To want to keep trying with the new kittens

[2222thatsme]

We took home 3x 7 month old kittens a month ago from a rescue. We previously had an mature adult cat. We didn't do enough research and totally underestimated the impact of 3x kittens.

I keep having mental wobbles and thinking, "I can't do this." Each time I fall into a bit of depression but eventually come out of it, find a solution to whatever the new challenge is and tell myself, "nope, cats are a commitment".

My husband is doing and saying the same out loud. We're both prone to depression, but his is medicated. However, over the weekend, my husband broke down to his mum about finding it all really hard and not being able to cope. He then admitted to me that he now dreads coming home after work.

The things we're finding hard are:

1. One of the kittens has also had illness during this time, which required trips to a vet far away, which has been an added stress. He's now on the mend.

2. The kittens have destroyed a lot of parts of the house. Not from boredom scratching (they have so many toys including puzzle ones, scratching posts, I try to do interactive play with them when I can). The damage occurs just from them playing together. It's sweet to watch, they're bonded littermates, but through simply playing chase and pounce with each other, they've destroyed furniture and curtains. I started to price up buying replacements for the damaged stuff over the weekend, got beyond £1K, then stopped and just cried.

To minimise the destruction we have removed all curtains, rugs, an armchair (replaced it with a massive cat tree), and removed all ornaments.

Yesterday evening, my husband sat down next to me in the living room and said, "the room is cold and echoe-y. I don't like the lack of privacy. I'm going to my office." Five minutes later, he then left the office as it's so overcrowded with our ornaments (it's the only cat free room we can reasonably have, as our kids forget to shut the other doors). He says our house doesn't feel like our house anymore, it feels like a cattery with people inserted into it.

I asked an online cat forum and they recommended Jackson Galaxy. I watched his videos this morning and he said each cat just need 30-45 minutes strenuous play a day. Individual play needed as some cats dominate the play and prevent others getting attention. So for three cats that's 2 hours and 15 minutes play a day. I've managed 15 minutes and then ten minutes play with all three cats so far today, not done separate play yet. They mostly wanted to play chase and pounce with each other.

3. The rest of my life has gone out of the window. I was told at the beginning of the year that I needed to lose weight as my heart health is bad (my dad died young of heart disease so it's a big worry for me). I started a strict diet and exercise routine and lost some weight. This all stopped with the cats, the weight is back on and I'm now stress eating again, although trying not to.

4. Our kids (7 and 9), who are both diagnosed ND or likely ND, recently told me that I never pay attention to the anymore. I've tried to encourage them to join with me in playing with the cats, which occasionally they do and to be fair my 7 year old helped me build a new cat tree for them over the weekend, but mostly they don't want to and ask "can't we do something else?" They're also overwhelmed by the smell and mess, and chose to play in rooms away from the kitchen-diner, where the cats are based. I asked on a parenting ND children forum, and most people said pets helped their ND kids.

5. The house cleaning has gone out of the window, which is another stresser for my husband. He likes a clean, immaculate house, which I never fully achieved, but I used to get close to. Now, there's food, litter and cat toys in lots of places. He's also likely ND and finds it overwhelming. My husband works FT, I work PT (3-6 hours a week, depending on need), so housework falls on me. He is picking up more household chores without me asking, but I can see it's adding to his stress levels.

6. I made some pin money selling secondhand baby clothes, which had the bonus of decluttering the house and helping my husband's anxiety levels. That has also gone by the wayside.

7. I keep forgetting to do stuff. I forgot to get my kid's uniform washed in time for today. I forgot we'd run out of food so couldn't do my son's packed lunch. I forgot the stuff my daughter needed for Brownies. My brain can't seem to remember the previous emotional load.

I can't do it all and at the moment, the cats take up most of my time. I'm suspected to have ADHD alongside depression, so it's an effort for me to focus on a task. Maybe if I could be more productive, then it would be easier. But it's beginning to feel like there isn't enough hours in the day.

So, at the moment I'm saying, lets keep going with the kittens, they'll grow out of it in a year or so, we can do this. But the rest of my family aren't feeling it and are either depressed (my husband) or highly strung (my kids - who pick up on their parents not being ok mentally by becoming more disruptive, fighting more, shouting and screaming more - so I'm trying to manage their behaviours on top of everything else).

My MIL says "get rid of the cats, your and your family's mental health is more important".

Have I made the wrong choice?

Can you get kitty harnesses and take them out for a walk in the garden? Just whilst they're tiny and you want to keep an eye on them outside.

Kittens can be crackers. I got four at once and two were easy and two were bonkers. I kept them in one big room with lots of toys for the first month.

They all piped down at about 8 months.

You can do this.

