mothers day expectations

[weightstrugglinmum]

So, AIBU, or a bitch, or what? Please tell me your thoughts, or if you have ever done something similar.

So next week is mother's day. Dh will not do anything special on this day for me, never has. The past however many years, we've gone to see his mum. It dawned on me last year that I don't actually want to spend my mother's day, seeing his mum, so we went the day before instead. My mum passed away when I wad a child, so it's a day mixed emotions for me, especially since becoming a mum myself.

Now here's the thing. My dh never spends time with us on weekends, or comes anywhere with us. Ever. Unless it serves him (e.g. he might spot a new species of bird where we're going that particular day). I'm default parent, always. I can count on one hand how many times he came anywhere with us last year. My oldest actually prefers that he doesn't come anywhere with us, because he says its more relaxing. Dh is very selfish and to quote "doesn't want to spend his time at playgrounds". He hardly ever lets me know his plans, or check they're ok, and he hardly ever asks what we're doing, or if we've had a nice time.

So here's the thing. Next weekend he'll assume we'll go to his mums for a mothers day visit, either day, because that will suit him. AIBU to just treat it as another weekend and make plans with the kids, that I won't change, because I'll 'assume' he's too busy to spend time with us, as usual?

Also, just to add. I am getting my ducks in a row slowly, I feel so so sad for my kids especially when I see other attentive/unselfish dads out and about.

Yanbu...he sounds awful. Sorry op...do something nice with your DC instead

He doesn't mark it as a special weekend for you, so don't prioritise it for him. Let him go and see his mum and enjoy the day with your children.

Mother's day is not the problem here. Your DH is the problem

It’s good you’re planning to leave him. Do whatever you enjoy with your kids on Mother’s Day. LTB asap.

That selfish, miserable sod will soon be your ex and I'm pleased to hear it. Celebrate YOUR mother's day as you choose with your dcs next week, sod him and any expectation to see the woman who raised such a self serving and thoughless tool..I hope you have a lovely day and good luck with leaving x

Do what you want op. Life’s too short to waste.

Thank you eveyone for your thoughts and kind messages, I've been so beaten down by him and his negatively and emotional abuse at times, it feels really hard to do this, and quietly reassert myself, but I absolutely will, and I've already planned a lovely weekend

I completely understand your position, but if your MIL likes to see her grandchildren, it does feel a bit like you’re punishing her to get at him.

This is her Mothers problem to deal with not yours. It's also unfair on you having to drive her home at 2 am.
Please stick to your guns the other children are finding ot tedious too.

Sorry wrong thread.

This is the bit I wrestled with the most, I would love my kids to have a nice relationship with her, but she makes hardly any effort with them, sees them only a handful of times a year, and is pretty mentally absent when she does see them, and just wonders off and starts doing things if we're there,

They try to talk to her and show her things, and she's generally pretty dismissive, so they have no real interest in seeing her.

You aren't his mum. Of course he should spend time with his mum

Obviously the real problem isn't mother's day, it's your husband in general, but absolutely do what you want on the day that is all about celebrating you.

Her mil will see her child. The selfish wanker she raised. Op is actively mothering. Alone. It is her day first and foremost.

If you don’t enjoy doing something, not doing it just because someone wants you to isn’t “punishing” them.

I’m struggling to see why this is the OP’s problem to care about. If it was the Grandmother’s birthday, and the OP arranged other plans, then I might be more sympathetic to this argument. But on Mother’s Day? When the OP is a mother? And her DH has organised nothing for her? No. Your point is ridiculous frankly is emotional blackmail designed to make the wife responsible for the emotions of other people, and in particular on this occasion, her husband’s mother. If anyone has to consider her feelings and make arrangements here, it is her own child, not the OP.

Punishing her MIL for wanting to have her own mother's day with her own children? Really?

Sounds like a selfish woman raised a selfish man . He gets his lack of interest from her so it seems like she wouldn’t care if you and the children are there or not anyway … enjoy your own day with your children .

Thank you all for your comments.

Yes just to clarify, I.don't care that he will see his mum around mothers day. What I was thinking was his assumption/expection that me and kids will go too, because it serves him. It serves him because he has a tricky.relationship with his mum, the kids are a bit of a distraction, and I make small talk with her. So he often tends to plonk us there and disappear.

He never wants to spend time with us, but when it serves him, he expects us to comply. And it's just heightened now because of mothers day.

He never visits my parents, if they come to visit, he says a quick hello then disappears,they've given up asking where he is, if we visit them. They often ask if he ever spends time with us. When his mum has occasionally visited us, he has disappeared and not beencontactable, and at times hes done that too when.we've been due to.visit her. Just leaves me to deal with it all.

He is perfectly capable of taking the kids around it just means he will have to actually you know, parent them

It is not the OP job to facilitate that relationship
He would be punishing his mother by not taking them

YANBU.

Tell us your lovely plans OP.

Honestly, I could have written this thread about my own now ex husband. How long have you been together, OP? My youngest DD recently said that she has no memories of her dad being there when she was young. I wish you all the best moving forward without him. Once you come out the other side of it all, life will feel so much sweeter for you and your DCs.
Enjoy your Mother's Day - definitely don't dance to his tune on your day!

I would say to organise something nice for you and the kids for Mothers' Day. Let them know in advance (i.e. this weekend) that it's Mothers' Day next weekend and take them to a shop with £5 or £10 to choose you a gift - they will be excited! And then next weekend, take them out for lunch at a café to mark the occasion. It will be a lovely day.

Did you marry him for his money? Is he exceptionally good looking?

What attracted you to this man?

Make traditions with your own children. I mean what is the point of your DH anyway?

Personally now the kids are adults we don’t bother with Mother’s Day or Father’s Day for anyone in our family. I might pull out a couple of the handmade cards from when they were kids. But, it’s not a big deal in our house. I send a small gift and card to my parents but it is meaningless in my heart and I help them in other ways throughout the year which is far more valuable.