21 y/o living at home, evenings

[JellySky]

AIBU? My 21 year old went to a city on Tues last week for shopping and a few drinks with a friend train was booked on a return. DC let me know plans changed and they were getting a hotel, they didnt go out-out or drink heavy but wanted to stay longer than the last train home. I knew that would happen, it always does. It triggered my anxiety and I was annoyed as I had work then next morning and now wouldn't sleep well as I never do when they are away like this (they have worked away and that wasn't as bad on my anxiety).

Last night (Fri) they went out drinking, met a potential new partner and stayed out after clubs kicked out. They usually home by 5, at 6.30 I got a message that on way home and in at 7.15am.

That's 2 nights of very little sleep.

I thought I could benefit from a good sleep tonight so had just said the 7am thing is fine occasionally but need to let me know sooner if they're staying out all night like that but I understand being caught up after meeting someone you fancy etc. It's trick because the club doesn't close until 4.15am so even if they intend to come home, after getting chatting to someone it's easy to end up meeting the next day.

I dropped off to sleep tonight at about 11.15pm and was woken by DC brushing teeth at 11.45pm after an invite to go for a drive (2 guys, 2 girls so another potential romantic partner so I can see the draw of the fun) I wont sleep again worrying until they're back.

• sidenote: DC hasn't had a romantic interest for over a year so not concerned at these two 'dates' coming up a day apart -

We have a dog that barks when we come home so this means disturbed sleep for anyone who is asleep, I dont think the younger sibling gets woken though and is old enough not to care.

AIBU in thinking this is too much late night disruption in a family household? DH says DC needs their own place if they want to come and go as they please all hours.

I am clouded because of my own anxiety- if I wasn't a worrier I probably wouldn't care apart from the noise but the anxiety means I don't sleep.

AIBU to put rules in place on an adult DC around evenings? And what should any rules be?

If your DC staying out occasionally is that disruptive for you, due to your anxiety, then unfortunately they’ll need to move out. How would your anxiety be if they lived somewhere else, out of interest?

That just makes it even more important you view this as your issue to live with and not theirs in my opinion. I say this as someone who lived with a parents with one of the most severest of mental illness and then in turn was sectioned myself with an episode of hypomania when my kids were in their teens. I was fortunate, I got treated and home within a fortnight. My husband and I had two aims:to minimise the impact of my illness on our children and to help me stay as well as possible in the future. Like you I suffer from my anxiety all the time. My desire for control is huge and hecause I don’t want to be like my family I do s good job of hiding it… people would tell you I’m one of the most laidback parents they know but the kids have felt it. I’ve compensated by allowing them more freedom and the absolute right to profuse themselves over my feelings.

I do totally understand that it must be difficult for you. The two things that were the biggest threat to my health the psychiatrist told me were stress and less than 8 hours sleep a night. I would imagine that stress and lack of sleep have a larger than usual impact on you too. I really liked the suggested from a pp to get noise cancelling headphones, a fan in room etc. Your children sound considerate and kind and like they’re having fun and enjoying still living at home. My early childhood was so difficult I can’t even think about it closely. My late teen years and 20s were amazing though as my parents were determined themselves not to be like their parents. I didn’t think twice about asking my Mum to pick me up all times of the night and she had an open car policy. Anyone who didn’t have a secure way to get home was piled into the car and taken home too. My Dad was such a light sleeper but he never complained although he did tease us if, for example, he woke to the sound of my sister and her friend giggling nonstop in amongst vomitting in the bushes out the front.

It's ok people saying YABU but I get you. You cant just switch off and relax when they are out all hours. I was exactly the same when my DS went out. I just couldn't sleep and felt emotionally fraught. But I knew it was a me issue so I just had to get on with it. He ended up moving out just turned 19 for his career as he relocated and I must admit after a few uneasy weeks it did cure me. Not waiting for him to come home seemed to really be a turning point in letting go. No other helpful suggestions I'm afraid but when you suffer like this it is draining and I sympathise.

I actually think this is more a you issue and something you should try to adjust to. It sounds like they're fairly respectfully, updating you of their plans so you're not wondering if they're coming home or not.

You having anxiety about an adult doing perfectly normal things isn't really something you should put onto them. The 11:45 pm teeth brushing and waking you up sounds annoying but if this is a one off I wouldn't get to wound up about it.

Your dc is not being unreasonable. It is much more difficult to move out than it was year ago so I would not be asking my child to move out.

Boundary that might work are not being out late 2 nights in a row until you have worked through it. Or try and keep to weekends only. Perhaps having your phone on silent so you don't see text updates until the morning.