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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

21 y/o living at home, evenings

30 replies

JellySky · 23/03/2025 00:23

AIBU? My 21 year old went to a city on Tues last week for shopping and a few drinks with a friend train was booked on a return. DC let me know plans changed and they were getting a hotel, they didnt go out-out or drink heavy but wanted to stay longer than the last train home. I knew that would happen, it always does. It triggered my anxiety and I was annoyed as I had work then next morning and now wouldn't sleep well as I never do when they are away like this (they have worked away and that wasn't as bad on my anxiety).

Last night (Fri) they went out drinking, met a potential new partner and stayed out after clubs kicked out. They usually home by 5, at 6.30 I got a message that on way home and in at 7.15am.

That's 2 nights of very little sleep.

I thought I could benefit from a good sleep tonight so had just said the 7am thing is fine occasionally but need to let me know sooner if they're staying out all night like that but I understand being caught up after meeting someone you fancy etc. It's trick because the club doesn't close until 4.15am so even if they intend to come home, after getting chatting to someone it's easy to end up meeting the next day.

I dropped off to sleep tonight at about 11.15pm and was woken by DC brushing teeth at 11.45pm after an invite to go for a drive (2 guys, 2 girls so another potential romantic partner so I can see the draw of the fun) I wont sleep again worrying until they're back.

  • sidenote: DC hasn't had a romantic interest for over a year so not concerned at these two 'dates' coming up a day apart -

We have a dog that barks when we come home so this means disturbed sleep for anyone who is asleep, I dont think the younger sibling gets woken though and is old enough not to care.

AIBU in thinking this is too much late night disruption in a family household? DH says DC needs their own place if they want to come and go as they please all hours.

I am clouded because of my own anxiety- if I wasn't a worrier I probably wouldn't care apart from the noise but the anxiety means I don't sleep.

AIBU to put rules in place on an adult DC around evenings? And what should any rules be?

OP posts:
Manyplanetsfromthesun · 23/03/2025 00:31

With genuine kindness… they are 21.

When I was 21 I was living fully independently from my parents in another country. I probably had some very late (early morning) nights but my parents weren’t part of the equation. My parents and I are still emotionally close but they never ever micro-managed me.

if you’re children are living at home you are absolutely entitled to ask not to be disturbed, and set a curfew for when people come and go… I think it’s a very tricky dynamic, with young adults living for extended periods at home!

RechargeableGnu · 23/03/2025 00:31

They need to move out - I'm sorry, I'd hate to live with parents like you at their age.

healthadvice123 · 23/03/2025 00:34

I have one dc same age at home and another similar. I am also much more of a worrier than dh and don’t sleep great when they are out really late or unsure where they are. But i realise its more my problem. I do ask them to drop me a text etc and in the main they do.
they don’t make too much noise and no younger dc so i don’t have an issue with anyone being wokenI just can’t see how i could stop them either, but anyone can have any rules they want. My dc could not afford to move on their own so as adults they will want to come and go, i just expect them to be quiet when in late, give us a rough idea of when home etc and tidy up any mess, if they make a late night snack.
i sometimes think i get less sleep now than i did when they were babies

Kinut · 23/03/2025 00:34

You can’t ask an adult man to stay in so you’re not anxious. It’s ridiculously out of order.

Original poster
JellySky · 23/03/2025 00:36

Manyplanetsfromthesun · 23/03/2025 00:31

With genuine kindness… they are 21.

When I was 21 I was living fully independently from my parents in another country. I probably had some very late (early morning) nights but my parents weren’t part of the equation. My parents and I are still emotionally close but they never ever micro-managed me.

if you’re children are living at home you are absolutely entitled to ask not to be disturbed, and set a curfew for when people come and go… I think it’s a very tricky dynamic, with young adults living for extended periods at home!

Edited

Hi, yes I too lived independently at this age so I do get that, I had a 2 year old. It's been mentioned on similar threads though that adult DC at home is a different dynamic. DC isn't a mature 21 y/old either and they did turn 18 in lockdown so missed out on some of the rights of passage for a year.

My concern of an actual curfew is they would be in the moment and not come home then find themselves with nowhere to go which isn't safe and truth is I'm never going to turn my child away at any time so not sure how that's even enforceable. Open to ideas though!

OP posts:
Original poster
JellySky · 23/03/2025 00:38

Kinut · 23/03/2025 00:34

You can’t ask an adult man to stay in so you’re not anxious. It’s ridiculously out of order.

I get that, but what's the solution?

OP posts:
Original poster
JellySky · 23/03/2025 00:39

Just to add, I have an anxiety diagnosis, it's not a word I'm using out of context here.

OP posts:
Manyplanetsfromthesun · 23/03/2025 00:43

JellySky · 23/03/2025 00:36

Hi, yes I too lived independently at this age so I do get that, I had a 2 year old. It's been mentioned on similar threads though that adult DC at home is a different dynamic. DC isn't a mature 21 y/old either and they did turn 18 in lockdown so missed out on some of the rights of passage for a year.

My concern of an actual curfew is they would be in the moment and not come home then find themselves with nowhere to go which isn't safe and truth is I'm never going to turn my child away at any time so not sure how that's even enforceable. Open to ideas though!

