people in another outside work role and he constantly makes excuses for the bad behaviour of others, even when it's bullying. It completely invalidates your experience. I don't know how his clients cope with him. He turns everything you say, to talk about himself as well 🙄

I know people who lap up influencers who post this shite and they are all avoidant! They just go round in circles never talking about real life just being #blessed they can afford another holiday or #bekind while they show off to make others feel bad about their lives not being as glam.

I’ve never heard of it. I can’t keep up with all these buzz phrases. They boggle my mind.

Anyhow, I googled it and it sounds exhausting. We have a motto at work that positivity doesn’t breed positivity. Far from it. Being/feeling negative is valid, cathartic, quite often fun, and it’s a brilliant way of self soothing.

I don't know what you mean by toxic positvity but it sounds like pop psychology

I live with the most positive man on the planet. He has an amazing life all because he is SO positive. Everything is good in his life because he manifests positivity. His 'friends' on social media see how wonderfully positive and such a good positive role model he is.

I see every other side of him. He is avoidant and does not communicate for days at a time when he is in a not so positive place but social media portrays a different life to the one he has. He only rents a room off me so I don't care either way as it does not impact my life but he spouts positivity and positive vibes so much you would think it was a written prescription. Maybe it is his one. Doesnt always work though.

Agree! You need a bit of catharsis once in a while. The trick, like everything in life is balance, endless negativity and whining is draining and counterproductive.

WTF is "toxic positivity"?

[No, I can't be bothered to google it.]

How does it differ from Pollyanna playing the "glad game"?

It doesn't, really

Things like
"well I can't complain about my chronic pain because other people have it much worse"

"you can't say you're starving hubgrry, what about all the children going through a famine? You're much better off than them"

"you can't complain about the NHS delays because you're not paying for it at the point of treatments"

Trying to force people to be positive all the time, stiff upper lip mentality. It's as stupid a behaviour as toxic masculinity - boys don't cry, can't like unicorns, must be the man of the family type tropes.

Sometimes you need a good fucking moan.

It doesn't strike me as something a person could genuinely keep up long term. There's a lot of faking with people that do this.

What's your AIBU?

See also word salad, such as:
"You have within you the most abundant power known to man - free yourself from your mind and let yourself fly - no one else knows your power!"

Toxic negativity sucks the life out of everyone. Toxic positivity makes you want to smash their teeth in. I like toxic neutrality. 🤣.

Oh my gosh - do you think the ‘stiff upper lip’ angle is quite common in say middle class south east England (london?)

As this whole concept of ‘fine really’ describes some of my friends and indeed my line manager and is so frustrating that I essentially give up trying to communicate. I was wondering if (yes yes massive generalisation incoming) I am from a culture where a good moan and forensically analysing the issues with something is a national sport.

The work manager clearly finds me annoying too that I can’t just ‘go along with stuff’ even though there is a national mandate for change in our processes (civil service) and getting down to what the issues are (many) in order to provide an effective service is the first thing I think we need! (I’m not just a massive whinger honest).

I'm reading The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman. He talks about this stuff. It's v good so far.

I find people who are 'fake positive ' slightly creepy, like brainwashed zealots of a cult religion. I have a colleague like this. While she can be very kind and no doubt means well, I find it awful when she does it to me about my chronic illness. Like no amount of positive thinking is going to take my physical pain away.

It's kind of like gaslighting. It invalidates your experience and sort of blames you for not being happy happy.

I'm with Oliver Burkeman and the stoics.

I agree to a point with this thread, sometimes you need to deal with the crap in a healthy way to move forward. Can’t always put a band aid on it.

However the opposite of this is the ‘vulnerable narcissist’ who's all me and my issues, me and my self awareness, me and my work im doing on my self, me and my attachment style, me needing to express myself and feeling to anyone who will listen, inner child, shadow work! Blah blah blah!

I felt so fed up the other week that I laid on my bed and sobbed like a baby (no one else around so was not alarming). It felt good. Very cathartic. Then I went to bed early and was able to get up the next day and start fixing the actual shit that led to the sobbing.

I hate toxic positivity

I lived with a friend like this. If I ever said I was coming down with a cold she'd chirp "No you're not! Just tell yourself you aren't and it'll go away! 😁"

In case you're wondering, she did get colds.

It's crept into schools INSET for staff... 🙄All a tick box activity for Ofsted. Staff Wellbeing? Tick. Done that.

I agree OP.
Dont get me wrong, I also don’t like being around people who are constantly negative and complain ALL the time but if a friend or a colleague needs a rant to get something off their chest, I’m always happy to listen. And sometimes, someone just wants to be told “I understand why you’re so pissed off, I would be too”

I enjoy being pessimistic. Where does that leave me?

Oh my god, this!! I so agree with you!

Sometimes, you just need to let it out. I have find that if I try to think my way out of a bad situation- I.e. if someone else has really hurt me, I ruminate and ruminate and that turns in to anxious thoughts. Whereas if I just accept it sucks and have a good cry about it, I usually feel much better. Like you, I tend to do my crying alone but I prefer it that way. I usually feel drained but a little lighter afterwards

I used to work with someone who was positive to a level I see as toxic positivity. My dad had just been diagnosed with dementia, and my son was struggling to attend school due to anxiety. I was working two jobs. She was forever telling me to ‘cheer up’ and ‘look on the bright side’. If I didn’t have some good colleagues around me who ‘allowed’ me to vent I’m not sure what the long term impact would have been on my mental health, because I did start to think maybe I’m just a miserable cow. I few years later she started to struggle with her mental health, partly because she couldn’t keep up all those ‘good vibes’. Life can be tough- a way of getting through that is by allowing yourself to recognise it can be, and feel sad if needed. We need to let ourselves feel the bad as well as the good.

I always think worse case scenario, that way I am prepared for everything

I also like being miserable and hate fun. So theres that as well