Hen party

[Mrsdtobe1912]

AIBU to pull out of a hen I’ve already agreed on going whilst I’m also bridesmaid?
My best friend of 20 years is due to be wed and I’ve been asked to be her bridesmaid along with 7 others. Honoured that she asked and of course agreed. I love her and FH to pieces. Also agreed to her hen as I was under the impression it was in UK. Bride mentioned she wanted it abroad but had not yet finalised where,when, costs or even who’s attending. So I still said yes. All in a group chat and sending over holidays and bookings etc. Bride agreed on a booking.com apartment for the 14 attending and we booked it with free cancellation incase it booked out. Anyway, unbeknown to a lot of us half of those 14 had dropped out. 2 of them are also bridesmaids Bride went ahead and booked flights asking us all to transfer the costs over to her. £540, accommodation not included. I had no choice but to send that money over but felt sick due to the cost. If I knew it was that much I’d of never agreed as it was a struggle to scrape that amount together. Since those who have pulled out our accommodation costs have now risen too per person. Almost doubled. The hen is now only 4 weeks away, the group chat has gone dry. Bride already mentioned about themes and colours etc for the hen but again nothing confirmed. I’ve messaged for them to be read and ignored, I’ve messaged about plans whilst there, again ignored and also transfer when we land. Group chat has gone silent. I have not yet paid my accommodation until we arrive, will need around £500 spends plus outfits too. After all the ignored messages and the costs rising I’m half debating sending her a message to say I can no longer attend and it’s out of my budget. Cut my losses and loose out on the flight money I’ve spent or go and spend another £500 on spends, £180 accommodation and however much on purchasing clothing and then again more money on transfers. I can not afford it right now as I’ve recently lost my job it means I will have to chip into savings. But I’m also hurt by the lack of communication by the bride and the rest of the party/hens. I don’t want this to alter our friendship as I do love her dearly I just feel she’s been very selfish. I reached out to her and told her I’d lost my job and she didn’t seem too interested, asked her about wedding plans. Meeting up, bridesmaid dress shopping and all half hearted messages. Not saw her since end of Jan. My feelings are really hurt and I understand she’s probably having a stressful time right now too but I just don’t know what to do. I’m dreading it, what messages have been sent in the group chat of the bridesmaids I do not know and others attending the hen have been bitchy, they’ve argued, struggled to agree on stuff. My anxiety is high right now and this whole thing is setting it off worse. Would you be upset if you was the bride, would you understand? Of course if it was me I’d be broken hearted but I’d be dealing with it properly not leaving people in the lurch

Costs not chats.

Can you try a very open and honest ultimatum?l to the group?

Is this hen happening? Who is definitely coming? Do we need to change the accommodation? If I don’t get an answer by #, I am out.

There’s probably a politer way to say it.

Accommodation booked wirh free cancellation but what's the cut off date for this?

If deadline has passed, I'd say you should pay your pro rata share of the original cost. Not your problem if others have pulled out, but equally you can't expect others to subsidise you

What is it about weddings that turn people into such crazy people?

Watch out in case this thread gets picked up by Facebook etc

Although I also agree with many other PPs. It too much money, you hadn’t actually approved the actual cost, you should cut your losses and not go.

Sorry OP but you're being a mug here. Cancel flight (see if you can be reimbursed) and tell bride you lost your job and can't go on her hen do. That's it. She doesn't seem to care about you at all. I would never impose an expensive hen do on friends, That's ridiculous and entitled. Tell her you're not coming ! And choose your friends better.

Half her hen s have dropped out and the reality of the mess she's created has hit home. She is ignoring you because she doesn't want to face it.

You're reasonable to cut your losses. Tell her now

Before pulling out you need to ring and speak to her.

I dont think this hen do will go ahead as it is but noone is being brave enough to say that.

Its going to end up with a very few people absorbing massive costs but none of the blame will go to the ones that have already pulled out, bride and remaining hens will blame the late puller outers eg you

you all need to get together to firm plans even if that includes you not going (which sadly I dont think will be taken well judging by her and other hens current behaviour and I imagine genuine disappointment that her hen is now not the big girls trip she had planned ) but just pulling out without a discussion doesnt seem fair

Is there no one in the chat you can message separately?

I think the plan should have been changed as soon as people started to drop out. Where’s she going that costs over £500 for flights?

I disagree. Why should OP give her the courtesy of calling to speak to her? She's been ignored multiple times

The bride should have had costs worked out in full from the beginning so people could make informed decisions. It's 100% her own fault so many people have cancelled, when she's constantly added additional costs.

If this is a reflection of her planning ability then I really hope she's had help with the wedding or that'll be a shit show as well.

This bride thinks it’s all a one way street. She expects you to be intensely involved and supportive of her life event but can’t be bothered to reciprocate about yours.

It may be that she is struggling with the drop outs and the cost, financial and otherwise, of choosing such a large number of bridesmaids and trying to force her friends to spend so much money on her hen and cover the costs of those who have dropped out.

it is obvious that your concerns and attempts to reign in her extravagances are being ignored and as a result you will probably be ignored on the trip for not being supportive enough.