Show quote history

In this case i think you need to learn to trust them then… figure out how to switch off the ‘noise’ when they are not at home.

I know it’s hard. Some CBT? there are a lot of NHS funded CBT courses…. I mean this only directed at your anxiety when they are ‘out’.

The noise disruption, coming it during the night, is a different challenge. On this at least, you can set the rules in your own house.

Velmy · 23/03/2025 00:50

JellySky · 23/03/2025 00:38

I get that, but what's the solution?

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Therapy. If you're anxious about them staying out for the night who's to say you won't be just as anxious about them moving out/living alone?

You need to work on that.

Eenameenadeeka · 23/03/2025 02:22

Your problem is your anxiety, not your child. Brushing their teeth and being out late are not unreasonable disruptions to a family home, you can't sleep because you are worrying, not because they are being unreasonably disruptive.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 23/03/2025 02:27

I think they should let you know of any change of plans, which they clearly do. But then, kindly, any anxiety about that is on you, OP.

Kinut · 23/03/2025 03:22

JellySky · 23/03/2025 00:38

I get that, but what's the solution?

Show quote history

Well, the solution is you tackle your anxiety.

Flossflower · 23/03/2025 03:27

Kinut · 23/03/2025 00:34

You can’t ask an adult man to stay in so you’re not anxious. It’s ridiculously out of order.

What has sex the sex of your child got to do with it?
Someone who clearly treats men and women differently.

PinkyFlamingo · 23/03/2025 03:31

JellySky · 23/03/2025 00:38

I get that, but what's the solution?

Show quote history

You get help with your anxiety obviously

doodahdayy · 23/03/2025 03:33

JellySky · 23/03/2025 00:38

I get that, but what's the solution?

Show quote history

Therapy. This isn’t on your son to solve

Differentstarts · 23/03/2025 03:41

This is a you problem your anxiety isn't your sons problem

Octavia64 · 23/03/2025 04:44

Normally what upsets people in these situations is the young adult coming home at 2/3/4 am and banging around.

your child got a hotel so as not to disturb you in the first night and was back at 7am on the second night which is so late it’s early and I’d be getting up already,

so it sounds like your problem is not so much that you get disturbed by noise but that you want your young adult child to sleep under your roof and go to bed early, as otherwise you get anxious.

i’m very sorry to repeat what others have said, but it does seem like your child is being very considerate (getting a hotel rather than coming back loudly in the small hours) and your anxiety is very much a you problem.

BlondiePortz · 23/03/2025 04:53

JellySky · 23/03/2025 00:38

I get that, but what's the solution?

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You work on your anxiety it is not fair to blame others for it

InSpainTheRain · 23/03/2025 05:58

I have 2 DC in their early 20s, 1 lives at home. You need to learn to let to and not be so anxious I know it's difficult but DC can't live their life based on your anxiety if the occasionally disturb you then get beary quiet ear plugs or similar

Longsummerdays25 · 23/03/2025 06:02

Yes it’s your anxiety not your child.
They are just living a normal life.
I worry too when my dd goes to parties, I think it’s natural, but I don’t blame or ask her to modify her behaviour. I simply accept I love her very much, and care what happens to her and I adapt by having earlier nights, and know it will pass one day. They all grow up eventually!

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 23/03/2025 06:09

JellySky · 23/03/2025 00:38

I get that, but what's the solution?

Show quote history

Deal with the anxiety however you deal with your anxiety about other things. It's for you to treat, not him.

Soundproof your bedroom. Living with 2 young adult males I had a fan going in my room, plus noise cancelling earbuds playing sleep music if one was out for the night and I really needed an unbroken sleep.

What other modifications could you both make depending on your home... can he keep a toothbrush downstairs, is there a back door he can come through quietly, can the dog sleep in a room where you won't hear the barking so much...? You both need to experiment a little and see what helps.

LittleBigHead · 23/03/2025 06:11

YABU. You need help for your unnatural and cloying anxiety. Your anxiety is not your DC’s responsibility.

GRex · 23/03/2025 06:16

Your child is telling you where they are and does not seem to have done anything unreasonable. Talk to a dog trainer about the barking as that really must stop, and talk to your GP about the anxiety as it sounds like you need some calming techniques for when your thoughts become erratic.

thinktwice36 · 23/03/2025 06:18

jellyfishperiwinkle · 23/03/2025 02:27

I think they should let you know of any change of plans, which they clearly do. But then, kindly, any anxiety about that is on you, OP.

This x100

does sound like they are being reasonable in terms of communication. They need to live a normal life, which they are. It’s not easy for young adults these days, far less likely to be able to afford their own places than previous generations at that age.

Your anxiety is something you need to work on to reduce, and certainly shouldn’t impact your child’s life in this way.

JustMyView13 · 23/03/2025 06:46

It’s your house, set out some ground rules and implement them. You can’t be expected to be woken at all hours because they’re coming and going.

Regarding you not sleeping whilst they’re out, you need to address this yourself. Getting a hotel and staying out is the best scenario for not disrupting your house and sleep.
They’re 21 so can live their life as they please BUT whilst they’re living under your roof, they follow your rules.

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