What’s it like to really need your own space?

[Extraverted]

I don't need alone time. I like company and busy-ness, but I understand my partner really does need alone time. He likes solitude and communicates less during these days, which I totally respect and give him space, even though it's not intuitive for me. It’s only ever for a day so it’s no drama.

I’m always very busy too, so although I don’t empathise with it, I’m happy to accommodate it.

Recently, he went into "hermit mode," and I had a minor car accident. I chose to call a friend instead of him, as I knew he was having an alone day and (if I’m honest) didn’t really feel comfortable disturbing him. When I told him about it the next day, he was really upset I didn't reach out to him and quite hurt. He emphasised that I absolutely can pick up the phone any time, emergency or not, and he’ll be there. That was lovely to hear, of course, but I still dont think I’d do that.

It’s been on my mind a lot since then. I'm curious about how it feels to need space and how best to respect it. Are there others who can share their experiences? I've asked my partner, but I'd love more insight since it's unfamiliar to me to want to be away from someone, unless I'm annoyed with them.

People are a chore. I can think more clearly by myself. I can be myself without worrying about someone else's feelings in that moment. I can concentrate on what I need or want to do.

When I'm with someone else, I automatically put them first. My very existence is purely for their benefit. I modify every part of myself for their pleasure and comfort. It's automatic and I can't exist any differently. It's nice to not have to do that for a while. It's nice to switch off and just be a person.

My partner is an exception to this - and the fact that I feel more myself around him and can relax with him is why he's my partner. I don't need to modify myself for him, we're very similar and comfortable in each other's company. He wouldn't be my partner if I couldn't fully relax around him, because I couldn't live with someone without even more strain on my mental health if I absolutely needed alone time from them - don't get me wrong, my partner and I still have alone time... He plays video games, I watch my shows. But I don't need it so strictly like I do from other people.

I have always been a person who needs her own space. If I spend time with a lot of people, say at work or a group of friends, I often feel exhausted afterwards. When I was married, I tried to explain how I felt to my husband, but I don't think he ever really understood, and Iooking back, I think I hurt his feelings a lot. I used to want to mooch around the shops or go for a cup of tea in a café on my own sometimes, and he would want to come with me and was hurt that I sometimes just needed time to kind of 're-set' and collect my thoughts. I actually wish I wasn't like it because if I don't get time to myself, I feel claustrophobic and as if the walls are closing in on me. It's hard to explain. I think you are very kind and understanding to your partner and I can imagine that he appreciates your understanding a lot. I have never really met anyone who feels like I do....it sometimes feels like if I don't regularly have time alone just to think or potter about without having to worry that I am boring someone or not doing what they want to do (I am an over-thinker!), I actually feel like I'm losing my mind! Keep doing what you're doing, I say, and I would also say believe him when he says you can call anytime, especially after an accident. I hope you're okay? Take care.

I explain it in the concept of batteries.
Bring around people drains my batteries at various speeds. Being around lots of people or strangers is like a remote control car being played with by an excitable kid. If I don't recharge then I become like a slow talking furby eeking out the last of their battery.

The quickest way for me to recharge is to spent time ( a few hours at least) on my own with little human interaction.

Some people recharge by spending time with people, others recharge on their own. While I'm "recharging" I don't necessarily want/need no contact, just a lot less of it.

I find being around people tiring, even people I like. So after a while I need time alone to be quiet and recover.

I'm also happy on my own, and have plenty that I enjoy to do to keep myself occupied. So cooking whilst listening to the radio or an audiobook, going for a walk, working on my degree (I'm a part time mature student) etc.

Luckily my DH is the same, if anything he needs more alone time than I do, so we get along well together!

I find myself getting irritable and feeling "touched out" when the need for some time alone hits me. If I don't listen to that need, it grows until I could cry at how exhausted I'm feeling because I know I'm being snappy and sometimes unfair but I'm masking that.

That level of exhaustion then makes me feel ill. I had surgery a couple of years ago and it's left me with some long-lasting symptoms, I live with that all the time, it's usually manageable but find its really emphasised when I'm overwhelmed.

I can recharge by being quiet, away from everyone. Going for a walk or even to bed early, low lighting, reading or watching some mindless guff that I'm not really even watching.

The battery is a really good analogy. I love spending time with people but I can only truly relax on my own, which is why I couldn’t face living with anyone else.