Thank you for your kind response. I want to make it work and I think I just keep need to tell myself and my family, "this will get easier" and "one day, we'll have curtains and rugs again." 😆

I persuaded my kids to play with the kittens yesterday evening while I sorted washing/took out the bins etc. I came back to my son saying they wouldn't play and he couldn't work out why but my daughter sitting in the cat tree reading a story to them. I think we all just have a lot of learning to do. My husband went out for the evening and I think is refreshed from having some time to himself.

I do wonder a lot about whether other people are just more relaxed and maybe don't do everything that's advised. We have neighbours with dogs and they let them wander out into the road, leave them barking in the garden and just ignore them and get on with their lives. Yet, everyone says they're great dog owners. Maybe we just need to chill out as a family.

Ok, I've ordered Rogz quick release collars with tags and I'll start letting them out next week (we're away this weekend but have two cat-owning friends coming to entertain and look after the kittens).

So, the curtains are not made from expensive silk. They are made from heavy duty material with blackout lining. And cost £390 to replace apparently (wtaf? - they were £200 four years ago). I was expecting some clawing but the kittens did this.

So we took these curtains and any other long curtains around the house down. I hoping we can put them back up in the future.

The kittens aren't scratching from boredom. They're just playing chase and run up curtains. And the curtains can't take their weight, I guess. They've bounced off armchairs and table tops and there's tears and deep scratches in these too.

Our previous cat, who was admittedly mature, did scratch, well really mostly just knead/make biscuits. I have blankets and bits of the same armchair with pulls on them to contend that. It's the level of damage that has thrown me a bit.

Thank you, that's really kind. I want to.

I'd love to post photos but I'm scared the rescue and foster carer will recognise them 😬.

I feel bad complaining, the kittens had a rough start to life and the foster carer did so, so much work into raising them. She wanted them to go to a loving home, and I am trying every day to give the cats love, positive reinforcement, strokes and give them that home, but also balancing everybody else's needs in the home.

They're cute kittens just being kittens. I just didn't realise I (nor my family) would feel so much overwhelm and for everything to change so much.

I can tell you they are adorable, and don't look that far from Puss in Boots with their big eyes.

But OP, you're not coping with them at all and have quite obviously taken on more than you can manage.
Kittens need more interaction than "aiming for an hour a day with them"
I think you got carried away at the rescue centre with the cuteness of tiny kittens, and now reality has kicked in.

Ok noted. I guess you know your own cat and can see when they're ready. I might let out gradually at 5 weeks and see how we go.

No, the plan is for them to have access to outdoors, just not yet.

Sounds like we just have normal kittens.

Thank you. Maybe I am just overthinking and being anxious. I asked on a cat forum and most people said they play with their kittens for 5-6 hours a day. I kept thinking of the thousands of people with kittens, surely most of them have jobs and kids and not a free 5-6 hours a day. Then I watched Jackson Galaxy and he said 2 1/4 hours a day, so I tried that but was only realistically managing 1 hour of play a day. Then I panicked and thought, crap I can't do this on top of everything else.

Yes, I will start letting them out in a week when I can do it gradually and consistently.

The plan is they shouldn't have the run of the house. They should just have the kitchen-diner and the living room, if others are in there. Our old mature cat had the run of the house but we're struggling to cat proof the rest of the house to the level needed for kittens, which wasn't necessary with out mature cat. However, restricting them is the plan, but in reality I'm struggling to get it to work because my children regularly forget to close the required doors. My daughter, bless her, wanders around in a daydream (she's like Luna Lovegood) and my son is usually focussed on a special interest. Both happy in their own headspace, but oblivious to their surroundings and totally unable to remember things like keep this door shut or make sure if you shut this door the cats are on the correct side. I think the constant door monitor role I've taken on is taking over my life and my headspace.

Yes, this mornings playtime was a mixture of getting them to chase the wand and then playing fetch with all the numerous toys they have, trying to work out which they prefer. Crisps packets are a good idea, thank you. This morning, two of the cats went after the same spring toy (despite the fact they have three) and kept wrestling for said toy, one wanted the cat nip pilllows to use as a kicker. They chased balls with bells through their tunnels and i kept kicking those around at the end of the play session while I made myself a cup of tea before doing some household chores.

Yes, completely litter trained although we occasionally (maybe every few days) find a poo elsewhere. Which I then put into a litter box, then thoroughly clean that area to stop them re-pooing there.

That is in the back of my head. They are still cute kittens with added adoption appeal. Something to consider, thank you.

I think I want to cope though and I don't want to give up on them. Others who asked for the kittens on the adoption post had children, and younger children in a lot of cases. So many of our friends had kittens with younger children. I feel like I (and my family) just aren't trying hard enough.

I didn't get carried away with the cuteness. I mean they are cute, but so was out mature cat, she was stunningly cute. They also look almost like adult cats, they're not tiny kittens. I thought, we've had a cat before, we know how to do cats. I asked the rescue at our interview is there anything else we need to know and were told make sure you have lots of toys and no lily plants. So I did both of those things.

