To think that people who are obsessed with “toxic positivity” are just incapable of dealing with real emotions?

[ThisPeppyRoseBiscuit]

Life isn’t always about “good vibes only.” Sometimes it’s about sitting in the mess and learning to deal with it.

@soupyspoonand @Doggard you both sound like my kind of people 😆

It's written in the title

Yes. I was physically assaulted the day after George Floyd was killed. A few days later I logged on to a community group I was attending at the time, where another group member - someone known for being rather sanctimonious - told me that she thought it was in bad taste for me to ‘dwell on my own misfortune and forget my privilege at a time like this’. I wasn’t badly hurt, but I was in shock and fragile and she took that opportunity to parade her ‘right on’ credentials at my expense. These people don’t just hurt themselves, they hurt others, and I’ve no time for them. For what it’s worth, I think they rarely care about these ‘bigger issues’ all that much. If they did they’d be too busy doing something meaningful rather than using them as sticks to beat others with.

Agree totally... I would recommend this book: Smile Or Die: How Positive Thinking Fooled America and the World: Amazon.co.uk: Ehrenreich, Barbara: 9781847081735: Books

I find it hard when people try to force me to avoid my difficult feelings and focus on the positives. You need to feel your feelings to move through them otherwise they stay with you and become toxic. Just because I am feeling those “negative” feelings doesn’t mean I am being unhealthy - after the initial kick of the feeling happens I am able to sit back and understand what has happened - which is incredibly important to avoid reacting in a harmful way. I know many people who won’t let a bad situation feel bad and I think it is harmful.

Wow. Thats awful! Not just the assault but that person reacting to you in that way! WTF is wrong with people?!

Best quote .

Can I join in? I fully appreciated the horror of toxic positivity when my DP died three years ago. It was unexpected and I'm still pretty traumatised. Very quickly I started getting the platitudes and cheer leading. As a direct result of his death, I couldn't sustain my business, my land lord then issued a section 21 as he wanted to sell up, and then just as I tried to relocate both my elderly parents went into a dramatic decline and I'm now trapped until the sadly inevitable happens.

I'm down to about three close friends who will actually talk to me without suggesting if I just think positively I can manifest a bright shiny new start and bounce back.

Don't get me wrong, I don't wallow and weep and wail. I am grateful that I have a just about affordable flat even if it is out of town and my very tight budget means traveling into my old stamping grounds is a bit costly on a regular basis, however, getting any sense of stability and security has been a long slow process.

It's lovely that people want to "encourage" me, but actually it often feels as though I'm being blamed subtly because I haven't achieved heroic things because I'm still really sad, and not grateful enough that things aren't any worse.

So I have ended up isolating myself somewhat, for my own and other people's safety as I get very twitchy when people half my age (56) or in happy relationships or forging ahead with businesses or whatever start telling me how if I just change my mindset and fill a jar full of things I'm grateful for, my life will magically improve. I'll get there, but in my own time thank you very much.

Whenever I meet someone who never has a bad word to say about anyone, I hate them.

There’s such a thing as ‘too sweet to be wholesome.’

God, I haven’t thought of Pollyanna in years. Deep desire to hiss ‘Sometimes it is not OK, and it’s fine to say that.’

Toxic positivity is a mind set where the only legitimate emotion is happiness. At no point is anyone allowed to express anger, disappointment, sadness, doubt. It's pernicious if parents or teachers peddle this nonsense to children
They end up thinking they have anxiety disorders or depression because they think it's wrong to ever feel uncomfortable about something.

My manager is a bit like this lovely woman but it means issues in the team aren't addressed as she white washes it. It leads to frustration as we're told to be positive about lazy crap staff

Search me. I’m not sure it’s necessarily a recent thing, either, because I feel like there have always been people like this. I think in my case she’s just someone who’s fixated on everyone knowing that she’s having the ‘right’ thoughts about things - any current affairs, she’ll aggressively assume the progressive position, but I don’t think she’s terribly good at critical thinking. She doesn’t actually understand very much. Then she has to be the model progressivist in the room, teaching us all how it’s done. The result is quite a cruel person. Anyway, I never went back to that group. What she said bothered me but the fact that no one disagreed was almost worse. I’m not interested in support groups that become platforms for one queen bee.

