TTC but boyfriend keeps making a weird “joke” – am I overreacting?

[InteriorLandfowl]

Hi all,

I’m currently TTC with my boyfriend (not married but together a few years, very happy, all planned etc.). However, he’s started making this “joke” lately that’s really freaking me out, and I don’t know if I’m overreacting.

Basically, he keeps saying stuff like, “Once you’re pregnant, you’re trapped with me forever,” or “No going back once there’s a baby.” He always laughs after, but it’s starting to make me feel a bit weird. I know he’s probably just being daft, but it’s giving me the ick, and now I’m second-guessing everything.

For context, he’s never been controlling, and we’ve always had a solid relationship, but something about this is making me uneasy. I don’t know if it’s just my brain going into overdrive because TTC is such a big thing or if I should take it more seriously?

Would love to hear if anyone else has experienced similar or if I’m just overthinking!

TIA x

Maybe he's feeling nervous about the commitment?

Have you told him it's making you feel weird and vulnerable?

I don't think it's a red flag. My partner and I tease each other about being stuck with one another all the time since we bought a house together. We say it because we feel we know the other won't mind being stuck with us, which is why it's a joke.

But if it's making you feel dodgy, you need to tell him.

I'd be having a serious conversation about whether he's ready for parenthood. You will get people saying don't TTC unmarried, but my question would be whether you've thoroughly talked through exactly how this baby will be cared for once it's born, assuming you are not planning to become a SAHP, which would be lunatic? Who handles drop offs and pick ups to childminder/nursery? How are sick days going to be dealt with? How can you both make your jobs flexible enough to be able to care for a child? If you don't know the answer to all this, don't TTC.

Yes, he's projecting a feeling he is having about commitment. Which is perfectly acceptable and normal, this is a big life transition. It's easier for him if the feeling is projected into you, but better if he could resolve it in himself.

Maybe he's just stressing about the magnitude of the situation. It's the biggest commitment you can make as you will effectively be tied together for life through a shared child, even if the relationship collapses.

I could cope with the " no going back" comment. But I would be worried about the " trapped" comment. I would wonder if he is getting a feeling of being trapped himself.
I wouldn't ignore these comments. I would be having a discussion about why he is saying these things because generally speaking things presented as jokes generally are masking real thoughts and feelings.

They sound like his thoughts about himself. Listen to him say it as "I'll be trapped with you forever/you'll be trapped with me forever, are we sure this is what we want?" It's a huge commitment for the rest of your lives. Maybe try having a serious discussion about it when he next brings it up. We had a lot of conversations like this before having children. Are we sure we really want this immense tie between us forever. Imagine the impact. What it will be like in 2, 5, 20 years time. I think it's a difficult conversation to have without sounding like you're doubting your relationship together but it's important to talk honestly.

Yeah, maybe it is just nerves – I hadn’t really thought about it like that. I guess it is a massive thing, so maybe he’s just processing it in a weird way.

I haven’t properly said it’s freaking me out yet, just kind of done the awkward laugh and changed the subject, but I think you’re right – I probably just need to tell him it’s making me feel a bit off. I like the way you put it about knowing the other person won’t mind being stuck together – maybe that is what he means, and I’m just overthinking!

Will try and bring it up next time he says it and see how he reacts. Thanks!

It's not unknown for controlling men to maintain a mask until they feel their partner is trapped into staying in the relationship. Marriage or childbirth are the usual traps.

But it's probably unknown for them to give such a heads-up to their victim!

Talk to him. Tell him this 'joke' really isn't funny and it's giving you the ick (which he really should take seriously, but might not) and you need to know what the fuck is he doing?

Yeah, that’s kind of what’s been niggling at me like, I know he’s never been controlling, but the whole “trapped” thing just feels a bit… off. And yeah, if he was secretly some master manipulator, surely he wouldn’t be announcing it like this?!

I think I do just need to be blunt and tell him it’s making me uncomfortable. If he genuinely doesn’t mean anything by it, he should have no problem stopping, and if he does get defensive, then I guess that’s something I need to take seriously. Ugh. Definitely not what I expected to be dealing with while TTC!

is it maybe a reverse? like maybe what he’s actually saying is the opposite of what he’s thinking, i.e. ‘once you’re pregnant i’m trapped with you forever’ i’d personally take it as him having nerves more than anything. that or an insecurity thing, e.g. are you sure you want a baby with me

Is there a reason you are not married? Does he not want to commit? In which case this comment makes more sense.

Well he's right, isn't he. Have you thought about this carefully enough? You are absolutely tied to him for life once you have a child.. in one way or another.

We’ve talked about marriage, and it’s something we both do want, but neither of us has been in a rush. It’s always felt more like a “one day” thing rather than a priority right now. He’s never seemed against commitment we live together, share finances, and now TTC but I guess this whole thing has made me second-guess a bit.

