Hen party

[Mrsdtobe1912]

AIBU to pull out of a hen I’ve already agreed on going whilst I’m also bridesmaid?
My best friend of 20 years is due to be wed and I’ve been asked to be her bridesmaid along with 7 others. Honoured that she asked and of course agreed. I love her and FH to pieces. Also agreed to her hen as I was under the impression it was in UK. Bride mentioned she wanted it abroad but had not yet finalised where,when, costs or even who’s attending. So I still said yes. All in a group chat and sending over holidays and bookings etc. Bride agreed on a booking.com apartment for the 14 attending and we booked it with free cancellation incase it booked out. Anyway, unbeknown to a lot of us half of those 14 had dropped out. 2 of them are also bridesmaids Bride went ahead and booked flights asking us all to transfer the costs over to her. £540, accommodation not included. I had no choice but to send that money over but felt sick due to the cost. If I knew it was that much I’d of never agreed as it was a struggle to scrape that amount together. Since those who have pulled out our accommodation costs have now risen too per person. Almost doubled. The hen is now only 4 weeks away, the group chat has gone dry. Bride already mentioned about themes and colours etc for the hen but again nothing confirmed. I’ve messaged for them to be read and ignored, I’ve messaged about plans whilst there, again ignored and also transfer when we land. Group chat has gone silent. I have not yet paid my accommodation until we arrive, will need around £500 spends plus outfits too. After all the ignored messages and the costs rising I’m half debating sending her a message to say I can no longer attend and it’s out of my budget. Cut my losses and loose out on the flight money I’ve spent or go and spend another £500 on spends, £180 accommodation and however much on purchasing clothing and then again more money on transfers. I can not afford it right now as I’ve recently lost my job it means I will have to chip into savings. But I’m also hurt by the lack of communication by the bride and the rest of the party/hens. I don’t want this to alter our friendship as I do love her dearly I just feel she’s been very selfish. I reached out to her and told her I’d lost my job and she didn’t seem too interested, asked her about wedding plans. Meeting up, bridesmaid dress shopping and all half hearted messages. Not saw her since end of Jan. My feelings are really hurt and I understand she’s probably having a stressful time right now too but I just don’t know what to do. I’m dreading it, what messages have been sent in the group chat of the bridesmaids I do not know and others attending the hen have been bitchy, they’ve argued, struggled to agree on stuff. My anxiety is high right now and this whole thing is setting it off worse. Would you be upset if you was the bride, would you understand? Of course if it was me I’d be broken hearted but I’d be dealing with it properly not leaving people in the lurch

I don't think you're being unreasonable to not want to put any more money into this, especially after losing your job. She doesn't sound like much of a friend if she didn't even find it in herself to show some empathy or interest in your important life updates. You asking us if we'd be upset as the bride is tough - if I were me as a bride in this situation I'd say I'd be sad (and maybe secretly stressed about covering costs) but I'd understand your situation completely and I would never blame you. However I don't think me and this bride have similar thought processes by the sounds of things so I can't say she would have the same reaction to me! If she is awful or hostile to you and doesn't acknowledge your situation then maybe she isn't the friend you thought she was and maybe this is a good opportunity to see where this friendship is headed?

You had me at 8 bridesmaids.

It’s all utterly ridiculous. The sheer amount of bridesmaids for a start. Then you can see others have dropped out because of the expense. If I were you in your position I would drop out as well. You can’t afford it which is fair enough. Others could not afford it either. Just because someone plans things badly doesn’t mean you have to go along with it.

I’d be furious about flights. She should have checked before booking. I wonder if others are feeling same as you and that’s why it’s gone quiet

Can you reign it back in? Cheaper accommodation now there's less of you? Splitting funds to get drinks/food to eat in?
I'd try and get everyone back on board in the group chat. I bet the others aren't wanting the costs to keep going up too.

Also what on earth is the nonsense about themes and colours for a bloody hen do.

Is she in the group chat? The one being ignored?

No I would not go. Its not what you agreed to. Why wouldn't anyone be looking for smaller accommodation? If 7 of you are going you don't need a place for 14.

I suspect the answer is because noone intends to go and is expecting to eat the £540 cost. You might even be eligible for a refund on the flight tax which would be something.

Eight bridesmaids! My cousin had eight. It looked like a rugby scrum fighting its way up the aisle.

8 bridesmaids is ridiculous. Booking £500 flights without approval is ridiculous. Expecting people to cover the costs of others dropping out is ridiculous. Not replying to messages is rude. Not checking in about your job loss is rude.

She will absolutely be pissy if you drop out, that’s clearly the sort of person she is going to be. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t drop out, because she sounds like an utter bell end.