The "having the right thoughts" thing is really interesting. Obviously there are certain things where there is only one "right thought" such as murder, offences against children, animal cruelty etc. However, when it comes to various causes with societal impact there can be shades of grey and nuance where you can see both sides and the ripple effect in either direction and it's much more difficult to take a stance. I often end up saying nothing about these situations because people demand that one should be on one side or the other, and sometimes in all consciousness I can't pick one with any conviction.

Another thing that gets me is the comparative thing. If an individual has a terrible experience they have experience that us only theirs, and the impact is personal and individual to them, influenced by all sorts if other things, such as upbringing and environment etc. For them it is objectively the worst thing that has happened to them, and they have the right to process it in their own way (obviously there are caveats with that - going postal in Sainsbury's is not helpful).

I feel that chiding them because "others have it worse" is absolutely counterproductive because while yes, that is often true, and one can "know" that while in personal turmoil, it's likely to create feelings of guilt, shame and anger on top of the source of the turmoil. Sometimes people just need a minute, figuratively speaking, to come to terms with what has happened.

At my last workplace you couldn’t express reservations about a new policy or process without being branded as negative or a troublemaker.

Yes I hate the (originally good but rapidly becoming overused) expression 'thought terminating' but I do find a lot of toxic positivity a bit like that. People are often dealing with very complex situations and while keeping positive and stiff upper lip have a place, sometimes people just need acknowledgement that things are really tough.

Agreed.

Totally agree.
Along with constantly telling people they must “move on” or “be the bigger person”.
It’s a coded message to shut up and not talk your real feelings.
Someone suffering will progress as and when they are ready, not in some set short timescale which a brain dead idiot on instagram/ reality telly says is the thing to do.
Also, in truth there are some traumas so awful you never get past them. To be told that you must forgive a perpetrator because “all that hatred is toxic to you” or whatever bollocks is literal insult to injury.
There is a huge amount of toxic positivity in the wellness industry too and many people have copied this.
I had to have words with a friend who started with all of the positive mindset, visualisation stuff when my cancer progressed. I appreciate it was well intentioned but to spout this bollocks unasked for is to put pressure on the person to adopt a pretend cheery demeanour and pretend control over something which is in fact totally awful and out of their control.
I notice that a many people who watch reality telly and follow “influencers” only seem able to speak in cliches and platitudes these days and lots don’t even understand the silly phrases they parrot.

All such shallow shit.

I'm really trying hard not to do the solutions thing and to try to acknowledge people's feelings even if it's uncomfortable. Unless the solution is obvious like when a family member was complaining about how long it took to count words because they hadn't heard of word count.

I've also said this before but the majority of the time when a person is in a state where their emotions are everything and it's the end of the world it's just a temporary state. It will pass, a sense of perspective will come and that won't happen any quicker because of someone's well intentioned platitudes or being told others have it worse.

When I was on dating sites this was one of the things that made me immediately swipe left (no). “Good vibes only” and “not looking for drama” basically say to me I don’t want to hear about to any issues you have, or if I do, I won’t take any responsibility for my part in it!

I was attracted to my DP as his bio mentioned being open and making oneself vulnerable. He suffers from anxiety and depression, and while that is no picnic for either of us at times, it is at least honest and authentic.

When I told a guy I was dating that I hated the whole good vibes only thing he said “oh so what if I say I hate your hair?” That was the exact moment I realised he was a twat!

I agree with @PaintDecisions sometimes we need a good moan.

It is healthy to express our feelings even the less jolly ones. Also, if we can’t talk about things that make us unhappy because there’s people who are worse off, then no one anywhere would ever be able to express unhappiness because they are alive and therefore so much better off than those who aren’t.

Does anyone remember Alex Baldwin’s character in Friends. Even Phoebe had to kick him into touch

The people who say ‘not looking for drama’ are always the ones who create it. They don’t have to look for it - they come with their own hearty supply.

I don't know what you mean by toxic positivity but it sounds like pop psychology

God everything is now though isn’t it? Everything now is overanalysed and picked apart

I'll have some bland neutrality please! Just call me Mrs Magnolia

And not enlarged upon in the OP.