I hadn’t really connected it to not being married, but now you mention it, maybe there’s something in that. Like, if he sees a baby as a bigger commitment than marriage, maybe this is his way of processing it? Definitely something to think about…

Why is marriage a 'one day' thing and a baby is now? How are you splitting childcare costs? Who will pick up the baby if it gets ill at the childminder? How is he making his work more flexible so that he can do nursery drop offs and pick ups?

Well pregnancy is one the biggest at risk times for a woman for dv for various reasons, one being that the person often feels at greater control/partner is more vulnerable. I'm not sure about this one I feel it's probably more just a joke but it's not a very funny joke is it op? Next time he says it I'd ask him what he means and get more info and then see how you feel then. Keep us posted

Like, if he sees a baby as a bigger commitment than marriage, maybe this is his way of processing it?

Having a baby is a bigger commitment than marriage though. You can get out of a marriage. You can’t stop being a parent, even if you are an absent parent you are still a parent.

Do you think he’s truly ready or is just going along with the TTC? Whose idea was it? Have you discussed finances, childcare, work, parenting skills etc?

Good questions, and honestly, ones we probably should be talking about more in detail. I guess a baby has always felt more emotional than logistical (which I know is naive!), whereas marriage just felt like a nice thing we’d do eventually rather than a necessity. But now that you’ve said this, I’m realising how much more practical stuff we need to iron out.

We’ve loosely said we’ll split costs and that we’ll both adjust work if needed, but we haven’t actually planned anything properly yet. I work from home most of the time, so I think the assumption has been that I’d pick up the slack when needed, which now feels a bit… unfair? Definitely going to have a serious chat about all of this. Feels like I’ve been focusing so much on just getting pregnant that I haven’t thought enough about what happens next!

Yeah, that’s a really good point. A baby is the bigger commitment, and I don’t know why I hadn’t properly thought about it like that before. Maybe because marriage feels more formal whereas having a baby has always felt more natural to me? But you’re right there’s no getting out of being a parent.

TTC was a mutual decision, or at least I thought it was. I brought it up first, but he was totally on board, no hesitation, and we both agreed it was the right time. Now I’m wondering if he was just agreeing because he felt like he should rather than because he was truly ready.

We’ve talked about finances and childcare in a vague way like, we both assume we’ll split things, but we haven’t actually sat down and planned it properly. Same with work and parenting approaches. I feel a bit stupid now realising how much we haven’t covered. Think I need to have a big conversation with him and make sure we’re actually on the same page, rather than just assuming we are.

I think you need to think about marriage properly and the protections it would offer you, especially if you want to be a SAHM at all, (although it sounds like you dont). I wouldn't brush his comments off like some suggest. The fact he thinks you'd be trapped is interesting, I'd remind him single mothers exist and you'll be more than capable of walking away, baby or not, if he turns into a dickhead.

If he said this to me, I would make the following points in response:

• I will never be trapped with anyone. I have no reason to think this relationship will fail but I wouldn't think I had to stay in something that had failed, as much I would always support a child's relationship with both parents.
• I don't want to be with someone who feels trapped. I feel lucky to be in this relationship. If that was a joke, I don't find it funny.

To add, there's lots of people telling you what he really meant by his words, and I'm not sure why. He's said it more than once. I'd take what he's telling you at face value rather than looking for a rose tinted interpretation.

Basically, he keeps saying stuff like, “Once you’re pregnant, you’re trapped with me forever,” or “No going back once there’s a baby.”

Um yeah I'm going to go against the grain and say I definitely wouldn't be rushing into marriage with this man. It sounds very much to me like he's trying to express his own doubts and worries about making such a big commitment.

I would be sitting down with him very, very soon (or at least before you TTC this / next month) and just stating how uncomfortable these comments make you and ask him if he has any concerns because if so, they need to be addressed now before you get pregnant and he decides he can't cope being "trapped"!

I would be listening to my gut. It’s telling you something is off. I wouldn’t be having a baby with him. Men can turn when you’re pregnant. So many threads on here. The whole “trapped” thing would make me nervous. Remember you have zero rights if you’re unmarried so unless you can imagine a future as a single parent and you’re financially independent, I just wouldn’t do it.

Yeah, I think I’ve been a bit naive about the whole marriage vs. baby thing. I don’t plan on being a SAHM, but even so, I can see now how marriage would offer more legal/financial protection, especially if something went wrong. Definitely something I need to think about more seriously.

And you’re right if he genuinely thinks having a baby would trap me, that’s a red flag in itself. I know plenty of single mums who’ve walked away from crap relationships, so I’d absolutely remind him that I’m not stuck just because we have a child together. If anything, his weird comments are making me more determined to make sure I’d be okay on my own if I had to be.

I think I need to sit down with him and properly unpack what he actually means by all this. If it’s just a bad joke, fine, but if there’s something deeper there, I need to know before I go any further with TTC.