Then I googled, why are our cats destroying our curtains and furniture, and once I got past the, are they bored test? I realised they're just full of energy and bouncing off stuff while attached with claws.

Each time I try to find a solution to a challenge, but my MIL's comments threw me. I don't want to prioritise the cats over my husband and kids - that's wrong - but I also want us to cope with this like every other household with kids manages to cope with kittens - hence asking on Mumsnet, which I presume if full of people who have children.

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The plan is they shouldn't have the run of the house. They should just have the kitchen-diner and the living room, if others are in there. Our old mature cat had the run of the house but we're struggling to cat proof the rest of the house to the level needed for kittens, which wasn't necessary with out mature cat. However, restricting them is the plan, but in reality I'm struggling to get it to work because my children regularly forget to close the required doors. My daughter, bless her, wanders around in a daydream (she's like Luna Lovegood) and my son is usually focussed on a special interest. Both happy in their own headspace, but oblivious to their surroundings and totally unable to remember things like keep this door shut or make sure if you shut this door the cats are on the correct side. I think the constant door monitor role I've taken on is taking over my life and my headspace.

These are three kittens who have bundles of energy and aren't yet allowed outside.
Containing them to just one room - or two if someone is in there - really isn't workable long term, even when they are allowed outside.
It's not really fair on the kittens, now or in the future.

Fair enough, you have a very valid viewpoint.

I don't know exactly why, it's partly guilt about giving animals up, but I stubbornly don't want to give up. Nor do my kids when you ask them, they apparently love the kittens when I suggest we consider giving them back to the rescue. I've even caught my husband chatting to them and sitting with one on his lap on the sofa, although there's no denying the state of the house is severely affecting him.

Why am I putting the kittens first? That's a good question. Some of it is that belief that you don't give up on animals and that they're currently the most defenceless, needy beings in the house.

Maybe I'm a bit delusional. I want us to be that normal family that just gets on with things and faces challenges with a solution-finding head, rather than a "I can't cope with this" head. I hear our neighbours kids playing in the garden without their parents interacting with them in any way for hours, sometimes they're not even home but a teenage sibling is upstairs. In the same time my kids have had meltdowns and/or asked to be played with by me and my husband at any opportunity. I think I'm delusional and wanted a family members who are independent and are resilient, and I have neither. And instead I'm being stubborn and wanted something for myself, which is selfish. I love cats, I loved our previous cat, I always thought, one day when I'm older and have my own house I'll have cats. And the reality is, I can't and that's something I'm not willing or grown up enough to admit. Or at least not kittens. We all coped fine with the adult cat.

I have a lot of thinking and self-reflection to do, I think.

Ok, fair enough, I was just taking the previous posters advice. We were just restricting them while they were in this destructive phase. I was hoping they'd grow out of it and we'd get to the happy medium we had with our adult cat.

Pets do initially wreck your home, peeing, pooping, chewing it’s to be expected I think. It can be overwhelming and you do have the puppy/kitten blues? It’s normal.

Did the rescue tell you to keep them to one room
initially and then when you can let them outside? Once they can be trusted you can give them more room.

It'll be worth it, but expect a couple of rough times.

Thank you for taking the time to write out all that advice. It's really helpful to hear from someone with extensive cat-ownership experience.

All the thinking now (I keep being recommended Jackson Galaxy) is that you do play high-intensity games with kittens, and adult cats if willing, until they're panting. Then you stop. I can't seem to get my kittens to panting, they usually play with me for a bit them decide they'd like to play independently or by themselves. They do have a lot of puzzle games at the moment - digger feeder for dry food and puzzle cardboard boxes with treats in - and love those.

Yes, the highly strung-ness worries me. At the moment, anytime someone isn't calm, I remove them away from the kittens. Our mature cat didn't bat an eyelid and would come and sit on the end of my son's bed. She had an amazing calming affect on him. But I'm aware, these kittens need separation and my kids need to know they can't be with the cats if they're struggling to regulate their emotions. My son usually chooses to go to his room anyway. My daughter needs reminding.

Thank you for all the other recommendations. I will go through them and see what we can substitute and use to make thins easier. The cats have claimed the bookcases as climbing frames, so they are now clutter free, which is a bonus.

Thank you for your comment.

Yes, they were restricted to the utility for the first few days. Now they're in the kitchen-diner and occasionally the living room. They're allowed out in three more weeks although I may reduce that to two weeks.

It is kitten blues I think for all of us. They're not even peeing, pooing or really chewing everywhere (they've occasionally chewed on cardboard).

They grew up in a foster house with 8 children and 8-13 other cats, so they're use to noise and children, at least.

People are giving me some really helpful practical advise that I really appreciate.