Friends & family are wonderful but I have to be able to close my front door & know that it’s just me & my cat.

People are either energised by other people or absolutely drained by them.

Most introverts absolutely need time alone.
Some introverts are also highly sensitive and their senses can become overstimulated by noise, bright light, fast paced environments etc..

There are studies that show highly sensitive people have less Dopamine receptors than other people and too much sensory activity literally floods the brain. Their "reward centre " is therefore quickly satiated and they need to retreat to a chilled out solitary place to not feel physically ill. Likewise thrill seeking extroverts need more stimulation to feel happy and content.

Personally I can't tolerate being in noisy environments or having to be sociable for more than a couple of hours without having to remove myself to prevent feeling physically ill.

The brain works in bizarre ways.

Concur with the battery analogy. Fortunately DH and I are both like this.

Thanks all. A further question if you don’t mind. What do you expect of your loved ones during this time?

OH is very very chatty when he’s not needing space. He’s the sort of man who’ll call me randomly to update me that his knee itches or he sneezed weird or he saw a really funny looking dog (I’m exaggerating of course, but you get the point).

Therefore I’m quite used to us connecting in a no-holds-barred way, and have to proactively “code-switch” when he’s quieter, to not contact him about things I would, during our “normal” time, which is why I ended up not contacting him after the car accident.

I find being around people I have to interact with tiring. If I'm around people too much, I start to feel physically uncomfortable - my brain gets buzzy, I can't think, my skin feels uncomfortable, and I just generally feel like I need to be alone. If that goes on too long - like I'm stuck with people it would be rude to leave on their own (e.g. holiday with people I don't know well), or I'm in a very busy environment having to talk to people for hours (e.g. a conference), I start to feel physically sick.

However I really enjoy and gain energy from being in a busy town or a gig, so long as I don't have to talk to people - if I can just observe and be on my own that's relaxing.

In the evening I need a good hour or so to myself in order to feel like I've actually relaxed. Fortunately DP is the same.

One of the things I found hard about having a baby was never being on my own. Eventually I had to ask DP to take the baby for a walk so I could just exist in the house on my own and think clear thoughts.

When I do those personality quizzes I come out as very strongly introvert. I'm not shy, have lots of friends, fine with chatting and building relationships, but need time alone to be mentally ok. I would absolutely help someone if they needed it though, I can understand why he was upset you didn't call him.

It sounds contrary to say it like this but I just want him to go away, and the kids,
however I'm not uncontactable by any means. They all still talk to me, I just don't need them surrounding me with their big energy. That probably sounds weird.

I live in a busy household, and sometimes I just need quiet. I rarely get whole days - it's often an hour sat on my bed with my headphones on just to 'empty' my head... if that makes sense. Just too much going on that my head is all jumbled and nothing makes sense anymore and I just need to calm it. Nothing dramatic.

In terms of contact my kids know to leave me to it (they are teens - before then I'd purposefully hant them over to their dad so they were supervised) but they also absolutely know if there is a problem I will jump in so if one of them shouts out or comes in I react and am fine with that.

I can see why your partner was upset you didn't contact him after an accident as that's pretty major! He will have felt he let you down - because he needs some space. So I would say things like that absolutely you should continue to contact him. I guess if he's a constantly 'busy' person - ringing you for sneezing funny type - his life is chaotic in his head and sometimes he just needs to switch it back.... that doesn't mean he wouldn't be there if needed... its just a different way of managing things.

Maybe have a look at the adhd techniques around energy and mental space management. I'm not for one minute suggesting he has adhd - just that there is a whole community of research into these kind of things often badged as adhd that might give you more understanding maybe.

You are clearly kind and trying to be very respectful of his boundaries but (gently) you might be taking it a bit far and martyring yourself for his (perceived) comfort.

He's told you he is available to you, even when he's in one of his less communicative phases. But you say you won't reach out to him, even if it is an emergency - why is that? It sounds like you are almost punishing him in some way - you withdraw from me, so I will withdraw from you. It doesn't sound like you are really okay with giving him space and actually it is troubling to you (you mention "code-switching"). It doesn't sound like he wants his comfort to come at your expense, and it definitely shouldn't.

Me and DH are hermits BUT when i had my car accident I called him. That's a bit crazy not to call him becuase of alone time.

Me and DH are introverted and have kids but we do need alone time so we takenit in turns to have a few hours to ourselves and once the kids go to sleep we usually spend time alone to do what we need.

