To think a lot of middle aged men have a miserable disposition? Or is it just my DH?

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I get so frustrated with DH and how he comes across. He’s mid forties and whilst he’s always been a little serious and has a serious job, the miserable disposition has got worse as he’s aged. I find it incredibly rude and find myself over compensating around the kids to keep things upbeat. Is it just my DH?!

That sounds very difficult but it’s not something I recognise from my DH or our friends.

Have you discussed it with him?

Yes, there is a type of male that falls into grumpy mode as the default at a particular age. It’s sad and exhausting. I see this on my DH’s side of the family where the women are upbeat but the patriarch is grumpy by default.

On the other hand, could it be male depression? Men are also notoriously bad for seeking help for mental health issues.

Yep, that's me :). On reason i think some of it stems from the realisation of just how shitty this world has turned out. You mention he's always been quite serious so i imagine he's continued to take at least a general interest in the world and politics and, like me, despairs at what we have built.
Standards have dropped across the board but hugely in education and behavior. Self reliance has been and continues to be replaced by blame and expectation.
Politics is a continuing reel of lies and nonsense streamed from people who have little to no experience in the real world. News is biased one way or the other.
etc
I have a lot of hobbies and interests that keep me occupied and happy in myself, i know others that don't though and they're furious.

Yep this is my DH. He's a grumpy old man at the age of 43.

I think that this happens sometimes with men because they're secretly (or even unconsciously) harbouring a bunch of resentment about not being Number 1 all the time. I think that a lot of men struggle with families and children and the fact that they have to prioritise other people and frankly, they're just whingey about it. It's exhausting.

This, plus they're not conditioned to buck up, put a smile on and look cheerful like women are. So everyone else gets to share in their grumpiness.

Not in my life, but it seems to come up on here all the time — female posters frantically plastering on a smile and leading entirely separate social lives while their husbands grump and huff at home.

I think there is so much here with role models and how middle aged men see other middle aged men acting. On the one hand, there is a well trodden path towards precisely the grumpy old man stereotype we see here. But I think it might be getting better for some, as 'modern dads' are finally seen as aspirational. My DH sees Bandit off Bluey and Phil Dunphy off Modern Family as the kind of middle aged man to aim for, and I'm delighted about it.

Basically, you DH need to find a way to aim for better than "grumpy old git". It will do him good for himself too. Not sure how you can make it happen though. Maybe tell him how attractive you find it when (if?) he plays with kids, or otherwise isn't grumpy.

Oh practice makes perfect. Born awkward gets very awkward

Have you talked about it? Nobody actively wants to be grumpy or miserable or make people around them unhappy - he isn’t behaving the way he is because he’s getting some sort of odd pleasure from it, there will be underlying reasons and feelings he’s experiencing making him this way - especially if it’s something that’s only really come on in recent years.

Agree with previous posters that grumpiness, short temper, being a misery etc are pretty typical outwards manifestations of depression in men. Women are “allowed” to be sad and to cry in a way men aren’t, so symptoms of low mood display differently. I’d encourage him to speak to somebody and / or visit the GP.

Yep one by one my friends husband fell into this habit behind closed doors. All bar one who's very laid back. Mines been a grumpy old git for years now. He watches the news and rants, the married kids, their wives etc. But only for my ears most of the time.

I ignore it most of the time. Blame it on falling testosterone, aches and pains and the media.

It sounds as though he's hit his 'Fuck it 40s' as is often described by Mumsnet women.

But, you said 'the miserable disposition has just got worse since he's aged', so that implies it was always there to begin with.

Get his testosterone level checked.

I think men have a disposition to get grumpier than women anyway but particularly married men with kids. They don't delight in married life, children and "nest building" like women do. They resent their loss of freedom and the fact that their wife's attention/love/adoration is showered on the kids rather than them. Whilst women are happy, even ecstatic, to devote half their lives to raising kids and creating a "comfy" home, men get to a point where they wonder what exactly was in it for them. Hence the old trope about their mid life crisis when they suddenly buy a motorbike or try to chat up the 17 year old office junior. Not saying it's right but I've witnessed it probably more often than not to a greater or lesser degree.

I’m not sure I’ve ever met any women who are rendered ‘ecstatic’ by married life, ‘nest building’ and raising children. I think women by and large are made happy the same things men are — meaningful relationships, enjoyable work, a sense of purpose etc.

Definitely not in this house. DH and I are both mid-50s and I'm far grumpier than he is! He has always been a cheery soul and thankfully that has never changed. 2 of us being down in the dumps (at times!) would make for a miserable house.

I agree OP. My DH who I love dearly can be very negative, not sure how it happened as one of the things that attracted me to him was his positive and fun attitude to life.

now he’s a bit of a grump and will voice a negative thought rather than a positive one. Example: I’ve just got a new company car, his resounding comment is ‘it’s a bit small’. I had to ask him what he liked about it, which he listed off a bunch of stuff, and he said he really enjoyed driving it, but the one thing he keeps saying is ‘it’s small’ - well yes dear, it’s a mini, of course it’s fucking small

My mid life crisis was buying a mini convertible. I'd raised kids in family size cars so rebellion set in when two of them flew the nest. Great fun. The youngest learnt to drive in it and chose a mini cooper as his first car.

It's usually the woman that desperately wants children. Most of the men I've known over the years have not been absolutely desperate to have children and they certainly wouldn't feel it ruined their lives if they didn't. So yes, I believe that the majority of women want children more than anything else (and if needs be to the exclusion of everything else) and they feel a profound sense of loss and lack of fulfilment if they don't/can't have them.

Maybe it depends who you hang out with. I wouldn’t say my friends were desperate to have kids. None are stay at home mums. It was my DH who wanted kids and he said we would be 50-50. I can confirm his grasp of fractions is very poor. I could be grumpy and resentful but I’m not. I get on with it and do as much for the kids as I can. DH is grumpy even though he spends hours on hobbies and activities. We pose limited restrictions on his existence. I pay half the bills/costs etc. He’s got ADHD so emotionally is out of control. He’ll son at the dinner table in front of the kids. I must look very unsympathetic but it’s being going on for 15 years and it’s not getting any better. I arranged therapy and it helped but it’s not improved enough. My worst fear is that he’ll get dementia and I’ll become his caree. I’ll divorce him soon because I’d really like a calm and happy future. I hope you can turn your situation around OP xx

it is a shame that so many women remain married to men who make them unhappy so often. I hope for all your sakes, once kids have flown the nest, if that’s the reason you’re staying, you get the opportunity to divorce.

Having watched my mum and sister interacting with my dad and BIL during their perimenopause years, I suspect a lot of middle-aged men are probably asking the same question about women. I definitely don’t think men have the monopoly on middle-aged grumpiness at all.

My own DP has a much more cheerful disposition than I do. I’m not massively grumpy but he is a much more patient and affable person than me.

You married the miserable twat. Was he a cheerful little soul and now he's miserable? - could be stress, depression etc

There was a thread here at Christmas from women who had married and chosen to spend their lives with men with absolutely no interests whatsoever. I couldn't get my head round it. Didn't they notice he was a boring arse before they married?

Confirmed grumpy miserable old git.

I had a near death experience, came to to find St Peter & the Devil having a big row, neither of them wanted me as I am such a grump so I was sent back