To ask how you coped without a support network?

[SharkyandGeorge5]

I have a 4 year old and 2 year old. My parents are useless and my in laws are non existent. I work part time but am the full time parent during my kids' waking hours. My oldest has nursery two days a week. At weekends both of us are at home.
I'm exhausted.
If you didn't have a support network when you needed one how did you cope? Any life hacks/ tricks of the trade I need to know about?

I didn't have a support network apart from DH, you don't mention if you have a partner or not. No hacks it's just head down and get on with it and eventually it gets better.

Yup, same here. The early years nearly broke me, but sleep when the kids sleep and to hell with the house. I wish someone had told me it WILL get easier because it absolutely does. Just hang in there.

I just got tough. We lived in a different country to all of both our families, and moved away from friends to a different part of the UK for work while still on mat leave with DS. We never had any childcare we didn’t pay for, and DH’s job involved him being away every weekend for much of the year. I worked FT.

I’m in the same position, 4 year old and a 1 year old and no family nearby. I am just trying to get on with it really but I’m also have ASD and ADHD so finding it very hard at the moment. One thing me and DH are trying to do is to both take some time out by ourselves so we get a bit of a break, so one lie in each at the weekend and both do something for ourselves whilst the other looks after the kids every week or two.

With no choice, and I don’t have a partner either so it’s only ever been me. Kids don’t see their father, I don’t cope but have no choice but to force myself.

make sure you both do even amounts of work and just be exhausted for a bit. then it gets better.

Work 4 days a week so I have a day (school hours at least) to myself without any responsibilities.

Pay for private counselling so at least have emotional support if nothing practical.

Work bloody hard at work to climb the ladder and pay for all of the above.

It’s HARD and yes it does get easier as children get older - really felt a change with transition to high school - not having to do school runs/wrap around childcare - a bit of freedom!

I dunno if we’re just ‘lucky’ but no real family support here since my eldest was 2ish due to illness. We’re now circa 11 and 8 and things seem fine: we both work full time still, including late evenings occasionally, kids do clubs etc. We don’t do much socialising or play with other kids but do every now and then but we just make it work. Be organised, plan in advance I’d say and hope you’re either lucky to avoid sickness or work to keep yourself healthy however you can. It’s many people’s normal you just need to work it out in the best way for you.

When I need help I hire a nanny, cleaner whatever I need. I find hired help better than family.

We didn't really have anyone, my parents died young and my husband's parents were working full-time when we had kids.

We both worked full-time, but my husband was a retail store manager so he did some evenings/weekends, which saved money on child care because I worked 7-3:30 M-F. Other than that, you just power through.

No help here either. Agree with previous posters to really focus on you and your partner working as a team, giving each other a rest/time for exercise etc at least once a week if possible. Also try not to compare your situation to others with lots of family help, in my experience it just makes you sad, and obviously won’t change anything. Other than that, just powering through and finding the small, slow delights amidst the chaos with your wonderful children :)

I'll probably get shot down for this but I honestly don't understand how two small children have become such a burden, it used to be the norm and 'support', ie unpaid help, wasn't necessarily there, we were abroad so no family to 'help' aka interfere, it was blissful and that was with part time working when they were a bit older.

Yes, I’ve been there, I see you. It’s tough.Having to think, plan, shop, do everything all on you sucks. It’s relentless.

Just think how proud you can feel that you’re doing this by yourself - how strong you are to be doing that.

If you have a reliable partner, tag team with them as much as possible. Don’t have two parents on a chore/outing/mealtime/bedtime that one person could do alone. That way you get much needed micro-breaks.

Take weekends, too. Even just taking it in turns to book into a travelodge for a night once a month is money 100% well spent.

Don’t forget to eat right, take exercise (even if you literally have kids climbing on you while you do yoga, or have to push a pram on a wall/run) and take naps at the weekends.

Find a cheap local cafe/pub that you’re happy to sit in alone/with kids for a cuppa/lunch/when you just need a bit of nurture.

Know that you’re in the trenches now but it gets easier and very soon you’ll have bigger kids who look up to you as their whole world (who can also take the odd go at easy chores too!)

Force yourself to recognise the laughs and the good times. Your little family will be the strongest unit ever. Remember to take all the photos, the days are long but the years goes by fast. You’ve got this.

what kind of support would you like? That’s what it distils down to.

you only mention your children’s grandparents but that’s one very narrow source of support. I understand, my parents are dead Actually I was nursing my mother through her terminal illness when I had toddler dc so she couldn’t be of practical assistance but I could moan at her a bit and she could be an ear, and she could tell me stories about my own childhood which is something I miss a lot. She never met her other two grandchildren. Anyway, the point is what type of support you’d like. And how to find it. You can get support from a partner if you have one, from siblings, extended family, from friends, acquaintances, neighbours. From volunteer and charitable organisations, local government organisations, from paid staff, Nannies childminders, babysitters, cleaners, dog walkers, sometimes from people you don’t even know.

For example - When I was a single parent of young toddler DC my 60 something neighbour used to mow my lawn when he did his. Unbidden, he was kind.

