Am I in the wrong here?

[paulhollywoodshairgel]

I have been off work on long term sick for 6 months now. Both mental and physical ill health. Having a really tough time.

Heres the thing. My husband seems to think because I’m ‘at home all day’ that he is exempt from cooking and household things. I’m not on annual leave. I’m ill. I have agoraphobia, CPTSD and Bi Polar. Also fibromyalgia. He literally comes in from work and goes upstairs for a lie down as he’s been at work all day. Am I wrong in thinking he could at least offer to cook tea once in a while? I just feel a bit uncared for really.

I did read that she’d been off for 6 months. And it sounds like it would be awful - she suffers from serious mental illnesses and fibromyalgia. Anyone would struggle with that, and recovery will take as long as it takes. Sick leave is not the same as a holiday. If someone is not well enough to work, then it would follow that they would not be well enough to take all of the household chores, nor should they be expected to.

Her original post says she just wants some help from her husband, she didn’t suggest she wants him to take on everything. She just wants help. That is not unreasonable. From the sounds of it, he is doing sweet FA and needs a boot up the arse.

From the sounds of it, he is doing sweet FA and needs a boot up the arse.

He's shouldering 100% of the financial responsibility! That alone can be stressful.

And it can be incredibly draining living with somebody who's experiencing severe mental health issues. Often, you feel unable to discuss your own 'lesser' stresses as you're trying to be 'the strong one' and be there for them. You end up putting yourself second, which can be necessary but also sometimes isn't healthy in the long term.

I'm not saying this to make OP feel bad, but if she's in the situation where she's been off work six months and even whilst resting all day can't manage to do the housework, surely she must be able to empathise with her husband needing a quick nap after working all day and taking on all financial responsibility.

I'm really sorry about your mum. I don't know whether your fella should be doing more things or not, but I also have diagnoses for c-PTSD, bi-polar and ADHD and I have definitely had very long and very hard episodes of those - they'll all interact, of course, and have secondary physical and mental effects, it is shit. I live on my own now, but I have had long term partners who have been with me through these times and it is shit for them too.

Especially with the loss of your mum, it sounds like you're really looking for (and really need) positive comfort and care - not only to support you with your disabilities, but more, to help to heal your grief. It might be helpful to think about this more in terms of what you need to feel rather than what he should be doing - there may be other ways for you to feel cared for and looked after and it may be that he just has no extra capacity on top of what he's already dealing with - this will be hard for him too. Have you thought about bereavement therapy?

I’m going to come at it from your husband’s perspective because I’ve been in this position with a partner who didn’t/couldn’t work for months whilst I worked in a stressful and physical job and the toll it took on my mental and physical health was horrendous.

Coming home from work to the house upside down and having to cook tea and tidy up before being back up at 5am for work, plus all the mental and financial responsibility for everything, childcare, days off spent doing more chores. He had usually spent the day lying on the sofa watching TV. It was like being a single parent but with the added work of having an (incredibly messy) adult to look after and financially support. However much sympathy you have for what your partner is going through it is impossible not to feel resentment.

Some of the replies come across as though because one person is going though a period of illness then the other person should just accept becoming some sort of slave, whose life, needs, happiness, mental and physical health don’t matter. Well I disagree, and older and wiser I would never live like that again. Perhaps I’m an awful person but my health and happiness are important too.

Admittedly it sounds like my situation was more extreme if I am right in thinking you are still doing the majority of the household tasks/childcare? But I’m just trying to give some insight into what it’s like on the other side. And if your illness is so severe that it is effectively a disability stopping you being able to manage every day tasks and household chores then perhaps apply for financial assistance to get some help.

He doesn’t shoulder 100% of the financial burden. I’m still getting paid! I’m also not expecting him to do everything. Just give me some support. He’s taken the mindset that he now doesn’t have to do anything at all. It’s not like I’m off on annual leave. I’m still doing my fair share and more I just need some help. He doesn’t even ask me if I’m ok!

It sounds like maybe you need more support. Is getting in some home help an option?

Does your DH have his own support? Does he get counselling or have good friends to talk to?

I know a couple in a similar situation and it's not easy on either side. They're now getting some external supports in place.

How old are your children and who’s doing most of the parenting at weekends? Are you planning to go back to work?