If she wants the best and most expensive hen/wedding ever she should shoulder the cost of that and not force her friends to. By (very reasonably) questioning her choices on the WhatsApp you are challenging her belief she can compel everyone to fork out for her special day. Having a hen do is supposed to be about friends volunteering to come together to celebrate her marriage, not about the bride bludgeoning her friends into spending huge amounts.

If she started with 8 bridesmaids (ridiculous) you are hardly ruining things by dropping out of the hen and being sacked as a bridesmaid. It’s very reasonable to do so because of your redundancy and I’d do it quickly before the others you suspect want to, drop out, leaving you stuck having to go through with it.

A wedding is the start of a marriage and not some vast expensive show.

Sounds like people have already dropped out and that's why the group chat has gone quiet.

Call her up, ask her what is going on with the hen, and then make it clear that you can't afford the hen do abroad but if she wants to do something more affordable and closer to home then you'll absolutely do your best to be there. But you need to actually speak to her to find out what is going on.

I can see this from both sides tbh. While yes expensive costs are completely unreasonable, it must be really disappointing to have all your friends disagree on what to do/where to stay and then for people to drop out, that can't be a nice feeling. So just talk to her directly to find out what is going on. If you still don't get an answer, drop out and dotn feel bad about it in the slightest.

It was so much easier when henny nights were going out for a chinese meal and a few drinks. It has now become an obscenity.

I’ve messaged bride separately with multiple questions & general chit chat. All questions of hen has been ignored and the rest of the conversations have had Half hearted replies.
brides mother was like a mum to me as a child growing up and I have a brilliant relationship with her. I’ve even spoken to her too and she’s feeling pretty annoyed as well. She too is unsure on what’s happening, kept saying well “I’ve heard we are doing this, I’ve heard we are going here, wearing this etc” I’ve asked who informed her of this as I was none of the wiser and she said the bride, her daughter. Also then went on to say she still wasn’t fully sure as nothing has been confirmed says her daughter who’s the bride just says the bridesmaid and moh are sorting it and will inform everyone. I am a bridesmaid and the chat we are in all have had 0 plans, no conversations for weeks. Mum of the bride has informed me that the members of family who are attending are also in the lurch of unknown

Sounds like it's all fallen apart and probably more have dropped out. The bride will probably come back a week ahead of time with a ridiculous amount it'll now all cost. Unless she's flapping behind the scenes and trying to pull something else together.

I'd message in the group chat once more and say ...

"Hi, with proposed plans only a month away I need to know what's happening please? I have a budget I'll need to follow, and if I can no longer afford it then sadly I cannot make the trip anymore. If you can let me know by this week. Thanks".

And I'd only be so polite as you're close to her mum!

I think its time to stop shilly shallying. Write an honest and blunt message. "Hey guys, what is going on with this hen do? I have written several messages and had no response from anybody. Just want to put it out there that if nothing is resolved by the end of today I am pulling out. No hard feelings or anything and will see you all at the wedding."

I agree that you should do this @Mrsdtobe1912

Self indulgent twat. Just don't go. They'll probably get divorced anyway.

As you are close to the brides mum, and as the brides mum knows it's a shit show, then I would say to brides mum that you are going to ask bride again what is happening and what the likely budget will be, and if you can't get a sensible answer then you will have to drop out. Make sure she knows you have lost your job and swallowing the cost of what you have already paid is one thing, but laying yourself open to further unbudgeted spending is not viable. I am sure this won't ruin your relationship with the mum, she sounds annoyed by it all.

She's ignored you again OP, you're wasting your time and you need to just rip the plaster off and pull out.

Hi bride, I've tried to get some concrete info from you regarding the hen to figure out whether I could be there but with the lack of certainty around costs I'm going to have to pull out I'm afraid. As you know, I've lost my job and things are extremely tight at the minute. I hope you have a lovely time and look forward to the wedding x

She is being incredibly rude and ridiculous.

The time for you to continue to be nice is over as she is not respecting any body else in all of this.

I think you either ring her and be blunt or you send a blunt message into the group chat that you are now having to pull out due to finances and no information.

It sounds like the bridezilla is going to lose a lot of friends over this.

Drop out and think no more of it. If they can’t give you the decency of replying then don’t reply to them when the questions start coming as to your reasons why you’ve dropped out. They know. They’re just being dicks.

I would do this OP, and if she won't take the call, put it all in the group chat. Then if no one replies again, you have clearly stated you will be pulling out die to their lack of organisation and can do so guilt free.

Are the other bridesmaids closer? Could they possibly have another group chat going? Or do you know any of then we'll enough to message directly?

It sounds very stressful, I hope you hear something soon.

I would cut you losses and pull out now. You have the perfect reason being as you have lost your job recently.

I should imagine her Hen party is going to be very reduced in numbers at this rate. The cost of flights are already too high before accommodation, transfers and then spending money.

People have budgets and want to know their commitments to a holiday like this. They don’t want to spend way in excess of £1k.

The fact she’s having 8 bridesmaids and mentions themes for her hen party tells you all you need to know.

It’s all going to end in tears predictably and I’m afraid it’s all on her for ridiculous behaviour.