Friends - friends are absolutely the biggest support to most of us. We holiday with friends so someone’s always watching the kids. I babysit for a wide range of friends, always have - I’m trustworthy and I like kids. I babysit for them and then they do for me, and the kids are all used to hanging out together. We have good old fashioned sleepovers and we rock up to each others houses kids in tow and we all stay over, make food, play games, we share the load. I host regularly and my dc always have stacks of friends over - it’s much easier for me. Mine are a little older now so I come home from work regularly to find 10-12 pairs of shoes by the front door so I get advance warning of how many kids are in the house

Pay - a childminder you like who can babysit the odd evening. The teen from over the road who can come over for two hours after school so you can go for a run. Gym membership with a crèche. Playgroups. Mine have done brownies, cubs, ballet, gym, street dance, chess club, board games club, swimming, football, all sorts. I’ve volunteered at the groups but also they help to get the dcs skills and confidence up which in turn helps you. And you don’t have to be in charge of an activity for an hour or so which helps with headspace and so on. You’ll be able to leave your oldest at least at groups and classes now so you can explore options to help ease the load.

And let the other parent step up so you can go out for a nice long walk or a hot coffee

Oh and just avoid any friends who take their family support network for granted and constantly drop it into conversation. I used to find that extremely draining.

I have a 6yo and 2yo. No support network - both sets of parents live abroad. That's quite common where we are and it's normal not to have family living nearby. We just get on with it. I'm a sahm and DH works ft, but he can be flexible so he can wfh if we have a clash with dcs. He goes into the office most days, but we chose a house within walking distance so he can be home within 10 mins (much shorter than a typical London commute) so is home every evening early enough to eat dinner, help with homework and bath/bedtime. We usually take one dc each for bedtimes and one of us helps with homework while the other plays with the younger one.

We've used pt nursery from age 2.5 (paid for, as our income is above thresholds for help), and at younger ages I used a lot of paid classes and activities to keep the dcs busy and entertained. Eldest does extracurriculars every day after school (some in school so it means a later pickup), and activity camps during school holidays (fun ones like forest school or musical theatre) so I'm often mostly just with my toddler.

At weekends it's just me and DH and the dcs. We do all our parenting together at weekends (rather than one parent taking both dcs to give the other parent time on their own). Mainly because it's enough of a break for me to have DH as an extra pair of hands, and also because we plan fun trips out at weekends with the kids so I quite enjoy it.

No help (due to geographical distance from family and them working full time still). And my closest mum friends were in the same position.

We didn't think anything of it, to be honest. If anything I felt fortunate as my closest mum friends didn't even have DHs around much of the time as they were late commuters and also travelled abroad on business. We just got on with it.

I suppose I was fortunate that it was different times (three decades ago) when more mums were home with their babies/toddlers/ pre-schoolers. So I had a social life during the day, and we had baby sitting circles etc. so my advice would be to work really hard at finding mum friends when you're not at work. Go to groups, and don't be shy to suggest a coffee or play date to anyone who looks like they might be your kind of person.

Make sure you are as self sufficient as possible and play the long game with earnings and what you can achieve, but make sure you get to know as many of your neighbors, school or nursery mum's, everyone around you locally, as much as possible. You need a village. Learn who you can trust. A lot of people don't have the family support they would like in different ways and you can help each other.

We had no support, my Mum had a stroke whilst I was pregnant with my eldest, and my DHs family is in the Netherlands.

I then got pregnant with twins when eldest was 18 months old 😫

We had a cleaner twice a week even whilst I was on maternity leave, and then I reduced my hours to part time, and it was cheaper to have a nanny than 3 x nursery fees.

Once the dc all started school we moved to Au Pairs.

Basically like a pp we bought in the help we needed.

We are not a high income family, so it's meant compromises, like camping holidays, no new cars etc but it was definitely worth it to get through the early years especially.

Thank you for such a lovely post. Sometimes it matters so much just to be 'seen'.
I love them so much, it's very rewarding and I enjoy so much - just sometimes it would be nice to get off the 4 year spinning wheel of work I've found myself on 😂
Thank you for mentioning self care too - the mum guilt is real and it's nice to know it gets easier 🙏

Love the walk and coffee ideas! Xx

Depends what you mean and what kind of support you are looking for. DH and I moved to France when DS1 was only 5 months old, so we’ve never had any family close by. We took a lot of stress out of it by me being a SAHM for 10 years - meant DH could work and not worry about sick kids, school run etc. And I built up a brilliant network of friends - we are still close today though our ‘’babies’ are 17/18!

Just had one child, and accepted we would be skint from nursery fees for a few years. Some weeks are still a nightmare though.

Ok it does kinda piss me off when people moan about having no support network when they have a DH living with them. I would class a DH as a support network, I live alone with my DD & it’s relentless. If you share the load with a partner than surely that counts? I’d give anything to have someone just to lean on from time to time. No family, no support, nada.

When you accept it is what it is and don't compare to other peoples situations it gets easier. It did for me anyway. If I'm honest in the toddler/pre-school years I often felt hard done by because me and dh didn't have the option of date nights or working late etc.

We've muddled our way through, changing jobs and working hours when needed. My career took a hit for a few years but is back on track now.

As they get older and more independent it gets easier. We haven't hit the teen years yet but it's already massively easier than it was.