To ask how you coped without a support network?

[SharkyandGeorge5]

I have a 4 year old and 2 year old. My parents are useless and my in laws are non existent. I work part time but am the full time parent during my kids' waking hours. My oldest has nursery two days a week. At weekends both of us are at home.
I'm exhausted.
If you didn't have a support network when you needed one how did you cope? Any life hacks/ tricks of the trade I need to know about?

If you have a reliable partner, tag team with them as much as possible. Don’t have two parents on a chore/outing/mealtime/bedtime that one person could do alone. That way you get much needed micro-breaks.

This.
Also, ask friends who they use to babysit, and pay a sitter now and then. It's good to go out with your partner now and then.

But also each ringfence a time to do something you enjoy - whether that is playing 5-a-side, or singing in a choir, or going to a book group, or volunteering somewhere, or whatever. That time doing something where you not just 'so-and so' Mum', can be really restorative and refreshing. It also widens your social circle, and your 'village'.

Even when you are tired and don't feel like it,get out the house. Go to kids groups, talk to other mums. You don't have to be besties with anyone but those little interactions make the world of difference. You can find support in community but to get support you also have to give it. By that I mean, showing up, being part of the community, chatting with people, a friendly smile or a wave to those familiar faces.

Prioritise. DD is my top priority. Work is more important than exercise. Exercise is more important than cleaning. Sleep is more important than a daily shower (ashamed to admit it!). Shower is more important than reading the DDs favourite book for the 8th time in a row no matter how much she means to me. Don't try and do everything at once,but tick off one big thing each day. Getting out the house means it stays clean for longer and running around in the fresh air lifts everyone's mood and makes everyone tired. Triple bonus points.

Do t lean on your kids for emotional support, but it's okay to say something like "mummy is really tired today, let's all work together to do xyz" and then delegate. You really can't start too early. My 12 month old is pretty good at putting the socks and underwear on the clotheshorse to dry after some practice 😅

Remember that 'having support' on day is also family feuds and arguments the next. Just look at some of the MN threads. I love my little family. We are self sufficient and don't need anyone. I let people in because I like them and want to spend time with them, not because I need them

Modern parenting is relentless, isn’t it? When you both work ‘big jobs’, it’s very hard. It’s not comparable to SAHM situation and it’s not like years ago as some posters have responded.

The demands seem to be greater. For example, the digital world has meant there is more onus on parents than before. Fewer verbal reminders from school, more admin and easier to ask more of us. Do this, bring that, let’s dress up etc. Pay for this online! So it is tiring!

I avoid the parent who constantly talks about her mum helping/staying over while she goes out. Too painful with a recent loss. And also, sometimes you can’t hear it. Some lovely ideas here though re other support. But I also lowered my expectations of social life. Trenches for 4&2 is the word. But also someone kindly reminded you to cherish it! Don’t sweat the messy house. Go out and enjoy the kids (hard when tired by sounds of it). Sleep is key to aid this: boosts energy and stops you falling into a depression. Catch up on it when they nap.

Other ideas:
Both take turns to take unpaid leave for a spell. Or reduce your hours if you can afford to for short period. You might find you can if you’re careful. Kids cost the least at this age. But do keep your career at all costs. It does pass.

This is a great post.
My children are my priority so I look for ways I can do extra at work meaning I’m more likely to get time off for children’s school events.
Work is my priority after that at the expense of cleaning at times.

I’d recommend getting their sleep sorted as early as you can, it really pays off later on. Same with working on them eating or trying foods, instilling table manners from a young age. Same with reading their reading book, which in early primary caused a lot of stress at times. Focusing on these things have really helped us as they’ve got older.

My husband works oncall hospital rota , my parents live nearly 3 hours away and in laws may as well not exist. I feel tired all day every single day. What ‘helps’ is that I accept that our house will be messy for the next few years. It’s not dirty but it is chaotic. I can’t keep on top of it so don’t even try

It does get easier - I had years of bringing up the children more or less single handed DH stayed at work late sometimes working - sometimes having to socialise and travel abroad which at the time he said was work 24/7 but gradually coming out that there were tourist trips and meals and drinks out plus hobbies which involved being away from home (charity related so I got branded heartless if I objected)
What gets me now is his advice on childcare (crossing roads, putting in car seats) and pretending that he had always been hands on so prepare for that.
It was wonderful once eldest could help (I treated it as their part time job so they go paid)

This is a great post.

No hacks. It does get better 🩷

You become the village they tell you it takes to raise a child.

You offer playdates and help with drop offs and pick ups in the hope they are reciprocated.