The thing is, I don't want permission to rehome them. I want to make it work. I wrote the first post straight after the comment I'd had about putting mine and my husband's mental health first, and in quite a negative headspace. Putting all the challenges I was facing down in a list was a bit of an eye-opener and made me realise why I feel overwhelmed.

But my overall feeling is, I want to make this work. And for everyone - cats and humans - to be happy.

Thank you. We all need to get out of a negative headspace, yes.

I'm not sure how to have the furnishings up and not have them completely destroyed, at least not for the time being while the kittens have so much energy. I posted a picture of the damage to one of the pairs of curtains above, and that's just one night's worth. Do your cats do that much damage?

They're not feral. They just have endless energy. They chase each other a lot. And pounce on each other. It's quite cute to watch. But they're dig their claws into anything to get purchase, and we get the backing removed from curtains and deep gorges in any wooden tables/worktops or armchairs tops etc, because of that. They're just kittens with endless energy.

I don't even live in a small house. It's a four bedroom semi with a massive kitchen-diner, the size of our old house's downstairs. That came across quite boastful, sorry, but I'm just trying to say that I don't think we should be struggling this much with the space we have.

Yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I'm focussing all my attention on the cats, either in person playing or hanging out with them, or online trying to work out how to do this right, and this is not allowing me to focus on other tasks (I've just realised I've spent an hour replying to all these comments when I should be cleaning the bathrooms. This is more fun to be fair.)

I've been breaking down tasks into manageable chunks for years. It's the only way I can clean is by having a tick list for each room, and I'm a nightmare for getting distracted. Maybe the adhd diagnosis suggestion isn't that crazy.

You need to rehome - your family sound miserable

I've just realised I've spent an hour replying to comments on this thread and need to stop and get on with the to-do-list as that's where this all started, not having enough time to do everything.

I really appreciate everyone's perspective, both those saying keep with it and those saying rehome. It's given me a lot to think about. And the practical advice from those who have had kittens is invaluable, thank you.

OP, do you have a garden or yard where you could build a catio? Personally I wouldn't let such young cats out to free roam, but now that the weather is getting warmer a nice tall enclosure with a cat tree inside could be perfect for them. Just make sure they have a shady spot in there as well and plenty of water, and don't let outside play become a substitute for interacting with them.

Catios are quite expensive if you buy them pre-made, but my husband does carpentry and joinery as a hobby and he was able to build something for a fraction of the price. If that isn't your thing, try getting a quote from a local carpenter to see if that would be cheaper. Either way, it's got to cost less than repairing and replacing all the things they break!

To a certain extent I think you need to accept that the furniture in any house with three young cats is going to sustain more wear and tear than if you had just one more sedate older cat. My cats are 7 and 5 years old respectively and I still wouldn't have lots of delicate ornaments on display. The 7-year-old is very nimble on her paws and rarely knocks things over, but the 5-year-old is basically a sentient marshmallow and if he decides it's naptime he'll sprawl out on any available surface and send everything flying. We have lots of nice pictures and photos up so the house doesn't look cold or bare at all. So you haven't got that one room that's too cluttered and causing stress, it might be an idea to store any ornaments you're particularly attached to in a box for the time being, then reinstate them in a safe-ish places once your cats have outgrown the kittenish Tasmanian devil phase.

The good news is that this will happen fast and they'll soon be too heavy to mountaineer up curtains. They'll try (and maybe pull one down in the process) but they'll quickly learn they can no longer do it. As young cats they'll still be playful, but much less destructive. In the meantime you need to set a couple of clear boundaries for them. Mine know they're not allowed on kitchen surfaces, for example. When they were kittens I put foil on the worktops to deter them (they hated the rustling it made) and if I saw them up there I would immediately lift them down and say a firm 'No'. You can't make a kitten behave like an older cat and you're only going to get more frustrated and overwhelmed if you try to change all their natural exploratory habits, but some training is important. It's about finding a balance.

P.S. I've just realised that I misread one of your earlier posts and the cats have already been spayed/neutered. In that case, they're probably fine to go out now. They'll burn off a lot of energy exploring the great outdoors!

I hope it all works out.
We’ve always had rescue animals and it’s a good cause to support

My mum had two kittens who used to climb up the curtains but they grew out of it quite quickly.
🤞 for you!

Our local rescue also conned us into taking in a bonded pair of feral litter mates. We were having work done so couldn’t let them out until January (about 4 months after getting them). They immediately stopped destroying the house as soon as they were allowed out! One is out a lot, the other comes and goes We think they’ll be a year old in a couple of weeks.

Another suggestion is buying lots of cheap scratch pads around the house for the cats to use to minimise damage elsewhere. Cats need to scratch and use their claws, that's life. You may still get some damage but they will use the scratching pads if they are there