Am I in the wrong here?

[paulhollywoodshairgel]

I have been off work on long term sick for 6 months now. Both mental and physical ill health. Having a really tough time.

Heres the thing. My husband seems to think because I’m ‘at home all day’ that he is exempt from cooking and household things. I’m not on annual leave. I’m ill. I have agoraphobia, CPTSD and Bi Polar. Also fibromyalgia. He literally comes in from work and goes upstairs for a lie down as he’s been at work all day. Am I wrong in thinking he could at least offer to cook tea once in a while? I just feel a bit uncared for really.

What are you doing all day long?
Can you physically do housework and cook or does your illness prevent you from doing it?
If not, then I think YABU, he is out working all day while you sit around doing nothing. Unfair on him!

I spend all day trying to keep myself together so I can appear normal for the kids when they get home. I do housework if I’m up to it. All the laundry. Cooking. It just irks me that he doesn’t even offer. When I’m working I still have to do it all so I think I just need a bit of support.

He's being a selfish prick.

But don't post anything that shows vulnerability on AIBU, you'll get the vultures circling.

Can you agree a chore split and rota ? Could he let you rest at weekends by taking over ?

What is your plan for getting better? Most wellness plans, particularly for fibromyalgia and anything mental health related, involve building up effort. So making dinner, doing laundry etc would usually be part of a staged plan. It may be that the GP is still working on steroids for fibro, bipolar meds etc with you first, but you really should have someone working with you either CBT or basic OT depending on how you are. Worth talking to the GP about it.

On the specific feeling of being cared for, your DH should be making some meals but is reasonable to expect you to make some too, given the circumstances.

Does he cook on the days he doesn’t go to work?

He should be supporting you in your illness and in the house. No question at all about that.

She’s unwell fgs!

If the roles were reversed you can bet her DH would probably do nothing. And no one would bat a frigging eye.

Yes but what do you DO all day? Please don’t think I’m being unsympathetic by the way - I’ve had extended periods of time off myself for severe depression in the past.

He's probably tired after a day's work so entitled to have a lie down. I understand you are not always able andvjust because you stay at home and especially with mental and physical illness, doesn't mean everything should be done by you. Why not come up with something together, where you are both doing your own bits around the house . You both sound drained and exhausted

6 months she has been off work. 6!
I've had 2 major spinal surgeries, I'm familiar with chronic pain and the mental load.

OP what are you doing to get better? Physical therapy, pain relief?

Yes, it’s a hell of a long time to be showing no progress, and still be struggling to cook dinner.

I understand he doesn't offer to cook, but would he do it if you asked on a bad day?

So if you're not 'up for doing housework' what happens, does he do it when back from work? The dc dependent on age, or does the house descend into chaos?

He doesn’t do it on his days off either. Some days I’m just physically and mentally exhausted. I try to keep busy and I have a care plan in place. I know he needs rest after working I just want him to pick up a bit of slack. I’ve tried talking to him he just gets defensive. I’ll keep plugging away!

@ZekeZeke@Annascaul I’m having regular therapy. Medication for pain and mental health. My mother died suddenly which is what triggered this episode. I am trying to improve with very little support I guess.

What's the nature of his job? My DH will come home and finish up the tea and do the dishwasher if I'm feeling tired. I'm on my feet all day while he's more sedentary, so he doesn't mind doing those things and finds a bit of on his feet time helpful. Win win. If he has a very physical job, I can understand he might want to sit for a bit when he gets home first.

Do you have a slow cooker? That can help. Sometimes I also find it easier to prepare food in the morning ready to just pop in come evening.

I'm sorry about your mum.
How old are your children? Can they help?

Is work not offering support,via occ health?
Is the 6 month point not when you drop to half pay?

I’m sorry to hear you’re so unwell. He should be doing some cooking and household chores regardless of your current situation, he’s a grown man and the house and children are his equally. Yes, when a parent (usually the mother) is at home the majority of the household chores does fall to that person, but even then the other should be doing something without needing to be told. Did he do anything when you were at work? Because either he’s always been shit or he’s punishing you for daring to be ill. I don’t think you’ll find balanced answers on AIBU though, more like martyrs who lost all their limbs and were back on the school run and cleaning their house top to bottom within a week because how could a man possibly be expected to even slightly put in the extra effort….

I have Agoraphobia, CPTSD and chronic fatigue. All of these things have been diagnosed (not self diagnosis).

I have struggled with the above for over 10 years.

At my worst, I left the house around 3 times in 12 months.

During that time I was a "housewife". I assumed the complete running of the household whilst DH worked full time. I would never, ever have expected him to do any housework.

If I was especially tired he would suggest getting a takeaway and we did keep some good quality ready meals in the freezer, but otherwise I cooked every meal.

I self managed. I had a schedule with cleaning days. It really isn't a huge task if you choose one chore for each day of the week and do a bit each day.

You sound a bit stuck in a victim mentality which I 100% understand, believe me.

But you need to step outside that if you are going to have a functioning marriage and also heal yourself.

I had a lot of compassion for my DH whilst I was at the height of my sickness. It was emotionally and mentally draining for him to have a wife that was going through this and it was terrifying for him because unlike a broken leg, there was no end date to hope for.

I still struggle with all of those things, but I have gradually improved and whilst I don't do as much as the average person, I really push myself to live life to the fullest for myself and my family.

Invisible illnesses are the worst because you will face mocking comments and people thinking you are gaming the system or just plain lazy. I KNOW this isn't the case. But I also know that once you strengthen yourself mentally and change your outlook, you can get much more done.

If I leave the house I still need to rest or sleep when I get home. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. Sometimes I sit in the bath and cry with how drained I feel... But the joy on my DHs face as we hold hands and go out together is worth it.

Sometimes I don't have the energy to cook dinner and clean the bathroom, but then I think to myself that both my DH and I deserve a clean environment and food to nourish us.

Try to reframe your annoyance at each task and instead be so proud of yourself when you have completed it. I reward myself a lot and find that dopamine helps me raise my energy levels.

Whether it's saving a new book for after I have done meal prep or a little bag of sweets and a cup of tea for after cleaning, it really does make me smile and find joy in the satisfaction of achieving simple things.

You can learn to find a new normal and function to the best of your ability. You may struggle with these things forever, I know I will, but I also know we only have one life to live so we can't afford to waste it.

He obviously doesn't get it does he. What was he like before you became ill, did you have to do everything then as well or did he contribute to chores & children?

I don't know whether your condition is that severe that you're bedbound or similar, but I thought agoraphobia was a fear of large spaces? Does this affect using the washing machine/hoover/etc?

I know severe depression etc can leave people barely able to function but I also know a few bipolar people who manage to live on their own and keep on top of stuff, so it's hard to comment on that.

If you're literally sat on the sofa/in bed all day and can't do anything I think it's a priority to try and get this resolved ASAP with medical assistance.

Didn't mean that to sound insensitive. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in my teens and know what it's like to feel like you can't do anything. But usually I could if I just physically got up and did it. In some cases I had no choice really as it was either that or end up homeless/in a hostel etc if I couldn't pay my rent.

I don't think sitting around helps tbh and it's something I'd fight tooth and claw as far as I was able. I think building up to doing the housework etc could be a step to getting back to work, as no doubt being back at work all day will be more tiring.

Absolutely horrible reading some of the posts here, happier to demand an unwell person makes herself more unwell than accept that a husband might need to just bloody hoover once in a while.