Take every bit of help offered. I used annual leave to catch up on sleep.

I also looked after my poorly elderly mum and work 3 long days, during my childrens younger years. It was incredibly hard to keep all the plates spinning.

Acknowledge that other people do get help and that it's hard going it alone.

I was a single parent with no family for a few hundred miles, no support network, no nursery, no support for ND kids and still being abused by the ex.

No escape, no downtime, no moment to breathe.

You just get on with it because you have no other choice. I had no other option. Nowhere to go. Noone to ask. Those were some of the most trying years of my life. But I also miss the simplicity of where I was then versus what I'm dealing with in my life now (minus the abusive ex situation which is more remote now thankfully)

It does get better.

I had no support network. My family live in another state (Australia). My DH family live overseas. DH was/is very cautious about letting other people look after our DC. I was a SAHM until they were 2.5 & 4. How I coped was to find a nursery that offered a small amount of hours. 3-4 hours twice a week, and put the DC in there from when they turned 2. That at least gave me a few hours break and an opportunity to get some errands done without a baby & toddlers hanging off me. I also would have a couple of hours on the weekend to go and do my own thing. A very small number of times we got a babysitter, either someone we knew or recommended and a known member of a community we were in. Once a year my Mum or one of my sisters would visit and we would throw the children at them and gleefully go out for a night.

It probably wasn’t the best for our relationship as we very rarely got date nights, and still only do that extremely rarely now even though the DC are 12 & 14.

When I started work, it was part-time 3 days a week, then moved to school hours 4 days a week when they both started primary. I paid for a weekly cleaner about 12 months after starting work. My DH travelled a lot for work, sometimes he was away 4 nights a week, for months and years on end. I just had to be organised. I did a big cook up on weekends so that I could just pull food from the freezer and microwave it when the kids & I got home around 6pm.

These years can be hard. You just need to find ways to manage. I would highly recommend finding a reliable babysitter and booking in once a month. Also, make sure you are leaving the DC with your DP once a week or once a fortnight so you can get some time to recharge. Young kids are full on and clingy. It’s good for your soul to get some time alone or with friends. It’s also good for your DP to spend one on one time with them to develop their relationship.

Not easy just good prep the night before. God was hard though. I took time out when he started school as pricey creche for 2. Its really hard when two out working chasing tails all time.

I have never had any family support/ help.
Routines and systems are what’s always helped me
I’ve always had a cleaner for a couple of hours a week and tried to do a bit most days in between times to keep on top of things:
Wipe down kitchen always, as you ho
Spray and swipe basins and loos - I use the blue ‘Blitz’ paper on a roll and Method spray - things like that.
Plan easy meals in advance and get a .com supermarket delivery on Sundays and do some food prep so you’re ahead of the game for the week ahead
Most of all, don’t let clutter build up. Have regular clear outs of everyone’s clothes and toys so the house never gets too swamped and overwhelmed.

Earn more pay for nannies/ support

Without parents it's the only way

Unlike you I had no partner, my family passed and I had kids with additional needs.

I didn't cope. I had to give up my hard fought for career. 24/7 relentless. For years. I'm pretty sure it's knocked years off my life expectancy.

Be grateful you have your partner. Its so much easier when you can tag team.

I didn’t do any housework. I catered meals (though kept that simple and cut corners wherever possible), washed dishes, did laundry, cleaned up spillages and glaring messes, but otherwise my H did all hoovering, bathroom cleaning, bed changing, etc at the weekends, and not every weekend at that.

I was ruthless (utterly hard-hearted) about bedtimes so that I could have some downtime in the evenings. I did not fill that downtime with household jobs.

I found a local childminder for my work days.

We didn’t go out as a couple for years. Birthdays and anniversaries were an M&S meal deal at home once the children were in bed.

When both parents are at home have 1 with the children and the other doing chores with good noise cancelling headphones and music/book/audiobook on for a mental break. When you are home alone with kids put on music and encourage the kids to dance while you do chores. Dishwasher dance party was a daily staple at my house at that age.

Once your child starts school be generous with playdates and you should get return offers. Work out which kids play well with your own and make life easier and stick to those kids. Don’t invite other people’s badly behaved kids to your house, stick to park meet ups.

People with kids with the same ages are like gold dust. 1 parent can chase big kids about whilst the the other watches the little ones then swap.

Hmm, 4 kids. Parents dead. In laws hundreds of miles away and disinterested. Some good friends but they can't physically help. Siblings with no kids so dont get it and wont help. Sen all over the place with my kids and had a corporate job.