It only gets worse as people get older. My DF is 70 and an introvert and he hates being away from his space longer then a couple days. When we visit he barely soends time with the grandkids as he wants his alone time. But I wouldn't withold any urgent information or not ask foe help during this time. We won't explode or melt away 😂

Yes, I think that's a fair point. Though what struck me was that the OP thought that her partner's solitude was more important than her car accident, and called a friend instead because she 'didn't feel comfortable' disturbing him on an 'alone day'. To me, that's the issue here. I don't the most hermitty of introverts would take issue at being called in an emergency, even if it wasn't life-threatening, as long as they were a decent human being. Your boyfriend has said to contact him whenever you want or need to, even if he is having an 'alone day', but you still say you won't. Why not? Why aren't you taking him at his word?

It's like listening to music. You can really enjoy it and sometimes it's great, but you can't listen all day non-stop everyday.

After a while you need to tone it down, change the song, or turn it off completely and enjoy the quiet for a while. Otherwise the constant stimulus would break your brain.

A further question if you don’t mind. What do you expect of your loved ones during this time?

Ask your partner. Everyone will have different expectations.

I'm not surprised your partner was hurt about the car accident thing, by the way. If I was him, I'd feel like my partner was trying to punish me, by withholding that kind of information from me. Especially given that your view of alone time is "I'd only ever need it if I was annoyed at someone". He probably suspects you're taking his need for space more personally than you pretend.

If I was him, I'd also feel pretty uncomfortable wondering how you painted me to the friend you called to help you instead.

I really do need alone time or I get sensory overwhelm being around people all the time. Even just having someone there, breathing and existing, starts to get to me after a while. That doesn't mean I'm not contactable in an emergency though and if a loved one needed me during time I wanted to be alone, I'd rather be there and suck it up! It's not kidney dialysis, I won't die if I don't get it, I'll just be a bit tired and grumpy.

I absolutely need alone time. It's one of the reasons I don't want to live with my partner! To me it feels like a build up of pressure inside as well as a draining of energy.

However even on the days I have alone at home I'm usually in plenty of contact with DP, messages flying back and forth. And if there was an emergency he would call me, I'd be really hurt if he didn't think he could.

But if he's allowed to set his boundaries about when he wants 'regular' contact with the OP and when he needs quiet time, why isn't she allowed to decide how she will accommodate that?

He doesn't feel comfortable being 'on' all the time, and the OP is not supposed to take that personally, but you think it's reasonable to consider it a 'punishment' if the OP chooses to deal with a car accident in the way she felt most comfortable with at the time.

Being an introvert or needing alone time doesn't negate the fact that others around you also have needs. The OP was in a stressful situation and she turned to the person she thought would support her best at the time. She is already doing her best to accommodate her partner - does she really have to prioritise his feelings when she's been in a car accident?

In normal mode, we communicate as we go about both the important and the unimportant stuff.

In giving space mode we limit the random chatter/random disturbances, and we agree timing for the things which need shared attention (dinner at 8 and than we will spend half an hour on X).
Really urgent matters have priority as usually.

Just a note, this can't be only about you adjusting to his wants and needs, it needs to be mutual. Sometimes the needs can be clashing, it can even happen that one needs company and the other needs space, and it needs a plan/shared solution. Neither of those needs is more important than the other.

get along well (not) together 😂

I get a feeling a bit like claustrophobia or anxiety - like a heavy feeling on my chest like I can't breathe or think or relax.

As soon as I'm in peace and quiet for at least 10 minutes with no people, it subsides and i feel completely relaxed again.

This is even with loved ones and people whose company I absolutely enjoy

Time alone is a preference OP is accommodating. There's not some sort of "don't speak me during alone time, ever" order her partner insisted on. This was an emergency. There is obviously a difference, as he said himself. So yes, refusing to let him know about it does come across as punishing. Especially now, when he's flat out told her he'd want to know, and she's still saying "oh I probably won't".

It's as if OP is saying that it's all or nothing with her. If her partner wants a day alone to recharge his batteries, that will come with a price. Apparently OP is an extreme extrovert who never craves alone time, ever, but for most people this would be an easy decision. It's one of those things like when to call your partner at work or when to interrupt a girl's night out. "I just wanted to chat about my day" = save it for later. "I was in a car crash" = pick up the phone.