TTC but boyfriend keeps making a weird “joke” – am I overreacting?

[InteriorLandfowl]

Hi all,

I’m currently TTC with my boyfriend (not married but together a few years, very happy, all planned etc.). However, he’s started making this “joke” lately that’s really freaking me out, and I don’t know if I’m overreacting.

Basically, he keeps saying stuff like, “Once you’re pregnant, you’re trapped with me forever,” or “No going back once there’s a baby.” He always laughs after, but it’s starting to make me feel a bit weird. I know he’s probably just being daft, but it’s giving me the ick, and now I’m second-guessing everything.

For context, he’s never been controlling, and we’ve always had a solid relationship, but something about this is making me uneasy. I don’t know if it’s just my brain going into overdrive because TTC is such a big thing or if I should take it more seriously?

Would love to hear if anyone else has experienced similar or if I’m just overthinking!

TIA x

I think that because you are now realising that you need to consider the practicalities, the best thing to do is to stop TTC until you are satisfied that it’s the best choice.

You could say to him “your joke about being trapped made me think that we do need to look at the money and practical things more before we start trying to conceive”. The reaction might help you understand whether he’s going for the path of least resistance or is really not ready etc.

I know it feels unromantic and a bit boring and sensible but you really need to be prepared for your life completely changing if you have a baby. It’s good that you’re starting to see it needs to be thought of more carefully than you have been.

Oh sorry I meant to add that marriage is not just a piece of paper, your legal position if you give up work or reduce hours etc is much stronger if you’re married than if you’re cohabiting and that’s not just if the relationship breaks down, it’s pensions, benefits and all sorts.

Well, possibly it's nerves about the seriousness of the whole thing, but I would hate it- partly the idea of TTC with someone unsure and partly because that whole stereotype of woman wanting to trap the man would give me the massive ick.

I think you should sit down and talk about it seriously- how the "jokes" make you feel and how they're making you unsure about his commitment to TTC. Suggest you put TTC on hold meanwhile. Suspect his reaction will tell you what you need to know.

TTC is always a stressing time so try not to read too much into it and have a heart to heart with him. If he loves you he will stop with those comments.

If he loves you he will stop with those comments.

But he may well still think that way.

It reminds me of when my brother was getting married. He made similar jokes about that. On his wedding day he even staged a photo of his two best men dragging him into the church. He's just celebrated his 54th wedding anniversary.

those jokes are saying something. Either he has underlying fears about this step or he does see this as a way to keep you in the relationship.

the harsh truth is that if you don’t feel you are ready for marriage yet, then you aren’t ready for a baby. Marriage is legal contract that shows you want the government to recognize you as an economic and legal partner with your spouse. If you plan to be parents, it is basically like setting up a business to raise your child. That may not seem romantic, but it is utterly practical.

a marriage is not about a party. It’s about deciding you have shared goals with this person you love and realizing as real partners you can make both your lives work better. If this isn’t the man who does that for you, he isn’t the man you want as the father of your child.

Unless he’s been controlling before, I’d assume it’s more him projecting his own fear of commitment.

You should definitely discuss finances, childcare and expectations before you TTC.

Set up the next conversation carefully - calm, unhurried, comfortable.

See if he does it again.

Then instead of swerving away from it, ask him to talk through what lies beneath what he says.

How he truly feels.

Because I do think it likely that he's actually saying 'I'LL be trapped with YOU' but having difficulty articulating it. Hence the uneasy 'joke' thing.

It's going to be hard but you'll need to stay calm, courteous, controlled, make it as comfortable as possible for the conversation to happen.

Yeah, I think you’re right. As much as I want to just carry on TTC, it feels a bit reckless now that I’m realising how much we haven’t properly talked about. I don’t want to end up in a situation where I’m resenting him because we didn’t plan things out properly.

I actually really like the idea of framing it that way just saying his joke made me think we need to go over the practical side more before we carry on. That way, I can gauge his reaction without making it into a huge confrontation. If he’s genuinely on board, he should be happy to have that conversation, and if he’s not… well, better to know now than when there’s a baby involved.

And yeah, I’ll admit I’ve definitely been thinking more about the emotional side of having a baby rather than the logistical side. I knew things would change, but I don’t think I fully grasped just how much, especially in terms of money, work, and general life balance. So maybe pressing pause for now is actually the smartest thing I can do.

If you want to understand what the practical impact is, it’s worth reading the Relationships board to see how it can go wrong! It’s a bit slanted in that people posting have a reason to be concerned but it is worth having your eyes open as to what can happen when the situation doesn’t go as expected.

Blimey OP, if you think having a baby is more natural than logistical you'd better think again! It will turn your life upside down and there will be a million impacts that you never even thought about. You will be responsible for another human being for years to come. Please think very carefully because it doesn't sound as though you have.

Many a true word is said in jest.

It sounds like trying to conceive isn't a good idea right now.

I always worry when women decide to have children without the protection that marriage offers, and also why marriage isn't on the cards in this situation.

Having a baby is wonderful, but also the hardest thing that most people do. You need to work out all the logistics first: how much time off, who takes it, finances, childcare options and cost. You also need to make sure you are on the same page regarding parenting choices: religion, schooling, discipline etc.