Honestly? I lowered my standards. Kids feed, clean and lovely clothes. Happy, do lots of clubs but minimal homework. House a tip. Good enough at my job but never promoted.

Now the kids are older and their sen problems consume my time occasionally, I lower my standards again and go semi off radar ( ie if your not regularly in my life I don't chase family or friends and I don't sometimes cope but the kids are clean, well fed, attend clubs and happy so who knows I didn't change the beds kind of thing).

With no village checking on you how will anyone know if the sinks full, there's no hoovering done that week and the bathroom hasn't more than a cursory wipe? I'm trying to change my mindset on this to it's a positive. Mil is judgemental? Great, I avoid her guilt free. Fil never wants to see the kids? Great he isn't my dad and nothing to me. No one pops in to see the kids? My house doesn't have to be constantly visitor ready.

I do feel sad for my kids but the in laws aren't fantastic grandparents so what is the loss? There's no loss. Also it's not my choice to make.

I'm up late now cleaning and tidying as it's not been done this week and I'm OK with that

If I were to have my time back, I’d cut back on clutter. If you aren’t planning on any more children, be ruthless about getting rid of outgrown clothes and toys (I’m very sentimental 😭). Bought loads of books, whereas a fortnightly trip to the library would have would have served is well. It’s so much easier to keep on top of things with less stuff.

I built a support network with other parents where possible as we lived far away from family. My partner was always away for months at a time so if I was ill etc. It got tricky. I set up babysitting circles with other mum friends and we all helped each other.
It is difficult when they are both little but I promise you it does get easier.

Personally, I hired a part time domestic helper when I was 4 months post partum. Baby is now 7 months and still wakes every 2 hours. Sleep training isn't working on him. I can't function enough, I need help. I may be weak but I was suicidal. At least now my house is clean and someone can watch the baby while I shower, eat or do a little something for myself.

We (DH and I) did it alone and have 3 kids. No family in the same country - our choice…we met here after emigrating independently. It was hard - DH worked long hours. I went to work as soon as he got home. We barely saw each other. Money was tight so no cleaner…nanny…etc.

Now my kids are older (11, 14, 17) it’s much easier. Still no support but we are so proud of what WE have achieved. I have such confidence in my DH and my kids…we can do ANYTHING together. It’s a huge boost. I have friends who say they can’t travel with or depend on their kids for much…mine are rock solid and awesome independent people.

Play groups, single parent groups, community gardens...when mine were under 2 I was referred to a charity called Home Start which was amazing.

@JudgeJ probably because both parents work full time these days. Quite different from being SAHP and then a bit of part time work in the older years. It's very obviously different 🙄

I have 2 under 2, we both work full time (compressed days as childcare is so expensive where we live 🙄) and lm doing a professional qualification work are paying me for

My thoughts are;

Cleaner (even if it's it's fortnightly then it keeps things a bit more sanitary)

Strict naps and bedtimes. So you actually have windows of being able to do tasks or actually relax

Batch cook so there's something in the freezer to fall back on

Plan ahead for Christmas, birthdays, Easter etc

Regular clear outs of our stuff and kids stuff. Our local area has a children's clothes and accessories swap. Decent stuff l flog on Vinted. Other stuff gets charity shopped

Lower standards and sweat small stuff less. This also includes not getting sucked into "shoulds", if you want to do it then do it. If you are half hearted and it's not essential then give it no headspace. Whether that's a night out or teaching your 4 year old French! Pick your battles

Both of us have clearly defined tasks -l couldn't bear husband flapping round and expecting me to remind / instruct him. Like l said it's part of the job! So he knows each week he has to do a certain number of meals, clean x and y. Mess the kids make on his watch he clears up and vice versa e.g. the mini milk incident on a hot day yesterday that he regrets now. Let's put it this way, the children can't eat them in the pushchair anymore!

Inlaws help out where they can which is appreciated but infrequent. As they both have their own long term commitments and there is a very elderly grandparent in the mix who needs are currently increasing somewhat.

My mother is utterly useless. Never changed either child's nappy or ever cared for them. But ironically gives us "tips" and "suggestions" about our parenting. Appears confused my garden isn't like something out of Chelsea Flower Show. Probably because some days l only get 30-60 minutes to myself and l can't be arsed!!! She's more a hindrance as she won't plan and won't accept we are limited by work / childcare / annual leave. We are now LC funnily enough...

Lastly have an online rolling shopping list so whoever goes to the shop knows what is actually needed. Also a shared electronic family calendar so avoid conflicts and help planning