I’ve tried everything you’ve suggested and each message has been ignored by all attending plus herself

Yep bride is in the chat. She’s reading and not replying along with everyone else. I’ve done everything from looking for new accommodation, checking out t&c’s of who we are flying with to see if we can change it to a package instead. Made suggestions in chat, all of which are being totally ignored. I really do believe some people feel same as me.

You need to send a firm message telling her you won't be going. Why on earth has it got to this ridiculous stage?

Is the brides costs being met by everyone else? If so, no wonder she doesn't care about the cost!
Bug out now before it's just you 2 and costing you 10k!!

You need to prioritise yourself. You e lost your job, you now can’t afford to waste money on this.

just send another message to the group and say as you told to ‘bride’ you lost your job recently and can no longer attend.

then leave it at that. Leave the group chat too if you like. Wait to hear from the bride but don’t give any more explanations

This sounds ridiculous but you need to speak to her soon if you're thinking of dropping out. Have you found cheaper accommodation costs? If so I'd message her directly saying you are already over budget and your messages are being ignored so you don't feel comfortable going or that you have found cheaper accommodating qnd willing to go if costs are kept down but bear in mind there will be food, drink and entertainment costs too presumably.

What is it hen dos and weddings? It turns usually reasonable women into absolute monsters and prima donnas. Just so they can pretend to be a princess for a day? With that price tag, there should have been a discussion as to whether it's still viable, not just assumed everyone could afford it.

You're not being unreasonable at all. You need to be blunt that it's too much and either the other stuff hets scaled back, as you've already very reasonably suggested, or you're out.

My DD once got suckered in to going to a very expensive hen do. Now on principle she declines any that are not in the UK. £540 just to get to the place is absurd, and OP, YWNBU at all to decide not to throw good money after bad.

I think I would happily take the loss of the flight money and just not go. If they’re arguing on the group chat it will be absolute hell on earth in a house share in a foreign country and with drinking involved.
I remember hiding in a McDonald’s for most of the morning on one hen weekend that was very volatile.

Call the bride and say that worrying about the spiraling costs of this hen do and the lack of response to messages is making you ill. Say that the accommodation is now excessive given the size of your group and you can't afford to plug the gap left by all the hens who have now dropped out. Tell her that unless cheaper accommodation is found and booked within the next few days and arrangements are made for other things like airport transfers and activities out so you know how much it is going to cost and are able to pay, you will have no choice but to suck up the cost of the flight and drop out.

Good that half the people have dropped out. Serves her right for all this OTT nonsense and expense she is putting everyone through. There’s no way you should be sending her any more money having lost your job. If she can’t understand that then why should you feel bad about backing out. Do it now and leave it be. It sounds like it’s going to be awful anyway if the chat is anything to go by.

In which case I'd be looking to exit because its not on for her to ignore you.

Message her directly and ask her to go for a coffee (because ideally you'll have a conversation). When she ignores you I'd send her a message just saying something like

Hey X, hope you're doing OK - it's been a while since we spoke. I'm a bit concerned that the group chat has gone silent since the flights were booked. Is something going on? As you'll have seen, I've been trying to move things forward but I'm just getting no replies to the point that I don't think the hen do I'd going to happen, not unless everyone rapidly agrees new accommodation plans, because there's no sense in paying for 14 spaces when there are only 7 people going. Having said that, I am concerned about costs more generally- I've lost my job and therefore my finances are in a very different place to when we started making hen do plans. I'm now in a position where I can budget £X money, without being so skint that I'll be living on beans for the next six months, and that's for everything: hotel, food, outfits, kitty. Can we have a talk about whether my attendance is even tenable on that budget? I'd really rather get this sorted sooner than later. I'm sure you're feeling horribly stressed too, so please let's talk xx.

Absolutely do this ^^
Clearly, others have felt the costs were getting out of control, which is why they have dropped out.

You don't owe anyone else anything as they have been ignoring you so please don't feel guilty about dropping out.

And message her privately ASAP because if more people drop put or she gets to you first, you're going to be in a reactive space to a bride in a woe-is-me space, batching about the other hens, and feeling like you need to reassure her (and probably pay loads more money out of pressure and misplaced guilt for her feeling sorry for herself) so you need to be proactive to.instogate and lead the conversation.

You're absolutely right that everyone is backtracking and pissed off, same as you. I'm sorry you're I'm this position, you must be so stressed and worried.

Fwiw, the sooner you rip off the plaster and talk/text her, you will feel relieved, even if she doesn't react well. It will only fester the longer it's left and you have enough on your plate without feeling stressed about this too. X

This is completely ridiculous. The chats are spiralling out of control. You would not be unreasonable to not go op. I assume the bride is organising all this, so why is she not responding?

Ah, so she's one of those brides.

Ditch bridesmaids duties too, they'll be equally expensive.