To think 3-4 hours to yourself is actually quite a lot of time when you have preschool children?

[2025vibe]

I’m having a few problems with DH at the moment. I think he means well, but he starts doing these endless jobs in the garden and they take hours, are apparently essential tasks that cannot possibly wait even a moment, and require hours of time.

I’ve gone along with it and even though he’s away during the week I’ve taken the children (age 4 and 21 months) out to parks and walks and so on to give him some space.

So going through the last four weekends, I’ve taken them to a farm alone for about six hours (that incorporated a nap for the little one) then to a little party in the afternoon alone. I’ve taken them to a park and then shoe shopping alone (about four hours) and to a forest walk and play on a park (four hours)

The rest of the time I often have one child and he has the other which seems fair except I always get the little one who is harder just because of her age.

I arrived back just now and DH started moaning and saying he needed to finish this job. I got a bit annoyed and pointed out he’d had four hours to do his work and the rest.

I don’t think I’m being u reasonable here but I’m wondering if anyone else with similarly aged children does this amount of alone time? I’m starting to feel like DH is just taking the piss!

Gone out to fix the garage door sorry - should have been more specific.

It’s endless though. No matter how much time he has it isn’t enough.

Why aren’t you going out and telling him that the children need him, and then leave for the entirety of bath and bedtime.

This.

Did he want children.

Sounds like he needs on of those tables that has 4 squares. 1 square has urgent and important written at the top. 1 square has urgent and not important. 1 square has important and not urgent. 1 square has not important and not urgent. He needs to start putting jobs he feels need doing into the table. The only jobs that he should even be contemplating doing at bedtime are in the ‘urgent and important’ square. Fixing the garage door sounds like neither of those things.

It seems to be common for the men to do this amongst my friends. They seem to take for granted that they'll get child free time to do the things they need to do whereas he doesn't take DC out so I can do some cleaning or cooking. I do what I can!

This afternoon we've all been out together and while I got home and started making the DC some food and tidying up he came in the room and literally lay on the bed while I was making it. I told him to get up!

Well on the positive side he isn’t at the pub. He is working on your house which is kind of a good thing. Could be worse.

BUT he is leaving the parenting all to you. which doesn’t seem to be working for you and isn’t fair.

Can you be super direct with him this evening and spell out what’s playing out- give him facts ie what has happened the last month and how it’s made you feel. Tell him how you want next weekend to go. Ie he take the kids out and you have some time to relax and potter about. See what he says…

It depends on the garden surely? I have been working away in mine every weekend and it’s not time to myself or the equivalent of a city break ffs.

My garden has bastarding ivy and brambles that stage a spring coup attempt every year. Some neighbour loves to let their little dog shit all over my front garden all week so I am picking up a weeks worth of dog shit. Then there are all the other weeds coming up, lots of shrubs get pruned in the spring, this is the time to feed other plants like roses and take steps to prevent mold diseases. Oh, and the grass is growing like mad so any weekend remotely dry I have to mow. On top, I have seeds and seedlings that need to be monitored and frost protection taken off every morning and put back on every evening….

I mean, if you’re sick of the DC you could volunteer to swap places and you do garden while he entertains DC?

This was me when my DC were that age. DH would start endless DIY projects (our house was a doer upper but i would have lived with things for longer and had an engaged parent at weekends)
Our kids are teens now and he's changed the narrative that we did lots of things together when they were little!!
Sorry no answers just sympathy

What? Fixing the garage door is urgent unless you want squirrels moving in or cats literally pissing about.

The rest of the time I often have one child and he has the other which seems fair except I always get the little one who is harder just because of her age.

Maybe it’s just a preference thing but I’m not sure why you’d do it like this with the ages you have. I can understand it when one is a tiny baby, but not at your ages. Surely it just means you’ve both had harder days than if one of you had both, and the other got some time?

I took my two out yesterday for 7 hours for an adventure on the train, DH did some house jobs but realistically also had time to himself. I’m heavily pregnant so I had a bath by myself once I got home and DH took over playtime. That makes a lot more sense in my head - he’s a lot fresher today than I am but it means we can balance things, one each would just mean we’re both tired.

That said, he does also let the 3 year old help with jobs - he loves to cook and garden.

My garden has bastarding ivy and brambles that stage a spring coup at temp every year. Some neighbour loves to let their little dog shit all over my front garden all week so I am picking up a weeks worth of dog shit. Then there are all the other weeds coming up, lots of shrubs get pruned in the spring, this is the time to feed other plants like roses and take steps to prevent mold diseases. Oh, and the grass is growing like mad so any weekend remotely dry I have to mow. On top, I have seeds and seedlings that need to be monitored and frost protection taken off every morning and put back on every evening….

This is all a hobby though, isn’t it? Beyond picking up the dog poo, cutting the grass and ensuring the garden is safe from the brambles none of the other stuff is critical. It’s lovely to do, but if hobbies take up the whole weekend at the expense of your DP never getting time to do their things, it’s not really fair is it.

My DH and I used to get one hour each to ourselves on each weekend day. We’d also book the crèche at our gym for two hours on one of the weekend days mostly to have a break from the DC and to do something together.

Not so urgent it can’t wait half an hour until the DC are in bed!

Yes, this is it. He huffed at me when I complained that I was doing the sixth solo bedtime in the week and said something like ‘it would be really expensive to get someone in to fix it.’ Which I’m sure is true and I’m obviously grateful but it’s just relentless, as soon as he’s done one thing seven other vital things need doing.

To be fair it’s dark … but this is the problem, the four hours he had this afternoon weren’t enough, the six hours the week before weren’t … it’s never, ever enough.

He’s definitely ‘creating’ thes garden jobs. My DH (and me) does have certain jobs to do over some weekends, clearing out the garage, going to the tip, maybe cleaning his car etc.

Guess what? He takes the 4yr with him a lot. Yes the job will take 30-50% longer but it’s quality time and little children actually like things like this.

Hes a family/kids skiver

This is exactly what I had when my kids were a similar age. The thing is the kids loved digging in the garden but he said they got in the way. He does much more with them now and has admitted that he didn’t do enough when they were little. I think a big part was that he just didn’t know what to do with people that age so instead of learning he did Important Man Jobs to make himself feel better. Having been there, my advice is write down what you want to say to him before saying it so that you can say what needs to be said calmly rather than descending into a row.

YANBU, I have kids almost identical ages to yours and started a very similar thread recently.

True

Go and get him out of the garage and TELL HIM you’re doing bedtime together.. no options here. Just tell him. TELL HIM you’re spending time together as a family at the weekend, even if it is gardening..6 hours at the local farm on your own is crazy. Just frickin tell him what he seems to not understand. What’s the matter with these men ?
Then sit down with the calendar and book in your solo time….shopping , gym, friends, whatever floats your boat.

My guess is he’s not yet twigged that caring for these young children is 50% his responsibility over weekends. I suggest you leave him to care for/entertain both kids for exactly half the weekend.

I wouldn’t really say doing jobs in the garden is time to yourself. It’s a bit like saying that a mum going to the supermarket to do the weekly shop alone is time to herself.

I think 3-4 hours is a reasonable amount of time to yourself, but you both need to have it. And if you do more of the parenting during the week, then your Dh should be making up for time lost by spending more time doing fun things with the kids on the weekend. You don’t get this time back and he shouldn’t miss out because you are swooping in to do everything.

I think when you have preschool kids a solo food shop is bliss personally!

My DH is like this BUT he will take 1 or both kids with him when he does jobs. Today he fixed the cat flap with both kids while I went cycling 🙈 the kids love to get involved with whatever projects or jobs he is doing.