What’s it like to really need your own space?

[Extraverted]

I don't need alone time. I like company and busy-ness, but I understand my partner really does need alone time. He likes solitude and communicates less during these days, which I totally respect and give him space, even though it's not intuitive for me. It’s only ever for a day so it’s no drama.

I’m always very busy too, so although I don’t empathise with it, I’m happy to accommodate it.

Recently, he went into "hermit mode," and I had a minor car accident. I chose to call a friend instead of him, as I knew he was having an alone day and (if I’m honest) didn’t really feel comfortable disturbing him. When I told him about it the next day, he was really upset I didn't reach out to him and quite hurt. He emphasised that I absolutely can pick up the phone any time, emergency or not, and he’ll be there. That was lovely to hear, of course, but I still dont think I’d do that.

It’s been on my mind a lot since then. I'm curious about how it feels to need space and how best to respect it. Are there others who can share their experiences? I've asked my partner, but I'd love more insight since it's unfamiliar to me to want to be away from someone, unless I'm annoyed with them.

I think the batteries analogy is good. It just feels like I've usedup my batteries and need to recharge. If you don't leave me to it, I'll get exhausted and grumpy. I also have a chronic migraines, and get in a bad way if I'm too exhausted - both with migraine, fatigue and cognitive impairment.

However, I do have a spare "emergency battery". I will absolutely use it if a loved one needs me to, and I'd be devastated to not be contacted if someone needs support in an emergency - even if they're not badly injured or very ill. It does come at a price and I don't want to use it to take on extra tasks at work or hear about somebody's itchy knee. I do need to rest and recharge my mental batteries, but not if someone I love has been in an accident - even if it's minor. Or needs support in another way. I'll overrule my need to rest and recharge. It sounds like your DH is able and willing to overrule his need for solitude if you need him, too. That's a good thing.

I like certain people very much. However, I cannot bear to be with people at all times!

If I have to endure enforced socialisation, it's effectively like you're draining my personal battery. Things like funerals and Christmas festivities are terrible for this, because you're expected to be around people ALL DAY. Being around people at all times is claustrophobic and anxiety-inducing... to the point that I start counting down to bedtime, when I can be alone! The fact that I am a terrible sleeper is irrelevant.

I get very peeved and, when pushed, grumpily annoyed and snappy with the other person. Then, because I am stressed, I get a headache, tight muscles and generally feel rubbish. I also feel bad because I've been snappy with other people.

I just need a bit of time to myself to be calm, relaxed and unsupervised, without being expected to make conversation or entertain anyone else. That way, I can recharge my batteries and be nice to my human company at some other point in the day.

I love being with people but get exhausted by it very quickly. If I don't gave time to myself I just feel so completely drained, like I'm running on an empty tank. I need it to be able to function.

It depends whether he is simply introverted or ND or something else but it can feel exhausting someone being in your company or having to think about someone else or them talking to you. I'm sure he wouldn't have minded you calling if you needed him.

I stip being able yo process what others are saying. I lose the ability to speak in sentences. My words come out jumbled or missing and sometimes I can't find the words I need to say.

I feel tense and agitated. You know the Star Wars trash compactor? I'm in that mentally.

I feel.exhsusted. I can't focus or concentrate.

I need a lot of time to myself.

I don't think I expect anything from my loved ones when I need my own time. I ask that they don't take it personally, and don't try to punish me for needing the time though - I had an ex who used to try and convince me that however many hours I need to recharge was then "owned" to do things with him. 🤷‍♀️.

Thankfully my current partner is much more understanding, mostly cause he needs time on his own too. However we have found that we can both recharge just fine while physically being in the same room, just doing different things - painting, drawing, reading, crochet, playing games etc. we just are "low contact" for a while. Little conversation and our own physical space around us. We'll still share any important news we get during these times, or if we suddenly remember something. We also still bring tea/food to each other. It works well for us.

I love my own time my own space so much i stay single.
Its peaceful i can recharge restart relax.
I see a lot of people but when i come home and shut my front door its blissful.
No pets no man no kids no chores just shower coffee pjs book its heaven tbh.

When I'm with someone else, I automatically put them first. My very existence is purely for their benefit. I modify every part of myself for their pleasure and comfort. It's automatic and I can't exist any differently. It's nice to not have to do that for a while. It's nice to switch off and just be a person

This really resonated with me. I've never been able to put it into words before. But I think it's one of the reasons that romantic relationships haven't worked for me.

The only people I'd say I genuinely enjoy being with are my adult DC, as I can just fully be myself with them. Even then I would still need some time alone to recharge, but they're the same so it works well.

It's nice that you're so understanding OP. But yes, in an emergency I would be there for someone regardless of whether I was having alone time. I can "power through" when necessary.

Well, that's learned behaviour you can work on, rather than dealing with the choice of either existing purely for the person you're with or being alone, or in the modified case of being with your partner. My mother was like this, and I and my sisters were brought up to be like this. But, with work, we've all managed to shed that particular script, which is spectacularly unhelpful and unfits an individual for everyday life.

i Need alone time because the act of holding a conversation is just exhausting. Sometimes even just the possibility of a conversation is exhausting. I need to be able to sit in odd positions, fidget to my hearts content, and just not worry about other people.

if my spouse didn’t contact me in an emergency just because I was having a quiet day, I would think there was something wrong with our marriage. I want to be his support person and want to be able to trust that he will call on me when needed.

Also, me taking time for myself shouldn’t be such a rare or special event that an actual emergency can’t break through. I try to have some time every day.

God, I’m a person who needs time alone (like most people probably) but I would absolutely be at the end of the phone and coming to help if one of my family had a car crash!

I expect them to bugger off and leave me to it. All day. I don’t do it often but sometimes I just need the day to myself.

I need time on my own. So do my kids and, looking back, my mum certainly did. She tried to carve out a day on her own occasionally and I do the same. On holiday I sometimes just volunteer to go to the shops on my own so that I can just have some silence or time with my own thoughts. I never mind of someone calls though, it's more like always being in the vicinity of someone else is a bit taxing. As a ppl said, being around others can be a chore. You have to think about what you say, explain why you've chosen to do something etc.

I could never ever, ever have people stay over at my house - hence I will never create a spare bedroom (obv in an emergency all are welcome) and I could never go on holiday with a group of friends and all our kids. It would send me over the edge. And don't get me wrong, I'm very sociable (once a month) and always the last person to go home at a party - but if someone offers me the spare bed for the night I never accept as it would just ruin the night having to brush teeth, wake up, eat breakfast and talk to other people. Urgh I can't think of anything worse 😄